authentic, marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Cleaning Out Your Sexual “Junk Drawer”
Aug
It’s a metaphor, people.
I’m not talking about a drawer where you store sexual paraphernalia.
I’m using the junk drawer metaphor because the other day, my husband was indeed cleaning out the junk drawer in our kitchen.
You know the drawer I’m talking about.
The one where you throw all the crap that has no other viable home, but is chock full of stuff that occasionally you do need.
Like Super Glue. Or the really tiny screwdriver. Or the odd-sized batteries that the kids need for their goofy little toy.
That junk drawer — the literal one — also tends to fill up with other stuff that you really don’t need. You think you need to hold on to it, but really you don’t.
Same can be said of some of the things that are road blocks to great sexual intimacy in our marriages.
So what could be cluttering up your sexual “junk drawer?”
Past sexual promiscuity that you have refused to confess and move beyond.
Skewed theology that says sex is just for procreation or is simply a “duty.”
Messages from church or relatives or Christians who told you that sex is “gross” or “wrong” or “optional” in marriage.
Body image lies that you have embraced as if they were cold hard truth.
Sexual inhibitions that really have no biblical foundation. Things like we must always make love in the dark, missionary position is the only acceptable position, oral sex is prohibited, or a wife can’t initiate sex.
Faking orgasm. You do this to either protect your husband’s ego or to get sex over with quickly. (Faking orgasm invites a lie into your marriage bed, which is likely already on shaky ground if you feel like you need to fake orgasm).
Justification by camaraderie. “My friends don’t like sex with their husbands, so it’s no big deal that my husband and I struggle sexually. This is just what happens in marriage.” This is a frightfully dangerous rationalization that can lead to nothing good.
The idea that you can still set a phenomenal example of marriage for your children, even if you refuse to nurture sexual intimacy with your spouse.
Do you see how we can cling to things we don’t need in our sexual junk drawer?
Worse yet is when we not only cling to them, but guard them fiercely, as if doing so will free us from having to take responsibility for what is messed up in our sexual intimacy.
Your marriage is worth cleaning out your sexual junk drawer.
It can be tedious, I know. And it is oh so easy to just put it off.
But just like the junk drawer in your kitchen, every time you open up your sexual junk drawer, you will be reminded of the clutter and chaos.
I humbly encourage you to have a heart-wrenching, tear-stained, vulnerable conversation with the Lord and with your spouse.
Don’t let one more day go by without taking a good hard look at the drawer and the things in it that have compromised the vulnerability, sacredness and enjoyment of sex in your marriage.
Clean out what is cluttering up your sexual junk drawer.
I believe when you do this, you will find room for depths of intimacy you never believed possible — not only with your spouse, but with your Savior as well.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Some people use religion as a mechanism of guilt rather than a mechanism of joy.
You’re married and in love with a guy. If that doesn’t give you license to let your hair down in the bedroom I don’t know what does.
The shame is that all things in your relationship radiate out from this one essential. If the sex is right, I mean, really, really right—you’d be surprised by how many benefits other aspects of your marriage will receive.
“I’m not talking about a drawer where you store sexual paraphernalia.”
Phew! You had me worried for a minute. 😉 lol
You gave me somethings to think about. Thanks, Julie!
I have recently come across your blog and truly appreciate it. You write eloquently and to the point. Thank you for what you are doing, keep up the excellent work!!
Great post!
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I agree with Adam. If sex is really, really right, there won’t be the other rough spots, or they would be smoother. Shame of it is that many people relegate sex to a back seat place in marriage. It becomes something that is possible after all the other things to do are complete. What a gift to children, if they knew that their parents were spending private time alone and undisturbed and that this was a boundary above all other boundaries that couldn’t be crossed. I could even see explaining in more detail to older teens, if they haven’t already figured it out.
What a message that would send to them about their own future marriages: sex was intended to bring a couple joyously together, and it deserves importance. Instead it is a “switch turned off” for many women, and possibly men, that never gets turned back on.
“The idea that you can still set a phenomenal example of marriage for your children, even if you refuse to nurture sexual intimacy with your spouse.”
I have fallen into this line of thinking many times…thanks for the wake-up call!
Thanks Julie for the list of items cluttering up one’s junk drawer. So true.
The skewed theology is a big problem for some individuals and couples. God designed sex to be for marriage, and for it to be playful and pleasurable and frequent for both spouses.
I agree with Adam above – some people (perhaps too many) do use religion as a mechanism of guilt. If a married couple is feeling needlessly guilty about their loving sexual intimacy, the error they are committing is in not working to overcome these destructive attitudes.