marriage problems, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles
Scheduling Sex Worked for This Couple. Maybe It Could Work for You.
Sep
I recently received the below email from a woman who knew that if sex was going to get better in her marriage, she and her husband had to make some changes. Be encouraged (and inspired!) by what she has to share…
I just wanted to let you know how much you have helped me personally and in turn my husband and my marital intimacy.
For a lot of our marriage, if not most of it, I didn’t really do much to grow our intimacy. We had sex only occasionally.
It was always great, but I had low drive plus baggage from before marriage plus eventual worry about kids waking up, pregnancy when not ready, etc., and more.
Then a few years ago, I discovered blogs such as yours and another (Hot Holy & Humorous). They helped me so much, and at first things in that area were better as far as frequency, which was our main problem. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. I don’t even know why.
It’s just like I gradually slipped back into old patterns, ultimately unsubscribing from the very blogs that had helped so much.
About a month ago, right before the kids and I were traveling to visit family for a week, my husband made some comment about how I didn’t care if we had sex or not. (He’s always been so wonderful and patient, and our marriage has always been close and good, except for the sex part. But he has become frustrated over the years and said things, never unkindly.)
I got defensive and then it was time to leave for our trip. During that time apart, God began to do a work on my heart. I was unable to call my husband during that week, so I texted him and told him I’d really been thinking about his comment. That it wasn’t actually true, but I could totally see why he thought it was.
I told him I wanted us to have sexual intimacy and to grow that part of our marriage. I apologized for all the years of rejection he must be feeling and how my selfishness has hurt him. I told him I wanted us to talk about it when I got home.
Two days after we returned home, he and I were able to go on a much-needed date together. We talked. It was so good. I introduced the idea of “appointments,” an idea I had always thought made sex forced and not spontaneous. We discussed frequency and decided upon twice a week minimum and chose days that would fit our schedule.
We committed that illness or some other reasonable explanation would be the only reasons we could break the appointments. It couldn’t just be because we were tired or didn’t feel like having sex. (That was mostly for me.)
The appointment system has been great! Granted, it’s only been a month, but having sex twice a week (actually, it’s been 3-4 a few times prompted by me! lol) has been more than we’ve had the entire last year. Maybe even the last two.
The idea of the appointments has helped so much!! We both know it’s coming and look forward to those times. We can both be sure we’re extra clean, my legs shaved, etc. Not to mention, I have the whole day to get myself ready and in the mood. So much of it for me begins in my mind.
I’m also getting much more comfortable with my body and being naked in the lights and believing — yes, truly believing — my husband when he tells me I’m beautiful and amazing.
I also no longer feel it’s weird or wrong to ask God into my marriage bed. I pray for our intimacy as a couple, including now our sexual intimacy.
I just cannot thank you enough for all you’ve done to help my marital intimacy!! God is using you in mighty ways! Thank you for being bold, fearless, and courageous. Thank you for being willing to be used by Him in this way. You rock, girl!!
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts.
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I can so relate to this . My story is similar now we have appointments that we wont break unless one is really ill or an emergency arises so at present its twice a week but my aim is to work up to 3 or 4 or more times per week . Thanks for sharing your story its really helpful.
We are long married – 35+ years. For many years this was a source of discord. But recently, we’ve found a way of working this out, that is something like what you describe.
Rather than schedule a date / make an appointment. I ask, and my bride nearly always says “I’ll think about it.” And here’s the important part – I give her an affectionate kiss, and say “OK.” And, then I shut up about it. She thinks about it, and sometime in the next day or two or three, she initiates.
I think this is the equivalent, and for much the same reason. My bride can think about it, get her head in the game in a manner of speaking, anticipate, and find the time when it suits her. She knows I’m interested, and I let her find the right time.
I’ve learned not to push after I make the suggestion. If I do, she feels hassled. I have to trust her to be generous, and she is. So, a key part of this for us, is that I have to trust her, and not push even though I may be “eager.”
Woo-hoo! What a great email. I’m a big fan of scheduling too. Thanks for sharing, Julie!
Scheduling works for so many with difficult schedules and can actually be a key to getting frequency going again. Plus, the anticipation is hot to many!
We’ve had an “unofficial” schedule of sorts for years.
We have sex once a week on either Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. We both know it’s going to happen on the weekend, unless sickness or I’m away on business. Wife has time to prepare her mind, think positive thoughts to get in the mood, and agrees she won’t say no. I know it’s going to happen once a week, I don’t have to initiate, I let her make the first move, and I know she won’t say no. It’s not perfect, but it beats feeling rejected.
Every Saturday morning and every Sunday morning my wife gets up early, has a leisurely cup of coffee, and then comes back to bed to make love before the kids are awake. We have missed one day in six months (I was out of town) but we made it up the next day. Knowing we will be intimate twice a week really takes the pressure off and we both look forward to our weekend mornings. So scheduling has taken us from almost no sex to twice a week every week.