sexual struggles
10 Confessions of a Sex Blogger
Apr
Sounds like a party is going on and I don’t want to be left out, so I too will confess.
(For other confessions, check out what Kate, J, Lori and Debi had to say.)
My 10 Confessions as a Sex Blogger…
1. I think about sex a lot.
Okay, probably don’t need to confess this one.
I don’t think about having sex a lot, because I’m already well satisfied in that area. I don’t need to think about it.
I think about all other things sexual… like how the body works, relationship dynamics that make sex challenging, the social trends on things like medications and what is acceptable sexually, the way the church deals with sexual issues, the impact sex has on marriage, etc.
As my friend Brent says, I could turn any conversation into one about sex. (I’m trying to not do this as much. I imagine it’s just plain annoying to some people).
2. I never run out of sex topics for my blog.
If I had the time, I would write 2-3 posts a day. So many ideas, so little time.
3. Our sexual intimacy is pretty normal.
By “normal,” what I mean is that even though we love sex, we aren’t quite as wild as some people may think.
Never done it in public. (Cameras everywhere).
Never installed a dance pole in our bedroom. (Too much to explain when company comes for Easter and puts their coats on our bed).
Never worn a Wonder Woman costume or pretended to be a lost delivery gal. (I’d be overcome by uncontrollable bouts of laughter).
I’m not saying I’m against adventure… even adventure of all that sort. We’ve just never been compelled in that direction. Our normal sex life rocks our world enough.
4. I am deeply saddened and wearied by the sexual pain in so many marriages.
I wish I could grow numb to all of this.
But I can’t.
Which just confirms to me that where God instills a passion (like to write about sexual intimacy in marriage), it’s usually mingled tenderly close to searing pain — my own pain from my past marriage, as well as the pain I hear about regularly from readers.
I’m sad that many of you are sad.
5. I’m slightly nervous my openness about sex will traumatize my kids.
Actually, I’m not so worried about Oldest Child. We’ve had enough conversations that I think he really gets that sexual intimacy is a gift from God for married couples. Oldest Child is confident and can hold his own, no matter the circle he’s in.
Youngest Child, on the other hand, is wired in such a way that I worry he will be more susceptible to teasing. Sometimes I really am overcome with worry and tempted to pull the plug on all writing and speaking before he hits the age where teasing could be of the truly traumatic variety.
Then I snap back to truth and realize that Youngest Child — and really, all children — need adults like me taking brave stands for godly sexuality. He’ll be fine. Worry isn’t from the Lord anyway, so why worry?
6. I use Lori Byerly as my personal research and development department.
She is so good about including at the end of her posts links to other fabulous posts. I’ve stumbled across some of the best marriage and sex posts because of links she’s included. Thank you, Lori! Your blog and the nods you give to others are most helpful.
7. I’m in awe of how funny J of Hot Holy Humorous is.
(I was going to say I’m envious, but want to keep it all above board with the Big Guy. He likes “awe” better than “envy” as best I can gather). I tell you what, that girl has some mad writing chops. So good. So funny. And she’s a joy to talk with on the phone as well.
If ever you find me funny, you can credit J with inspiring me in that direction.
8. I think I should become a Christian sex therapist.
Well, I don’t think this often or for very long. The thought is usually fleeting, because at 43, going back to school sounds tedious. It would cramp my propensity for long coffee dates with my friends. Also would likely take a toll on my sexual intimacy, which would just be too ironic.
Seriously, though, there are not enough Christian sex therapists.
9. I try to not lose sight of first being a wife and mama — and then being a writer and speaker.
I’ll admit, this is not always easy.
Writers are tortured souls. We’re never really done. We are easily lured by the feel of a pen in our hands or a keyboard at our fingertips.
Even so, I love being a Mrs. and being a Mama, and when I offer myself fully to those endeavors, I am actually more humble, grateful and joyful in my writing. But it means there’s no way I’m writing as much as I would like. At least not right now.
10. I’m not overly crazy about the phrase “sex life.”
I’m not saying I haven’t used the phrase, because sometimes it fits better from a writing standpoint.
But here’s the deal… we have one life.
As much as we’d like to put permanent marker lines around each and every aspect, the reality is we scribble such lines in chalk. They shift, get erased, move around, are drawn and re-drawn, and rarely are as crisp as we envision them to be.
It’s just not an accurate term… “sex life.” Everything is woven and connected and impacts everything else in our life. One life.
Bonus Confession: My life is messy. All messy… my marriage, my house, my parenting, my writing process, my doubts, my certainties, my closet floor, my walk with God. The only thing that’s not messy is my appreciation for coffee. And cheesecake. I’m pretty clear on those things.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Julie, thank you for using your passion for intimacy and ministering to others and honor God! I’m thankful that you and all those in the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association are increasing the visibility of godly marriage and intimacy–it’s badly needed both in the secular world and the church!
(P.S. Given the time, it sounds like you and J could have a serious blog post competition. 🙂
Christian sexual openness is what is needed with our kids. My youngest son wants a relationship with his future wife just like my wife and mine!
I read a bunch of things here I related to (especially how others’ pain hurts), and then I read this: “Writers are tortured souls. We’re never really done. We are easily lured by the feel of a pen in our hands or a keyboard at our fingertips.” Ah yes! Like you peeked into my soul, friend.
Thanks for a whole confession just about moi! I feel so honored that I’m planning to buy you a cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake (and wine, just because). But I don’t think you need any humor inspiration from me; you’ve had me practically on the floor with laughter at times.
And, by the way, if you ever want to borrow my bullet-proof bracelets and red high-heeled boots, let me know. Ha! 😉
Julie, please keep up the great work. Your essays are always insightful and no doubt helpful to many couples. I share your sadness about the sexual pain in too many Christian marriages. God bless you.
Thanks so much for your kind words.
I love this theme of confessions. Pedestals suck. Real people in real life inspire.
There is indeed some or much pain connected with marital sexual intimacy within marriage. If you were both inexperienced when you married, for one thing, the wife had her expectations; husband had his. Did they honestly talk about these? From my viewpoint, NO! Or rather, we heard what we wanted to hear. I remember the day I told my wife I thought my sexual frustration days were over, the day we walked down the aisle. She laughed so hard it made tears come out. She said, “You mean that you thought we were going to make love like every day?” So I flipped it and said, “Well, what were your expectations of married life?
She told me something that is much sweeter and more enjoyable as we have aged. Something like, “Being together”, having children, growing together as a family. Having Sunday dinner. Sex was never a mention.
I remember being so shocked. But I think, to her, if some of those things on her list happened, making love would be a natural extension of it. That has been true. I still mark many occasions when I helped extra hard with the house, or took my daughters on a daddy daughter outing. Seems to me the intimacy part became so much easier and more frequent, more spontaneous and involved from both of us during those times, not as frequent as I would have liked…for sure, but I was seldom turned down either.
It is a part of the fabric of everyone’s life, I think, but it is only a thread, not to be cut or ignored, but just one thread. And there should be no shame within marriage, but only joy, acceptance, and total caring for the other person.
Julie, I loved reading through your list. #6 and 7 are so true for me as well! Lori is just awesome and J is super funny! I love what Lori said in her comments, that pedestals stink! I hope for our readers, this has helped knock us down-lol! Brad and I are so thankful for all that you do Julie and your following God’s nudging to blog on marriage and sex! An incredible blessing! 🙂
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Loved reading this, Julie! Since your priority is your family, your concern regarding your children is understandable. But, God will protect them. Fear Not, my friend. You are doing valuable work in His ministry. Cheers!
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It was great to read your confessions, Julie. I loved learning more about you through this post. I never quite know just how much I should share about my sex life and being married-sex-affirming in my conversations while not going overboard with details (I definitely don’t share specifics just to clarify – I’m talking about in genuine). I’m always concerned I will alienate people (particularly my unmarried sisters who have questions about dating, relationships, love, sex, and life in general). I especially love your 10th confession – sex life – you’re absolutely right and I’ve never thought of it that way. My husband and I (more so me) make a point of not being shy about sex. We’re married. We enjoy sex together. We have a healthy intimate relationship.
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@Hannah for stopping by and commenting! Bless you!!!
Will some women please help me. My wife and I have been married 11 years. We had regular sex for 3 months and sex came to a screeching hault. Since we have had 2 more kids. They are 9, 6 and 2. I would say that we have averaged 1-1.5 times a month with a favor every 10 days average. After the first child I discovered porn. I have used it to get by since. 3 months ago she discovered it and was crushed. At first it was hard to understand why she would be since she rejected 9 out of 20 attempts of initiation. We have been to counciling since. We’ve had better intimancy at times since, but she’s still got an excuse or she needs a break. Is there something wrong me because I feel like I need release every 1-3 days. I feel like I’m loosing it because my yearning for her is soooo strong. By the way the porn is nailed to the cross and dead. I’m so confused because I need more of her and she’s fine with working our butts off every day and going to sleep. By the way I have done my homework like crazy to meet her needs in the bedroom. I just haven’t had the opportunity to do it. Someone give me your thoughts on how to improve. Do women have a libido at age 38?
@Brandon… I’m 43 and have a very healthy libido, so your wife’s age alone isn’t the factor. Yes, age can affect things, but my guess is there’s more going on… she doesn’t understand the significance of nurtured intimacy, she underestimates how much pain and rejection this is causing you, she has other issues she is not dealing with, etc.
You are not abnormal for desiring your wife and wanting to make love to her.
I suggest you write her a letter and express the pain and frustration this is causing you and that you want the two of you to have a great marriage, not just one that exists. Reassure her that all types of intimacy are important to you and that it isn’t just about sex, but that you do want the two of you to put some effort into strengthening the marriage.
What did the counselor say? Maybe more counseling would help? if your wife won’t go with you, go on your own. It will give you good insights and demonstrate to your wife how serious the issue is and that you are going to do all you can to strengthen the marriage.
I am so sorry for your pain. I hear your story from many men.
the part about going to school would mess with your intimacy had me laughin so hard i cried a little great posts
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Hi julie,
I read your another essay that were good and insightful.
I think your post is helpful to many couples.
And more thing, I also like this confession serious. Thanks
God Bless you.!
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