marriage problems, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
3 Reasons You are Easily Offended in Bed
Oct
So let me paint a few scenarios. Maybe they will ring familiar:
You and your husband are moving along in foreplay and you notice that he is not becoming aroused.
OR
Your husband makes a casual comment that he wishes you were more creative during sex.
OR
You wear a sexy negligee and your husband doesn’t respond with the enthusiasm you were expecting.
Hmmm.
What’s a gal to do? If you are like many wives, you may find yourself getting offended.
I offered three scenarios above, but I’m sure we could come up with oodles of other circumstances where the possibility of feeling offended is high.
I recognize that sometimes spouses are just plain rude and mean to each other, so feeling offended isn’t just probable, it’s more than likely justified. For purposes here, I’m not talking about those hateful situations.
What I am talking about is when you are easily offended in bed — BUT your husband’s heart motive wasn’t to hurt you.
Have you even considered why you are so easily offended when it comes to sex?
Maybe you even notice that in other interactions with your husband, you typically don’t take offense.
Here are 3 reasons we can be easily offended with regard to sex:
1. We are most vulnerable in our sexual intimacy.
Sex with our husband should be a place of tremendous safety, where we can genuinely be ourselves — physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I’m not saying it is the only place we are vulnerable in our relationship, but there is a raw vulnerability that is present during sex in a way that is unlike other aspects of our marriage. We are naked — literally and figuratively.
Because of this heightened sensitivity, we may be unaware of how quickly we shut-down at even minor slights.
It could be a casual remark your husband makes. It could be a look on his face, a sigh in his voice or a body demeanor that seems less than thrilled.
Or it could be we are offended because of how we perceive something (like a husband whose arousal is slow or non-existent — when typically his arousal is quick).
Solution: Recognize your tendency to become easily offended. Resist the urge to shut down when faced with that tendency.
Ask God to give you a discerning heart as to whether something your husband has done or said is an opportunity for you to simply extend grace — or if you need to address it in a compassionate way that expresses your hurt, but still respects his heart.
In other words, do all you can to intentionally foster dialogue, forgiveness and strengthened intimacy.
As for a husband who seems to struggle with getting or maintaining an erection, please know that there could be a variety of reasons for this — and it’s unlikely any of those reasons have to do with your beauty or appeal.
Maybe he’s tired.
Maybe he is stressed about something.
Maybe there are physical reasons that need to be explored with a doctor.
Maybe he’s just not in the mood.
The list could go on, but the point is that if your husband isn’t all revved up and ready to round the bases, then you as a wife have tremendous influence in helping him feel safe to express what he is feeling.
2. Media puts a tremendous emphasis on a woman’s sexual ability.
Have you ever considered that you are so easily offended because of the inaccurate tapes running rampant in your own mind?
The Cosmo magazine covers taunt us, suggesting merely by their headlines that there must be better ways to sexually satisfy our husband — and we just don’t know what those ways are.
Whether it be magazine covers, perfume ads, mall storefronts or nighttime television programs, as wives we wouldn’t have to look too far to find messages that make us question our abilities to allure and satisfy a man sexually.
This can even be true for women who in all other situations are the epitome of confidence and leadership. Maybe you excel in the workforce or as a leader in your church or community — but when the lights go out with the man you married, you find yourself feeling anxious and inadequate.
Solution: Start recognizing the counterfeit images for what they are. Stop buying into this idea that you “just don’t have what it takes” to please your husband sexually.
I hate to say it, but I don’t think the stores are going to stop putting scantily dressed models in their ads or Cosmo on their checkout stands any time soon.
It’s up to you to take thoughts captive, stand firmly in truth, and claim your God-given ability to not just have sex with your husband, but to do so with confidence and appreciation for your own sexual pleasure.
3. You and your husband have different ideas of what constitutes a turn on.
Maybe your idea of “hot” is a sensual backrub that leads to off-the-charts sex.
Maybe your husband has a few other ideas. Instead of hearing him out, you immediately go to a place of being offended. Not only are you offended, you immediately assume his wild suggestions are rooted in things like pornography.
Now I’m not going to minimize how pornography can taint what is otherwise a beautiful interaction between a husband and wife. But as my fellow blogger Paul Byerly wisely observed, just because a sexual act appears in pornography doesn’t automatically mean the act itself is bad.
Solution: It all comes down to heart motive. If your husband is expressing his desire for more creativity, it could very well be because he hungers for intense sexual connection with the woman he loves. That’s a good thing ladies. Don’t quickly dismiss his motive.
To all you husbands reading this, please make sure your motive is pure.
Your wife needs to feel treasured and protected and affirmed, especially within this sensitive area of sex. When you approach her with new ideas, I suggest you certainly do so with a tone of desired oneness.
And if there hasn’t been too much happening in your bed beyond missionary position, it probably isn’t a good idea to begin your creative quest by handing her leather boots, handcuffs and edible underwear.
I’m just saying. Pace yourself.
And for you wives reading this — take the initiative. If your husband hints at or directly asks for some variety in bed, find ways to honor that — and ENJOY it!
You don’t have to compromise your own beliefs, but you probably will have to get out of your comfort zone.
Sadly, when it comes to offense, we can allow unhealthy reactions and patterns to take up residence in our marriage bed. It doesn’t have to be that way, though.
Take a good hard look at your own heart.
Be honest with yourself — and with your husband. Have you been sabotaging intimacy by building walls, instead of tearing them down?
Refuse to allow a spirit of offense to hinder sexual oneness with your groom.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Julie – Great article (as always).
Just a note on “you notice that he is not becoming aroused” – the penis is not nearly the barometer of arousal that we have been lead to believe.
I wish my wife would read this, but if I showed it to her, it would just anger her–not the post, but that I showed it to her.
Vicious cycle.
Status quo reigns in many marriages, I’m sure.
This is a great sadness to me, but there are many wonderful things about marriage besides sex. I think one irony is that for women, sex can be great if she feels everything else is in place. For men, if sex is great, everything else can be also. God has a great sense of humor, or as someone else said in a previous post, the way women and men are wired requires that we work hard to understand our polarity in the areas of intimacy. God wants us to work hard to enjoy our relationships! I enjoy your posts Julie.
Great post, Julie. It is so true that taking (and holding) offense never offers a path to positive resolution.
On your point 2 and the media, I agree that the inaccurate portrayal of sexuality and body image can lead to self-doubt and fear. But if you feel stuck in a sexual rut, why not pick up that Cosmo (or whatever) and get a few ideas? As long as you read with healthy skepticism and can filter out the strongly secular world view, it could give you some inspiration and possibly even some confidence. Maybe? (Men, do NOT buy your wife a Cosmo – that will surely lead to offense!)
Hey Scott… thanks for the comment! I always appreciate when readers comment.
My concern about using Cosmo for a few ideas is that more often than not, the articles are written in such a way that a woman could end up feeling worse, not more confident. Sure, that’s not the article’s intention. But, honestly, the reality is that the magazine isn’t so concerned with improving people’s sex lives as it is with selling magazines and advertising.
The other concern about Cosmo and similar mainstream resources is that they would be more likely to suggest things that would not be good for marriage, such as viewing soft porn together, etc. Even if you are filtering with skepticism, it just exposes you to ideas that really aren’t healthy. Also, many of the Christian sex books have great suggestions on creativity, so secular resources aren’t really necessary.
Anyway, I think a better approach is married couples fostering good communication about their sexual desires, and that they introduce creativity that maintains the exclusivity of their relationship, yet breaks out of the routine of “missionary position only” sex.
Thanks again for the comment! Please stop by again!!
I agree with Paul’s comment. My wife and I have had this discussion in the past. Just because I’m not “standing at attention” doesn’t mean that I’m excited and turned on by her!
Great post, Julie! I never read this one before, but I saw the link on one of your other posts. I have been offended and hurt in a couple of these situations. I really honestly thought that no obvious male arousal = no arousal, no love, no excitement, no interest. So yes, if it happens – I figure I’m just not good enough, and we both end up hurting. Although while I believe he doesn’t intend to hurt me, I also believe I’m not his “type” and he’s fibbing when he says he’s attracted to me.
Also, the lingerie example was perfect! I’m not the most confident, but I am pretty fit by the worlds standards. On his birthday I wore a piece of lingerie that made me feel beautiful, and when he saw me, his face fell. Actual obvious disappointment written all over his face. It was the most hurtful thing ever. He claims it was because he was exhausted from pouring concrete in 95 degree heat, and he was sad that he knew he had no energy. Maybe. But his look of disappointment cut me very deeply. Coupled with the fact that he never says anything!! If he had just said “honey you look amazing but I’m so sorry I am just so wiped out” I could have understood. But going completely silent and looking at me like I’d ruined his day was a very bad way to go. It hurt me more than ever and I still won’t wear lingerie. I am far too self conscious after that horrible day. If he felt so tired as he claims now, why didn’t he say anything that day??? * sigh *
I don’t know what all women are so hung up about. As a sexual sentient lady go to that sex shop, try on something that is HOT and sexy to you and buy it…surprise him, greeting him when he arrives home. He can have a shower, a drink and be all ready to go in no time.Maybe some massage oil, candles, a toy(or three), a nice bottle of wine (park the kids elsewhere, if you have them) and let that inner sexy kitten PURRRRRR for your sexy man. Have the place nice and warm while you explore one another and PLAY. This is working for me and I am just writing it here..ENJOY!
Ladies, if your man isn’t…ahem….at attention for you, don’t automatically jump to the conclusion he’s “not attracted” to you. Sometimes the mind is more than willing, but the body has other ideas.
If you make a big deal over it, or display your displeasure, you might cause him to become too self conscious about it. This will lead him to have anxiety and worry that if he doesn’t get an election right away, he will cause you hurt. The odds of him getting ED due to what’s going on in his head goes up exponentially. The way to help him through this is to make him feel the least amount of pressure to perform as possible.
As embarrassing as it is to admit, I have experienced this. All it takes is one bad encounter(especially if your sex life isn’t healthy) that can cause an avalanche of self doubt. It can take months just for a guy to get his confidence and MOJO back. Once this gets into a guys head, it’s one of the toughest things to resolve. Trust me, when it happens, us men become obsessed with getting this matter fixed. It will be on our mind until we get back to normal.
Sometimes we need a little coaxing to get the motor running. Contrary to what society tells you, sometimes it takes more than just showing up.
As difficult as it is, try not to take it personally. As bad as you feel when this happens, I can tell you it feels far worse hurting your wife and not being able to sexually please her.