marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me
Your husband is not an “animal” for wanting to have sex.
He is not being unreasonably demanding.
And he is not a selfish pig.
He is a normal guy who has an appropriate expectation that his desire and need for sexual intimacy be met with the woman he married and loves.
That’s you.
Yes, I know that some marriages are in the midst of incredibly painful circumstances, wrought with betrayal, horrendous miscommunication and deep unresolved woundedness. The lack of sex is not an insurmountable matter, but I get that it is complicated.
I also know there are many marriages that don’t fit that bill. Many.
For the most part, they are relationships that move along just fine, with the exception of this discord in sexual intimacy.
Voila.
Sex-starved husband.
Enter stage right.
If you have been regularly denying your husband (and yourself) sex — if this is the “norm” in your marriage — then I humbly encourage you to stop lying to yourself.
Stop telling yourself “it is no big deal” that you and your husband rarely or never have sex.
It is a big deal.
Now, I could tell you to “just have more sex.”
But that advice would be drenched in short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes.
Ridiculous.
If ever there was a place for short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes, I guarantee it is not marriage. When have quick fixes or token efforts ever led to any kind of authentic and long-lasting depth in a marriage? Don’t answer that. We all know the answer.
What I would compassionately tell you is to figure out why you have allowed and/or purposely chosen that sex become non-existent in your bed.
Here are some possibilities (and some solutions):
Are you punishing him for a past hurt that the two of you haven’t worked through?
Do the courageous thing. Bring the issue out in the light and commit to reaching a place of forgiveness, healing and strengthened resolve to treat one another better.
If you need help from a counselor, get it.
I don’t know your situation and I certainly would never minimize how badly he hurt you, but give yourself permission to stand back and take an objective look.
Is it worth it — is it really worth it — to withhold sex from him as a way to punish him? My guess is the feeling of victory is not quite as prevalent as the quicksand of bitterness.
Have you not sought healing for past sexual pain, such as sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, rape, abortion, so forth?
If you were violated sexually in the past — or if your own sexual promiscuity has left you wrestling in isolation with shame and pain — then I implore you to seek help.
For the sake of yourself and for your marriage, please do not deny yourself the healing you need. That healing will help you embrace a right and good and holy perspective on sex with the man you married.
Are you not experiencing pleasure?
Learn about your body and educate your husband. Talk during foreplay and sex to specifically tell him what feels good.
Relax.
Spend more time making love.
Allow yourself to embrace sexual pleasure, which was designed by God. I know this is obvious, but God designed your entire body, including your clitoris. Yes! The clitoris was God’s idea. Kudos to Him on that one. Seriously, that little part of your anatomy serves no other purpose but intense sexual pleasure.
Like I always say, orgasm isn’t everything. But it is a very strong something.
Are you still believing lies that sex is dirty, wrong, gross, only for procreation?
Enough already, okay. Enough.
God designed sex to endear a husband and wife to each other, to protect them from temptation, and to give them a glimpse of His intense love. (Sure, He designed it to make babies too, but the vast majority of sex in marriage isn’t for procreation).
Whatever you’ve been told (maybe even by Christians) that paints marital sex in a bad or “obligatory-only” light is a bold-faced slam against the Word of God. Stop trivializing the truth of what God says about sex. Think I’m looney for saying any of this? Seek His Word and then let’s have a friendly heart-to-heart chat.
God is such a sexy God. I’m just saying.
Do your own struggles with body image inhibit you to the point that you have convinced yourself “there’s no way he would want to have sex with me”?
How I wish that this body image issue didn’t wreak such havoc on marriage beds.
This might be a shocker to you, but the standards doled out in media and entertainment on what constitutes “beautiful” and “sexy” are completely inaccurate. (Creating counterfeit images is kind of their gig. It’s called “make believe” for a reason. We are “made” to “believe” something that isn’t quite what they portray it to be).
If you want to get physically healthier, by all means, please do.
But if you are holding your marriage hostage until you lose the baby fat or get back to your age-20 body, pa-leaseeee — stop it. Express to your husband your struggles and ask him to be more affirming. Then do your part by growing in your sexual confidence and enjoying sex with the man you married.
(By the way, if you want to read a couple of fabulous posts on body image, I particularly like this recent one by Lori Byerly, as well as this one by Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous.)
Is his hygiene (or lack thereof) offensive to you?
I know this can be a sensitive issue, but if your husband paying closer attention to his hygiene would help improve your sexual intimacy, then by all means, you have to tell him. Speak with a tone of love, but speak it.
And for you husbands reading this, trust me — most women like a guy who smells clean. Better yet, a guy who is clean. Shower before you head to bed. (Wives, why not suggest you and your husband shower together before sex? Just an idea. Hmmm. Wonder how I came up with that one?!)
I could go on and on, but my point is that a long-term solution is not simply “going through the motions” when it comes to sex (or, sadly, not going through any motions).
Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?
Some say they wish they weren’t Christians so that it would be easier to “just leave.”
Some say they feel rejected to the point that they think their wives don’t even love them.
Some say they are tempted to look at porn, but they resist. It is extremely difficult though.
Some say they do look at porn, but would rather be having sex with their wives.
Some say they completely understand the appeal of having an affair.
Some say they stay in the marriage because of the kids.
Some say they are angry at their wives for being so careless with their marriage vows.
Some say they feel worse after receiving “obligation” sex.
Do you want to know what all of them say?
All of them say they hunger for sex that is characterized by deep love and oneness with the woman they married.
Call me crazy, but I just don’t think a selfish pig would say something like that.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
My husband said that I was selfish and horny, because I asked him when we were going to do the deed again. He is ten years older than me. It has been a month since the last time and I expressed to him that if we don’t do it now then he would have to wait 6 months until I am completely healed from having our baby, which totals to 8 months. In fact, it’s not even the sex that I want anymore, it’s the hot and bothered feeling you get before. I watch porn, but it’s boring. So, as I am counting down the hours before he leaves to work which he does his own stuff no minding me…I meditate, eat breakfast, garden and then he’s gone from which I just go about my day. Because of this moment, I don’t feel like I have a husband, it feels like I have a housemate, which really sucks because I don’t anymore express what my thoughts are because he always shoots them down.
Another starved husband: we have been married for 36 years, I always knew that she just was a little apprehensive when it came to sex or making love, 5 years into the marriage she told me she had been abused sexually as a child, I was there for her and I’m still here for her, now that I think of it when we were dating she had told me she was a virgin! Wow I guess she lied to me, but honestly I can’t remember one time I’ve felt wanted by her she has never initiated sex, well fast forward and here we are I am not allowed to touch her in anyway or bring up the subject of sex I have been starving for sex now for at least 7 years I have been a good man to her in all ways I can think of I have never forced her or yelled at her, however I’ve become very resentful towards her I just don’t think it’s fair I wasn’t the one who hurt her in fact I’m the one who basically rescued her out of that place, sometimes I just feel like gassing up my old truck and just driving away I’m soo tired of trying to look good for her or impress her or anything that might get a peck on the cheek, I’m 206 I’m not fat, I’m former marine I have tried and tried whatever I can think of but nothing I feel like her pet that she found and put me in a cage she feeds me gives me water but never ever plays with me, wait am I selfish wanting to make love to my wife of 36 years, I hope not, I’m starving here’s a question is it better for a man to starve cuz he has no food or to starve because his wife has locked the refrigerator and has the key, I’m sorry for that I’m not a bad man I pray for us daily but I am very tired of waiting and wanting. What I’m going threw is hurtful and unfair and sometimes I’d rather just go home, I’m very lonely and tired of trying
Hello,
God bless you both for staying committed, but I must say this, biblically you are not to deprive each other from sex because you will be tempted and possibly fall into it. Why commit to be married if you didn’t plan to fulfill your duties. My question, why stay and be miserable the covenant has been violated. This type of behavior leads to a man finding another who will do what you won’t and of course the spouse will become the victim. If you don’t want to treat him/her right let the marriage go, out of respect. Marriage is suppose to be a beautiful journey iwhen the vows are respected and taken seriously. If you don’t want to perform and give your best then give it up. You only live once and you deserve to be happy.
Hi I’m Danny and I’m the one that posted earlier, I really appreciate the advice but to be honest Im 55 years old and I wouldn’t even know how to approach a beautiful woman it’s been soo long I probably wouldn’t even know what to do if she was interested in me, sometimes I do wish that I had a friend to talk to (woman) I don’t know just to be intamate with and share with but it’s been soo long she would have to initiate because my wife hasn’t been intamate with me for so long I wouldn’t know how to start, I’m sorry maybe I shouldn’t even say that … Just tired of waiting ?
This whole post fails to address the issue that soooo many men use porn BEFORE there are any issues with sex. In other words , they feel entitled to have the living wife who has regular sex with them and also be using images in private of hot twenty year olds who have barely experienced life let alone carried and delivered the husbands babies ( something the majority of men have zero respect for …. The fact women undergo huge changes and can become very self conscious ) instead of supporting us , what do they do …check out every young pre baby body they can !!!!!!!!
They then act all shocked when their wife finds out and suffers severe body image problems , loss of sexual desire and often depression.
Men love to play the victim but seldom address the ways in which they contribute to their wives not wanting sex in the first place
Thanks for pointing that out, Alison.
As if pornography ever healed a marriage, or any relationship… Former porn stars, who have told of their profession, very seldom have anything good to say about their former careers.
They get no respect, but often exist on drugs to numb the pain of feeing worthless and devalued.
How then men expect such acts bring anything good into their marriage?
I have been married for over twelve years and sex starved for almost half of that time. Sex starved to me is about two to three times per year.
Worst yet when we do, do it, it is painfully obvious she isn’t in to it…and I think that hurts even more. I have tried to discuss how it makes me feel…having and not having…the making me feel closer…making me feel wanted/accepted. We have gone to counseling…she gets offended. If I bring it up it just causes an argument.
I have considered cheating to get my needs met. I have never felt so alone an unattractive/undesired in a relationship before. I have even considered leaving but we have two boys around age 10 and I am the breadwinner.
I even brought up maybe we should have an open relationship…she wants none of that either.
Allison,
I rarely use porn and even more rarely let my wife know, let alone it being prebaby bodies. I have and do support her through everything she does and has been through even through my sex starved state. I have tried just about everything I know to try and I am still here. I have read most everything there is to read on this topic and still don’t have resolution.
My step father cheated on my mother when I was an early teen, just before she was killed in a car wreck axnd I never wanted to be that man but sex starvation goes a long way…for the high sexed partner (that I am) sex starvation is almost like food starvation…it is a need not a want and when that need isn’t met it hurts, emotionally, mentally…so I am sorry you think us men are making a convenient excuse.
Witholding sex, intimacy from your partner has been compared to cheating as just as big a violation of trust In a marriage. How does a spouse consider it sustainable to not be intimate with their partner but still expect monogamy?
what is sex-starved? Is 2-3 times a week sex-starved, if husband wants sex daily? I know I need to feel loved to want to be intimate. Type A men often give all their attention, passion, energy, and time to tasks, work, others, and very little to wife and children. (My husband told me as a new bride a) there’s no need to say anything positive to you. That’s a waste of time. I’ll let you know when you bother me…that way I don’t have to talk so much. …what happened to the romantic man who courted me?, 2) He made a list of his responsibilities and ranked them. i came in 2nd to last, just before taking out the garbage. Again, this was the first 2 weeks of marriage. Things have improved (thank God!), but he is and has said he will always be too busy to discuss marriage. it’s a done deal, and I had better live up to my part because he does his part. (Obviously, we disagree). It’s hard to be intimate with someone who has belittled and blamed me for decades. He now says how wonderful I am, but while I try to accept that intellectually, emotionally I feel it’s a trap. I have to work very hard to overcome fear. Truthfully, in 44 years of marriage, I have never felt loved by him.
Allison,
Your comments sound a lot more to do with your insecurities than your husbands actions. Just as much as you chose your husband he chose you, he chooses to love you and want to make love to you. Sex is an intimate and important part of a healthy relationship. Pointing out what your husband is doing wrong or making excuses. There is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation and it shouldn’t be viewed as “competition” men are visual creatures maybe if you are so completely ready to blame porn and your husbands sins for the sex issues in your marriage you should gift him something to look at when he’s alone
Marymorstan asks, “what is sex-starved? Is 2-3 times a week sex-starved, if husband wants sex daily?”
I think we simplify the question too much when we think in terms of calendar day frequency. For me, the question is, how often do you want your husband to feel close to you? For whatever reason, men were designed such that physical affection and sex are the primary ways our bodies release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. We want to feel close to our wives, and we feel close when we are physically intimate. So, how often do you want your husband to have those feelings? How you answer that question will answer your question about sexual frequency.
btw, I’m so sorry your husband has treated you the way he has. I fully understand how you would have difficulty feeling sexual attraction toward him.
My wife hasn’t slept with me for over 6 months and really doesn’t care how I feel about it. In fact, she hasn’t even allowed me to touch her affectionately in pretty much the same time frame. I am starting to wonder how long I need to put up with this before I just leave. Even the Bible says that if one partner leaves, you should let them. As far as I am concerned, her behavior constitutes abandonment.
I’ve been with my partner over 7 years she been going through menopause last 12months but we haven’t made love for 15 months I love her & want her but she’s pushing me away no more than pecks & allowed the odd feel I am starving save me I love her & want to be with her or has the well dryen up on me forever
16-18 years. No physical intimacy of any kind. No passionate kiss, sex or any foreplay. Haven’t had an emotional or physical affair. Yes I’m tired. Choosing to be happy by having relationships that give me passion but without succumbing to have sex.
D; I don’t feel like a man , I’m depressed, I feel like giving up, I have been a good man to her, but I can’t n won’t try anymore it’s not fair it’s like torture not being or feeling wanted or needed, I’m not overweight I mean no disrespect to those of us that are, I’m only saying I have taken care of myself for her, maybe I’ll get a look a touch anything that will show me she still has something for me, it’s not fair, I’m not a porn guy, I don’t even have a computer, I do all the things that are expected of a man, but no more, no more!!! It’s been soo long, I am not even allowed to touch her!!! I’m tired ?
Danny,
If your wife was sexually abused as a child, sex could cause her deep pain and reliving the trauma. That seems more important than your desire for pleasure with your wife. Why would you want to do something that might cause her emotional pain? Help her if she wants to find therapy to help her cope with her horrible trauma.
I was totally refused for 4 years, and had sex only a few times a year for about 20 years before that. But I want to encourage these men and women to stay faithful to each other and abandon yourselves to God. Our marriage has been healed recently from this refusal and gatekeeping. God was bringing both of us to deep conviction about our attitudes towards sex. She came to understand that refusal is a sin, one that puts me in grave danger of temptation (and yes, I did sometimes fall to that temptation via porn and masturbation). But I also had to be changed in my attitudes. I was convicted that I thought sex was about just physical pleasure, mainly mine, and I had been selfish and self-centered in my approach to sex with my wife. I finally realized that what I was craving wasn’t merely physical sex, but a close relationship with my wife. That opened the door for me to pursue that intimacy in non-sexual ways that would make sense to her and reassure her of my love.
BTW, we all know that love isn’t just a feeling but is action. I started to take Ephesians 5 seriously, loving her the way Christ loves the church (that means me). He loves me no matter how I grieve Him, deny Him, refuse to serve Him, ignore Him, and sin against Him. Being an Ephesians 5 husband is a terrifying thing, and it will probably entail a cross. But with Jesus as my role model, and with the guidance and power of the Holy Spirit, I’ve made this my goal. I fall woefully short most of the time, but He gives more grace.
And I know that our renewed marriage, even (or especially) the sexual aspects, reflects in a very real way my relationship with my Savior. When my wife and I make love, I have in my heart an echo of the joy Christ must feel when I surrender myself to Him and am renewed daily in my walk with Him.
Men, stay faithful, even when what you’re going through feels like torture. You’re not alone. And women, realize that your husband’s sexual desire for you is not just that he’s feeling horny and in need. What he wants is YOU, and refusal of sex says that you refuse HIM. And above all, know that there is healing and renewal through God’s love. He knows and shares your pain and loneliness, and he wants to take your marriage to a place of renewed joy.
To Bobthemusicguy; this is Danny I just want to thank you, I love your comment and I realize that your right my God should always be 1st and paramount in ALL aspects of my life, and I have prayed and talked to him I’m going to live my life of surrendering to him threw Christ his son, as it says “seek God 1st and all else will be added to you” thank you for bringing me back, and I just want to say “Amen”
To Bobthemusicguy; this is Danny I just want to thank you, and say “Amen”
Check out Paul Byerly’s posts yesterday and today on The Generous Husband. He’s been talking about critical mass, and how little changes build over time. His main point is that you can change things and seem to be getting nowhere, but sooner or later, the balance is tipped and the changes become a self-sustaining reality.
I think that God works with us that way. Occasionally God changes someone in a dramatic “Damascus Road” manner, but usually the changes are a little at a time. I know that many times in my life, I’ve looked back in time to realize that something that was once a huge temptation to sin no longer has any attraction at all. I don’t remember it changing, I just know the allure is gone.
Danny, I pray that you will continue to be faithful to your wife and love her unconditionally. And keep praying for her, not only that she will change toward you, but also that God would bless her, draw her close to Himself, and heal her heart. I know that in sexual refusal, your wife will sometimes feel like your enemy. But Jesus taught is to pray for our enemies. I hope you will be blessed as much as I have been in my marriage renewal.
I have been starved for intimacy our entire marriage. My wife and I waited until marriage. Before marriage, I was excited about finally experiencing that oneness with the woman I loved. She acted like she was too. About a month into our marriage, intimacy started to become less frequent and was reduced to about 8-10 times per year. That was 8 years ago. After many attempts to try and fix things, I have given up. I thought she was too tired and busy so I took on most of the household chores. She filled her newfound free time with her girlfriends, Netflix and Facebook. I thought she was feeling too pressured by me about it so I backed off and quit initiating sex to give her space to relax. She seemed happy with that but never seemed to care about my need to feel loved and accepted. I have been taking supplements to kill my sex drive. I thought it would make me happier to not have the need to unfulfilled. I’m not happier. I don’t feel as angry about it anymore but maybe that’s just the loss of testosterone. The physical need is mostly gone but the emotional need to connect is still there. I just wish I could get through the day without feeling lonely, unattractive, and undeserving of love. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I feel like an empty shell with no drive to live. Not suicidal but wouldn’t put any effort into saving my own life. More than anything, I hate that I still love her. I wouldn’t willingly end my life because then she wouldn’t get my life insurance. She would lose the house and I couldn’t do that to her. We have no children since she is only ever in the mood for sex when conception is least likely. I feel like I threw away the best part of myself in a sham marriage. I have nothing left to offer anyone so I may as well just live out my days in resignation that I will never have the marriage I hoped for in my youth. Maybe God will take pity on me and take me in my sleep.
H,
Hang in there buddy; I am with you regarding how the lack of sex can make a man feel. I am a very high achiever combat arms military type with a see Christian appreciation for head of household as it relates to marriage regarding the relationship between Jesus Christ and his Church. I would like to echo the sentiments of Bobthemusicguy and I know it is the most empty feeling; indeed he giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater, Amen!! Be filled my brother with the spirit of OUR Lord and pray and fast in order to be heard. In our own strength we don’t stand a chance, this is true, but when we’ve reached the limit of our finite resources our Father’s fullgiving has only begun!! Amen!! His grace has no measure, his love has no limit, his power has no boundary…. Known unto man… For out of his infinite riches in Jesus…. He giveth and giveth and giveth again….. AMEN!!! As I minister unto you, I minister unto myself; strengthen us Lord in accordance with your will and spirit… Saints of OUR Lord run the race, hold on, hold on….
LB
H,
You feel like you “threw away the best part of yourself in a sham marriage” because you DID. How do I know? Because I did the same thing. My wife always had a ready excuse, too many to go into here but trust me all the usual plus a few I guarantee you never thought of.
Do more housework so she’d have “more energy?” Check. It worked. She has more energy for Facebook, crafts, going to the gym, selling Thirty-One, AWANA, Women’s Bible Study, VBS, and doing 5-10K’s (funny how when I was going to the gym and jogging, I couldn’t force her at gunpoint to go with me), and now she has “thyroid problems” but is still out late most nights doing her thing. Bottom line-she HAS the energy for what she WANTS to do, just not for me; guess I’m not enough of a priority.
Back off and give her “space,” and not bring it up? Check. She was as happy as a clam to be left alone; she never mentioned it again.
Haven’t taken any supplements to kill the desire; testosterone drop and constant rejection took care of that. I have the desire on some level, but I know there’s no point in doing anything about it-the faith does not allow me to divorce her except for adultery and besides, at my age, with my lack of “expertise” in the bedroom, who would want me? Were it not for my daughter I would NEVER have stayed in this never ending bad dream.
Hate my marriage.
Hate my wife.
Hate my religion.
Hate my life.
Done with hoping/praying, unless it’s for an early demise.
Omg you guys!!! I’m literally dealing with the same thing but I’m the WIFE! My husband never wants intimacy. The very few times we’ve been together he either says “are you happy now?” or implies it. I feel similar to all of you. It’s a horrible life & I’m a FEMALE so most people think I’m nuts like WHAT A MAN THAT DOES NOT WANT SEX????? So, I’ve got that going for me too…LOL NOT FUNNY BUT CRIED TOO MANY NIGHTS.
Sad girl please hang in there I know how you feel I’ve been married for 36 years and can count on both hands how many times I’ve felt wanted by her, but I’m praying for you and your husband, I pray he opens his eyes and sees what a beautiful wife he has and doesn’t want to lose her, I also am praying for all of us husbands who’s wives are withholding being intamate with and hope that things change for the better, I’m here for her and have been I’m not a porn guy like some ladies suggested in earlier posts and haven’t stepped out on her, however I am getting tired of waiting
Help! I am 41 yrs old &have been married for 13 years and I feel like my husband resents me mostly because I suddenly (last 12-14 mos) have no sex drive. I have also started nursing school full time and work in a restaurant full time. I still try to keep up the house, take care of our 2 dogs/4 cats, make meals, study and spend time with him. But he is needy, he wants rubs and backscratches, he wants sex, but he never wants to go out on a date and gets upset when I have my nose in my books. He says it’s all me being selfish or cold. Yes, we used to have a good sex life but I dont desire it much and feel like I try daily to balance everything in my life and I’m tired. And honestly, I have told him I DO want to go out on a date and do stuff then I would feel close to him and happy and want to make love, he says we are on opposite schedules and that is hard to do. Now we just resent each other, he blames me and won’t listen and I am sad because I feel like he has me all wrong.
Help!
Alan,
I am praying for you most of all! I know all too well how you are feeling. I am in a 20 year marriage and dealing with same problems. I am the female, but husband doesn’t want sex except twice a year. It has taken a real toll on me emotionally. I feel like you described at most times.Something has to give sooner or later. You aren’t alone! I don’t normally write on these forums, usually just read, but after reading what you wrote, I feel compelled to tell you, You are not alone!!! Hang in there…Saying a prayer for you today!
I’m on the fence. As a man, I feel so starved that I’m ready to find sex with another woman but keep it secret. I think about it so much it feels normal now, like it’s the only solution. I masturbate daily, sometimes multiple times per day thinking of other women. However, I do, from time-to-time, get encouragement like Bobthemusicguy’s posts and LB’s post. But, even with those great feelings of encouragement, I just can’t shake this idea that I’ll be happier if I go find it somewhere else. The only challenge…no self confidence. A starved woman, even if she’s only a “1” on the 10-point scale, she simply needs to go out, point to a man, state her need and she’ll be with him on her terms. For a man with no confidence, I feel I’d have to go up to 100 women, get rejected by all of them and then somewhere on the 2nd set of 100 I might get lucky, which ultimately means way too much work and rejection…which leads me back to my original point….I’m on the fence.
I have a question, is it wrong for a husband like me that has gone without for several years because my wife refuses me to relieve myself every so often, I feel guilty afterwards because I feel like I cheated however there is no porn involved I just try to remember when we used to be intamate and believe it or not I still get excited of thoughts of her n I together, please will someone answer
Sometimes I think about leaving, no intamacy at all for yrs, or am I too old I’m 55 maybe I should just shut up and take it cuz I do love her still
A poster above wrote: “Men, stay faithful, even when what you’re going through feels like torture. You’re not alone.”
Actually, we ARE alone. Each of us. We got married as to give ourselves to another person and to become “one flesh.” And instead, we ended up ALONE.
When the woman you gave your vows to stops being intimate with you and has no interest in even acknowledging your feelings and frustrations but instead faults you for them, you are ALONE.
The one person who you should be able to talk to happens to be the one who has cut you off. So you are, therefore, ALONE.
I have prayed on the issue for quite a few years. Yes the Lord is with me, yet I am ALONE in my marriage. I have a room mate who I support along with kids who I support. I do more than my share of everything. And for this I am ALONE.
The more I have prayed and communicated with her about it, the more she has disengaged and the more infrequent (if that’s possible) the sex has become.
I know I am not the only one, as there are probably ten men in my situation for every woman in such a situation. But I am still ALONE.
It gives me no comfort to know that my marriage is typical. My wife chose me because I could be a great provider, and my alpha nature ultimately made me the breadwinner and brought her two lovely children. But now all that male stuff is useless isn’t it. My nature has become a liability and something that I need to fix, since she’s done with that. I’m messed up, because I am a man.
I only wish I had known what a raw deal marriage is for the man. I might have still held out hope my marriage would turn out differently, but when it didn’t at least I could say I expected it not to. But no, I was stupid and dare I say completely deceived by this talk of “one flesh.”
I wish I had been told that the “one flesh” phase of marriage is nothing more than a summer day that quickly passes, and is supplanted by the cold winds of autumn; and then the icy depths of winter take root for the rest of our remaining days.
I thought as a single person I was alone, but turns out that was no comparison to the endless loneliness of being married.
@Daniel: While I agree with you about us being alone in our individual struggles, it is still nice to know we aren’t the only ones that go through it. Reading and responding to comments on this site has become an emotional outlet for me. At least here I have the opportunity to see a few kind and sympathetic words that I would never get at home. I still have no hope of a fulfilling marriage but this site gives me a place to share my feelings with people who actually care about others. We aren’t alone here.
I feel and understand both of you, although I tend to agree with H Its kinda helpful to here that im NOT alone in my struggles that others are going threw the same thing, although I am sorry that others go threw this withholding lifestyle that our wives put us threw, I can say I’m not perfect no where near that regarding being a good husband I am a believer in Christ and have chosen him in my life, and so my point is that if my wife would give me a chance I would try so hard to please Her sexually and make it about her in the hopes that she would maybe want more, but as I’ve posted before she was abbused as a child and she has that wall up where I’m not allowed to touch her or sleep with her on the same bed, believe me when I say I am trying, I don’t push her to it or anything it’s like having a roommate, we go to counciling together and I haven’t stepped out on her either, but I can tell you it’s difficult I’m 56 but still have wants and thoughts of us and I pray that God would restore what was stolen from her as a child, I wasn’t aware of her issues until she told me 6 years into our marriage we’ve been married 36 years now so you can imagine how long I’ve waited for her, I do love her I guess that’s why I’m still here, but because of issues with my health and all the time that has gone by the dr says I’m depressed I tell my wife it’s because of my health but really it’s because I’ve gone without for so long and feel so lonely and disrespected but I can’t tell her that cuz she will feel pressured and probably get mad or cry or something so I pray and wait it’s hard ?
Sorry guys , you make us women feel like a piece of meat , shame on you , i got tired of being viewed as a sex object and made to feel like that is what marriage is all about . Then having your 60 year old husband that wants you to lay there for ever just to get him off . It would maybe be different if he would go to the dr . Sorry , stop whining , it’s not all about you and your d***. Love is so much more !
Shame on you Tammy for being so judgemental and harsh. These people cry their eyes out because their love is the only thing holding their marriage together. If you listen to the accounts a common thread runs through each story. They want to be desired and have passion once again. How heartless you must be. Open your mind and heart to the struggles of others. All I can wonder is what happened to make you so bitter? It is not wrong to long for wanting to be wanted or desired. It is abusive to deny each other sexual intimacy in marriage. If there is a problem and spouse will not go TOGETHER for counsel / doctor for medical assistance, then it is a valid problem. To say their problems are not valid reflects a level of immaturity that suggests that you are either quite young, never married, or married for a very long time to someone who was abusive to you. To those with the courage to tell their tales here, know that it is not just an outlet for your frustrations. So many people google and hit this page (like myself) just to make sense of what is happening to their marriage. Is it just me, are others suffering like I am, is their a way to fix the problem. Just love and have hope for your future. Hope is the blueprint for our faith. Without hope, we lose direction and fall into deep depression. If you love and pray that God changes your mates heart, you will either get one of two results. 1) The miracle 2) a release from God, where you have done everything Christ would have asked of you spiritually and in the natural. Some problems in my life take days, weeks, years, and decades to fix. I know how to endure and I have learned how to know when you are released from responsibility that is not or is no longer your cross to bear. Me, I am in prayer mode and burn off all the aggression at the gym. After a few hours of weights and planks it drains that neg energy. I am 46, attractive and in the same situation. 25 years of marriage to an asexual who loves me very much. I carried him on my raw passion all these years, but I am just so so very tired and sad. Daniel, you are a writer at heart. You paint with words… Remember that winter gives way to spring and sadness can melt away with the cycle of spring. As long as we have breath in our lungs, we have hope. If you drop kicked that hope down the steps go pick it back up and trust that God cares if we are happy.
~ Summer
Married the love of my life over a year ago. About a month after we got married, she had to resign from her job due to health reasons. She had heart surgery last September, and her health has improved, but not our sex life. We went from having sex 3-4 times a month, to about 1-2 times a month.
The excuses are usually, “My back hurts” or “my period is here” or “I’m too tired”. This wouldn’t bother me, except she has plenty of energy to hang out with her friends, go shopping with her mom, and other things that require a lot of physical exertion.
While she does initiate at times, I feel like she does it out of pity. I sometimes feel like I have to beg my wife for sex, and that I’m some sort of pervert for doing so. It’s been a struggle to keep my thought life and my internet activity pure. I know my situation is not an excuse to look at porn, but the temptation is always there. I’ve been trying to channel my energy into other things (prayer, sports, reading), but it’s hard sharing a house and bed with a woman that you’re sexually attracted to. I feel like I own a car that I can only drive once or twice a month.
I expressed my lack of sexual satisfaction to her, and she understands, but not much has changed. I’m praying that the Lord can give me the strength to bear this burden until something changes.
Marriage does not stop you from making your own decisions and living your own life. It is an excuse – you are hiding. Marriage is not a physical chain holding you to your partner. I understand you made a promise and you feel bound by that promise. But a partner who is with-holding sex also made a promise, and they are failing to live according to that promise. As such you are FREE from your promise. Your chains are broken. Tomorrow is a new day, make a choice, draw a line in the stand, be honest with yourself about what you want from life. Scared to step into the unknown? Yes. Scared that your everything you’ve lived for will be outed as a lie? Yes. But many of you seem to have admitted it is a lie. It wasn’t a life originally but it is now. And I think you need to cleanse yourselves by letting the truth be known. Bitterness and anger will make you depressed and hurt your relationships. Set yourself free by making your opinions known, your expectations known and tell your significant other the truth. If you can’t tell them then they are not the one for you. If you can tell them and they don’t listen, then they don’t respect you, they are not the one for you. If you tell them and they try and fail, then maybe you can keep trying.
I think the most difficult part is being honest with yourself. Once you know what you want, you may be scared of making the wrong decision. Keep a diary, record your thoughts on a daily period for say a year. Then you can see whether you’re marriage is worth it, looking back on a daily basis. Were you happy 10%, 20%, 50%, 75% of the time? Are you concerns difficult to deal with when they arise because of the immediacy of them, but then when they go away do you realise they are a normal part of growing in a relationship?
Wow. You guys are such awesome people to still stay with your wives for that long after these miserable stories i hear. I think i would have such a hard time trying to do that, yet again, I’m still an unmarried individual barely finishing high school, so theres probably something I’m not fully understanding yet. But you guys are all such a huge inspiration towards me to drive for even deeper connections with God. I hope one day God will provide me as well, the privilege of being a woman’s husband whom i will fully dedicate myself to. I wish for the better of all you and will keep you in my prayers. Keep on fighting the good fight gents. God bless.
Reading through the recent comments to this post and to the post, Is Your Spouse Begging for Sex?, prompts me to submit these thoughts. That marrying someone is taking a risk, a not insignificant risk. For the person who has a sincere heart and honest mind and who truly loves their spouse, there is no guarantee that your spouse is going to love you, really love you. As they say “love is the riskiest of investments”. You open up your heart and soul to the other person and you do not know if they will return that love.
My late father told me that there is much about the person you marry that you will not know until after you are married for a time. Even when the engaged persons discuss their values and goals before getting married, they may not be fully committed to these. Engaged persons really ought to discuss sex (and its importance) prior to getting married in an attempt to be on the same page so to speak.
But, there is a serious problem out there. That is where one spouse or the other plays gatekeeper or refuser when it comes to sexual intimacy. It seems that this is more often done by a wife than by her husband. Sexual intimacy is part of marriage and women need to understand this better. Husbands do not need to “earn” sexual intimacy from/with their wife. The wife who selfishly uses sex to try to manipulate or control or punish her husband is morally wrong for doing so. The Christian churches need to do a better job of addressing this in their marriage ministries and counseling.
Hi I’m D I’ve been here before you all know my story I’m basically another starving husband, but what I want to say is that a pretty woman told me “hi and good morning ” wow that just made my whole day and with a smile you need to understand I’m not used to that and it’s strange to me although I’ve been married for 36 yrs well anyway whoever she was I want to say THANK YOU
I’m am so tired of being denied and sleeping in the other bedroom because she feels more comfortable without me there with her! It’s been years since I’ve felt my wife, I don’t know what to do she says she doesn’t need me or want me, we have been married over 30 years and I can’t remember one time she initiated, I guess all this should tell me something huh, it’s just that I love her, but at the same time I don’t want to be a fool, I have feelings about her not good ones either sometimes I would just want to know cuz she says she doesn’t have anyone else but like I said I get these feelings and I’m tired of trying to be what she wants I guess that will never happen it she’s found someone else right??
I should have my husband read the comments posted, mainly so he could see that he had it pretty good in comparison. We have sex at least one night a week, which could mean we go 1,2, sometimes 3 times in that night. It’s become at least a once a week event since he started complaining that every other wasn’t enough. I should mention here that I spend all my time working sometimes 12-14 hour days to support us with 3 jobs while he is in school, so I’m not feeling terribly sexually giving after doing that 5days out of the week. But it seems like whenever I do give him any, he spends the next couple days hounding me all hours of the day to have sex. It’s like when I give him an inch he tries to take a mile, that what I do will never be enough. Outside from his attempts to push me into having sex, I get little to no physical attention or affection whatsoever. And he dares to say he’s sex starved. Maybe men should stop thinking of sex as our “duty” to give to them as wives. I would ask those men what are you doing to make your wives’ lives a little easier? These days working women like myself are expected to hold a job, be bread winners, on top of maintaining a clean home, cooking a meal every evening, keeping it “tight,” (because heaven forbid we put on a few pounds or don’t go to the gym daily, but instead choose to keep those extra few minutes snoozing before leaving home for the drudgery of the day), and THEN have the energy to come home and give porn-quality love making when we finally get home. Perhaps those that have been married and have put up with that nonsense for more than a decade have finally decided enough is enough and are just exhausted. Take care of them! Pamper your wife! She needs it! Her well is empty, so what on earth do you expect to possibly get out of it?!? Perhaps that is what churches need to be speaking on, that women are your equal, and not a sexual tap, or the dutiful little housewife there for your needs. Are you fulfilling hers??
Sorry if I’m a bit late to this conversation, but I think Tammy’s comment is totally abhorrent.
I don’t (and never have) thought of my wife as a “piece of meat”.
I have never (and will never) force myself on any woman.
I’ve never believed that a wife “owes” her husband sex. But I think that if he asks for it she ought to at least consider it.
Been married 15 years. 46 years old with two kids 13&14.
Love my wife so much I think about her all the time. I am the main breadwinner. I make great money now but had to go through the meatgrinder to get here. Worked hard so she could be a stay at home mom, which is what she wanted more than anything.
I am always doing things to let her know that I am thinking of her, care for her or make her life easier.
She has a pretty awesome life. She has her dogs ( top priority) and Facebook. Takes trips with girlfriends and sister(NY, Napa…) She has her new car she wanted, new IPhone, clothes, purses…
She brags to her friends what an awesome husband and father I am (which I am), but never makes any kind of effort for me in any way. Sex or otherwise.
She knows how important sex is to me but we still only manage once every 6 weeks, typically just to take the edge off when I get grumpy at week 5.
I am so into her, the only porn that I can get into is with a woman that looks like her.
I am madly in love with someone who does care about me, just not enough to put any effort into it.
Help… I feel completely trapped in a one side gets all marriage. Yes, I mean all. Tammy above… sorry, but you are ignorant. I want affection and intimacy. I’d you saw me, you would not think I would have this problem. I am very attractive, desirable, fun, kind, loving, amazing father, that puts others first including my wife. I am humble and selfless. Nothing I do wins her affection or appeciation. I get asked to do everything and I do it out of love… well I did for years, but now I have started to become numb and resentful. She does not care at all. When I am home, I do do do and never ask for anything in return. I just want a wife that appreciates me, is affectionate, and will make love more than once every other month. She knows it drives me nuts. I express my feelings and she does not care at all. How can a wife say I love you and treat the one person who cares for them the most with no compassion at all? Should I divorce? I don’t see an end to this. It’s been the entire 7 years of marriage. I am done making any attempts as I have numbed out. I now treat her like she treats me, no compassion, and all that does is start arguments and 3 months of no intimacy. Funny thing is is she talks to me normal and acts as if nothing is wrong. Help. I’ve married the most self centered person in the world.. it’s never about anyone else, but her. What should I do? I am a Christian. I don’t believe in divorce or cheating. I am so jealous that I there are thousands of women out there who would appreciate me, feel lucky to have me, and I have no way out. I know putting God first, and being selfless works, but not when it only done by one of the 2.
I have been in a sex starved marriage for 27 years and it all started on our wedding night. Before that, sex was frequent and fantastic.
We have sex 5-6 times a year and when we do, I make sure that I am attentive to her needs and it’s obvious that she enjoys it multiple times. She just doesn’t want to do it that often. I’ve talked to her numerous times before but that only seems to bring about obligatory sex and eventually we fall back into the same old rut.
In spite of this, I do love her but I am very frustrated. I feel like I’ve wasted my life away in a relationship that is otherwise good but lacks intimacy. I guess that’s really what is missing and what I crave.
I wish I knew what to do.
welcome to my world.
fantastic mother but a lousy wife.
bust my butt to provide and lucky to deserve a hug once a fortnight.
Yes she loves me but I’m a man and need more than words.
My husband and I have been married for 17 years and we have not had sex or the intimacy of hugging, kissing, or touching, for 13 of them. There wasn’t much going on before that either. On our wedding night, we didn’t even finish. That should have been a big warning sign right there.
The last time we had sex was when he had gone away for the weekend. I planned a romantic get together when he got back so I got this nice card for him and put a condom in it. The look on his face when he saw it was actually horror, not excitement. At that point, it had been a long time since we’d done it and it was completely awkward and we never finished that time either.
I have never initiated since then, but I did ask him if he’d like to sleep together again a couple of years ago. He made a joke saying we do sleep together, as in the same bed. Then he went on to say that the thought of sex makes him feel insecure.
I could maybe understand that part of it, but there is no intimacy either. He acts repulsed if I touch him, even in non-sexual ways which has left me feeling completely undesirable. At this point, I no longer want to be intimate with him. I think to turn me off, so I won’t want sex, he rarely brushes his teeth, is always wearing his dirty work clothes, smells of smoke etc. The romantic connection with him died long ago. I wish I had the strength to leave because I can’t see how I can live like this for the rest of my life. It would be less painful to be alone than live with a partner who doesn’t want to be with you that way.
My wife and I have been married 27 years. When we HAD sex, which was maybe 1 to 2 times a month, she wanted sex only in one position, which became very boring over the years. Anytime I suggested or tried to vary our position she said she didn’t want to. One night when we were having sex in the only position she would do (this time with the lights dim instead of lights off like we usually had sex) I saw the look on her face, which I wouldn’t have seen if the lights were off. The look on her face let me know she hated it. I felt horrible inside and immediately stopped. I told her I sensed she hated it. She told me she didn’t ever like sex and didn’t want sex at all anymore. She never told me that before we were married. I wish she had. Obviously, I don’t want her doing something she didn’t want to do. Her words are branded on my mind and those words left a gash so deep in my heart that will never heal. It has been seven years and we haven’t had sex since that night. I am deeply resentful of her. I feel defrauded by her. I feel like she misrepresented herself to me during a big chunk of my life. I feel like the lady I married doesn’t care a lot about me or my needs. I used to bust my rear-end in my business life to give us a better life so we could have fine dinners out, travel to exotic places and do fun things. Plus, knowing that most men die on average several years before their wives, my objective was to leave my wife with a comfortable nest egg so she could be exceptionally comfortable should I die several years before her. That went out the door seven years ago with her announcement that she didn’t want sex with me anymore and her proclamation that she never liked sex anyway. Over the past seven years, when a new business opportunity would pop-up, which would mean more money, I would give it some thought, but when I considered that it would mean harder work for me and more stress on my part, for a wife who didn’t want to have sex and misled me all those years, I found myself always asking myself “why bother?”. I purposefully passed up every business opportunity I had over the past seven years because of resentment toward her. My source of motivation was gone. My tip to any women reading this, is if you truly love your husband then try to keep the sex and love-making interesting and the intimacy front and center for your relationship. Don’t withhold sex and intimacy from your husband because you’re just damaging your own life and future. When I believed my wife loved me more than anything and showed me proof of her love thru intimacy there was nothing that could stop me from being successful because my will was so strong. Not any longer. I no longer care. Ladies, if you withhold sex and intimacy then be careful because you may be the person who suffers the most in the long run.
I should add that I have nine close buddies. We have all been friends since middle school. We are all married. All but one of us is miserable because we are trapped in sexless or nearly sexless marriages void of any intimacy.
Five of us are devoted Christians and four aren’t. The things that seems to trap the men in unhappy marriages is: 1.) not wanting to hurt the children; and, 2.) not wanting to lose half of everything they worked for in a divorce battle. Several of the wives have used the children and legal battle cards on my buddies when they discussed possibly divorcing. Only two of our group would get married again if they knew then what they know now. The remaining eight said they would never get married to anyone if they had it to do all over again.