marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me
Your husband is not an “animal” for wanting to have sex.
He is not being unreasonably demanding.
And he is not a selfish pig.
He is a normal guy who has an appropriate expectation that his desire and need for sexual intimacy be met with the woman he married and loves.
That’s you.
Yes, I know that some marriages are in the midst of incredibly painful circumstances, wrought with betrayal, horrendous miscommunication and deep unresolved woundedness. The lack of sex is not an insurmountable matter, but I get that it is complicated.
I also know there are many marriages that don’t fit that bill. Many.
For the most part, they are relationships that move along just fine, with the exception of this discord in sexual intimacy.
Voila.
Sex-starved husband.
Enter stage right.
If you have been regularly denying your husband (and yourself) sex — if this is the “norm” in your marriage — then I humbly encourage you to stop lying to yourself.
Stop telling yourself “it is no big deal” that you and your husband rarely or never have sex.
It is a big deal.
Now, I could tell you to “just have more sex.”
But that advice would be drenched in short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes.
Ridiculous.
If ever there was a place for short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes, I guarantee it is not marriage. When have quick fixes or token efforts ever led to any kind of authentic and long-lasting depth in a marriage? Don’t answer that. We all know the answer.
What I would compassionately tell you is to figure out why you have allowed and/or purposely chosen that sex become non-existent in your bed.
Here are some possibilities (and some solutions):
Are you punishing him for a past hurt that the two of you haven’t worked through?
Do the courageous thing. Bring the issue out in the light and commit to reaching a place of forgiveness, healing and strengthened resolve to treat one another better.
If you need help from a counselor, get it.
I don’t know your situation and I certainly would never minimize how badly he hurt you, but give yourself permission to stand back and take an objective look.
Is it worth it — is it really worth it — to withhold sex from him as a way to punish him? My guess is the feeling of victory is not quite as prevalent as the quicksand of bitterness.
Have you not sought healing for past sexual pain, such as sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, rape, abortion, so forth?
If you were violated sexually in the past — or if your own sexual promiscuity has left you wrestling in isolation with shame and pain — then I implore you to seek help.
For the sake of yourself and for your marriage, please do not deny yourself the healing you need. That healing will help you embrace a right and good and holy perspective on sex with the man you married.
Are you not experiencing pleasure?
Learn about your body and educate your husband. Talk during foreplay and sex to specifically tell him what feels good.
Relax.
Spend more time making love.
Allow yourself to embrace sexual pleasure, which was designed by God. I know this is obvious, but God designed your entire body, including your clitoris. Yes! The clitoris was God’s idea. Kudos to Him on that one. Seriously, that little part of your anatomy serves no other purpose but intense sexual pleasure.
Like I always say, orgasm isn’t everything. But it is a very strong something.
Are you still believing lies that sex is dirty, wrong, gross, only for procreation?
Enough already, okay. Enough.
God designed sex to endear a husband and wife to each other, to protect them from temptation, and to give them a glimpse of His intense love. (Sure, He designed it to make babies too, but the vast majority of sex in marriage isn’t for procreation).
Whatever you’ve been told (maybe even by Christians) that paints marital sex in a bad or “obligatory-only” light is a bold-faced slam against the Word of God. Stop trivializing the truth of what God says about sex. Think I’m looney for saying any of this? Seek His Word and then let’s have a friendly heart-to-heart chat.
God is such a sexy God. I’m just saying.
Do your own struggles with body image inhibit you to the point that you have convinced yourself “there’s no way he would want to have sex with me”?
How I wish that this body image issue didn’t wreak such havoc on marriage beds.
This might be a shocker to you, but the standards doled out in media and entertainment on what constitutes “beautiful” and “sexy” are completely inaccurate. (Creating counterfeit images is kind of their gig. It’s called “make believe” for a reason. We are “made” to “believe” something that isn’t quite what they portray it to be).
If you want to get physically healthier, by all means, please do.
But if you are holding your marriage hostage until you lose the baby fat or get back to your age-20 body, pa-leaseeee — stop it. Express to your husband your struggles and ask him to be more affirming. Then do your part by growing in your sexual confidence and enjoying sex with the man you married.
(By the way, if you want to read a couple of fabulous posts on body image, I particularly like this recent one by Lori Byerly, as well as this one by Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous.)
Is his hygiene (or lack thereof) offensive to you?
I know this can be a sensitive issue, but if your husband paying closer attention to his hygiene would help improve your sexual intimacy, then by all means, you have to tell him. Speak with a tone of love, but speak it.
And for you husbands reading this, trust me — most women like a guy who smells clean. Better yet, a guy who is clean. Shower before you head to bed. (Wives, why not suggest you and your husband shower together before sex? Just an idea. Hmmm. Wonder how I came up with that one?!)
I could go on and on, but my point is that a long-term solution is not simply “going through the motions” when it comes to sex (or, sadly, not going through any motions).
Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?
Some say they wish they weren’t Christians so that it would be easier to “just leave.”
Some say they feel rejected to the point that they think their wives don’t even love them.
Some say they are tempted to look at porn, but they resist. It is extremely difficult though.
Some say they do look at porn, but would rather be having sex with their wives.
Some say they completely understand the appeal of having an affair.
Some say they stay in the marriage because of the kids.
Some say they are angry at their wives for being so careless with their marriage vows.
Some say they feel worse after receiving “obligation” sex.
Do you want to know what all of them say?
All of them say they hunger for sex that is characterized by deep love and oneness with the woman they married.
Call me crazy, but I just don’t think a selfish pig would say something like that.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I am a husband who endured a nearly sexless marriage for 15 years. I can relate to every husband whom you quoted. I wanted desperately to be intimate with my wife more often….but got the cold shoulder over and over again. In the beginning I just thought it was normal….but after a few years of marriage I began to realize that my need for sex and intimacy was not being met in a meaningful way. I tried to encourage an atmosphere of love…..I did my best to meet all of her needs emotionally, spiritually and physically in a non sexual way…..to no avail. I hinted and prodded……still….nothing more than once a month at best. I was left feeling inadequate all the time…..when we would have sex…..I could not last very long because we had sex so little that the excitement was overwhelming when we would. So when we would have sex it would really only last for a minute or two and I would feel guilty. Then it seemed that she wanted it less and less until at one point we were having sex maybe once every three months or longer. This drove me to look at soft porn and that of coarse led to more main stream porn…..I hated it and I hated my wife for not being there for our marriage. I wanted out but knew divorce was not Gods way…..I also knew porn was not Gods wau either……I felt trapped….caught in this endless spiral of no sex with the women I loved and the horrible trap of porn. Some time in our 15 th year of marriage I began scouring the Internet to find out what other Christians had to say about “Sex in Christain Marriage” and I was shocked to find many websites like yours talking about the very things I was feeling. This gave me a feeling that God was hearing my crys. Every time I would look at porn I would be left feeling empty and I would pray for his forgiveness……all I wanted was a wife that desired me and wanted to have sex with me and be intimate. God met those prayers……and slowly I gained confidence to confront my wife and encourage her to read some of these web sites. She did reluctantly. I bought eBooks written by Christain authors that addressed these issues and when she would ask what I was reading I would put the eBook on her iPhone for her to read. She slowly began to focus on what was going on and began to read the things I was reading. God drew me to a place where I felt that I needed to confess my sin of porn to her and at that moment she realized what she had been doing all along. The road from that moment has not been perfect…..but it has been a road of healing…..healing takes time and can only be done by God. Today our marriage is much different. Sex occurrs multiple times a week and our relationship has strengthened through Gods Love. I would encourage all who are suffering in a sexless or near sexless marriage to put in the effort to bring about change……you may find it was the best thing you ever did 🙂
What a powerful testimony from John! 15 years is a loooooong time to hang in there without intimacy with your spouse, but healing can happen.
Great post, Julie. I have heard from hubbies as well who are hurting – not merely from testicular vasocongestion, but deep emotional pain. There are also wives who are sex-starved in their marriages, which I know you have addressed in the past. We need to ask tough questions like you suggested, find some answers, and make marital intimacy a high priority. Thanks again for aiming at the heart of the issue and hitting it dead on.
Wow, John’s testimony is as strong as the blog post itself. Julie, I wonder if you could post his comment as a blog post or get him to write a guest post.
John, I am glad you worked through this. I would encourage wives who read this post to take it pretty seriously, because I can say that men think of sex as so much more than the act. You are telling him you love him when you make love with him.
Many women don’t realize that to men sex = love, at least on some levels. Not having sex (to you) doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but that’s the way he takes it, I guarantee it.
Julie has mentioned some books on her website: For Women Only and its companion, For Men Only, by Shaunti Felthahn. My wife is reading the women’s version and though she is a great gal, and has been a wonderful wife, most of the stuff in there, she didn’t realize. Sexual refusal = rejection (Another one that women don’t realize about men.) Too tired? You need to explain this, and give him an alternate (and very quick) date. A satisfied husband is a very grateful husband, and he will be changing your oil for you, taking you out to eat, and a whole bunch of other neat stuff. (If he’s already doing that… holy cow, show him you love him by having a love making time with him. )
After reading the For Men Only, I’m realizing a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t know about my wife. So guys, Don’t forget your wives love to have their hand held, without any expectation of sex. They love it when we take care of things for them without being asked, or when we take care of the kids’ homework with them, again, with no hidden expectations.
(It’s a two way street then, but for heaven sakes, wives, once in a while, be sexual with your husband.)
Thank you John so much for your comment (J, David and HMT — I appreciate your comments too).
John, I am wondering if you would be open to me running your comment as a blog post so that more people could benefit (great suggestion David). I could do this anonymously, of course.
Please let me know! THANKS! Julie
While I did not suffer so much as John for as long as John, I have more than a little in common with him.
My DW did not realise how much pain I was in until we had one of those “We need to talk” talks, which I initiated. I did not realise that there were issues that she had with me too, and some of the issues on both sides were simply wrongly remembered. But the worst part of it all was the “duty sex” that I would get about once a week. I felt that I was being told to get it over with as quickly as possible so that DW could get to sleep: sex being squeezed in after everything else has been done is still a temptation/minor problem, but it is much less than it had been. But I am thankful that we have both made steps to improve our relationship in every area, including in the bedroom.
I think that some bloggers and broadcasters on to something when he says not to let the problem remain hidden or ignored, but to bring it into the open. If your spouse is pretending to be a dutiful “good” Christian wife or husband, then tell the pastor, especially if he or she is holding office in the church but neglecting the spouse at home, and ask that he or she be released from office pending a restoration of the marriage.
The problem becomes more difficult to deal with when neither spouse professes to be Christian. I have a non-Christian male friend who has confided that he has had no sex since summer 2010 and his wife objects to him moving to the spare room in their home. I know how frustrated that makes him feel. He takes his marriage vows seriously and does not play away. All I can say to my friend is that he needs to be assertive, and although it will create some problems in the short term, it will resolve the problems longer term by either making his wife realise that sex must be on the agenda for the relationship to be a marriage, or she will become so embarrassed at his refusal to spend the night in the same bedroom that she will eventually leave him.
31 years of marriage. 31 years of empty, meaningless and rare sex. 31 years of rejection.
And when the counselors said some things she did not want to hear she left.
(Of course there is more to it but I am trying to make a point here)
Please get the word out there. I believe this is destroying more marriages than any other single issue and I believe it is the source of a lot of other marriage problems such as porn and money troubles.
The one organization that has the right, the opportunity and the responsibility to solve this problem is the church. What say we hold them to it?
What about “sex-starved wives” because there are out there I should know I am one of them. I feel rejected, unpretty, and very unsexy. It is not just husbands there are wives out there who truly enjoy making love but their husbands couldn’t be bothered or don’t even try. Would love to find a blog about sexually frustrated wives and husbands who don’t put out.
I used to be John’s wife (figuratively, of course!). My husband (and I) were not so lucky. In fact, we’re still struggling. Even though I have completely changed my attitude and actions, we’re still working on the kind of life a married couple should have.
My story is such a roller coaster. I have felt God tugging at me to tell my story, so once my blog re-design is complete, I will be starting a series on that. I pray it will help someone not to have the kind of live my husband and I have had.
After 34 years of marriage I find myself losing desire to have sexual relations. We have gotten older and I have brought up discussions about new things in our relationship. It has been met with a great deal of resistance and judgment from my wife. This makes me feel like I am some sort of weirdo. It has gotten so bad that I dont feel like a good person. My body feels different and what used to excite me doesnt anymore. I ask about new things and get the response “you want to what?” I am not talking about anal or anything like that. I would like to try oral to completion and things like that. Perhaps a toy. She doesnt want to talk about it since it embarrasses her to talk about sex. I dont know, maybe I am weird or a pig. This stuff is way outside the comfort zone we have established. I am brave enough to ask but not brave enough to accept the response. Are we as humans wired to lose our sexual desires as we age? In other words, as we need more stimulation or different types and we dont discuss them are we doomed to lose desire? Maybe that is the way it is.
My husband and I are in a sex starved marriage. I have repeatedly begged for more sex. I understand that sex=love to men, so when he refuses, it suggests that he might not love me. On top of that, we are recovering from infidelity on his part for four years now. He briefly went to counseling. I have asked that he dig deeper to find reasons for not wanting to have sex, and he finally told me he is resentful that he thinks I get more sleep (we have a 4 month old and a 4 year old), so he has been withholding sex. I am furious. I am trying so hard to get to a place of forgiveness, but right now I just want him to hurt like I do. He is in the military and gone a lot as it is. I feel like we should have sex as much as possible when he is home to cut down on the temptation factor. It is hard to stay faithful when you doubt that your husband desires or loves you. Everything else about him, his fathering, his giving and helpfulness, etc says otherwise. I love him and do not want a divorce. I just want this issue changed. When I was struggling with PTSD, he was very understanding and things really improved. I have grown so much, but because of all the hurt, I am having self esteem issues. He says that doesn’t help. I could really use advise on how to stop wanting to punish him even if everything changed tomorrow.
Thank you uk Fred, Bill, Susan, Heather, eammon and Victoria for your comments and willingness to share.
Bill … I agree with you that the church should take the lead in encouraging married couples to embrace God’s vision of sexual intimacy. Fortunately there are ministries out there (formal and informal) that are trying to do this. But certainly there is always room for more.
Susan… I know there are sex-starved wives, and I am saddened any time a marriage suffers in this regard. (I personally know a few sex-starved wives, so I recognize that this is not a one-sided issue). I and other bloggers have done posts on wives wanting more sex, but the reason the vast majority of our posts don’t focus upon this is b/c we hear from more husbands who are feeling sexually deprived. I sense your pain and I think you could be an encouraging voice for other wives who are sexually deprived. I highly encourage you to start a blog, as I think you would find other wives in similar situations would reach out. No matter our struggles in marriage, we have to find ways to support one another and to continue to seek God’s guidance in the most desperate of situations.
Heather… yes, definitely do a blog to share with others!! Our own personal stories are so powerful. Thank you!!
eammon — Age can affect sexual intimacy, but it is still reasonable that no matter age, that intimate contact be a vital part of marriage. I’m saddened by what you are experiencing from your wife. What makes intimacy good is communication between a husband and wife, and when that is in place, I think a married couple can experience amazingly vulnerable connection no matter their age.
Victoria — I’m sorry for the struggles you and your husband are navigating. While I do not have easy answers, I do encourage you to resist the urge to punish him, even if this is what he is doing. So much about marriage is hard and it takes courage to walk maturely in the face of tremendous pain. Please invest in yourself and your marriage and seek professional Christian counseling. Even if your husband won’t go, a counselor would be able to give you insights on how to navigate. You and your husband are handling so many responsibilities … you need support for your marriage through such challenges.
I so appreciate everyone’s input. I realize that marriage is messy and that no two situations are exactly the same. As a marriage blogger, I pray that whenever I write a post that it resonates with someone — that it infuses hope into even one marriage.
Please keep the comments coming…
I’m wondering what you and your readers would have to say about my situation. My husband recently wrote me a note asking for specific sexual things using, in my opinion, very offensive and lewd language that I did not receive well. As a result, I feel our sexual relationship has been seriously damaged. I don’t like it where we are and wish I could rewind the clock, but alas you cannot “un-ring a bell.” Now, I’m struggling with how to breech the incident again to hopefully get us past it. (If we even can get past it.) I love my husband very much, but this gesture on his part has hurt me so deeply. I wonder if I am “safe” with him, if I (the person) am loved, or if it’s all about sex for him. I don’t want to fight, argue, or accuse. What’s done is done and although I feel as if a tidal wave has drenched any amorous feelings for him, completely extinguishing what little libido my nearly 50-year-old body has those feelings do not make for a very good marriage – for either of us. Besides, I miss him already. Why can’t husbands understand how to approach their wives? Some may like it fast and furious. I prefer gentle and tender, knowing that he is loving the WHOLE of me – not just my body. 🙁
Thank you Susan and Victoria. So many times I have wanted to comment, but don’t know what exactly to say. I would beg, and he just didn’t want to be with me. But then he cheated on me, and used sex as an excuse. And now, even after 3 1/2 years, having sex with him still makes me physically sick somtimes. It makes me angry, because it was something that I used to enjoy so much. We have been to counseling, and for us, it was a waste of time and money. I’m disappointed at the lack of information about dealing with sex after adultery. Maybe I’m just needing to know that there is hope. That there are others out there who had overwhelming feelings of disgust after sex over a long period of time, but it did change. It would be great if you had a guest post on the subject or if you could direct me to a blog that has handled that topic. Thanks.
@ Jet:
There are some other recent posts that touch on what you’re describing…make sure you read those as well.
To answer your question about why don’t husbands know how to approach their wives…it’s because we don’t know how to approach our wives. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic tone…the point I’m trying to make is, just as a wife isn’t wired to naturally understand her husband’s sexual drive and urges, husbands aren’t supernaturally able to understand their wives the moment they say “I do”.
The common underlying issue with most, if not all, of these types of marital “conflicts” is a lack of healthy, deep, vulnerable communication between spouses.
You mentioned the note your husband gave you describing sexual acts he wanted to try with you. From your stated reaction to it and how shocking it was to you to have it presented to you the way it was worded sends a signal to me (drawing from my own personal experience…I’m no therapist) a few things:
1) There is a lack of deep, safe communication about the marriage bed you two share.
2) Your husband is seeking an answer (satisfaction) to a drive that he himself may not fully understand.
3) There may be some selfishness on both sides of the coin here…meaning each of you is seeking something from the other instead of looking to see what you can be unselfishly giving.
Please receive these words in their intended state…I’m not judging either of you.
If you haven’t already, ask your husband why he wants those things…my guess is he won’t know with 100% certainty. If he seems pretty sure of why he wants it, ask if he would want those things from you even if you did not want to do them. Make sure he knows that you love him but it’s just the acts themselves you’re uncomfortable with.
The bottom line is he needs to realize that he doesn’t want you to do those things with him…he wants you TO WANT TO do those things with him.
Speaking as a husband…what we want and need is to be accepted sexually, have our sexuality validated by our wives (which does not mean going along…it just means you don’t think we’re weird for wanting to do certain things WITH you), and to feel connected to our wives.
The only way we husbands will ever know how to approach our wives is if our wives tell us (through open, honest, vulnerable communication times). We can read about it but that only gets us so far…you ladies are complex and can only be generalized so much (so as to be written about). When my wife and I read marriage books we laugh at how opposite we both are in certain areas to what is written about husbands and wives in general.
Pray…then slowly start the conversation with your husband. It may not be easy, but decided now to not be easily offended and to keep pushing forward. The reward is a healthy, loving marriage where you both are fulfilled.
Hi,
I just came to this blog today and I’ve enjoyed reading all the comments on this post. It seems to me that most of the people reading this blog have been married for over 10, 15, 20 years. I’ve been married only seven years so my issue is slightly different.
The first six years of my marriage was great. I’ve always enjoyed sex with my husband and the act was wholesome, fun, fulfilling, etc. I was brought up to know that sex within marriage is a good thing. The only issue at that time was that he had a preference for “quickies” while I wanted lots of foreplay, time to cuddle, and a slow build-up. For some reason, it seems men cannot just understand that aspect of sex is VERY important to their wives. Without foreplay, sex is just a mechanical act, uncomfortable and sometimes painful too! Several times, I had an argument with DH about it and told him that I would rather have no sex, than bad sex. I even told him that sometimes I felt as if I’d been raped, just to satisfy him cos I got no pleasure from it AT ALL. So PLEASE let all men (young and old) know that romance and foreplay are a necessary part of sex for women, not just something they have to do to get to the “good part”. Slow it down!
Anyway the main reason I decided to comment was because we had a baby recently and this has completely changed our marriage, including our sex life. I think because we had been married for six years without a child, and with regular sex, DH just assumed that the baby will pop out and life will remain the same. I had a fairly easy pregnancy so we were able to have sex up until I was 7 months pregnant. But as I got bigger, sex became uncomfortable and even painful. But he wouldn’t let up! He continued to demand sex as often as we used to, until one night I broke down in tears afterwards because I was in so much pain. When he saw my tears, he grumbled that I made him feel bad, but at least he backed off and I was so relieved that I could finally get some sleep at night with my huge bump.
I then had a rough time at birth and eventually had to have a c-section which took a lot out of me. Coupled with the severe pain from the wound and the epidural, the sleepless nights, exhaustion and breastfeeding round the clock, I was certainly not in the mood to have sex. Somehow DH did not understand this factor either, and he kept pressuring me and asking WHEN we would resume sex again. Sigh.
I know that men have libidos and all that, but can they not understand that things have changed (temporarily at least)? That pregnancy and childbirth means that their wives have just gone through a lot physically and mentally? And it will take some time before their sex lives resume? I’m not talking years here – my baby is only seven months old, but DH has been making such a big fuss about it that one would thing he has been starved for 25 years!
I found myself wishing and wishing he would just leave me in peace – travel to a foreign country for a year or something. I was also very angry because I felt he did not appreciate what I was going through but just focusing on his own needs. And I wished someone in the church, maybe an elder or pastor would have given us some advice on what to expect when a baby comes into the picture. Discussions about sex during pre-marital counselling are ridiculously silent on this aspect. PLEASE let men know that sex changes with pregnancy and childbirth. PLEASE teach men to be patient with their wives until things settle down a bit after a child has just been born. PLEASE let the men know that the arrival of a baby is very hard on the woman’s time and energy and sex is not necessarily high on her agenda at this time. And that it doesn’t mean she has stopped loving him. I think that perhaps if my DH had been prepared beforehand, a lot of our issues now would have been much easier.
One more thing: I was given a contraceptive that completely killed my sex drive so things have a long way to go….
Thank you for your comment Joan… I will definitely address this in a future blog post. You hit upon many aspects of pregnancy and birth that some men don’t understand when it comes to sexual intimacy.
I know a woman whose husband didn’t even understand that they couldn’t have sex for sex weeks after their first baby was born… he totally didn’t get that, even though a doctor was explaining why it was necessary to let the body heal. Plus, if you have had a c-section, the recovery can be longer.
My heart and prayers go out to you. Your husband is being selfish and insensitive, even if this isn’t really his motive. I’m not sure how old he is, but I too wish an older and wiser man in the church would come up to him and set him straight on what it means to man-up when your wife has a baby.
All that being said, many husbands are understanding during this transition from couplehood to parenthood.
Your comment simply sheds more light on the overall matter of the deep need for married couples to nurture such authentic and regular conversation about how they each feel about sex — and what they can do together to make sure it is an enjoyable and sacred and treasured time for both of them.
Would you and your husband be open to other forms of pleasure at this time… meaning, could you do more with your hands, more foreplay, oral sex, etc.? Not as a replacement of actual intercourse, but just a way to explore other forms of pleasure together while your body adjusts and heals, etc.
This is a response to Lisa. Here is a good blog on marriage after infidelity. It’s written by a couple who has survived infidelity. Hope it helps you. http://marriagelifeministries.org/
Thanks for the article Julie. You’ve articulated what I could not for nearly 20 years.
My story is almost like John’s. We’ve been married for almost 20 years. Any sexual activity has been once a week (if I was lucky) of “duty sex” for all but the last two months.
After many, many hours in prayer throughout the years, one day I spoke up in a way that was different than all the other “talks” we’ve had. I poured out my heart and told her my needs. No blame. No excuses. No ultimatums.
Our love life is better now. I’m not sure she understands that, like Bob said above, I want her to want me. But this is something I understand we’ll have to work toward. For now I’ll take sex 2x or 3x a week with my DW. We’ll work on her desire to seek me out in due time. A marriage is, after all, work.
I teach childbirth classes, and I do talk about post-partum sex. I agree that more “man to man mentoring” would be helpful in this regard!
There is actually NO research on how long a couple should abstain post partum. My first OB told my husband and I to wait 6 weeks. We waited 4 before intercourse (less before “lovemaking”). My second OB told my husband and I to wait until the lochia stopped, and assured us that approximately 30% of his clients have already had intercourse before their 6 week post-partum check. After our 3rd child was born on February 8? Ummm…my hubby donned a condom, and we had fun on Valentine’s Day.
My heart breaks for women like Joan. I suspect her lack of desire for sex has to do much more with her overall situation than just her physical recovery from birth. Yes, many women do have more difficult births that require a longer recovery period…but 7 months is showing that her husband really isn’t helping out like he needs to. I teach the men in my classes that if they want love-making to resume they need to wash dishes, vaccum the carpets, give her time to take a warm bath…all on a REGULAR basis.
BTW, I strongly recommend Mark Gungor’s seminar (which is available on DVD) “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” for many reasons…but one of them is that he very frankly & humorously, in a way that is palatable to men…explains the whole neccesity of romance & foreplay thing.
Thanks Bob. You are correct on many levels including “the bottom line is he needs to realize that he doesn’t want you to do those things with him…he wants you TO WANT TO do those things with him.” He has said this very thing to me. The difference is when I do object he doesn’t stop. He keeps bringing it up. Julie speaks and blogs often about the fact that marital sex should be mutual. If one spouse says “no” then it should be “no” regardless of the reason. Pushing your spouse by constantly bringing up something that has already been addressed sends the message that status quo isn’t good enough. I’m not one of those missionary wives that never tries anything new, but I have limits and feel they should be respected. For example I don’t like sex at bedtime. At bedtime I’m tired and want to go to sleep. Sex wakes me up and I lie there in the dark (or get up) for an hour or two or three because my adrenaline has woken me up. My husband, like most men I’ve heard, passes out and sleeps like a baby following sex. Another example Julie blogged on was a “golden shower”. I wouldn’t like that: doing or receiving. There are numerous examples I could think of but you get the idea.
My husband and I have had deep, vulnerable conversations about sexual matters. Actually we had had one within a week of this impass happening which is one of the reasons I was so blind-sided by it. It leaves me thinking that the more I give; the more he asks for and leaves me feeling unloved, never enough and inadequate.
I guess I make it too simple. If a man knew how to win over his wife before marriage (the things that drew her to him and kept her coming back), why wouldn’t he know after? If you spent hours together talking and laughing together but now you just sit in the same house (or room) watching television without an engaging conversation, no man should expect his wife to be “turned on” by such disconnection. And when you feel disconnected; you don’t feel “safe”. I have tried to talk to him getting no where and the distance between us continues to grow. I hate this. I know this isn’t an advise colomn so I’m going to stop with women are often described as responders. It’s how God designed us and I feel myself responding to him by getting depressed. 🙁
Jet…I’m really glad to hear you and your husband can talk deeply about these matters…it means you canhave hope of coming to a place where you are both in tune and a peace with it all.
Things change when you get married even though we want the “fairy tale” to last. I know I have had long (way too long) spells of being disconnected as you mentioned. I know my wife had a similar response to what you mentioned yours was. After 15 years now I’ve finally come to the realization of just how disconnected I’ve caused things to be. Men tend to slide into a “I’ve captured her heart…I’m done having to try so hard” mentality (I know I did) and we don’t realize the damage we’re doing. We’re so young and under-informed when we do get married it’s easy to see why so many marriages end in divorce.
I am learning that the principle of sowing and reaping applies to every area of our lives…even our marriages! Seeds only produce after their own kind so if you want something out of the marriage you have to sow that very thing into the marriage. The trick is identifying the seeds that need to be sown in your marriage. For instance, if you are lonely you need to sow seeds of companionship. The ground is your spouse…the trick is to figure out how to get that ground to produce the harvest you’re looking for! If you want your husband to go to museums and operas (just to go with a stereotype here) then you will need to sow seed in the form of going to a car show and a monster-truck rally! That is the kind of seed that grows best in the ground that is your spouse (in this example).
It works both ways…it’s a spiritual law (sowing and reaping). God put it in place and watches over it to insure it happens every single time.
Selfishness is like locusts that destroy the crops planted. Planting banana seeds in northern Canada isn’t going to work either…as the sower you have to learn the soil and the environmental factors you have to work with in order to plant the best possible seeds to produce the harvest you want…and work to keeps the pests from destroying your hard work! And by pests I do NOT mean your children haha.
Just to be clear…I’m NOT saying you’re being selfish Jet. From what you’ve written so far is sounds like maybe the both of you are trying to harvest where no seed, or very few seeds, have been sown…or one or the other of you may have sown seeds thinking they would be good but the crop failed because you planted the equivalent of banana seeds in Canada…or selfishness devoured a perfectly good crop before it was ready to be harvested.
It takes real work to help a marriage grow and flourish. If you want connection I would suggest learning how your husband wants to be connected to. The “secret” is to do it without expecting immediate results (or even any results). The ways he wants to be connected to may not come naturally to you and may not even interest you…but this is not about you in this case. Sowing is work and work isn’t always enjoyable..but you can do this knowing that you are blessing your husband and you are sowing into your marriage (you both benefit from any harvests reaped). Learn his love language and “speak” it! And, just to be clear, I’m not suggesting you give into your husband’s requests for something you’re uncomfortable with.
Sowing is a selfless act…its not selfish to expect a harvest…but it’s God who gives the increase…so be patient, pray, sow the best seeds possible, and have faith that God will bring you a harvest in due season if you don’t give up (Galatians 6:9)
I hope this makes sense to you…blessings!
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This was an absolutely incredible post! I loved reading all the comments and getting some great insights from your male readers. I plan on using some of the comments on some of my future posts they were so good. I love hearing how men are thinking since they are so different than us.
Blessings,
Lori
I will link my post back to this post. I think a lot of my readers would enjoy reading your blodg.
Wow.
I hope I am at least half as empathetic to my wife as Julie has been here for guys like us.
I love my wife dearly and strive to be the husband she needs *and* desires. She is the love of my life and I have to say that our marriage is not what it needs to be. My challenge is that I have been trying to be present for my wife, try to speak her love languages and engage her (vs the typical ‘watch TV and ask for sex later’ sort of image). Our lack of sexual intimacy is a symptom, perhaps of my failings in recent years as a husband to meet her needs. But perhaps of something else. And it’s been hard for us to talk about it — I think she wants the feelings to just ‘show up’ like they did early in marriage. But I believe that it has to be intentional, that marriage has to come first (knowing that our relationship with God is manifested in all areas of our lives). And it’s hard to be on that same page without negativity cropping up in our relationship. It’s been over five months now since we were last intimate, and there have been some valid reasons during that span as to why. But as I look ahead, I wonder what it will take for things to change.
My husband isn’t sex starved its me that is sex starved. The only time we had sex was on our wedding night and that was 45 years ago. Since then I have been ignored, lonely, depressed, unwanted and uncared about. To him sex is nothing, to much work for so little, useless and not exciting, disgusting and messy.He refused to go on our honeymoon, instead he choose to go back to work and to add insult it was the mid night shift. When he got home the next morning he packed up all his stuff and moved to the basement. And hes been down there for 45years. I cryed and complained and all he said was deal with it. He said he didn’t want to be with me. I was really confused and didn’t know what to do. I asked why he married me, and the answer was he wanted to see what it was like and it took him only one day to show him he hated it. Its been so lonely for me, I still fight depression issues. But one day it will be all over.
MARRIED 32 and a half years, last time we had sex was 15 and a half years ago. My wife hates sex and I am sick of masturbating to porn. I am 61 years old and I have had it. I have spoken to her numerous times-she advises me to see a doctor because I have a normal healthy male sex drive. This is driving me insane and I have concluded two things from this: 1) WOMEN HATE SEX and 2) I HAVE BEGUN TO HATE ALL WOMEN.
I’m sorry things are so tough Bill. I hear you. Marriages should be loving sexual relationships where the couple loves each other and are sexual with one another regularly and frequently. This is God’s design actually.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19 (English Standard Version)
I won’t argue about how your wife feels. but women in general don’t HATE sex (and this is coming from a guy whose ife used to almost always say no)
Are you two christians? If you are, why dont you seek out some pastoral counseling or christian marriage counseling.
You guys can’t, or SHOULDNT, continue in sexlessness. That’s ridiculous.
If you arent a christian, still you should seek out marriage counseling. As christians we dont believe you should be using porn at all, but I can understand why you would.
I dont know what all the issues are in your marriage, and who is at fault and who started what. All I know is that you guys havent had sex in 15 years. That isn’t reasonable. In fact its TRAGIC and I’m sorry.
Please get some help for your marriage somehow. Life really is short. Move to fix your marriage in a positive way. even if she wont go to counseling….YOU go to counseling for help. Maybe a marriage counselor can help you with your wife. Ask your wife what the issues are. WEhy does she HATE sex? What’s the deal?
Why not tell her that it needs to change. :we need to be having regular and frequent sex in our marriage. I’m a NORMAL MAN (you are) and I’m miserable in this marriage. I am willing to work on what the issues are so lets talk about them and work them out because this has to change.” (I know this wont be easy. Its VERY difficult but do it anyway. She is your wife, and this is your life and your marriage.)
Take care Bill. Again, I’m sorry its so rough.
LS
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All the warning signs were there. Since day 1 sex has has become a decreasing priority to my wife. Daily, to every other day, to every third and so on to about once every 10 days. That’s where we sit now. How I feel? To sum it up, not like a man. I feel as if I’m a burden, I feel empty at times, resentment. I blame myself for not making more money so she too wouldn’t have to work so hard. Our strenuous schedules parlay into slues of excuses, obstacles, and reasons for my impending loneliness. Often times I wish she were ugly out of hope to curb my sexual appetite for her. She’s so beautiful it hurts and I’m the envy of many men. If I’m hungry she feeds me. If I’m cold she covers me. If I cry she cries with me. But if I need her sexually she is nowhere to be found. I think I’ll share this site with her and hopefully it will help her see that I’m not a sex craving monster. Hopefully she’ll realize how much I miss her even though she’s 3 feet away.
My Marriage ended this way. After 12 years of once every few months…to once every several months… to once every year or so, I came to believe, down in my soul, that the woman I loved had never loved me, full stop. I prayed about it a lot.
But then it wasn’t God who was turning me down. It wasn’t God who was only ‘amorous’ at times when it was impossible, or nearly so, to do anything about it. Surely if my prayers were honestly heard, my ‘loving’ wife wouldn’t wake me up at 3 am and ask why I wasn’t raring to go a couple of hours before time to get up for work, and then throw it in my face for months. “Last time _I_ wanted your attention, you turned me down. You can’t be that bad off.”
Many many years of harsh words and harsher feelings, and I had just plain given up. Monks and priests do it, so apparently a Protestant COULD cope with a celibate life. and then a couple year later SHE started noticing Those Urges. The “biological clock” increased in her own desire. I’m told hits in the mid 30’s? She was 22 when we were married and at 34 she suddenly had an interest in me.
“This” I told myself, “is not a Christian love for a God-given spouse. She HAD a God-given spouse years ago, and threw him away.. This, pure and simple, is selfish lust.” And so her touch repulsed me. Her suggestions and requests got a flat refusal. And within the year I had moved out.
Ladies, give yourselves to your husbands, for the simple reason that you want to HAVE husbands.
yoh..this is wonderful ,inspiring and i learned a lot from reading all comments and i will definiteky take all into consideration.thanks a lot.God bless you all and your marriages.
What does a man do when he asks his wife to make love to him in a position other than missionary and my wife tells me that I am using her, that she feels like she has to perform and that what I am asking is wierd. I just want a little excitement in our lovemaking and yet I am made to feel like I am the bad person in our relationship. I am at the end of my rope. All I want is some love and intimacy and to make love other than in missionary position. Am I wierd??
@Buck… thank you for the comment…
No, you are not weird for wanting to have sex in a position other than missionary. There definitely are other positions that are enjoyable and acceptable.
If your wife is open to reading a Christian sex book, I recommend Sheet Music by Kevin Leman and The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Etheridge. Both are Christian sex books and both talk about a variety of positions.
Sorry for what you are going through…
i am not sure if i am sex starved, my wife try’s once in a while to please me including anal ( as a special treat ), but i am highly sexed, i need sex at least 5 times a week, at the moment i am only getting it once in a while and when we do have sex i feel like i have presured her into it, i need to be reasured that any type of sex or fore play is there as well, iam willing to do any think for my wife, wash up, clothes washing, cooking dinner ect and it goes the same when it comes to sex, i alway put her needs first from stroking her all over to make sure she comes first and more then once, she has even told me take i am extreamly good at making sure she gets off but she doesnt like touching her self at all, or wearing any think sexy, it just seems that shes ok with me making all effort when it comes to fore play and sex when she is in the mood, my wife has also told me that any time she makes an effort for example telling me she like what i am donig, its fake and she shouldnt have to put on a show for me, then she will tell me that she loves me… but i am confused and felling depresed because i will do any think for her but i feel shes not intrested exept for when it keeps me with her ( there are some times i dont want sex so i do understand what its like, but my wife teases me with sex and even tells me i can have anal later but then compleatly puts it off i get so turned on by my wife my just by being with her that my balls start to hurt which stops me from walking around) what can i do as i love my wife so much i would give up my cosworth, xbox and every think else and even die for her, but in the other hand i cant spend my life with out having some sort of sex or fore play ?
I hope you don’t mind a non-believer posting here, but I was fascinated by these comments and wanted to say a few things.
My wife and I have gone through periods of less sex in our marriage (especially when the kids were just babies and toddlers), but things have improved in the last couple years.
We’ve been together for 20 years now, so I hope I can offer some advice…
One of the problems we’d had in our marriage was my wife’s depression. Maybe not ‘clinical’ depression, but it was enough to make her disinterested in me or in things in general. She tried several different medications and eventually found one that worked for her without making her tired all the time. This simple step helped our relationship by taking the edge off her irritability. Our sex improved somewhat simply because we didn’t argue as much.
Another issue we dealt with was lack of sensation on her part due to giving birth to 3 kids. I was always able to bring her to climax orally, but after the third birth even that was more difficult. We found out though, that a vibrator can work wonders! Now she has multiple orgasms and we are having sex once a week (which is just the right amount for me).
We’ve also changed when we have sex. Just face it–in the evenings you’re going to be tired. We have sex in the morning now and we aren’t tired or cranky. The kids are in school, and we have that one morning a week to ourselves. If you can arrange it, please try it in the morning!
I notice in some of the comments, a kind of prudishness or self-consciousness about sex and some types of sexual activity. But practically every animal on the planet is sexual and actively seeks out and engages in sex–we are no different in that regard–it’s totally natural to want sex and to seek it out. Why be embarrassed by it?
I hope these suggestions help. I know some of your situations are more complicated, but best wishes to you all.
I have been and are still in this situation after 16 years. It is very painful emotionally.
I feel extremely sad for all the men who have undergone such trying moments but genuinely applaud them for “hanging in there”. Opting out is not a solution at all. Let’s be man enough to face the situation head on. With God’s help, we are more than conquerors. I hope all the ladies who have read this will be more understanding of the sexual needs of us men. We are not enemies but are supposed to be the best of friends. Please do your God-given responsibility of being a helper “fit” for the man. After all, if the sex life is great in the marriage, the women also stand to benefit wholesomely!!
I can totally sympathize with all the men who are complaining about their “sexless” marriages, but where is the information men need to hear about hormonal changes older women go through that sometimes wipe out their desire to have sex period (not just with their husbands), or that we are not always withholding sex as a punishment and that maybe some men should look at their own behavior to maybe explain why their wives aren’t so receptive. I wasn’t having sex with my husband, not because I didn’t want to, but because going through menopause left me with absolutely no desire to have sex, stress at work felt insurmountable, stresses at home from children and home construction added to the problem of just feeling overwhelmed. Add to that my husband decided I was untrustworthy – followed me to make sure I was where I was supposed to be and with whom, even started going through my emails (my password for my account was never a secret – although my husband’s is a heavily guarded secret from me)! During a drunken tirade I was told that he didn’t have feelings for me, didn’t love me anymore, and didn’t trust me (among other very hurtful things). I have never been unfaithful to my husband, have always loved him no matter what, would be lost without him in fact. He’s always been good to me and been an excellent father to our children. I consider him my soulmate. Knowing he doesn’t trust me and that he goes to such lengths to try to prove me wrong have just turned me off even more. Now I’m supposed to just forget the words and actions he’s used toward me and fall into bed with him? Men need to understand that words do mess with our minds and affect our intimacy and that there could be other issues that affect our libido that are beyond their control and ours – it isn’t just an issue of we “don’t love them anymore”.
You are amAZing!! Wow! Haha 🙂 praise The Lord for wise people and his wisdom put in them 🙂 most awesome thing Ive ever read. (I personally don’t have a problem in this area, we both know it is a marital biblical responsibility and a “if you love me show me” thing) but I wanted to read this anyway 🙂 so cool.
Its not that I don’t want to have sex with my husband, I do! But he makes it all about him, leaves me high and dry if he orgasms before me. He will hand me a vibrator and go to sleep! I tell him I need foreplay to enjoy sex, yet he thinks he can just stick it in me and I will enjoy it. What makes it worse is that if I have to remind him about foreplay, I won’t enjoy it because I can’t stop thinking about how i had to remind him, and if I don’t say anything I won’t enjoy sex because
I feel he doesn’t care about me enough to pleasure me. He will always orgasm during sex, yet complain that we never do it the way he wants to, which is a total lie. So how am I suppose to have sex?? He tells me he will jump ship and find a hole if I won’t give him mine, so I do, how is that suppose to make me feel?? Do I just have sex with him to get him off so I can live with a happy husband even though I’m miserable?? I feel totally degraded like I might as well be a paid mistress.
Am a lady aged 25 and married. We used 2 av sex with my husband but ever since I gave birth to our son he doesn’t look at me the way he used to. It makes me feel terrible about myself because av gained a few pounds after giving birth. I av 2 beg him to sleep with me. Sometimes he would just be lying on the bed and ask me 2 help myself while his watching soccer. I feel very bad about it and av confronted him about what it is doing to our marriage but he keeps saying I just love sex. I av now reached the level of enganging our pastor because I can not go on living like this.
@marie… From what you have shared, your husband sounds emotionally abusive, if he is saying things along the lines that he will “jump ship and find a hole” if you do not give him yours.
If you have tried to talk to him and express to him your discouragement, as well as your commitment that intimacy would be better for both of you, then I would suggest you seek the support of either a marriage counselor and the church.
If your husband won’t go to counseling with you, I encourage you to go on your own.
Also, could you confide with at 2-3 safe Christian women about your concerns? Goal would be that these would be mature Christian women who will keep what you share in confidence, pray with you, won’t bash your husband, will give you good insight, etc.
I recognize completely that there are no guarantees that your husband will change. It is in painful moments like this that I remember Hebrews 4:13… we all must give account for how we have lived. All you can do is seek after God’s heart and Word and seek wise godly counsel on how to navigate your marriage. Your husband will indeed have to also give account for how he has been careless with his marriage and with God’s Word that he be a husband who would love his wife as Christ loved the church.
My heart breaks for you… I’m sad with you for how your husband is treating you…
I don’t wish to have sex with my husband because he often abuses me verbally and emotionally. Each time we disagree he would threaten to kick me out of the house, threaten me with divorce and constantly tells me go back to my country (I’m a foreigner). He has made known on countless accounts when we argue that I’m his biggest mistake and that he regretted marrying me and having our son. He always comes home from work in a negative mood, complains about everything and everyone and if I were to say or do something not to his liking, he would have an anger fit, scream his lungs out and throw things around the house.
I’ve had things thrown at me, been hit on the head, been called every name in the book and spat on. He gets angry when I fall sick. He gets angry when I’m tired after caring for our son and home 24/7 365 with no help given at all.
I’ve tried asking him to go for marital counseling but to no avail. I’ve tried to be the best that I can be but it’s never good enough. I’m still in the marriage because he holds our son ‘hostage’ should I leave or report to authorities.
Enough said, would you want to have sex if you were me? …Bruises may heal but verbal abuse leaves deep and lasting mental scars.
@M2A…. if your husband has hit you, he has been physically abusive. I implore you to at least contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (http://www.ncadv.org/)
Also, do you have a church home or at least one safe Christian woman who you can confide in? Having a mature sister in Christ who will pray with you, listen to you and offer you wise counsel would be at least a start to some support.
When you are in an abusive situation, it can be difficult to determine what to do next. For your own safety and for your child’s safety, though, I encourage you to do what you can to at least explore options.
From what you have shared, it does not sound like you are overly confident that your husband will change. And even if he will, you still need to do what you can to keep yourself and child safe in the mean time.
Please at least look into options.
Divorce may not be the answer for everyone; but it takes two, participating individuals to make a marriage work. And after 20 years of being the only one attempting to save my marriage; I’m glad I found this website.
I’ve known my wife for over 2 decades. She’s a great person and I love her, but I also never would have married her had I known what issues intimacy and sex are for her.
The first couple of years I thought it was me, and did anything and everything I could to enhance our marriage, intimacy, and sex life; but there was no change or improvement.
I was about to throw in the towel, then our son came along and I thought; I will make this work. I still loved my wife, but every time she pushed or pulled away it hurt; and a little bit more of my heart broke.
I suggested my wife and I go for couples counseling; but she was against this. I recommended she visit a doctor or nutritionist; but she never got around to making the appointment.
One day I woke up and realized as much as I wanted my wife to be happy; I can no longer stay miserable. Sometimes, it’s not about anyone having to change; so much as knowing things can’t remain the same. And this has made all the difference in the world for me.
Julie,
I have found your site by ‘accident’ when looking up a possible medical condition that my wife may have intermittently, more of this later.
We have been married for 16 years and not long afterwards my wife started avoiding sex with more frequency. I would raise the issue but got very little in the way of response or conversation. I found this very frustrating as she is an individual who would talk a lot about other issues but not this issue when I raised it. Over the years as I got more annoyed about raising this issue, my view was this should not be an issue I should not need to be going on about something that should be natural, fun and loving.
I talked to her and suggested that she could come and talk to me when she was more comfortable but no responses I was again forced to raise the issue again, at this point I am beginning to doubt her love for me, I would ask her why did she marry me, I told her before we got married that I felt a healthy sex life was normal. She would state that I was making it too big an issue so I decided I would not approach her I would wait for her to initiate. My thinking was I could not go any further over to her side of the argument but to leave it to her to make the approach which when it did come was just going through the motions.
As time went on I would become more resentful of the fact she would demand emotional involvement and to be listened to but unwilling to give herself as she should. The frustration would lead me to call her names like ‘frigid’ etc which did not help (I realise I should not have done this and it was immature). It was so frustrating when she would say we can make love on a particular day and that day would pass and then another and no mention from her about what we agreed until I raised the issue again.
There have been periods of the marriage when it appears there is a breakthrough and things go well but then some event comes along and we revert to back to where we started or worse.
We have gone long periods of time when we don’t have sex, over a year in fact.
There are times she has talked of divorce but I said to her that is a conversation she will be having by herself as it is clear the bible is completely against this.
I have said to her I will not be divorcing because its not just not right to divorce.
She has also accused me of having an affair. I said to to her that might be what she was hoping for but I would have to answer to GOD for that and I could never justify that to him, no matter how I feel I am being treated.
In the last couple of years on two occasions she has come to me complaining of being so ‘turned on’ that it hurts her stomach and saying she does not understand this because we were not getting on. She requested sex to relieve this pain.
I took the opportunity to tell her we are supposed to be having these relations despite whether we are arguing or not. She even wondered if it was ‘punishment’ for withholding herself.
After the last occasion of this happening we made love, she had an orgasm and the pain went, I suggested she check out via web/doctor what was going on but was but disappointed and feel I was only required to ease the pain, in short selfish.
While looking up the symptoms off her complaints is how I came by your site.
I just don’t understand why anyone would behave like this. Your views from a female perspective would be appreciated.
@WhatsGoingOn Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m saddened by the situation in your marriage where sex has not been nurtured.
I don’t know your wife, so I don’t know her exact reasons for avoiding sex, but I do know it is not uncommon in many marriages. Even though it not uncommon, it is a huge problem and you are indeed justified in wanting to address this issue.
Consider writing her a letter explaining the frustration and pain and your desire that the two of you together seek to build better intimacy (sexual, emotional, spiritual, etc). The goal of the letter is a springboard into more face to face conversation.
She would be wise to be checked out by a doctor to ensure there are no medical issues going on. In general, if there are not medical problems, the more a couple has sex, the better… in other words, we are sexual beings and a married couple is wise to take to heart 1 Corinthians 7 and Song of Songs… study those books and we see that sex matters. It does!
If she still refuses to address the matter, I encourage you to seek the counsel of 2-3 wise Christian men who can simply be support for you, pray with you, pray for your marriage.
Ultimately, we all have to give account for how we have lived (Hebrews 4:13). Your wife will have to give account for how careless she has been with sexual intimacy in her marriage.
God will certainly be well pleased with you that you have stayed faithful to your vows in the face of tremendous temptation.
Hi there,
I do feel very encouraged by all the posts on this blog, so thank you.
Basically I’ve been married almost 4 years. I have never been physically attracted to my husband, but the Lord showed me and him that we meant to be together, so we married. Really do love him, such an awesome guy, was a virgin when we married, but when it comes to sex, I’m totally unmotivated and uninterested. I’ve never had a orgasm, and struggle with intimacy and relaxing and trying to enjoy it. The way I feel is if I never had sex again, that would make my day. But I know that’s not Gods plan for me or for our marriage so I really need to make a plan and change it.
I want to desire my husband, find him attractive and be passionate and be aroused. I’m finding it extremely difficult to fight these mindsets but I know God wants me to get help so I can enjoy my marriage and enjoy sex.
We both lead very busy lives, and have 2 children and another on the way, so finding time to work on it is very challenging. I feel suffocated like there isn’t a way out and don’t want my marriage to continue like this. I know God created it to be something beautiful and special but I’m really struggling to change it. Any advice will be much appreciated.
Thanks