Lack of Interest in Sex? What’s the Toll on Your Marriage?
Posted on Thursday, December 29th, 2011
So I just finished reading a submission to the syndicated advice column that appears in our local paper.
Yeah, I read those. It seems like at least a couple times a week they have to do with sex, so obviously I’m interested. Go figure.
Anyway, this particular one was written by a wife who had lost all interest in sex and was tired of going through the motions. She was resigned that her lack of interest was merely the natural course of nature in a woman’s body.
The tone of her letter even seemed angry, and she ended it with this: “Nature has pulled the plug. Why isn’t there a pill to make a man less interested so we are on an even footing?”
The advice from the columnist?
“We know a lot of women who would be quite interested in that pill.”
Ugh. My heart was grieved by such “advice,” which really wasn’t advice at all, but rather careless affirmation that the woman’s perspective was completely rational.
I wonder what it is going to take for us collectively as a society to recognize the sacred value of sex in a marriage. More importantly, if you are a wife who has no interest in sex, have you really counted the costs of what such indifference is doing to your marriage?
Hey, I know this isn’t easy. If sexual intimacy in your marriage has been a struggle, I imagine the reasons are complex and emotionally draining. For a couple that is contentious on this topic, getting on the same page may seem insurmountable.
But good Lord, is there a way to at least get in the same book? The same chapter?
As for me, I am glad there is not a “pill” with the sole purpose of diminishing a person’s sexual desire. A better solution — albeit one that requires more effort — is that each person within a marriage do what they can to take their marriage vows to heart.
And please don’t even start with me about how a person can take their marriage vows to heart, but still be totally unavailable to their spouse sexually.
I’m not talking about going through the motions. I’m talking about genuinely figuring out why you don’t like sex — and then doing what you can to get to a place where you defend that time with your husband the same way you defend the time you spend on leading Bible study or volunteering for your kids’ school parties.
For those of you not familiar with my story, I know first hand that sex is definitely not something to ignore in a marriage. I have a failed marriage under my belt to remind me painfully of that. My sexual unavailability wasn’t our only issue, but it was definitely a contributing factor.
Of course, I learned all of this a bit too late for my first marriage, but let’s just say my current marriage is living proof that a wife can be sexually available — and more importantly, genuinely love sex. Seriously. I like it way more than chocolate or wine (both of which I like tremendously, so the statement is saying a lot).
A husband called me the other day, upset about the extreme lack of sexual intimacy in his marriage. His question? Had I ever heard of couples that had experienced differences in desire levels and were able to turn things around and both enjoy sex?
“Is it possible?!” he asked me exasperated.
I told him that of course it was possible, because we follow a Lord Who is redemptive. It’s His gig to take brokenness and make it whole. But rarely does He do that by lightening bolt divine intervention.
Instead, He asks of us that we humble ourselves, learn His Word and His ways, and then walk in the direction of what we have learned. For some people, like me, it also takes a failed marriage to get the point across. The reason I write this blog is I’m trying to spare couples of that loss before the loss shows up in the form of a husband walking out the door.
As much as society and media would lead us to believe that a wife’s lack of interest in sex is “no big deal” or is “just what happens along the way,” God is calling us to believe His truth.
Certainly every study on sex and marriage would tell us that couples who nurture their sexual intimacy do indeed have stronger marriages. But do we really need a study to tell us this?
I could stand on any street corner and yell, “Hey, all you married people — if sex is a struggle in your marriage, do you think solving this struggle would make your marriage stronger?”
Yeah, I know, that would just seem weird. I mean, me standing on a street corner and all. But, if people wandered over to me, what kind of responses do you think I would get?
If sex is a struggle in your marriage, do what you can to figure out why. And then commit to do what you can to change that pattern.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
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Julie,
How did you (and other women) go from “sexually unavailable” to where you are now? This to me seems to be a journey with no map or compass. I’ve prayed and read and nothing has changed. I have no skeletons in my closet or hurts from the past. I’ve done all the personal inventory and I can honestly say I’m quite normal and I’m actually pretty happy. I just don’t want to have sex, even though I’m married to a very good man and we have a close-knit Christian marriage (yes, I love him!). I have come to resent the “biblical mandate” for sex on every other blog or book I read as that only provides a load of guilt. Why can’t any one seem to guide or “coach” women like me on how to get from here to there? This article and many others are like a distant beacon of hope and right now I need “turn-by-turn directions” if I’m going to keep my marriage from the brink. It’s been about two months since my husband and I were intimate and he’s been asking me what we need to do to change this. He’s frustrated and pretty much feeling what you would expect and has suggested we go to counseling but I don’t think we need that. I am just tired of going through this. I have no desire and nothing seems to change that. I guess I can forget about finding him a “even-footing pill.” He said he needs me at least once a week and I just don’t have that kind of spark. Even once a month is really pushing it. So maybe that would help if we had that kind of insight or direction. You are very kind, bold, and Godly and that is really needed these days.
Thank You.
Thank you V.C. for your comment. I empathize with your struggles and I sense you do want things to change.
To some degree, you are right about there being no map or compass, at least not in the specific way that we think of step-by-step directions on how to get from point A to point B. Each marriage is unique, so there is not one solution that can easily be applied to every situation.
But I do think that there are resources that offer applicable information, and when you start to apply it, even in baby steps, there can be a snowball effect. But you have to walk in that direction.
I’m curious too if you are experiencing orgasm when you and your husband are intimate? You don’t have to answer that, but my point being is that sex is meant to be pleasurable. For a woman, experiencing pleasure sometimes takes more foreplay, more quality time together as a couple outside of the bedroom, etc. But the more sex is pleasurable, the easier it is to want to do it.
The reality is that God designed sex to bring so much to a marriage — for the wife and the husband. Sadly, we often think sex is just for a man, and a woman just has to do it to keep him happy. But that line of thinking falls short of what God desires for your marriage.
Another suggestion I would make is you visit your OB/GYN and have him or her test you for low testosterone levels. Women have testosterone too and it impacts sex drive. There are medical remedies for this and they are worth looking at… not as a quick fix but to at least explore if your body is working against you. I’m not a doctor, but I encourage you to also look at the impact hormonal birth control could be having on your sex drive (if you are on the pill or some other hormonal birth control). Some of these can lower sex drive, so it’s worth checking out.
Obviously you recognize that nurtured intimacy is needed. I know it’s hard from where you are standing right now, but nurtured intimacy has tremendous benefits for you as well. You are blessed to have a husband who desires you.
As for the biblical mandate about sex (1 Corinthians 7), please hear my heart in that I and other marriage bloggers aren’t bent on trying to make people feel guilty. Guilt is a poor motivator. Love is a better motivator. You love your husband… and sex within a marriage is an expression of love. Through blogs, books, websites, etc. … I and others are trying to coach you.
The other big thing that we as Christian bloggers are trying to emphasize is that when you take sex for granted or simply avoid it, you really are giving satan a foothold in your marriage. Satan doesn’t want you having sex, because he knows it is a powerful binding thing that strengthens a couple and draws them closer to the Lord.
With a resolve to strengthen your marriage and get to a place where you enjoy sex, you have to decide if you are willing to put into practice many of the tips and suggestions you read.
I hope this is helpful… my prayers do go out to you. Please don’t give up on trying to bring about positive change. It’s worth it.
I’ll stand on that (virtual) street corner with you, Julie. The first step for wives (and husbands) who are not interested in sex is to recognize that it is not okay to forego physical intimacy in marriage. It’s part of the package. Also, it’s an “us” problem that couples need to address together. I firmly believe that almost everyone can come to enjoy sex in marriage, and it is worth pursuing.
Is it OK for a married man to weigh in? I’m involved in mens ministry. I don’t give any man a pass to indulge in pornography & masturbation and blame his wife for her lack of sexual intimacy. But I ask you, if you go without food for a few days, what topic, what images, would dominate your thoughts? Get my point? On a more positive note, I assure you I have never met a man who would not slay dragons for the affection of the woman he loves. Ladies, men fear your rejection big time. Want a super charged husband? When he walks in the house from work, grab him and take him to bed stripping your clothes off along the way. It’s every mans fantasy. If you can wipe snotty noses, change poopy diapers, etc and do that as an act of love, please consider how vital your role is in making your husband the hero you want him to be.
Please keep it up. You’re giving me hope. I suggested a sex challenge, but was turned down. My next idea is to schedule it on a calendar (she loves organization). I’m hoping we can baby step from 7 times this year to once every 3-4 weeks and then up from there.
Thank you J, Mark and Paul for your comments! I really appreciate your insights and perspective.
You are so right Mark that nearly all starving men will be tempted to look for food wherever they can find it. I’m saddened when wives don’t understand that sex for a man is rarely just about sex — it is about connecting with the woman they love.
Paul, I’m grieving that you had sex only 7 times this year. I admire your heart in that you are trying… I pray your wife wakes up and realizes what’s at stake… sounds like she has a great guy right within her home and she is missing out on connecting with him in a profound way.
I feel for V.C. It is a hard place to be in. The problem with coaching someone as to how to “want” something is that there isn’t any single answer, path or way to get there. How do you “want” to exercise? How do you “want” to save money instead of buying the new shirt?
The first path that I’ve learned is to turn off all of those messages which say you “should” or “must” or “ought” or something equally logical. Psychologically, hearing those messages often inspires an opposing response in people at the subliminal level and every time you allow one of those mandates that says that emotions can be manipulated by flipping a switch or appealing to guilt, you allow your mind to strengthen that resistance. Stop granting power to the enemy.
Secondly, I’d like to ask you to meditate on a thought from a medieval monk, Bernard of Clairvoux. He talked about the levels of love. At the bottom is “I love me for me”. We see this often in children and narcissists. They love themselves. They have no concept that love can be introduced into a system from an outside source. Often the best source for them is to motivate them to try to experience something beyond themselves so they can see that love goes beyond the self.
Second level is “I love you for me”. In modern day terms this is quid pro quo. I’ll have sex with you if you will bath the kid for me. It is a level of exchange that happens quite often in marriage. The problem is no one can ever make good on 100% of their commitments so over time, each person is justified in offering less because last time they got less. It is better than the self-centered bottom level but there are even better levels.
Third is “I love you for you”. You love a person for themselves. You give a husband sex because his libido is higher than yours or you sympathize with the agony and frustration that just builds or you feel the pain that he feels when another does not meet his need for attaching in a way that God designed many men to attach. This is grace. Unfortunately it is very difficult to just offer sex because many men want that connection that goes beyond just doing it for their benefit. Sometimes it can seem that even your best isn’t enough. It is good to try this “when it is possible”.
The top level is “I love me for you”. At this level, you do things for yourself so that you have the wherewithall to have the grace to give the next level down. When an airplane has problems, we put on our own mask before helping others so we don’t become a burden ourselves. If there isn’t much inside of you to give from, how can you give generously to others. The golden rule “love your neighbor AS yourself” speaks of equally loving yourself and another, not giving to another while robbing yourself.
At this point, I have to ask you what you have done for yourself? First and foremost, what is inside of you? Do you have enough “you” or “love” or “whatever” to give to others in sufficient amounts? Even Jesus had to take time in prayer to give himself enough to share with others. The big danger here is that loving yourself for another can come dangerously close to loving yourself for yourself and put you back into that self centered area. It takes self-reflection to know when self-care is so that you can eventually give to others.
Secondly, consider what you have specifically for this issue. Did you ever have this desire? Has it gone away? If so, what was it like when you had the desire? If you have never had that level of desire, is there something that is blocking that desire (old wounds to grieve and heal, never learning to connect with another by touch, a sense of fear, loss of safety or control, or something that doesn’t fit in this top 5 list)? If so is it worth trying to grow beyond the blockage?
Is it possible that you just are really low on the sexual desire scale, thru no “problem” or lack of knowledge/experience, just it isn’t there and never has been? If so, how can you negotiate something that is an unresolvable issue? Do note that there will always be some unresolvable issues. I really do love Gottman’s book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage work”. It addresses this aspect.
My lack of interest in sex mainly comes from my husbands porn addiction. We had a great sex life until I got pregnant just a few short months after we married. Then there were complications and I was told no sex for the rest of the pregnancy. I was put on bed rest. After our daughter was born, I was tired but still willing half the time. I couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t interested. Then I found out that he started looking at porn and going to strip clubs after I was put on bed rest. It’s been 4 years since then and after years of counseling, accountability groups, workshops etc, he still struggles with viewing it. He’s even had to step down from leading worship – something he really loved doing.
Someone told me if he was going to get better I had to keep having sex with him. I feel like there is no intimacy when we do and half the time I feel like things he wants to do stems from the porn. I have no interest in sex anymore and half the time I feel like I do it out of duty. Once his porn viewing comes out, he goes into crisis mode, “repents” gets help and seems like a changed man. Sex isn’t a hard thing for me to do during those times. but then he starts to change, he loses interest and sooner than later the porn sites start appearing in the email I get every few weeks that flags inappropriate content being viewed on the phones or computers.
Is there any hope at all of his fixing his addiction? Is there any hope at all of restoring interest in sex. It seems after four years of being repeatedly lied to and empty promises being broken, I’m not sure I can ever find my original desire for sex.
Thank you Mary and JM for your comments… so appreciate it!
JM… my heart grieves over what you are experiencing in your marriage. If ever there was proof of the horrendous damage of porn, your comment clearly conveys it. I’m still so baffled by people out in the world who contend that porn “is no big deal.” It’s a huge deal — a devastating choice and addiction that injures a relationship in untold ways.
There are ministries and resources devoted to helping individuals and couples overcome the damage and addiction of porn, and it sounds like you are aware of some of that (since you have safeguards and alerts on your computers, etc). I think accountability partners can be very helpful too… if your husband would commit to daily connecting (even by phone) with another male who would hold him accountable and would ask him the hard questions. You mentioned accountability groups, but does he have one particular person as an accountability partner. I know there are success stories out there, but I also know that this addiction is extremely difficult. I’m so sad and sorry for what you are going through.
It’s not always the woman who doesn’t feel the urge or the need foe sex. My husband has sex with me may be 4 times throughout the year. I m beyond enraged!
Thank you for your reply Julie.
I know that you and others are not trying to hit us over the head with 1 Cor. 7. I just can’t help but feel bad whenever I see it, almost like I’m conditioned to feel guilty when it pops up. As for hormones, I read about that being a possible cause and was checked thoroughly two years ago and my levels, including testosterone are normal. As for the “O” I have experienced it a few times, at least I think I have, when my husband provided foreplay but often I can’t get past the thought that foreplay just seems strange. I often end it early so we can just get everything over with. He has willfully performed “OS” and when I’m in the moment on rare occassions I do enjoy it but later on or the day after I feel bad that I allowed that. I’ve read your articles on OS so I’m trying to adjust my thinking and hope my feelings eventually follow, though I admit I am totally averse to offering it to him. I’ve done this in our past (in marriage and not to climax) and it’s just awful to think about, for me.
My husband is handsome and I think he’s aging gracefully and caring for our family better than any man could. He’s such a good man and constantly is trying to flirt, cuddle, and love on me and most times I’m comfortable with that. I know he’s deeply hurt by my lack of desire and my sense of duty, and so I’m just trying to find what it is in me that I can fine tune. I know God hears prayers like mine and I know there are many books and blogs and seminars. I appreciate all that Mary wrote and I am taking it to heart. I wish I could just fall in love with him the way I did in the beginning but those feelings just don’t seem to happen anymore. That actually scares me, and I hope my sexual desires for him return before he ever entertains the thought of leaving me. I have no doubt that it’s a temptation and yet the thought of having sex more frequently, let alone pursuing him sexually, is often a distant and unwelcomed thought. But I have faith that can change.
Thank you.
I so agree with your post, Julie. It breaks my heart whenever I hear or read of a couple who haven’t had sex in a MONTH!! I’m like, “What! How did that happen?!” But, unfortunately it has and it’s happening.
I love how you said that we need to “humble ourselves”. Humility is such a key factor in this. It’s so easy to put our pride in this and think that it’s a man’s ego, pride, problem, etc. that’s why we feel stuck to have to have sex.
I pray for many christian women to wake up and see how much they are letting the enemy win and take over so much.