authentic, intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Are There Sexual Struggles in Your Marriage? Were There Signs?
Oct
I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to the sound of one of our smoke alarms chirping.
So annoying, right?
I immediately thought of a friend of mine, who once proclaimed the two most exhausting things that can happen in the middle of the night are a smoke alarm chirping its low battery anthem and a child throwing up in their bed.
I can’t argue with that. She’s probably not too far off on her observation.
Anyway, back to my smoke alarm. I tried to ignore it for awhile, but the makers of these things purposely design them to pester you if the battery is nearing the end of its life. Relentless. It’s not like they try for an hour and then give up. It just won’t stop.
If the manufacturers really wanted to be creative and humorous, instead of that annoying chirp, they could have the low battery warning be the voice of some guy with a New York accent yelling…
“Hey!! Yeah, YOU. I’ve been trying to get your attention for awhile now. Come on! If you don’t pay attention to me, I swear I am NOT gonna save you when you really need me. I won’t do it. I’m warning you.”
I jest, but I do have a serious point to make. As disruptive and annoying as the low-battery chirp is, we are wise to heed its warning. That goes not just for smoke alarms, but for carbon monoxide monitors as well.
There is a bigger picture here. The warning sign of a low battery alerts us to fix the small problem—so that we are better protected and better prepared to avoid a larger tragedy. The same could be said for warning signs in your marriage that things are not going well sexually.
The nature of the struggles can run the gamut, but many of the struggles come with some warning signs. Not all, but many.
Think for a moment about your own marriage. If there have been sexual struggles or sexual miscommunication, my guess is those didn’t start overnight. There may have been signs along the way, right?
I know in my first marriage there were some warning signs. I ignored them, much to the detriment of our relationship, not to mention our individual sexual satisfaction as well.
I humbly recognize that I should have paid closer attention before things got to a point of no return. Once he decided to divorce me, there was no fixing what was broken. Sexual intimacy wasn’t our only issue, but it was a big one, possibly even the biggest one. And I see now what I chose to be blind to then.
It’s a big reason I am so passionate about speaking authentically about sexual intimacy in marriage. And it’s a big reason my current husband and I have paid much closer attention to our sexual connection.
The chirping smoke detector is a good analogy. We could even take it further and say warning signs don’t always come at convenient times. True with low battery alerts on smoke alarms and true with sexual intimacy struggles in a marriage.
Are there sexual struggles in your marriage? Were there signs? More importantly, what will you do now with your wake-up call?
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I love your story! I like the smoke alarm analogy, pretty true with a lot of things, there are usually warning signs that something isn’t right.
I have heard psychologist say that when a spouse says something like, “my partner just up and left me”, it usually didn’t happen that way, there were clues beforehand, the “smoke alarm” has been going off for a long time, but the other spouse didn’t hear it.
I think part of it is being self aware and what is going on around you, some people are completely oblivious. They don’t see how their own actions or lack of them affect others or see clues in how others act around them.
Bill Engval couldn’t have said it better! Here’s your sign!! So many just go ignored.
I think also there are awarenesses by both partners, but if one of you isn’t willing to address them, and the other wants to do so, it is a very difficult situation. Once the “shut down” behavior starts happening, the partner who wants to rekindle the relationship can make attempts, but the rebuttals continue.
Unfortunately sometimes the smoke alarm is blaring loud and long, and some people still either just:
1) ignore it anyways
2) say “I know its going off but it really isn’t that serious so I can ignore it”
3) say “I know its going off but its absolutely wrong, there really isnt a fire. So it must be defective so I can ignore it”
4) say “I know its going off its just being a big baby about it, so I can ignore it”
5) say “I know its going off but there are way more important things I need to do, so I can ignore it”
All while the house burns down around them.