marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me
Your husband is not an “animal” for wanting to have sex.
He is not being unreasonably demanding.
And he is not a selfish pig.
He is a normal guy who has an appropriate expectation that his desire and need for sexual intimacy be met with the woman he married and loves.
That’s you.
Yes, I know that some marriages are in the midst of incredibly painful circumstances, wrought with betrayal, horrendous miscommunication and deep unresolved woundedness. The lack of sex is not an insurmountable matter, but I get that it is complicated.
I also know there are many marriages that don’t fit that bill. Many.
For the most part, they are relationships that move along just fine, with the exception of this discord in sexual intimacy.
Voila.
Sex-starved husband.
Enter stage right.
If you have been regularly denying your husband (and yourself) sex — if this is the “norm” in your marriage — then I humbly encourage you to stop lying to yourself.
Stop telling yourself “it is no big deal” that you and your husband rarely or never have sex.
It is a big deal.
Now, I could tell you to “just have more sex.”
But that advice would be drenched in short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes.
Ridiculous.
If ever there was a place for short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes, I guarantee it is not marriage. When have quick fixes or token efforts ever led to any kind of authentic and long-lasting depth in a marriage? Don’t answer that. We all know the answer.
What I would compassionately tell you is to figure out why you have allowed and/or purposely chosen that sex become non-existent in your bed.
Here are some possibilities (and some solutions):
Are you punishing him for a past hurt that the two of you haven’t worked through?
Do the courageous thing. Bring the issue out in the light and commit to reaching a place of forgiveness, healing and strengthened resolve to treat one another better.
If you need help from a counselor, get it.
I don’t know your situation and I certainly would never minimize how badly he hurt you, but give yourself permission to stand back and take an objective look.
Is it worth it — is it really worth it — to withhold sex from him as a way to punish him? My guess is the feeling of victory is not quite as prevalent as the quicksand of bitterness.
Have you not sought healing for past sexual pain, such as sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, rape, abortion, so forth?
If you were violated sexually in the past — or if your own sexual promiscuity has left you wrestling in isolation with shame and pain — then I implore you to seek help.
For the sake of yourself and for your marriage, please do not deny yourself the healing you need. That healing will help you embrace a right and good and holy perspective on sex with the man you married.
Are you not experiencing pleasure?
Learn about your body and educate your husband. Talk during foreplay and sex to specifically tell him what feels good.
Relax.
Spend more time making love.
Allow yourself to embrace sexual pleasure, which was designed by God. I know this is obvious, but God designed your entire body, including your clitoris. Yes! The clitoris was God’s idea. Kudos to Him on that one. Seriously, that little part of your anatomy serves no other purpose but intense sexual pleasure.
Like I always say, orgasm isn’t everything. But it is a very strong something.
Are you still believing lies that sex is dirty, wrong, gross, only for procreation?
Enough already, okay. Enough.
God designed sex to endear a husband and wife to each other, to protect them from temptation, and to give them a glimpse of His intense love. (Sure, He designed it to make babies too, but the vast majority of sex in marriage isn’t for procreation).
Whatever you’ve been told (maybe even by Christians) that paints marital sex in a bad or “obligatory-only” light is a bold-faced slam against the Word of God. Stop trivializing the truth of what God says about sex. Think I’m looney for saying any of this? Seek His Word and then let’s have a friendly heart-to-heart chat.
God is such a sexy God. I’m just saying.
Do your own struggles with body image inhibit you to the point that you have convinced yourself “there’s no way he would want to have sex with me”?
How I wish that this body image issue didn’t wreak such havoc on marriage beds.
This might be a shocker to you, but the standards doled out in media and entertainment on what constitutes “beautiful” and “sexy” are completely inaccurate. (Creating counterfeit images is kind of their gig. It’s called “make believe” for a reason. We are “made” to “believe” something that isn’t quite what they portray it to be).
If you want to get physically healthier, by all means, please do.
But if you are holding your marriage hostage until you lose the baby fat or get back to your age-20 body, pa-leaseeee — stop it. Express to your husband your struggles and ask him to be more affirming. Then do your part by growing in your sexual confidence and enjoying sex with the man you married.
(By the way, if you want to read a couple of fabulous posts on body image, I particularly like this recent one by Lori Byerly, as well as this one by Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous.)
Is his hygiene (or lack thereof) offensive to you?
I know this can be a sensitive issue, but if your husband paying closer attention to his hygiene would help improve your sexual intimacy, then by all means, you have to tell him. Speak with a tone of love, but speak it.
And for you husbands reading this, trust me — most women like a guy who smells clean. Better yet, a guy who is clean. Shower before you head to bed. (Wives, why not suggest you and your husband shower together before sex? Just an idea. Hmmm. Wonder how I came up with that one?!)
I could go on and on, but my point is that a long-term solution is not simply “going through the motions” when it comes to sex (or, sadly, not going through any motions).
Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?
Some say they wish they weren’t Christians so that it would be easier to “just leave.”
Some say they feel rejected to the point that they think their wives don’t even love them.
Some say they are tempted to look at porn, but they resist. It is extremely difficult though.
Some say they do look at porn, but would rather be having sex with their wives.
Some say they completely understand the appeal of having an affair.
Some say they stay in the marriage because of the kids.
Some say they are angry at their wives for being so careless with their marriage vows.
Some say they feel worse after receiving “obligation” sex.
Do you want to know what all of them say?
All of them say they hunger for sex that is characterized by deep love and oneness with the woman they married.
Call me crazy, but I just don’t think a selfish pig would say something like that.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I came across this article after another one of the many frustrating nights for me. My wife and I have only been married for a year and 10 months and I can count with my fingers how many times we’ve had sex. Frankly, I have lost interest right now and have resorted to reading a lot and watching soccer during my reading breaks. I have tried to raise the issue with her and her response is that she doesn’t feel like it but if I want she can just open her legs and when I’m done I tell her so that she can clean herself and sleep
@Charles… I’m saddened to hear about your experience. I know it’s a long shot, but would your wife be open to counseling? If not, I suggest you go on your own… not only to get good insights/wisdom from a Christian counselor, but also to demonstrate to your wife the seriousness of this situation.
@Desperation… if you haven’t had an orgasm, that could explain why sex feels like a chore. There are some great Christian sex books that may help the two of you better understand your bodies and pleasure… and that God designed sex for a variety of reasons (obvious one of course is procreation, but I think even more important is the potential to bond a husband and wife in such a sacred way). Pleasure was God’s idea, and if you and your husband both become committed to having sex be a phenomenal part of your marriage, I have no doubt that things will improve. It will take effort and intention and a willingness to seek out Christian resources that address sexual intimacy, but don’t give up! Things can get better…
It is so nice that julie tries to help people, but at some point, you have to realize that some women just don’t care about sex and never will. My wife has told me that she will never have sex again and that I just have to get used to it. It has been almost 3 yrs now and frankly she is so inhibited and selfish that it would not be worth the effort. We have been married 25 yrs and I am too old to start over. The few times I have tried to talk about it, she flies into a rage and insults my penis. So good luck to everyone, but after a few years, if your spouse is still abusive get out. Sorry to be a downer but there is only so much a man can stand.
After 39 years of marriage minus the years of counseling, discussing it together and finally being told she doesn’t like sex of any kind a couple years ago, really dropped my ego.
I have prayed about it every night for a long time. She has been out of town and out of the state for over a year now. Her sister had cancer (recently passed away) and our daughter of 30 still not able to manage money to the point of stealing from my Mom ( she is in a nursing home ) took checks and forged my name P.O.A. to where if I follow through with charges she is looking at a felony for 5 years. This is getting to be a long comment.
My Mom has been in a nursing home for a little less an a year. The wife will not go there because of the bad experience with her parents in a nursing home.
Last year toward the end of august I met a very nice lady 3 years younger than myself. It was if I dare say love at first sight. Never had this happen before. She had the same problem with her husband of about 8 years. I couldn’t believe that we had so much in common.
It has progressed to the point now that we are going to talk to attorneys about divorces. Tears me apart but I have never been happier in my life and it is the same with her. I have had friends tell me for a long time that “you never did seem to be very happy” I hate that it has come to this but I want to be happy for the rest of my life. We get along together ok but it has only been a friendship and co-habitating together. I hope you don’t fall asleep reading this. I came across your column a few months back and even emailed the URL to her while she was out of town. 5 things you must know….. I just want to be happy and so does my lady friend.
OK, I went through the list and I can honestly say that
NO I am not punishing my husband.
NO sex abuse, The pleasure is so-so. I have an orgasm 75% of the time, but that is the only pleasureable part. Everything else is annoying.
I don’t believe sex is dirty or only for procreation.
My body image is fine — BUT, for the last 10 years my husband has been on my case to exercise more and get into better shape (I’m a size 6)
so that tells me that my body is not acceptable to him.
I liked sex OK when we were first married. I wasn’t crazy about it, but i was fine with it. Over 20 years of marriage, my sex drive just slowly declined. I’ve heard over and over again how important sex is to a man and how important it is to a marriage. so I carried on and whenever he wanted sex, we had sex, without complaining. I did my best to keep a good attitude.
Then just lately, he said, “I don’t think you enjoy sex anymore. I can just tell you aren’t as excited about it as you once were. I want you to be excited about sex.”
Sorry. I can make myself have sex without complaining, pasting on a smile and doing it for the sake of the marriage, but I cannot FORCE MYSELF to BE EXCITED about it. Talk about an unrealistic request.
that right there squashed the little bit of sex drive i had left.
My best effort was deemed not good enough.
From my perspective, any kind of sexual pressure is going to KILL her sex drive. oh yeah, we still have sex. But it has become a dreaded duty for me. Sometimes I have to turn over and cry as silently as possible afterwards. I hate this.
I wish I could be loved just for who I am and not have to have sex dragged into the equation.
I belive that a perfect marriage is made up of mostly love with a little bit of lust.
But for me, sex has nothing at all to do with love. Sex is lust only.
Just how I am wired I guess. I hope I die at a young age so I don’t have to continue on like this. Just give my kids 5 more years to get all moved out and then I would like to lay down and have a heart attack in my sleep. I have LOTS of questions for God.
the list of things men say? I say ALL of them. including the two views of porn. pro and anti. women hide sex behind hoops and hurdles. “I need u to be more intimate ”
“talk kind to me more” . smile more.
HELLO?! I’M NOT GETTING SEX… YOU KNOW WHO GETS ALL THAT ?! THE OTHER WOMAN! AND I DON’T HAVE ONE..SO….
also, u can’t describe red to a blind man. so too terms like FEELING NEEDED” or “ATTENTIVE ”
Because what one person calls attention, such as going shopping for cloths with her, another woman will call, general behavior, and wants more attn
so I could say..be attractive. yet u could be more attractive to many…BUT ME. so I withold sex till u are…TO ME!!??
AND WHY ARE WE HAVING CONVERSATIONS ABOUT NOT SHOWING LOVE AND WITHHOLDING SEX?!
ISN’T SEX A GREAT SHOW OF. LOVE?
if its not, then ima go get a hooker stripper. that’s bad right? thats a lack of love right?
god will alliw divorce on adultery right?
not, for having too much stress at work or bills.
so shut up and do as expected.
marriage IS sex.
women dont get mad if im found grocery shopping with another woman. in fact , only reason she would be mad is SUSPECTED SEX between me and her.
personally, I feel holdingsex due to stress is stupid. so I have to wait till money grows beyond bills?! or after a big vacation?
women assume their crap dont stink. men could have a mess of reasons to withold sex. and they have to do with SEX. like being a log. dressing like whatever, expecting us to do u but u dont do us. being too passive.
fumny though, when that SAME WOMAN COMMITS ADULTRY? SHE BECOME FREAK OF THE WEEK!
AND ITS NOT CUZ HES ALL ATTENTIVE…WOMEN SHOW INTEREST FIRST..HE SAW SEX OPPORTUNITY…NOTHIN MORE.
OFFER HIM AS LITTLE SEX AS U DO ME AND SEE HOW LONG HE STAYS MR DAPPER
Please pray for me I have looked at porn and would much rather b with my wife but she says that’s a lie and I can have my porn but not her. I must mention that she does have alot of resentment towards some of my past but even when I correct it or try it was the going through the motions sex most of the time and afterwards I did feel awful like I had forced her and now that there is no sex I am considering divorce because I want her happy and my four young children. I love her so much and desire no one else and never have but she doesn’t believe that and I swoar an oath to god that during sex with her or if I am alone since the day I met her have never fantasies or thought of anyone else only her and she doesn’t understand that she hurts me so bad by denying me to use a toy and tell me that I dont care about her and she must not turn me on that I wish she could look into my heart and c how much I love her and want her I always have I am so scared that she will seek comfort from someone else that I am afraid to say much of anything I have never cheated or even considered it and never will I only hope are marriage can survive this please pray for us and me I am not walking close to Jesus like I should and This is partly y because I stay so angry and frustrated that I feel like a hypocrite I am just confused and just want her to see that it isn’t about the lack of the physical act of sex as much as the lack of passion and her being so distant and cold to me much would improve if that were to change. If it doesn’t I don’t know what will happen so please pray for me
@Confused… Thank you for commenting and sharing so vulnerably. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
You say you love your wife deeply. I encourage you to write her a letter, expressing that you want the two of you to grow intimacy and that it’s not just about sex. Share that the reason you wrote a letter is because you want her to understand the depth of your pain and you thought a letter would give her time to think about what you’ve shared and then hopefully lead to a humble conversation between the two of you.
Suggest Christian marriage counseling. If she won’t go, then go on your own. Not only does this give you the insights of a third party, it also demonstrates to your wife that you are committed to doing whatever it takes to strengthen the marriage.
Find at least 2 or 3 other mature Christian men who will pray with you and for your marriage. You need emotional and spiritual support in this difficult time of your marriage. Mature brothers in Christ will give you wise insights and will not bash your wife, but will genuinely pray with you.
I know none of these suggestions is easy. But obviously continuing as you are is not easy either. In other words, try something… even some very hard things…and see if those things not only draw you closer to the Lord, but also help wake your wife up to the possibilities for a stronger marriage.
I think i have had enough and i cant continue with this relationship.its stressing me alot..and we have talked about this issue so many times.but it seems to her its no big deal.i just want peace.
I have searched all the blogs for this, read all the comments, and it seems the men are having trouble because they are rarely having sex. Sometimes I feel what will ever be enough? Sex is a huge issue in our household, though I am thankful that my husband has never turned to porn. My husband is constantly pressuring me and talking about it all the time. It gets to the point where I change in the bathroom because he comes running in the room if he knows I am changing. The problem is we don’t “rarely” have sex. We usually do at least once a day and then that night he is asking again. I have 4 children, I’m tired. Is this my attitude that needs to change or is he just asking to o much of me? What is normal?
@Nettie…. If you and your husband are having sex once a day and this still isn’t enough for him, then I think he is being unrealistic. I don’t think you need to change your attitude necessarily. I think you and your husband need to try to reach a compromise about frequency where he lets up a little on expecting as much sex as he is demanding.
Is it possible to have a conversation about it (outside of a sexual context… like not in your bed or right as he is requesting sex, etc)? Possibly write him a letter, expressing that while sexual intimacy is important to you too and to the marriage, you feel discouraged and hurt that he is not more sympathetic to your tiredness.
Would he be willing for the two of you to talk to a counselor about it? Maybe if he heard a third party tell him that he needs to be more realistic, he’ll see that it isn’t just you being resistant.
My sexless marriage was, well… complicated.
You see, my story starts off with a Heaven/Hell divide that would drive anyone off the deep end. I was raised in a pretty healthy, Christian and conservative home with with a loving family, yet even in the loving home my parents made to shelter and nurture me, evil broke in.
We went to church all the time, my Mom was in the choir and my Dad ran the PA. It was, for the most part, a good place to be; however, each week during my Mother’s choir practice, I was left alone to play with an older boy whose mother was also in the choir. This boy systematically and consistently sexually abused me for years – I later found out he was following the example of his father.
The trauma from this abuse broke something deep inside of me I still have not fully been able to get back and don’t know if I ever will in this lifetime. It created a whole filter of reaction to the world that was skewed and lead to irrational, dangerous and evil desires and behaviors; desires and behaviors I am coming to accept as coexistent, yet foreign and enemy.
Fast forward to falling in love with my high school sweetheart, suppressing all those teenage hormones and sexual baggage four years until marriage and then learning with my wife that I was a sex addict and she was quite the opposite. A recipe for a wonderful and satisfying fairy tale right?
I struggled for years and years, acting out sexually both out of lack of sexual anything with my wife and a paralyzed inability to control myself from my “trauma-rewiring.” I sought counseling for years at a time, attended a Sex Addicts Anonymous group, took medications for depression and other issues – the whole nine yards.
Finally, I’ve gotten to the point where I can live my life within a realm of tolerance from normalcy. It’s sort of like that movie, “A Beautiful Mind,” with Russell Crowe, where he hallucinates things, even after he denies their reality? That’s what my life is like – those evil, perverted desires still live, but I’m more able to “deny their reality.”
So, I still haven’t addressed this problem of my sexless marriage. This last few months have been Hell. I have never experienced such pure feelings of pain and desperation about our sex ‘life’ or maybe ‘coma’ is a better word. But, I have also never been as honest with myself, God, and my wife about it.
I started to see the situation outside of my normal thought processing – my guilt about my sexual “sin,” my resentment toward God and my wife for “putting me though this Hell.” I started to just accept my feelings that reflected my own vulnerability and weakness and I started to confess those to myself and then to God and my wife.
I started to brave the fear of pain, rejection and judgement and just expose the pain in true humility and with no preoccupation of fault or blame. I let go of the ten years of sexless marriage and the “why did this abuse happen to me” and the “why will I have to deal with this pain” and just accept where I was and fully experience that place, that emotion.
Then I started to pray, despite the old feelings of resentment toward God. I started to be who I was, bare before God. If he was really God and he was real, then I figured he could take my anger and pain, even if I hated him when I exposed it. I kept doing this. I just sort of went off the deep end and became that helpless kid in the pews at church again.
Now, something has started to happen, like God is maybe trying to put humpty-dumpty back together again. My wife has started to awaken sexually and she’s becoming the wife I need. She’s reading a book about a man with sexual addiction like mine and how he journeys from a that place to finding real love and intimacy with a woman. She told me, “I never knew how much you wanted me – how much you need me.” That was so good to hear.
She has become, dare I say, almost ravenous in her sexual expression. Perhaps it is just a combination of natural phenomena, like her hitting her 30’s and reading this book and me being fed up to the point of finally being real. I don’t know, but I have to wonder if God isn’t honoring that realness, that place of “vulnerable communication” like you all have been saying.
I tell this story, because my situation seemed completely hopeless, but yet light is spitefully shining in. I have no delusions of smooth road, but maybe there’s a bridge waiting in that Heaven/Hell divide to catch you when you realize you really can’t make the jump alone. You might find your spouse waiting there too.
I have been married for 7 years and it was a quick engagement. Dated for a year and a half before marriage. Sex was great and she wanted to save herself 30 days before wedding. Wasn’t a problem, but the honeymoon was. First it was her period which I understood, but it went away and I felt there were things we could have done besides sex. It hasnt been the same since. She complains that I’m not affectionate or I don’t kiss her or hug her or hold her in bed. I think this is a result of my anger for the lack of intimacy. If I would have known that things would be like this I wouldn’t have married her. I go into deep depression, and have been to strip clubs, and massage parlors as a result of what I’m not getting. I swore that once I got married I would be a good husband. I’m ready to divorce. It’s like trying to pry open an oyster. And she keeps saying things will change, but it hasn’t, and I take it out on our kids sometimes if it’s right after a refusal. I need to get out of that house/marriage for their sake. I’d rather be single and not getting any than married and not getting any. At least I’d know what I was gettin myself into. I get a lot of promises and they are rarely kept. She even promised that certain things I wanted to do in the bedroom prior to marriage would be done post. And I’m not talking anything major. I married a loser, similar to an athlete on steroids whose best years are behind her, prior to marriage, and I’m only 39, she’s 3 yrs younger.
@Junebug74… I’m so sorry for your experience in your marriage. Would your wife be open to marriage counseling? If she won’t go, I encourage you to go on your own, not only to get insights from an unbiased third party, but also to demonstrate to your wife that you are willing to do all you can to strengthen the marriage.
Also, I suggest you write your wife a letter, expressing the deep pain and rejection you have felt with the lack of intimacy (sexual and otherwise) in the marriage. Tone of the letter would be humble and loving, yet firm that you want things to change and would like the two of you to work on this together to build not just an “okay” marriage, but a strong healthy marriage.
I wish I could say your story is unique, but I hear much of the same from many other husbands as well. I do think marriage is complex and takes a tremendous amount of humility and effort on the part of each person…. when that happens, the results can be profound. When that doesn’t happen, one person is usually feeling incredibly regretful.
I I’d to be a strong Christian guy. After 21 years of enduring my marriage I think being a Christian man is somewhat of a set up. I am married to a woman who is a hard core Ile reading Chrisian who is both a perfectionist and a OCD freak. Since there is never the perfect time for sex it is hardly had . When it does happen Sex is always a weapon and even in the few times when it’s good it’s not really because she always takes our most intimate moments to tell me in what new area I do not measure up to her or God. Because of this I stopped approaching her altogether and began doing porn and masturbating. It is a thousand times more full filing than attempting a session with her. When she confronted me I felt bad for a while and went to a Christian counselor. He told me I was actually rather normal and that I needed to discover what was driving my wife’s OCD issues. When I suggested this she was defensive and was ready to remind me it was me who had the problem and who could not be trusted. Why does this not surprise me? In 21 years of marriage she has never been able to say I am sorry. Not once! This point I think the whole Christian faith is a way to get men to be women. It appears to be one huge OCD movement based on sanitizing everything that is normal about being a guy. Oxymorons ….airplane food….Christian sex. It’s all bout guilt, shae and control.
@David… I’m so sorry for your painful experience in your marriage. I can understand your frustration and anger. I’m sorry that your wife is not more willing to humble herself and address issues in order to have a healthier marriage.
The problem is not with Christian faith. There are some Christians, myself included, who have a very healthy outlook on sex and nurture it extensively within marriage. It’s not about guilt, shame and control. That was never what God intended.
Sadly, some people, Christians and non-believers, have distorted God’s design for sex. The fall-out we see prevails in pornography, illicit promiscuous sex, prostitution, sex-trade, etc. The fall-out we also see is in marriages where one or both people do not embrace God’s vision for sex, so rather than it being the bonding holy pleasurable experience God intended, it becomes a weapon or a painful place of disconnect.
Again, I am so sorry for what has been happening in your marriage.
Thank you Julie. Counseling has come up but we never go and I considered going after we never went, just for my own sanity and to see if I was being unreasonable. She didnt want to see a pastor because she thought he would be biased since my family has ties to him.. I think another issue is that we dont go to church anymore, and i’m usually taking the kids if i do go. We dont even pray together, which i pleaded with her about in the beginning. I would be in the house with her and walk in on her praying and she would say that the spirit moved her and she felt she needed to pray right then. I’ve never heard such nonsense. I could never pray with her in the house without inviting her in. That truly hurt me. Thank u, I will take that next step.
I understand your pain… but when my husband doesn’t shower for a week or change his feces stained underwear or brush his teeth, or shave only when he wants to get “lucky”, I’m supposed to be ok with that and want to jump his bones. How about being this person all the time, not just when he wants to be intimate.
@David partially.
I found this page by a mishap, but I’m glad I started reading. I have been a Christian most of my life. My wife and I are married only 5 years and I have been wanting to leave for 5.
The day after the honeymoon started(while on honeymoon overseas) she stopped having intimacy with me. From then on she began to change that week and when we arrived back in the Usa. Months later things changed and she became a Feminist pretty much. It was sad really that she changed that much.
I’m one of the guys who are sensitive. I enjoy bringing flowers, love letters, cards, take my two showers a day to make sure my wife doesn’t have any complaints. I exercise, was active in church, good father, don’t complain when I”m sick or tired, and always put my family first before myself. With that being said, it bleeds over to my intimacy..so I’m one to want my partner(wife) to be happy and to have everything she needs to be happy.
I understand what I need as a man, and my wife says she doesn’t need to give me sex but once in awhile when she’s in the mood. Maybe once every few months if I’m lucky. As a christian man..I try and stay focused not to stray, not to interact with other women, or do anything else like that would put me in a compromising situation.
I asked her many times, what I could do to make her happy..and she has many excuses, has reasons why I need to pray for her and for me to wait for her to change. I understand that intimacy is a huge part of marriage, but she sees it as something that isn’t necessary. I understand how David feels..and to say she’s only 28 and feels her best years are behind her.
Just as most men that have read this, I know my feelings come into play with being intimate with my wife. I need substance, as well as for her to have the same desires as myself. I have only found some people are very self centered and their world revolves around them. It is sad really when someone like myself tries to do everything right, but is shot down because “we’re married now…we don’t need sex to be one”.
So trying to get help, trying to wait patiently, hoping to not feel depressed or unwanted (even though many women flirt with me who I meet or who are her friends), and trying to find a middle ground where I can compromise for her needs…but nothing has helped. Prayer is my main stability, but honestly my flesh feels like it’s suffering. I feel like I need to go away and become a priest.
One thing I can honestly say is that when I met her, she wasn’t in church. After she came into church and tried to change her life, her thoughts of sex and intimacy changed to it was dirty. She felt that we shouldn’t be doing any of that. I guess if the church speaks ill of it, and doesn’t every speak good of it after marriage….then does that keep a everlasting affect?
I felt alone for a long time, and now I see that this is something others are battling with as well…which gives me a bit of hope that I’m not crazy…and doing something wrong ..somehow.
“There are some Christians, myself included, who have a very healthy outlook on sex and nurture it extensively within marriage.”
And dear Julie, I’ve found this site randomly, as I searched for answers to our sexless marriage. Perhaps you could provide more insight than “I’m sorry” and “seek counseling.” People are, amazingly, bearing their souls on this blog. Do you have credibility and training to be running it?
Honestly, no offense intended, but there are real problems out there.
@E … thank you for commenting. I’m sorry to hear about your sexless marriage.. I genuinely am, as I hear from many people who are in similar circumstances and are very frustrated.
As for my “credibility” and “training” to be “running” this blog… based on such a comment, I’m not sure if you are aware of what a blog is.
A blog by its very nature is one person sharing insights, etc., usually on a particular topic. I am not a trained counselor, but I think you’ll find that the vast majority of marriage blogs are not written by counselors. They are written by everyday people trying to encourage other people.
The other nature of blogs is that people comment and dialogue is generated. Sometimes commenters agree with others (and me), and sometimes they do not. That is the beauty of a blog… lots of discussion about a topic, etc.
I never present the information on my blog as professional advice. In fact, I do often encourage people to seek professional assistance, whether that be from a marriage counselor or health care professional, because you are indeed correct… there are real problems out there.
Anyway, I guess I’m a little confused as to what your concern is about my blog. But I am glad you stopped by. If anything you find on the site is helpful, I’m grateful for that. If not, you may want to visit other blogs or resources that more adequately speak to your situation.
Thanks again! Have a blessed day!
From 1992 till Jan 2010 I was with my wife. 46 times we had sex. Do the guys.. emotionally abused and beat down for trying to make love to her.. 3 1/2 yrs since she walked out of home for another man, I still have not had sex.. I am afraid to try because her words still play in my head.. such as. Hurry up.. are u in yet?? You have 2 minutes I have plans…
Yes they sound cute .. ha ha.. I wasn’t allowed to see her naked.. never showered together… The day she left she handed me a memory card and said I dropped it.. she drove away and there I was .. in shock …. 18 months later I finally viewed the memory card.. well only few seconds of it. 32 gig mem card of her sex with other men… Many hours ..
So by now your proly thinking .. was I an asshole, mean, am I fat ugly??? Five ten 200 lbs construction worker my whole life.. and super sweet. I treated her like a princess. I’ve learned through therapy that she is a Borderline. That’s helpful as to rid anger towards her but the scars and fear will never cease.. 42 yrs of age with 90 mins of sexual experience.. so next time some of u men complain about sex think of my story.. oh and now u can laugh about that poor bastard with work associates and other colleagues.. why not ex still laughs when she sees me..
I am going through the same pain of being denied sex. I tried to talk but all that I say falls onto deaf ears. I only get it when she is pleased to give it to me. I is unfortunate that I cheated, watched porn and even masterbate but all these did not give me the pleasure or happiness that I think I would be getting from my beautiful wife. What else must I do to win her back?
Ok, this is not going to be popular and you might as well get your knee pads on to pray for me, but here goes, cause whether they comment or not, I know there are women who agree and are frustrated with the whole notion.. Yes, I have been raised to never say no and for my 13 years of marriages have not. But, here’s the truth of it all, I’m tired of always having to make my body available no matter what. It’s like the man gets a free pass to do whatever they want to (upset you, not help out, ignore you), and all of a sudden, because THEY are in the mood, I’m just supposed to block all of that out and be the energizer bunny. They whine they dont want “duty” sex, and they feel unloved, well buddy, how does she feel. Knowing that a woman’s sex drive is tied to her emotions, is it realistic to think she should just bottle all of that up and “perform”. and statistics show the vast majority of women don’t orgasm during sex so all of that energy for what. Maybe I’m having a problem with faith right now but this interpretation just makes me feel like I’m secondary in God’s plan. That everything is all about him, cause believe me, as long as I have been faithful with the whole not saying no thing, it still feels like a free pass to allow him to be selfish. Seems so unfair to the women!! Now, feel free to pray.
Honestly I found this site quite by accident. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We used to have sex every other day. I wait up for him to get home at night as he works 2nd shift. Then he’s too tired to mess around. He doesn’t want to get up early to have sex before I go to work. He’s more interested in getting a blow job now over having intercourse. He doesn’t peak at me in the shower or watch me change clothes anymore. We are 30 so there are no health issues. He doesn’t want me to kiss his neck anymore which used to drive him wild. When we do have sex there is no more foreplay. He hasn’t tried to please me in weeks. Last month we only had sex once! I feel like I’m just a hole. I’m a Christian woman and I believe porn is wrong. But I’ve found myself watching it the last few weeks just to get off. I never thought I would feel so unwanted sexually.I’m supportive of him and compliment him all the time. I don’t nag or belittle him. I’m attractive and other guys often tell me they wish I was single so why doesn’t my husband want me?
@angie… thank you for sharing so vulnerably. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I’m not saying he isn’t accountable for his carelessness with the relationship, but I wonder if he understands the depth of your pain. I also wonder if there are issues going on with him that he doesn’t know how to bring up.
If you haven’t talked to him, then I would start with that… lovingly, but firmly, telling him your concerns and that you are committed to the two of you working on this together.
I also would consider marriage counseling. Sometimes having a third party offer insight can really move a couple past communication roadblocks and on to a path of healthier patterns in their relationship.
I can understand why you are tempted to look at porn, but I encourage you to stop doing this. It is inviting a third party into your intimacy, which is sinful, lustful and not helpful. If you are struggling with repenting and stopping your viewing of it, I recommend a ministry that is specifically for women struggling with issues such as porn, promiscuity, etc. Their website: http://dirtygirlsministries.com (I know the name is a little misleading, but their help and resources are spot on).
Do you have 1-2 other mature Christian women who could pray with you and for your marriage? These would be women who would keep information in confidence, not bash your husband, would seek God’s Word with you with regard to your marriage, etc. You need safe sounding boards.
I hope some of this is helpful. I’m sad with you about the struggles, but hopeful too. Many marriages have been where yours are, and have moved beyond negative patterns to healthier ones all the way around.
Thanks again for reaching out…
You are great .your words are true. Plz advoice wives dont break heart to her husbands.Do more and more sex with ur husbands and make ur life happy.God Bless
I was almost moved to tears reading this. I have felt so alone for so long, to know that there are other men who suffer through a sexless marriage… Even if I’m not intimate with my wife, at least I’m not alone in this mess.
My wife and I used to have a great sex life- now it’s total crap. Has been bad longer than it was good. But we have kids (and even though she hurts me constantly) I wouldn’t dream of leaving. But I have thought so many of those thoughts from your list..
I forwarded her a link to this, I hope it reaches her (but it probably won’t).
This is a second marriage for the both of us. She is divorced after 20 years of being married to a selfish alcoholic brute who to this day thinks he had nothing to do with the divorce. I was married for 14 years to my first wife and she was sick for the last 12 until her passing a few years ago. My wife now and I met on a Christian website and started dating. Our families combined. We have 3 grandchdren one of which lives with us. Neither of our sex drives were ever that high. We both have medical issues that impact us. However my drive is still there and hers is pretty much gone. She will indulge me on occasion but she shows no interest and no connections during or afterwards. She takes meds for a liver condition (minor) and meds for depression which she blames for killing her desire. Lately she is tired all the time and shows no affection. Towards me. She holds the baby and is a great mother and grandmother . I’ve commented how she lights up the room when she smiles and when she is happy with the baby. But with me she’s sullen and short. I ask her what’s wrong and she says she’s fine she’s tired. I walk on eggshells around because I don’t want to be a burden to her. The older girls can be real drama queens sometimes and she doesn’t like where we live , but this is where work is and elderly parents. Not sure how to approach her.
My husband accuses me of cheating on him everyday; it is 150% not true. He calls me a whore among other things. I have told him if he can’t get passed his jealousness and craziness and that he can’t trust me then there is zero reasons for us to be together. I know in the past I have told him of men who have hit on me and he keeps bringing it up. I thought being truthful was key but it has brought so much miss trust that I can’t keep going through this.
I gave him an ultimatum to the point that if he doesn’t seek help then I’m moving out with my daughter. He said he would get help and stop that was 3 months ago. He asked me to meet his sexual needs and I said that it is extremely hard to do that when he is calling me names and being verbally abusive.
I tried like crazy to be there for him, we were having intercourse like 3 to 4 times a week and he still complained that it wasn’t enough. He is still not meeting my needs and I have no idea what to do? His latest is he demands me to give him a kiss when he gets home, one day last week I went to kiss him and he said to me that I’m a liar and a cheat and I don’t love him.
What am I suppose to do. I have tried everything?
@Beth… I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I am not a counselor or doctor, but I can share insights as a wife.
From what you have shared, it sounds like your husband is indeed being verbally abusive. If you are involved in a church, I would seek the pastor or elders of the church, as well as 1-2 mature Christian women, who will guide you and support you on how to confront your husband’s sin (and/or if they will do this as well, in line with scripture).
You may also at the same time seek the wisdom of a trained Christian counselor. Humbly ask your husband again to go with you, and if he doesn’t go with you, go on your own to not only get insights, but also to demonstrate to your husband that you will do all you can to build a healthy marriage.
From what you have shared, your husband is being careless with his marriage vows. You may want to write him a letter that clearly shares how his actions make you feel, and that while you want the marriage to work and be good, you can’t simply look past the pain he is causing.
Ultimately you are the only one who can make a decision as to what to do, but I can’t imagine anyone would fault you for at least considering a legal separation as a first step if your husband continues to refuse to repent and change his ways.
Why is it that the only “success” stories I’ve read from husbands who were constantly and chronically denied sex were those where the husband broke off the relationship?
Seriously, if communication, prayer and counseling work, then why are there practically NO success stories? I have yet to read one, where the husband and wife are still married and have returned to a healthily sexual relationship with one another.
It seems to me that staying in a relationship where you are denied sex is a choice to live in deprivation, because that is the Christian thing to do.
Let’s be honest shall we. She is not going to change. Not tomorrow, not next week, not ever. This is the “new normal.”
Now that I have finally woken up to this universal truth, my future looks very different and so do my options. It pains me to write this. But hope is not a strategy.
This was informative, but what if I’m just not interested in sex with my husband?
@Camila valdez… why did you get married? Sex is part of marriage, so if you are not interested in sex with your husband, my encouragement is that you figure out why and then commit to working toward a more nurtured intimacy with your husband.
What I didn’t like about this article, is that you focused on it from a male problem! I am a women and not having sex with my husband! It’s not just a women being selfish issue! I’m not the only one dealing with this. No my husband isn’t gay or cheating!
@juke00nt… uhhh, this is one post out of many I have written. You sound a bit harsh toward me, but I understand that you are probably in a place of frustration and discouragement.
You are right that there are some women whose husbands are not interested in sex, and that is equally devastating. I do have a link on my site that has several blog posts that address this…
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
Hi, my relationship is falling apart and I’m desperate to get it back on track. My partner and I have a young daughter together and I have two other children from a previous relationship that live with us. Everything was great until I fell pregnant. I was quite ill during the pregnancy, the birth nearly killed me and our daughter and then for the first 6 months I had severe post natal depression and struggled to bond. He was fantastic through everything. We’ve had some difficulties and he’s been supportive and really great. He does everything I could want and more. Obviously whilst pregnant and ill, sex was virtually non existent, after the birth again virtually nothing. All because I had no desire at all, and he was great and understanding. A year and a half later, I’ve still no interest in sex and to be honest, the slightest touch from me, sets things stirring so I try to avoid any contact at all so I don’t ‘lead’ him on.
For the last 6 months or so things have been awful. He will be fine for about 2/3 weeks. Then he’ll get a bit snappy, saying he’s tired for a few days. Then he will blow up for no real reason. Last month it was because I’d cleaned all the holey socks out of his drawer. This month he flared up because I asked him why the kids having two biscuits when they came home from school was a problem? Each time it happens it gets worse. He says all the things he knows will hurt me, throws it back at me I wanted nothing to do with my own child, and other personal attacks. When I ask him why he’s being like it he says because I know it will hurt you and that he’s sick of my nagging and undermining him (ie asking wats the problem with kids having biscuits). He’s even threatened to take my daughter away, purely because he can. After a couple of days of constant snide comments or no talking at all, or a night away at his sisters, he apologises, says he meant none of it, and he promises it won’t happen again and everything’s fine for another 3 weeks, until the next flare up. It’s almost like he has bad PMT!!
What I’m wondering is, after reading all these comments do you think it could be the no sex? He’s lucky if he gets it once every couple months. I’ve been to doctors about it and been told it’s normal after everything I went through and my desire will come back ONE day and he keeps saying he understands and it isn’t a problem.
I don’t want to make excuses for him if he’s just being an a**hole but in the same hand I don’t want to throw away what until recently was the best relationship I could ever have.
Ok essay over, and hopefully have some useful advice thrown back
Rachel – here’s my advice. Try an experiment. Since the last 6 months has been awful, do this for the next 6 months. Make love twice a week. Be into it. Make sex a priority. Flirt with him and follow up. Seduce him. Remember why you fell in love with him, and how it was before all this happened. Try something new. Be enthusiastic. BE GENEROUS.
Don’t “feel” like it? Tough. there are lots of things people don’t “feel” like doing, but they still do them, and they work at it, and do well. Try looking at other website like this one. Click on Julies
marriage resources link, and you can’t go wrong.
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/
If at the end of 6 months, if things aren’t better, and he’s still acting the same way – then its HIS problem. He needs to get himself straightened out.
But if things are better, then guess what? It was YOUR problem.You’ve denied him for so long, a bad problem has taken root.
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I’ve lived in a marriage for 22 years with a lovely woman. She was abused as a child and despite counselling from the church we went through periods of 3 to 4 months without sex.
We have had kids so its not all doom a gloom but when the desire for children went so did her sex drive. Now its got to the point of her saying ‘you only want me for sex!) She has a form of OCD washing herself when she has been touched.
Yes, I want to run away but I would loose 2 wonderful children that were a gift from God to me. It hurts, I feel rejected, emotionally manipulated and in some respects trodden on by her. I’m only good enough to earn a wage and pay the bills and any for of touching is of a sexual nature.
She says she loves me. Thats about all the hope I have on a day to day basis.
Yes, its hard to stay away from porn to get personal relief. I miss the intimacy, the feeling of touching and being close to her. Its driving me nuts and a wedge between us that pulls us apart from God. I pray about it and its my hearts desire with God and I’ve been asking for it for 15 years now.
Here’s what sex starved husbands never say……
My wife won’t have sex with me because I sexually abuse her both physically and emotionally.
They always seem to leave out that part. Or the part where her pain IS his pleasure.
@Ellie… I’m so sorry for the pain and abuse in your marriage. Not all sex-starved husbands are abusive. If your husband is abusive, I pray you will find at least one safe Christian female friend who will help you get away from this abuse.
If your husband is abusive, he has in my opinion left the marriage. You need the safe support of mature people around you who will help you.
Do you have people like this in your life? In your church?
My heart aches for situations like yours.
I write from the perspective of one who is in the midst of healing a sexless marriage. I had a wake up call last Spring when I read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Laura Schlessinger. I only wish I had understood sooner how much I was hurting my husband of 33 years.
I began doing all the things mentioned in the book and my husband began feeling loved, respected, accepted…you get the picture. Men really do experience affection, acceptance and approval this way. Wives have the power to nurture their husbands’ confidence and wellbeing.
Along, the way though, I began to wonder why I was not feeling loved and respected. I have battled an eating disorder for many years and acknowledged that it was likely a coping mechanism for deep hurt that needed to be addressed. I stopped the binge eating last October and as you might imagine, the raw feelings and brutal realities began surfacing. I am seeing a therapist and working through these issues. It is painful, frightening and exhausting work.
A few weeks ago, I read “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn and was horrified to learn about the visual rolodex men have in their brains. I knew that my husband was sexually aroused by the sight of beautiful women, but I did not know there was a file of these images stored in his brain.
I now struggle with believing that it is me he wants to have sex with and that I am not just a receptacle for him while he imagines being with someone more attractive. I know when my husband is in the mood–he fondles my breast and rubs against me–but I have no reason to believe this has anything to do with him finding me desirable or attractive.
He has verbalized his appreciation for the beauty of other women throughout our marriage and I have received this as “you aren’t enough for me.” A few days ago I asked him if there had ever been a time when he found me beautiful. He said, “on our wedding day.” I never knew that before now. 33 years of marriage and I had to ask before I knew my husband found me beautiful on our wedding day.
I hope the women reading these posts will understand their husbands’ needs and the power they have to make them feel loved. I also hope men will understand how much their wives need to hear words of affirmation about their attractiveness. We need to know our husbands want us.
Hi I have never written into one of these and this will be my first…i have recently married my husband may 25, 2013 and our sex lives were wonderful however he really did control when we had sex and he still does but when we were just married we had sex about once a week witch im fine with that however at first we were married it was still once a week on the weekend only i wish i could underline the ONLY. then it started to be once every two weeks only on the weekends IN the MORNING ONLY. then it was once a month on one of the weekends ONLY and now it is once every two months. we are young we are not an old couple I have talked to a good friend and she says she is worried…and to make matters worse we had sex last night witch was out of the ordinary but in the middle of it i wanted to stop and it was like i didnt feel anything…. i love my husband but what does these mean? i can’t give up this early in our marriage and i dont know what to do i have tried to talk to him and he says yes i promise i will try harder to have sex more often but it is baloney he doesn’t at all….. i just dont know what to do….I feel like when we do have sex it is just to make me happy and that makes it even worse.
@Lauren… I don’t have easy answers for you. Without knowing your husband, I can’t really speculate on why he doesn’t want to have sex more. I encourage you, though, to not give up on your marriage. You haven’t been married for very long, and it could be that you both are still adjusting and growing in what it means to be married.
Also, can the two of you foster a deeper friendship with each other? Sometimes, when a couple strengthens their friendship (including doing activities together, going on dates, talking, going to church together, etc.), that can strengthen the relationship and the intimacy as well.
As for not feeling anything when you made love, I encourage you to recognize that marriage is a journey and it can’t be built just on how we feel. Seek God’s Word and prayer to really understand what it means to build an authentically strong marriage. It is more often than not a good mix of choice and feeling, as well as recognizing what the covenant of marriage means.
I hope some of this helpful. I’m sorry for the discouragement you are going through.
I have searched for answers too to all of the questions posed here. I feel every single situation presented in these responses is probably so much more complicated than can be presented or answered in a few paragraphs. In fact it seems ridiculous to assume that “healthy sex” involves a certain number of times per ….. week, month, or year is normal.
Commercials that show that medication must be taken for a dry vagina or for inability to hold an erection are absurd. Just listen to the possible side effect of a four hour erection!!! It is normal to grow old and be unable to perform in the bedroom. Perfectly normal.
My problem has been that After several years of enjoyable sex, I got cancer, went through an early menopause as a result, and ut became painful. My husband who is 15 years older, beginning to become crippled, has OCD tendencies, and is unable to hold an erection, became less and less desirable as well. I cannot and will not have obligatory, unsatisfactory sex, with him insisting it be only the position that works for him and me in pain, not to mention there were times he’d just lie there and finish himself! The whole issue seems ridiculous. Our first 6 or so years sex was fine, both a second marriage, but when illness and age set in, sorry I love and appreciate him, but am only human. He’s practically imposssible to please physically and emotionally.
I’ll just mention one of the OCD traits I live with along with my daughter, son and father: he reviews what we put in the garbage! Yes! Repeatedly asks questions about what we’ve thrown away. And while his OCD and ADD may be mild, it still wears at one’s nerves.
I just figure that I will be grateful that he has held a job, first husband did not, quit drinking, gambling and such, goes to AA, that we can pay bills, be pleasant and get through each day. But improving our sex life to some ideal, sorry I just believe at some point it is normal to have less and less and then no sex. For many couples due to the build up of irritation coupled with inabilty, age and illness, it is just NORMAL!
@Louise… thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m sorry to hear about all the struggles you and your husband have encountered in your journey.
I think what is normal for one couple can be completely different for another. Hard to say that there is a label of “normal” we can put on every single couple. I know couples into their 60s and beyond who still enjoy tender intimacy all the way around, including sexual. For them, normal does include sex.
Anyway, I do appreciate you commenting… thank you so much…
Would you pray for me please.
I agree with all the points men said about being sex starved. I “hate” that I can relate with all of the points.
The one that bothers me the most is similar to but not the exact same as “obligation” sex. It’s “pity sex”; ….. “Oh does my baby need me?” or just as bad …. “Does someone need some attention?” Actually I “need to be clearly and articulately needed, wanted and desired sexually”. Also, I don’t know who this “someone” is but the woman at my office hitting on me actually knows what my name is and calls me by it.
I was shocked, happy, sad, scared, confused, had regret, and ashamed after finding and reading through this site. Shocked that there actually are Christian women so open to discussing sex publically. I mean they’ve come through my office by the hundreds over decades but only opened up in the office. Happy that there are marriages flourishing and or growing in this area. Sad that I am not experiencing that in my wife. Scared at how sad it has made me in the last few years to realize that after 20 years my wife still refuses to seek help for her intimacy issues. Confused that in a career in counseling I have so many married couples that send me regular Thank You’s for having been a part of their marriage intimacy reviving and flourishing to new heights, yet I’ve been unable to affect change in mine. Regret that I did have sexual experiences with other women before marriage (no intercourse though). If I had no idea of how great it is to be wanted, craved and sought out I might have been content with what little I’m experiencing now.
Ashamed. Ashamed and scared at what I’m thinking .. planning … fantasizing. I need to feel more than just being wanted for “paying the bills” and to be there for everyone and everything else in our family life outside of and not intimacy related. All the personal and family prayer time is not making up for lack of intimacy in marriage.
Ashamed to admit that though I won’t purposefully try to break up the marriage, I’m done and will be looking to have a discreet affair with a female counterpart to me. I not proud of it. I’m scared … but I feel myself slipping into this path.
@Scott, we feel for you brother. Your plight is the same as many of us. You said you are a counselor, and that you regularly receive “thank you” letters from married couples you have helped. Have you advised any couples where the husband is a good devoted husband and wants to be intimate with his wife who he loves deeply, but is being rejected to the point of giving up? If so, what advice did you give them and how did it help them work it out?
For someone who has prayed on this, had deep conversations with my wife, gotten angry at times, and at other times dropped the subject altogether and gave up, I’m in search of one single success story where SHE changed. I’ve changed myself 10 different ways and NOTHING works.
The “pity sex” you describe is particularly disheartening. A good Christian wife is supposed to submit to her husband, not pity him. But unfortunately they quickly learn that the power to ration out sex gives the spouse the power to turn their mate into a pitiful beggar. This is mean spirited, and dare I say evil. But it is our cross to bear.
As for me, I never beg and I don’t accept “pity sex.” I once did, and that didn’t help with the frequency at all but it did make me feel like a piece of dirt. If “pity sex” is the best she is going to offer then she can keep it, as well as the consequences of her actions.
Do not go out and have an affair, whether you think you can do it discretely or not. If you frustrated to the point of doing that, tell her to her face that SHE has to change or your relationship is over. Because if you do go out and have an affair, your relationship IS over. You may as well make it explicit and take charge of things.
My prayers go out to you, Scott. Keep the faith.