intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles
What a New Wife MUST Know About Sex
Okay, I’m going to try something a little unconventional here.
I’m not asking for much. I just want your honest insights.
See, I regularly hear from wives who have a few years of marriage under their belts and they “wish they would have known then what they know now.”
Sound familiar?
In other words, when it comes to sexual intimacy in marriage, they spent the first several years of their marriage not nurturing it, not understanding it, and/or not communicating about it with the guy they married.
So, here’s what I want.
If you had ONE MINUTE to say anything to a soon-to-be wife about sex, what are you CERTAIN you would mention within that one minute?
Leave your comments below.
Then forward this post, Tweet it or Facebook it to as many current wives as you can.
Let’s be a body of Christian women who are bent on speaking hope, truth and encouragement into generations following us.
Let’s impact young Christian wives or soon-to-be wives in such a way that sexual intimacy in their marriages will not succumb to so many of the difficulties rampant in long-standing marriages.
Let our words teach them so that they won’t be wives who some day say with heavy hearts and regrets, “I wish I knew then what I know now.”
Ready.
Set.
Go.
Leave your comments and I will approve them as quickly as possible. Comments can be left anonymously… you can put any name you want in the name line and give a bogus email. Although, your email doesn’t publish anyway, so there’s really no harm in leaving your real email.
Let’s see if we can get at least 50 comments. Your opinion matters…
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Any woman considering marriage that is not willing to read (no, devour) Dr. Laura’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” has no business whatsoever considering marriage.
Take it from someone married 27 years who wishes he could go back.
I would tell a new wife that is younger in age that her libido will eventually catch up to her husbands and to wait patiently. As hers increases, his naturally decreases with age so she will be walking in his shoes eventually.
Talk, talk, talk! before sex & during sex. Tell him what you like, tell him what you don’t like (in a kind way), tell him if it hurts. Ask him what he likes and doesn’t like. Be willing to try new things. Never fake it. If you are not enjoying it you will dread it. Show him where to touch you and what to do to bring you to a climax, guide his hands. Show him you sensual spots. Show him where your clitoris is and how to stimulate it. He loves you and wants to please you in this area, he needs to know you are enjoying it, the more you enjoy it the more he will.
Build up your anticipation of seeing him again by doing things for him, little gifts, love notes, treats, favorite meals … think about him and why you love him so much … pray for him … thank God for him.
Kiss him goodby every morning and hello every evening. Make the kisses longer than a peck.
My list could go on and on …
I think becoming educated about having great sex is so important in a marriage. Our marriage had a sexual awakening after my wife gave me a book gift called “And they were not ashamed”. I was in total shock. During our getaway, we read the book together, and it was very enlightening. In our case, my wife had a difficult time with the “Good Girl” syndrome, and once she resolved that syndrome, making love to my wife became more frequent and more amazing. I think every young married couple should read this book together, and I emphasize together. Everyone should read it, no matter how long they have been married. There are important things in this book that both the husband and wife need to know and understand. Becoming educated on sex is important, but there is so much junk out there, it is hard for Christians to know where to seek more knowledge without reading filth, that in some cases, could make matters worse. I think Julie does a masterful job of addressing different areas of concern in a respectful way that is not offensive to most Christians. Thanks Julie for the great work you do with regards to intimacy in marriage. I always enjoy reading your posts, and also enjoy reading the comments of others.
Sex can be fantastic – FOR YOU.
Not okay, or nice, or worth doing, but so incredible that you think about it often and do it whenever you can.
This is what God intended, and it can be the reality in your marriage. Knowing you can have that is the first and most important step.
To all,
I want to share some thoughts about lovemaking which I will hope resinate with some of you. Sorry for the length.
My wife and I have been married for 29 years. We did not have sex prior to our wedding. Although,we were passionately physical leading up to the wedding. We both read Christian books on sex and dove in head first (pun intended). We had a 3 week inexpensive honeymoon. Initially, lovemaking was painful for my wife. The pain went away and we had much fun and adventure.
My first comment to young wives is do not isolate. If you are having issues which are not helping physical intimacy seek advise. Do not go into negative thoughts about your worth. Most likely, the issue can be resolve quickly. God loves you and wants to bless you and husband.
Lovemaking is fun but do not misunderstand, it is the joining of two hearts. It was designed by God to be this way.
My second observation is if you are only addressing the issues of variety, mechanics etc, you are completely missing the point. Lovemaking is fun. But it is a way of building transparency ie” naked and unshamed” as Adam and Eve in the Garden.
For me, lovemaking paves the way for me to be transparent with my wife.
Ladies, if you husband is pursuing you, it is not necessarily because he need physical release or saw you and was aroused. Men need to have intimacy and complete acceptance by their wives. (Hollywood tells us it is all physical)
Finally, I think you and your husband need to be always keeping your relationship #1. If you need help, get help. Do not avoid issues. They will fester and cause resentment.
My wife and I have had our struggles in our marriage. I can say it is only be the grace of God we are together after 29 years. The issues that made it more difficult is placing your relationship behind, a career, parents, kids, friends. My wife is a type A+, from family of A+ women. I love her very much but she continued to fill her life with other things and avoided issues of inferiority.
We have been in counseling for 12 months. We have learned a great deal. There are issues you brought into the marriage. Michael (above) can tell you. Your attachment styles are formed by 18 months old. Then it is the emotional relationship skills your brought in. The latest research in psychology is the changes in the brain with things like eye contact, non sexual touch between couples etc.
As for our sex life, my wife came from a midwest traditional family. Her mother would regularly rebuff her father in open acts of affection. My wife and I enjoyed making love. However, It was based on her energy levels, schedule etc. This is true of our communicate was well. Do not assume your husband’s love language is sex. For me, being heard in a non judgemental manner is just as important.
Our relationship deteriorated to the point of no enjoyment. We were roomates. To stay in the marriage, I made choice. I committed to love me wife again with all the issues.
I want thank Julie for her ministry. One night after a negative confrontation with my wife over our daughter’s situation, I had had enough. The interaction drained the last bit of grace I had in my heart. My mind focused on the lack of intimacy. I did not see how my wife would realize how her attitudes were affecting our relationship including our sex life.
I searched Christian Marriage on the internet. I went past the usual suspects. I found Julie’s post by a frustrated husband. God had directed me to the post. The post and website gave me hope. Why? My wife and I are in our early 50’s. We grew up with certain views that were hurting our intimacy. Julie’s blog, as I know you all can see is a fresh look at what the Bible says about intimacy.
There appears to be a work of God moving in Christianity to address this. I wholeheartedly endorse those women who have decided to help women and men address this sensitive and important issues.
To those struggling in their marriage, I want to encourage you. Our God is a great God. He made you and your husband before the world began (see Psalm 139) and knows each day you will have on earth.
He will redeem your situation where ever it is. Seek him. Listen to him. He will redeem your situation. God said to Moses what he is like. He is loving, kind and faithful.
He has healed me of 10 year depression and is redeeming our marriage.
Having four married children they get a letter from me about the sexual responsibilities they will have in marriage and straight talk about it (no pun intended.) But now since the book “Love your husband Love Yourself” they will get the letter cause it is personal from Dad plus this is the most important book among a few others that the daughters will receive as a must read before marriage. If they figure out what it takes to make a husband happy they will figure out how to do it. Eleven chapters on why you have sex with your husband! Very well written and researched. A good thought for a soon to be bride. If they know going in that sex is not only an option for a good marriage but a big boost to it they will not be as shocked and overloaded by the husbands continual sexual interest.
This would have saved us endless tension and heartache in our marriage. Most women would put out if they understand from a good source just what the responsibilities are in marriage. Words to a soon to be bride are priceless and very important that they be good ones.
Julie your question is very important and will save marriages and endless frustration. Please address this soon as we will never have to many good resources for young lovers going into marriage. A good foundation will save the building!
Before marriage everyone will tell you about satisfying your husbands desire. They tell you that even if your sex drive is lower you should do the little things that make him feel sexually appreciated. As a young bride to be I started to get excited about being sexually pursued by the man i love.
After the first few hot and heavy weeks of the honeymoon period, things dropped off. My husband would say “why cant we just cuddle” nearly every night. He told me sex wasn’t what he thought it would be. Every night turned to every other night, turned to every other week. Its 9 months later and sex is gone. My husband has been diagnosed with depression, explaining his drop in sexual drive. For me sex was emotional intimacy. It made me feel beautiful and loved. Even with his tender efforts, I cant help but feel unwanted and a bit of self loathing. If i could talk to my unmarried self id tell her every man is different and don’t assume he will have a raging sex drive, even if he assures you of it before the wedding. Otherwise you’ll find yourself crying in the shower wondering why you just got turned down AGAIN.
1. Be aware that hormonal contraceptives can kill your libido, or at least reduce it. (Ironically the neighboring post on this blog mentions this vey issue! So thank you for recognizing this!) I was taking pills for the first year and a half of my marriage and it was not good for my sex drive. We practice Natural Family Planning now (no, it is not the rhythm method!) When deciding on what kind of birth control you’ll use, do not overlook NFP or Fertility Awareness Method (FAM), thinking that it doesn’t work or is only for Catholics. (By the way, hormonal contracepives also have the potential to prevent an already fetilized embryo–i.e. new human–from implanting in the uterus.)
2. If sex is painful for awhile, get help! I had an issue like Di above, who had to have her hymen surgically removed. Fortunately my gynecologist discovered this before I was married, so it was done before I started having sex.
3. The wedding night, and even the honeymoon, might not be amazing sex, or anywhere near your expectations. Don’t give up, and share your struggles with your husband so he can be understanding and gentle. It will get better.
Enjoy it now. People say it gets better when you get older. Other than less frequency, less spontaneity, less passion, less variety, and less capability, sure…
Also, you may not feel like having sex with him. Think he always feels like talking to you?
He’s not one of your girlfriends. Don’t take him clothes shopping and ask if this is the best time he can think of having together.
Porn isn’t just about appearance, it’s about availability and interest. You can show that too in much greater ways than any other ever could.
If you wean your husband off sex while you’re a mom, don’t think he’ll come right back to how he was. He’s had to learn to adapt/adjust. Like your husband more than you like your kids.
Sex isn’t always orgasmic.
Let him see you. Don’t talk about the kids and the bills and work while he’s watching. Let him see you and enjoy you. Let him see you enjoying being a woman. Give him images.
Let him touch you. The more you become a touch me not the more he has to work of not thinking of you as someone to touch.
This is such a great site and I’ve been enjoying reading this conversation. I won’t say much, but I’ll give some advice that’s worked for me. Talk about sex with your husband. What he likes, what he doesn’t. But don’t think of it as anything but an adventure….it’s a precious God-given time to explore and know emotionally and physically who both of you are. Both my husband and I are professional musicians, and I’m only talking for myself, but we actually go a step further and talk ‘musically’ when we’re having sex and it’s such great fun and really hilarious at the same time. I know that sounds pretty dorky, but believe me, if both of you are comfortable and not ashamed and are just yourselves, then you will have some great amazing intercourse. If both of you find a niche of how you like to have sex or whatever works for you, just go with it and start ‘improvising’ along the way.
We tell each other fantasies and crazy stories sometimes during the day through text, or at night while cuddling, or even during the act…it makes it a lot more fun. So one of my advice to you is to see what works best for you and go with it OR just let it happen. Let your husband take control and see how aroused both of you get by doing certain things and mentally taking note of it. Then maybe switch it off an you lead. Believe me, he will be pleased. Especially, if you tell each other stories and TRY to follow them haha even if you don’t you still activate his ‘right’ brain to be creative with you that night and his ‘left’ brain will reassure him that you haven’t forgotten about it and vice-versa
Hope that helps! God bless! Happy adventuring!
husband writing here, married nearly 37 years. Sex has always been a difficult area for us. It isn’t worth the trouble, in fact it causes trouble. We have read books (Christian and otherwise) and websites like this one, no help at all. Also we have had couples therapy – no help.
My tips:
1. Seek relationship counselling early in your marriage – we all have issues – what’s hurt you will hurt your relationship. You can choose to usher in healing and build a strong relationship early.
2. Prioritise eating well, keeping fit: feeling and looking good for each other is a huge aphrodisiac. Find a sport you can do together: we love being known as ‘that fit couple,’ (especially since it was always hubby who was the sporty one – what I started as a means to get healthy has become a passion). Now coming up to 25 years marriage, in our 40s/50’s we train almost daily & are fitter/stronger/ slimmer than we have ever been. We love to run/ mountainbike /ocean swim and do endurance/ adventure races. Last year we tried something new – dancing. Our kids are older now: we have time & means to learn new sports which has brought spice and variety to our life. Our late teen & early 20’s kids occasionally join us & tell us they think it’s cool we do what we do and they want to be like us when they’re married.
3. Do your spiritual ministry together. Serving God together at church has blessed our relationship.
To any prospective wife: If sex is not important to you or you have no interest in working on it, tell your fiance immediately. It could be a deal breaker for him and he deserves to have all the information before deciding whether to go through with the wedding. Be open and honest with him because if you think you can just get married and then ignore sex after the vows, your husband will resent you and your marriage will suffer, if it survives at all. I am one of those husbands who was led on, duped into a nearly sexless marriage with pre-marriage promises of a sexlife. I am lonely and miserable and have been since I figured out my fate. If you love the man you are about to marry then don’t let my story become his.
I am 63 my wife is 61 we have always had a great sex life but we work at it. Having been told nothing about sex caused us to loose good years together. Tomorrow is our 42 anniversary.When we were first married we had sex two or three times a day. But it took me 15 years to learn her potential for regular organisms. There for a while she started to resent me having all the fun. We began really talking and I read everything Icould to make me a better partner. I learned about the g spot and how to touch. I learned I was a microwave she was a slow cooker. Most of all I started approaching sex as an opportunity to make her have a good time. It became about her not me. But as a result she started to make sure I was satisfied. In my forties I became disabled with a back injury. We have to work around that.After menopause we learned it became painful for her. But we still have sex once a week if not more. But it works because we each want the other to be satisfied. That means for her first most of the time. But there are times when out of the blue it will be all about me. We are still best friends, we don’t keep secrets from each other I still find as sexy noe ,actually more now then when we were first married. Sex should not be a chore but an adventure. We enjoy each other but for us it’s lady first.
Physical intimacy in the bedroom is a two-way street! You get what you give. Spicing things up in the bedroom and making your partner uncomfortable are two absolutely different things. . You can ask him why you want to role play this situations. People like have all kind of new ways and find new ways for physical intimacy spicing up in bedroom. Depend on you if your comfortable and if your not tell them. Because Physical intimacy in the bedroom is a two-way and both should enjoy it.