marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me
Your husband is not an “animal” for wanting to have sex.
He is not being unreasonably demanding.
And he is not a selfish pig.
He is a normal guy who has an appropriate expectation that his desire and need for sexual intimacy be met with the woman he married and loves.
That’s you.
Yes, I know that some marriages are in the midst of incredibly painful circumstances, wrought with betrayal, horrendous miscommunication and deep unresolved woundedness. The lack of sex is not an insurmountable matter, but I get that it is complicated.
I also know there are many marriages that don’t fit that bill. Many.
For the most part, they are relationships that move along just fine, with the exception of this discord in sexual intimacy.
Voila.
Sex-starved husband.
Enter stage right.
If you have been regularly denying your husband (and yourself) sex — if this is the “norm” in your marriage — then I humbly encourage you to stop lying to yourself.
Stop telling yourself “it is no big deal” that you and your husband rarely or never have sex.
It is a big deal.
Now, I could tell you to “just have more sex.”
But that advice would be drenched in short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes.
Ridiculous.
If ever there was a place for short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes, I guarantee it is not marriage. When have quick fixes or token efforts ever led to any kind of authentic and long-lasting depth in a marriage? Don’t answer that. We all know the answer.
What I would compassionately tell you is to figure out why you have allowed and/or purposely chosen that sex become non-existent in your bed.
Here are some possibilities (and some solutions):
Are you punishing him for a past hurt that the two of you haven’t worked through?
Do the courageous thing. Bring the issue out in the light and commit to reaching a place of forgiveness, healing and strengthened resolve to treat one another better.
If you need help from a counselor, get it.
I don’t know your situation and I certainly would never minimize how badly he hurt you, but give yourself permission to stand back and take an objective look.
Is it worth it — is it really worth it — to withhold sex from him as a way to punish him? My guess is the feeling of victory is not quite as prevalent as the quicksand of bitterness.
Have you not sought healing for past sexual pain, such as sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, rape, abortion, so forth?
If you were violated sexually in the past — or if your own sexual promiscuity has left you wrestling in isolation with shame and pain — then I implore you to seek help.
For the sake of yourself and for your marriage, please do not deny yourself the healing you need. That healing will help you embrace a right and good and holy perspective on sex with the man you married.
Are you not experiencing pleasure?
Learn about your body and educate your husband. Talk during foreplay and sex to specifically tell him what feels good.
Relax.
Spend more time making love.
Allow yourself to embrace sexual pleasure, which was designed by God. I know this is obvious, but God designed your entire body, including your clitoris. Yes! The clitoris was God’s idea. Kudos to Him on that one. Seriously, that little part of your anatomy serves no other purpose but intense sexual pleasure.
Like I always say, orgasm isn’t everything. But it is a very strong something.
Are you still believing lies that sex is dirty, wrong, gross, only for procreation?
Enough already, okay. Enough.
God designed sex to endear a husband and wife to each other, to protect them from temptation, and to give them a glimpse of His intense love. (Sure, He designed it to make babies too, but the vast majority of sex in marriage isn’t for procreation).
Whatever you’ve been told (maybe even by Christians) that paints marital sex in a bad or “obligatory-only” light is a bold-faced slam against the Word of God. Stop trivializing the truth of what God says about sex. Think I’m looney for saying any of this? Seek His Word and then let’s have a friendly heart-to-heart chat.
God is such a sexy God. I’m just saying.
Do your own struggles with body image inhibit you to the point that you have convinced yourself “there’s no way he would want to have sex with me”?
How I wish that this body image issue didn’t wreak such havoc on marriage beds.
This might be a shocker to you, but the standards doled out in media and entertainment on what constitutes “beautiful” and “sexy” are completely inaccurate. (Creating counterfeit images is kind of their gig. It’s called “make believe” for a reason. We are “made” to “believe” something that isn’t quite what they portray it to be).
If you want to get physically healthier, by all means, please do.
But if you are holding your marriage hostage until you lose the baby fat or get back to your age-20 body, pa-leaseeee — stop it. Express to your husband your struggles and ask him to be more affirming. Then do your part by growing in your sexual confidence and enjoying sex with the man you married.
(By the way, if you want to read a couple of fabulous posts on body image, I particularly like this recent one by Lori Byerly, as well as this one by Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous.)
Is his hygiene (or lack thereof) offensive to you?
I know this can be a sensitive issue, but if your husband paying closer attention to his hygiene would help improve your sexual intimacy, then by all means, you have to tell him. Speak with a tone of love, but speak it.
And for you husbands reading this, trust me — most women like a guy who smells clean. Better yet, a guy who is clean. Shower before you head to bed. (Wives, why not suggest you and your husband shower together before sex? Just an idea. Hmmm. Wonder how I came up with that one?!)
I could go on and on, but my point is that a long-term solution is not simply “going through the motions” when it comes to sex (or, sadly, not going through any motions).
Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?
Some say they wish they weren’t Christians so that it would be easier to “just leave.”
Some say they feel rejected to the point that they think their wives don’t even love them.
Some say they are tempted to look at porn, but they resist. It is extremely difficult though.
Some say they do look at porn, but would rather be having sex with their wives.
Some say they completely understand the appeal of having an affair.
Some say they stay in the marriage because of the kids.
Some say they are angry at their wives for being so careless with their marriage vows.
Some say they feel worse after receiving “obligation” sex.
Do you want to know what all of them say?
All of them say they hunger for sex that is characterized by deep love and oneness with the woman they married.
Call me crazy, but I just don’t think a selfish pig would say something like that.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
This blog is a THESIS on HOW DIFFICULT it is to have sex with a wife. Not a girlfriend though. Girlfriends are easy to have sex with. But marry them and it gets as difficult as this blog suggests. Some answers sound easy—1-Communicate more with your wife ( these are written by men n women who JUST ASSUME we don’t). 2-Be an Alpha Male and it is solved. No, not really. My wife loved the bad boy in me. The motorcycles, fighting in MMA tournaments, former Marine, been to war zones, wild sexual male, lift weights, etc etc. 3- Wives want it rough in bed. Not all of them. 4-Be a winner in the business world. I have done that. None of the 1 through 4 has worked. No, I am not abusive, verbally or physically. LET’S GET REAL—-a GREAT MANY WOMEN just are not into SEX AFTER MARRIAGE. You could be the WORLDS GREATEST HUSBAND and it would not matter with these females. They just used sex to execute THE CAPTURE. It is the hard truth. Just be honest. AND some men have similarly misled their wives, although it is a much lower percentage. I simply have surrendered to the fact that I have no answers. It is not the simple matter it is sometimes made to be. If you decide on divorce, then think seriously about whether you want another wife or a girlfriend. You are not “under contract” with a girlfriend.
No one is entitled to sex. Marriage does not give you rights to sex from your partner. Wives are not required to be a sex slave. They aren’t property for your use. If she doesn’t want to have sex, she doesn’t have to. Most women don’t want to have sex nearly as much as men do. It’s biology. I’m shocked at comments that think women are obligated to put out and should seek hormone treatments, etc.
With that being said, I think married women are crazy to let these good men go. As a single gal I would give anything to have someone help provide and make me feel safe. If a man wants a woman to have sex with and his wife won’t – then he should let her know that he is cutting off the money and she will need to get a job and support the family because he is too tired or doesn’t like it.
After the divorce she will have to do that anyway. But when the man starts dating someone and is sending flowers and being romantic – remember if you did that to your wife. If you didn’t, and you just expected it because you felt entitled – that is reason enough for us to say no. No one wants to feel like they are already bought and paid for, but they have to keep putting out forever. Keep chasing her and being romantic and see if that doesn’t help.
At the end though, I think marriage is ridiculous and rarely no of any happily married people.
to all these commenters out there.. Sex is sex and if there is no attraction or love then there is no sex.. Stop acting so deprived.. Leave your marriage if the only important thing is sex.. Disgusted to say the least
@Holly… I don’t agree with your opinion that no one is entitled to sex. Sex is part of marriage — a right I would even say. Not to be abused or sought after through intimidation or manipulation, but rather to be mutually and willingly offered by a husband and a wife regularly.
Based on your comment, it’s not surprising that you think marriage is ridiculous. I don’t think you understand marriage as God designed it.
Thanks for commenting though.
Concerned, I expect you WILL find A GOOD MAN. Your SEX=LOVE “should ” be true! Sex equals Love to good men. So if the woman feels the same you have the missing “magic” formula. I am only abdicating divorce after one IS SURE of no change. Without sex it is NOT a Christian marriage. The love and intimacy that BONDS the couple together is not present. It is all very sad to me. How can something that should be simple in a GOOD MARRIAGE be so difficult??? 30 minutes to an hour is available in virtually every marriage, excepting sickness, disability, or a spouse in military service or one who has to travel in their job. I don’t have a clue why people marry and quit being romantic??? I am wondering WHY we would want to do it all over again when a single girlfriend will adore you and look forward to sex with you. The thing you have to love about this blog is women ADMITTING that they married and the sexual intimacy was left behind. It takes a good person to admit it AND WANT TO CHANGE. It gives me hope. You will succeed Concerned.
I really don’t see the reason why a man would choose to get married in the current environment in the US. Really the two reasons are companionship, guaranteed sex, and children. Without those three things, he would be doing himself a disservice.
Quite frankly if all you want is sex and not the rest, its cheaper to just pay for it. In the long run with a bad woman you stand to lose everything in divorce as courts cater to women in the US.
I think most young men today realize that men in general in this society are being emasculated from youth now and grown men are expected to suppress all male type behavior or face the consequences. The punishment FAR outweighs the reward when it comes to traditional marriage. Don’t fall into this trap. Then again you could always go to another country that still has traditional values where women still nurture, love and provide sex to their husbands as part of the marital agreement. Highest divorce rates in the world right here in the US. Failed 50 years of social experimentation trying to replace a million + years of evolution.
jon,
A pretty depressing view.
This site is not designed to produce “the highest odds that men get some.” Julie runs this to help relationships get “right.”
God has told me that when you are open to what he wants to teach you about your wife, he will help open her heart (and body) to her. One thing that is REQUIRED to get her right, is that the husband has to believe in and respect and treasure monogamy. If you don’t do that, it won’t work.
Holly, let’s reframe your first few sentences:
“No one is entitled to resources and protection. Marriage does not give you rights to resources and protection from your partner. Men are not required to be a wage slave. They aren’t property for your use. If he doesn’t want to provide resources and protection, he doesn’t have to. Most men don’t want to work nearly as much as women want them to. It’s biology.”
That’s about as ludicrous as your original statement.
Tom: I think your comparison statement is partly correct. A woman should not feel entitled for material wealth, of her husband earning high wages. Then again, I come from another country (in Europe) where women generally earn an income. Expecting a man to be the sole breadwinner is frowned upon.
I would love my future husband to provide for me according to his God-given gifts and opportunities, and I am willing to do the same.
Both parties should be willing to provide emotionally and practically in whatever way possible..not just money and sex! Relationships are not a one-way street.
The comments from women here show just how out of touch wives are. I work full time, take care of the kids when I am not working (while she shops…often), I clean the house, I do the yardwork, I stay in shape (get up early before everyone in the house; its my ONLY time I can), cook 75% of the meals, coach my sons sports teams, play princesses with my daughter, take care of the kids when they are sick, send my wife flowers regularly/invite her on dates, am constantly affectionate with no expectation of sex, and try to remain patient. What do I get in return? Criticism, no affection, and no sex life. But my wife LOVES Magic Mike! Yet, I don’t think she’s a bad person or mom and I know she loves our family. It’s a bit like being trapped, you have everything (we’re wealthy, Im one of the lucky executives that doesn’t travel and gets to work from home) and yet I feel so alone
Julie,
Thank you for your thoughts on this painful issue. We had a fantastic sex life until child birth almost 17 years ago. I was initially very understanding, but am now feeling rejected and abandoned. She stays up late knowing I will fall asleep, etc., etc. I can’t tell you the last time she initiated. Yet, when we do have sex, it is good, and she almost always get to the finish line. Yet, the next time I ask, it’s the same old litany of excuses. Twenty eight years of marriage, and I feel like we are just roommates.
Signed,
Not An Animal
I have been married for 25 years. My wife is an amazing person. She is a terrific mother to our children. She does the books and accounting for my business. We share the housework (I cook and do groceries, she does laundry, we both clean), the homework (she is math/science, I am English/history), and spend lots of time together (coffee together every morning, lunch together often, lots and texting back and forth). We are financial well-off and both in excellent physical fitness. So one this one exception, we have a great marriage. I love her completely.
But at least since children, now more than 15 years ago, romance and sex have been just a chore for her. I am ALWAYS the romantic one … I buy the flowers, send cards and “cute” messages. I plan the getaways, but the gift for “our” anniversary, try to do things every day to make her feel loved and special. And I just get almost nothing, physically or sexually or emotionally, in return. If and when we have sex, it is the rare evening, too late at night, usually just before her menstrual cycle, she feels interested and we have boring, half-exhausted, obligatory sex. Obligatory sex is often worse than no sex at all!
I have tried talking to her … the conversation goes no where. I feel so incredibly lonely and rejected, suck and hopeless. I am so tired of trying, and feeling rejection, but do not want to quit trying. I am a romantic in a “successful marriage” with a woman who does not or cannot reciprocate any romance. And it kills me.
It is like this; sexuality is everywhere in America. These are sexual times. The husband cannot miss sex, it is everywhere. Heterosexual sex, gay sex, bi-sexual sex, teen sex, one-night stand sex, sexual images in public, on the computer, in the movies, images at the gym of that sexy girl in yoga pants, or worse-your wife casually undresses in front of you and then puts on granny underwear (though she does look good in the small bikini underwear), puts on a thick shirt and wraps herself in blankets so that no creepy husband will reach out and fondle her. Then in the dark, 5 minutes after lights out, she says, “oh, no kiss goodnight ‘eh?” “so unloving!!” You then kiss her knowing any sexual request will be a stumble on words (I used “coital sex” phrase once and you’d of though I used a pornographic word!!) you even use the words, “make love.” She alludes to long day, sleepy, tired, headache, pain in vagina, queasy, old age, kids will hear, too cold, too warm, or any criticism of husband is fair game too.
Here is the alternative; we cannot turn off sexuality. It cannot be done. Even if a funeral of a close parent occurs, sex will still be needed within days of any legitimate event.
We have no choice. Without sexual fulfillment, the wife becomes a nuisance in the house. She is now extra and he will not tolerate her shortcomings. The marriage is one of tolerance where the couple connection is so loose and weak, it can take a very small thing to break it up. Money then becomes the single motivator. The man disappears and all virtue of husbandry or fatherly legacy is ruined. All because the wife thinks sex is not important. So for all who peruse here, be warned; no level of Christian morals will improve a marriage, only sex will. (most people) Believe otherwise at your own peril and don’t be so surprised when pastor Bob runs away with the church aerobics gal. More than likely, he was sexually unfulfilled at home. And laying prone in bed and allowing husband to get his rocks off is not it! A participating wife who takes the time to please him and please herself is the answer.
I gave up trying to initiate a long time ago. The constant rejection is just too hurtful. I feel like I have failed at being a man. The one and only person that I pledged myself to forever doesn’t want me and it is beyond depressing. We haven’t even been married for ten years and our sex life is dead already? We do have sex once every month or two when she is in the mood. Her needs are met but mine are unimportant. I don’t even feel like she loves me anymore and just tolerates me touching her to ‘scratch her itch’ so to speak. I love her and am still committed to her but just want her to love me back.
I am a wife of a sex starved husband. And you know what? I hate it. My husband is so patient with me, works so hard to be what I need and yet, here I am barely even able to offer obligatory sex.
I cry at night because I want sex but at the same time I am grossed out. Can you imagine how confusing and frustrating that is?! He and I were great when we first got together but even long before marriage, sex became gross and I couldn’t follow through. During the entirety of our marriage our sex life has been a struggle. I don’t feel the attraction to him but I do care for him greatly. It’s like I have a “gross” switch that is flipped on and my “desire” switch is flipped on as well, and it’s by luck that the gross switch is flipped the off when we have sex. I can’t figure out a rhyme or reason to it. Even after sex though, I always feel gross and I want to be left alone and pretend like it never happened. I wish that I could feel that first attraction I used to have and I wish I could flip my switches whenever I wanted. It’s just not that easy. I would give so much to be able to just hop into bed and get into it with my husband but my body actually cringes at the idea. I am praying and I have talked to my husband about this over and over but for five long years this has been going on. At this point I just feel like I want to be able to shut down because it’s so damned hard!
To all the sex starved husbands out there:
I don’t know what is going on with your marriages or your wives. It is possible that she is going through just as much as you are. It is possible that she is just as frustrated and upset as you are. I understand it is easy to feel like your wife must hate you if she doesn’t want to sleep with you. I’m asking you to understand she just might hate herself because she doesn’t want to sleep with you.
And our guilt is made worse by the fact that we can’t just “do better tomorrow” because we know that it will be just as hard tomorrow. Our husbands use sex as their primary way to experience love and we literally cannot show them our love or receive love in that way either. We aren’t all out to “catch” men to marry us. Some of us have legitimate issues. You know what? I’d say all of us have legitimate issues if we don’t have the ability to show love in this particular way or if we choose not to show love in this particular way. I’d venture to say both of those scenarios require help, probably from someone liscensed to do so. AMEN!
Sarah, please go to a Christian counselor and get some help. You have already done the hard part by admitting this is a problem. Now, all you have to do is find someone to help you reframe your experience. It is possible.
My problem is much more creative…
When I married I was a normal, healthy young woman, and in love.
I have to say, my husband is a complete fail in bed. When he started dating me, he had a very resentful porn addiction and a very hidden chauvinistic hatred against women.
He soon started feeling “smothered” by my needs for affection and sex. I’m no model but I’m clean, passionate, loving. My teeth, my breath are OK, I don’t have any illness down there (well, I DIDN’T have). Yet my husband told me I was “obsessive” about sex. We were not having that much sex! He wad plainly lazy and still hooked to watching porn, though even that he found gross. I don’t know if he’s really gay or what.
Day after day he rejected my needs not only sexually but as regards cuddling, love, affection. He didn’t even want to take pictures of me, or post some silly cute thing on Facebook. But he kept pictures of other women and did post on Facebook for other girls, so I know he was lying and just being gratuitously denying (once again) something that was important for me to exert over me his sick idea of control.
I can’t leave this man because of financial issues, although I have a good job yet unfortunately (as it often happens) very underpaid. I haven’t been called for anotanother job so I’m just stuck in this financial situation. Most obviously, he never helps at home and his only contribution to our marriage is money (and VERY little of it).
This man doesn’t want sex with me because he’s tired. But he never hides his fantasies for his girl friends and even was obsessed with one friend of mine. He told me we should arrange a threesome with her!!
Ok this has really paid its toll, and I’m not healthy down-there anymore. I don’t want to have sex with him, the very idea makes me sick. And in just a few years from perfectky healthy I have developed myomas as ovarian cysts. I know HE is to blame because he has vvery deeply hurt my sexuality by saying I was sex-starved.
Ok you know what? Now that I’m really sick is that he’s the happiest. Of course he’s not going to renounce to HIS sexuality, so as I cannot have sex with him (my vag is not working anymore), well I am to please him manually, because orally I tell him NO WAY. He even enjoys finishing over my body and lo! As if nothing had happened. Just masturbating to porn, only that the porn is my poor wounded self.
I am so angry I have forbidden him to even look at me without clothes on. I have told my mother, his mother (she almost killed him, she was utterly embarrassed) and even our local priest. I’m not letting him turn me into a lifeless porn poster for his better accommodation. And I want a divorce. No one has ever hurt me so deeply as this piece of s***. And I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from the sexual and emotional wounds.
We have been together for 15 years and we met in high school everything was great at first because everything was new we used to spend a lot of time making out and a lot of time together and then we got married and a house and then 5 years down the road we decided to have a baby and after the baby we lost our intimacy it was like he was jealous of the baby I was a breastfeeding mommy and their baby shared our bed my husband got to where he slept on the couch for the first and a half year and occasionally came to bed by the time night came around I was exhausted I did all the housework and took care of the baby all day long and my husband first until 7 at night we didn’t have any help from relatives an we lost touch I would be irritated at him for not helping with the housework or taking the garbage out I would hold these feelings against him and we maybe had sex three times the first year our baby was born and I knew this was hurting him I felt that sex was dirty I didn’t want any of the body fluids on me on the bed anywhere near my baby but we are finally back on track and things are looking up I just want the women to know that when you withhold sex R tell yourself that you’re just not in the mood you’ve got to quit lying to yourself because you’re hurting yourself your husband and marriage a lot of the times I could tell my husband was depressed and he didn’t care about doing anything around the house because he didn’t feel love he hated coming home we never fault or showed our anger but there was a sadness the joy in our marriage was gone and all I had to do was let things go open up to him and love him it’s that simple now I’m not saying that every marriage is the same I know some husbands have had affairs and have lied and it takes time to heal from that but if you have held sex from your husband to the point of him seeking it out elsewhere you need to come to truth and realize it could have been prevented and you just might have pushed him over the edge because men show love and feel loved through sex it’s what makes them feel love for us and if you’re not there for him then some other woman might be a good husband is hard to find so don’t let the little things add up and get heavy talk to each other tell each other we love each other show each other we love each other and the most important thing you can do is forgive really forgive also if you’re feeling stressed having sex is a great relief so just let loose and enjoy each other because there is no one else that can do that for you they should do that for you when you are married.
I’ve been completely used (for what i can provide) and neglected (intimately) by a wonderfully nice woman. Twenty years of near total celibacy. She’s a nice person. People love her. I love her. She’s pretty. I’m considered handsome. I want to experience sexual intimacy, she does not. I occasionally struggle so hard not to fantasize to feel that feeling we’re all designed to have. I’m so incredibly lonely on that level. I get really angry inside.
Tom, thank you. I have been married for 8 months and have at times felt just like you do. I feel rejected and hurt and unwanted and begin to question whether or not there is something wrong with me. You sir have helped inspire me not to give up hope and I have essentially just had a “NO! I will NOT let this go that way!” moment.
My wife and I are in our early twenties and she has some pretty bad body image issues but I can feel how much she loves me in spite of that. She hates herself but we have talked enough about it that she is beginning to let it go. A few nights ago I had a little comment turn into an awkward silence turn into a deep discussion turn into a kiss turn into a half hour that Hustler would have paid big money to film. That my friends it what happens at the intersection of love and lust. When husband and wife care about each other and there are no hormonal imbalances, (@Sarah, I implore you to have some bloodwork done if you haven’t already sister) love and lust become indistinguishable and I believe THAT is what God intended in a marriage.
I am a woman whose husband deliberately withholds sex or performs very quickly, under a minute, and does not care about my pleasure at all. The entire marriage lacks intimacy, any sharing of feelings. It is like we are brother and sister. He seems to enjoy seeing me unhappy. I am a vibrant attractive woman. This doesn’t just happen to husbands,being denied sexually and having sex deliberately withheld happens to wives too. I think he hates women, although he would never admit that. I can’t leave the marriage now, but will as soon as I am able. I would rather be alone than live like this. Most men have normal sex drives and welcome when their wives initiated or wants sex. He is a control freak and uses sex as another means to control me. He turned into a different person after marriage. Became controlling. I will never marry or trust a man again.
I have a slightly different angle that some may find similarity with.
Im a man with three children, married for 15 years and been partnered to her for 22years. When my wife found she was pregnant with the last child, she wanted a termination. That really spooked me as I could not live with that on my conscious. She was an emotion wreak during the pregnancy but thankfully kept the child and hes a little blessing and I adore him now probably somewhat more than the other two. Our intimacy has gone almost to zero now for 4 years. Its only when shes really hot does she approach me, and then is critical of my ability and chooses not to look at me. I know she masturbates a lot, we don’t sleep together any longer and use separate rooms but I can hear her doing it in the night. When we go on holidays she now takes her mother with us, and thats not as a baby sitter either. I feel angry at times, but that only makes it worse. I am successful in my job and network of peers, but my self esteem gets a kicking from her all the time. When I speak to here about it she says I am too focused on sex and therefore contact/ cuddling for me leads no-where so its avoided. I give her massage and she will the just walk away. I think the outcome is to just leave.
@Buck: You aren’t alone man. I’m in the same boat. I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years and we have two kids together. She hasn’t initiated sex in about 3 years and whenever I initiate it, she just shoots me down. She always has an excuse at the ready…her back hurts, her leg hurts, her hand hurts, she has a headache, her stomach feels weird, she’s too tired, she’d rather just watch tv, she just really wants to relax instead…etc. Like I said, always an excuse at the ready. She doesn’t work, but I don’t expect her to do everything around the house, so I help out where I can, but that doesn’t seem to prevent excuse after excuse whenever I initiate sex. She has turned me down so much that I don’t even bother anymore. She doesn’t seem to care either. After about 3-4 months of not having sex, she will ask ME what’s wrong with me and why I’m not trying anymore. I try to explain it and then she turns it around and says that I’m not understanding of her self-image issues. We eventually have sex, but then she’s more than happy to go into another 3-4 month lull before asking what’s wrong again….even though she has probably turned me down 10 or more times during that 3 or 4 months. I think it has affected me mentally too because I don’t desire sex nearly as much as I used to. I’m not happy by any means, but we have kids together, so it is what it is.
Just left a comment on article “5 things you need to know” so I won’t repeat that.
Your first few paragraphs acknowledge some valid, deep issues that need to be worked through. I would guess that a majority of sex frequency problems could be traced back to them. Have you ever been there? I have and am. You seem to imply that witholding sex is used as punishment in those situations. I’ll be very clear and honest. I’d LOVE to have phisical intimacy be a part of my healthy though imperfect growing relationship with my husband. Unfortunately, I live with a man who openly says he doesn’t want to have a relationship that requires relationship work on his part. “You’re not worth the work” is what he told me 3 days ago when I tried again to talk to him. He routinely exhibits disrespect, name-calling, silent treatment, bringing up past grievences to justify behavior, bad-mouthing me to friends and family behind my back, etc. I can’t get him to maintain eye contact. Yet he will tell anyone who will listen that he’s a great husband married to a vindictive woman who uses sex as a weapon.
As a nurse, I can tell you an infection needs a cure. The worst thing one can do is to take pain pills without treating the issue. Sex is like that pain pill- great only if used in conjunction with treatment. When one half of the marriage partnership refuses to take any accountability for their part in the problem, sex is useless in helping and only is emotionally hurtful to the wronged party. Generally, women are wired so that everything connects to everything else. Generally, men compartmentalize their emotions. That’s why they don’t always understand the connection between the relationship and the sex life. God never designed sex in marriage to be isolated from the relationship. Men’s need for sex does not outweigh women’s need for emotional connection. Each are commanded to look to meet the others need AT THE SAME TIME. Its not a matter of who goes first. When that is not done, the result will be damage to the relationship.
Stastically, one in 4 marriages IN THE CHURCH experience verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. Sex will never cure that. You’d do a service to all readers to spend more time discussing relationships and not just sex. P.S. you don’t need to suggest marriage counseling. We’ve been to several. My husband quits going when the counselor begins to hold him accountable.
@ Elizabeth
“You’d do a service to all readers to spend more time discussing relationships and not just sex.”
I think Julie discusses sexual intimacy within the context of the marriage relationship. Sadly, sex – or more accurately the withholding of sex – is used as a weapon in many marriages. Yes, the underlying emotional resentments need to be addressed. But, the continued frustration of a spouse’s sexual needs makes it very difficult to work through the other challenges in the marriage relationship. (If one or the other spouse continues to be a sexual refuser, that serves to intensify and deepen the resentment in her/his spouse.)
Sex is not a panacea, but while a couple are working through their issues sexual intimacy can be a positive for them and ought not be neglected. Men feel love through sex. Thus the wife who withholds sex is saying to her husband “I do not love you.” That is how her husband may interpret her refusal.
@Elizabeth,
What is the source for your statement “Stastically, one in 4 marriages IN THE CHURCH experience verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.”?
“Sex is not a panacea, but while a couple are working through their issues sexual intimacy can be a positive for them and ought not be neglected.”
I agree with Larry here. Only a fool would think that sex could make up for serious unresolved problems in a marriage. But sexual intimacy makes a man feel loved and appreciated. And when someone feels loved and appreciated, that person will do much more and try much harder to make a relationship work. It really is as simple as that.
“And when someone feels loved and appreciated, that person will do much more and try much harder to make a relationship work. It really is as simple as that.”
Not automatically. there are many selfish people out there, even inside the church presenting the perfect picture to the outside world.
Study the reality of domestic abuse. Many have spent years trying to live up to their spouse’s expectations and demands. Nothing will ever be good enough to a selfish mindset that is willing only to receive, not to give.
I just started withholding sex in a determined attempt to jump off the abusive cycle of 34 years. Once I did a flood of inner healing began. So really?
@rs… I am sorry for the pain you’ve been put through in your marriage.
You’ll notice in the fourth paragraph of my post, I say that he wants intimacy “to be met with the woman he married and loves.”
If your husband is abusing you, he does not love you. Abuse is not love. So this particular post wouldn’t apply in your situation.
I am saddened greatly that you have been abused and I pray your inner healing continues. I pray you have mature and faithful Christians who come along side you in that healing. You deserve to be treated with respect and honor, which is God’s vision for marriage.
My guess is that if your husband truly and authentically humbled himself, owned the damage he has done, asked for forgiveness and sought genuine healing of the relationship, including the hard and deep work required to truly heal, then my guess is that potentially you would be more open to intimacy.
But if your husband is an abuser, it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to be intimate with him.
My husband has been a control freak, over everything.. since the birth of our daughter 7 years ago. I was 8 weeks postpartum up every 2 hrs or more at night with a colicky infant, sleep deprived, on maternity leave and he said “You’re getting a free ride here”..that was it… I should have left him then, but stayed for the child…He only took off 3 days from work after she was born..He NEVER GOT UP in the middle of the night with child. I was working evening shift and came home at midnight to screaming crying child while he was watching tv blasting..?! He doesnt go to my family’s parties, doesn’t want me to make decisions on my own, doesn’t want me to food shop, he buys crap… ellios pizza type stuff. I go buy my own food for me and our child anyway. I pay for everything for our child, sports, activities, clothes etc.. He didn’t want to put my name on house bought 6 yrs ago…so I refused to pay any parts of house bill (hah free ride now). He refuses to let me paint ,or even let me buy furniture. The walls are beat up. There is an empty family room , its embarrassing. I don’t think we’ve had sex in years although I think it’s a dual hold out , and I don’t really care .I found this post while looking for divorce information..additionally, he’s never taken back that statement, and I will never forget it, Nor forgive him for it.
Although I have painted play room, kitchen and had a floor redone, without his permission and he totally freaks out…( Scaring the child.) So much that I calmly say wait a minute… I’m gonna video tape you having spaz fest and put on you tube..
He refuses counseling.
At this point, Its easier to divorce him than to sit around waiting for him to die. I wish on him nothing but death.
Unfortunately men have very different views of being rejected. My husband thinks that he is not getting enough sex and that I “always say no”. We have obligatory sex about twice a week. I will even go down on him often. I work part time, still bring home a nice paycheck, we have twin toddlers and a three year old. Can you say stressful and crazy. He won’t lift a finger to do any housework. He comes home and ignores his family while surfing the Internet or watching some lame tv show. I’m expected to do it all. Then he says he is tired of being rejected when he asks me for sex constantly. Sometimes every hour. Not to mention the way he asks me. Like “I’ll take out the garbage if I get some” What happened to helping, what happened to the romance? Sex is the biggest issue in or marriage and neither of us can fix it. His expectations of me are too much and my expectations of a husband that helps and tries to be “present” in our house are never met. I sometimes will go days without even talking to him because I just don’t want to deal him in general. I’m ignored when I speak half the time anyway. What am I supposed do?? I take care of the house, the kids, bring in good money, and am just completely exhausted, like almost can’t make it up the stairs at night tired. And he expects me to dress up, be super into it, and have this crazy sex that will last 2 minutes if I’m lucky and never allows me any true pleasure. Tell me please what I am doing wrong here?? I would love to initiate sex, but I am truly exhausted from doing everything, it doesn’t feel that great, and I don’t feel that connection with him.
@a wife, that was once nice — I think your marriage is struggling with many issues and sex is probably the least of them. He sounds emotionally abusive, and I would encourage you to find a safe trusted woman you could confide in to help you navigate what you should do. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve been through and continue to go through. Consider looking into the book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick.
@Nicole — your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I don’t think this is an issue of you doing something wrong. I think your husband is being selfish and careless with his marriage. If I were you, I would tell him you want the two of you to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, I encourage you to get counseling on your own. If you can’t afford professional counseling, I encourage you to find 1-2 safe and mature female friends who will give you solid insight on what to do.
Consider looking into the book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick.
Stopping having sex with your spouse is the animal thing to do. It’s called the Coolidge effect.
Lab rats breed abundantly when first mated, then taper off to no sex at all. Sound familiar? For “proper” Christians that don’t have sex until marriage, it’s almost identical in sexless marriages.
Introduce a new rat and the breeding flourishes again.
Human beings, overcoming animal instincts, are expected to continue intimacy past the point where mere physical desire forces desire upon bodies. Being “in the mood” is an animal thing. Taking initiative to demonstrate affection and placing value on your spouse by communicating the realization of their desirability? That is a cerebral, mental exercise. If it isn’t electrifying like infatuation, that’s not surprising.
As for those chiding men for “taking it for granted”, common marriage vows have husbands “forsaking all others” until death.
The word “others” is operative. (S)he makes no pledge to forsake all intimacy. Frustrated wives are out there, of course.
A man who has no hope of ever physically connectign with a loved one again has a word: “inmate”/ Sure, prisoners have no right to sex and much of that is by design. Prison is punishment. What crime did a married man or woman commit to be forbidden sex until dying?
What signal does that send to those fearful of marriage because of commitment? How is that commitment NOT to be feared knowing this plague of sexlessness is common?
The sanctimonious indifference to those desiring sex and hopeless to obtain it would be horrific if it involved food or water. Because you don’t die without it, removal of bodily cravings is okay?
You don’t die after fasting for three days either, but if a husband wasn’t hungry any more frequently than that and accused the wife of being an animal who thought only of food we’d find it psychotic. Something was “off” about him.
Yet, husbands and wives who ignore their spouse’s wishes for sex for months on end describe themselves as normal though. Okay, believe that if you want.
she has been saying im working on it im ashamed of my body but eat 35 boxes of cereal in in 30 days 4/5 gallons of ice cream no excersice and i still love her and want her im cant take this no longer and its been 5 years kids are gone and im on the way also and then it will be my fault she is colder then an iceburg in alaska
I use to love sex mostly because we were connected and did so much together outside of the home. However my husband now plays video games for hours at a time, shows no interest in me unless he wants sex and does nothing outside of the house with me anymore. As Friday rolls around instead of finding something to do together outside the house (I’m sick of watching movies too) he tells me “you should go out……you should go visit a friend”. He claims it’s because he knows I need to unwind but I know it’s so he can game in peace. He will give me a hug or whatever daily and he tells me he loves me but questions why I seem uninterested in affection or sex. It’s MY FAULT we aren’t intimate!!! He doesn’t get it and when I bring up his gaming addiction he gets defensive and its either an arguement or I walk away frustrated because he doesn’t see the problem. This is the challenge for me because cause I want more then just sex occasionally when he is into it. I could care less about sex because there is officially no common interests anymore so how do I just agree to sex when I feel no connection? No stimulation? I feel it’s become all about him getting pleased and I mean nothing. How can I be sexually attracted to someone who does NOTHING with me outside of the house…..like can’t even get him out for a walk. I go to bed most nights alone as he is gaming but then he wants to wake me up to “fool around” after I’ve been asleep. I’m at a loss……my disinterest in sex is because of his disinterest in me. I’m a gamer widow…..I’m a lonely married woman.
My wife isn’t interested at all in sex, she makes every excuse in the book. I try and kiss her, she will push me away, saying something like lI’ve got bad breath, you’ve just eaten, no matter what time of the day always something. I thought I would buy her gifts, nothing really changed. She doesn’t dress sexy always goes to sleep before I get to bed. We have a great life with two girls, but lacking in the sex department is killing our relationship. We have been together since we were 18 now 35. I don’t want to cheat or break up the family, but it’s driving me crazy. What can I do?
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve spent the better part of the past few years trying to become a better man in the hopes of turning things around but nothing seems to work. I was addicted to video games and porn and kicked both habits years ago. I lost 50 pounds and exercise multiple times a week. I no longer complain about my job and make a serious attempt to come home stress-free every night. I’ve dealt with my headspace and became a better man, husband and father… and it’s still all for naught.
I went through a massive self-reconstruction program to make myself more attractive on every level, but nothing changed. I’m more reliable. I’ve always been an excellent provider.
We’ve had our fair share of long talks about my frustration but nothing seems to change. She has absolutely no sex drive whatsoever and has explicitly said that she’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with her. Quite frankly, I wish it actually was my problem because then I could address it. I actually dreamt one night that she broke down in tears and told me what the problem was so I could fix it. I actually fantasize about my wife telling me how and why I’m unattractive so I can actually build a plan to address it. But, it’s a fantasy because I’ve eliminated every possibility at this point. I wish it were me, but it doesn’t seem like it is because nothing I try works.
I don’t know if she wanted a roommate agreement instead of a marriage. But, I’m pretty much at the breaking point. I use coping mechanisms like crazy to try and deal with my despair but I am running out of energy and hope and just don’t know what to do at this point. Meditation doesn’t seem to work in any long-term fashion. Prayer is the same; it wipes away the issue for a short while but the underlying problem just re-manifests itself because we’re not having sex. Exercise has the same effect too, with at least the added benefit of getting into better shape.
I’ve tried giving her space. I’ve tried smothering her in non-physical affection. I’ve tried dumping endless buckets of affirmation upon her. I’ve tried gifts. I’ve tried measured amounts of each of the five Love Languages, in a blind effort to see if there was a magical correct cocktail that could be concocted with the right proportions of each. All to no avail.
I’ve offered to remake myself into whatever her ideal man is. I’ll move to the country and start growing things on a farm. I’ll quit my job and hunt for food in the woods. I’ll buy a different house or car or whatever. I’ll grow a beard or shave my head. I’ll get a tattoo. I’ll join an over-40 hockey league so she an watch me pound into other guys. I’ll buy a horse and walk around with a cowboy hat and boots. I’ll turn myself into Christian Grey. Or even Batman for crying out loud.
I’m smart. I’m funny. I’m great with kids. I’m in really good shape now. I’m not a troll. I’ve researched sexual technique so much at this point I could probably give classes. I listen attentively. I do more than my fair share around the house even though my work hours are longer than hers.
The truly sad part is she makes me feel so loved, happy and while in every other way possible. But, without sex… it just drowns every other great quality away and leaves me feeling empty and worthless. It’s gotten to the point of where I don’t believe I could find anyone else even if our marriage did end. I’ve lost virtually all confidence in myself and have internalized the idea that I just am repulsive, in some way that I can’t determine or define and thus cannot fix. I feel like I must be cursed, or something.
It’s hopeless…
I have been looking for solutions for quite some time: get in shape, take care of family and responsibilities without having to be asked anything, because that is what my wife many other wives have commented to me directly. My wife doesn’t work we have two kids in school.
My wife is simply not attracted to me and displays zero response to me my playfulness or anything amorous. Kissing is absolutely forbidden. She actually shrinks away in disgust should I reach out for her. She like many other commenters comment, has a million excuses. Sorry, if you don’t like it there is the door. Of course it’s more than a woman enjoying making out with hot guy that her body tells her she must procreate with, but many women function on that biological imperative only, as do men who have a physical need to sow our seed continuously.
These single married women just didn’t have the right upbringing by healthy parents or were somehow broken by traumatic circumstances. I’m sure the problems are more prevalent in uneducated or women who understand themselves and the world poorly. If my tone sounds frustrated, I am. No huggy no kissy, no dancing, no joking around with this humorless woman. I can hear her on her balcony talking on the phone this late Sunday evening, usually talking with some woman friend with no husband. I guess I’ll have to pretend she’ll come to my bed without her “armor”. I don’t remember seeing her naked or dressed.. provocatively for me ever! It’s obvious that she is not into me. Married many years. Alcohol is sometimes effective a few times a year.
I would really like to expose this fraud who claims she is totally cool and down with her husband. I am stuck. There are opportunities that I can take to be with another woman women who enjoy a healthy frolic.
I warn my children not to awaken love before it’s time, because if you get stuck with a damaged woman I. This department, you will be miserable and likely damage generations of children. That’s why I try to continue being a loving Christian husband to my cold fish of a wife.
Funny, I came here because my husband won’t have sex. He won’t talk about why, he won’t go to the dr, he won’t see a counselor together or alone, he just goes to work, comes home, drinks all night, and goes to bed. I ask him how he’s feeling, what we can do together to work on it, if there’s anything about me that’s bothering him, and I ask him to get help. Nope.
This selfish cold woman thing is a stereotype. More and more men are becoming the ones to fit this role. We need to look at a man and woman’s unique make individually, but we also need to look at this as something built out of either a health concern or selfishness that has nothing to do with gender. Men and women are not mind readers. The person who refuses to discuss it has some work to do in their hearts, but also be aware if a person is feeling chronically ill or low self esteem or whatever the issue, may not feel keen to talk about it. Be supportive, not accusatory. Speak truth with love. Ask them to work on things with you, find what makes you both comfortable.
If that doesn’t work, such as in my marriage, you may just need to decide whether to move on or live without sex.
As I read the main article I felt a great deal of relief. I have been made feel like my desire is the problem. That things in the past is what the problem is. Headache, self image, fatigue, our kids, stress And on And on and on.
I am in the process of looking into what God says about a woman witholding themselves from their husband. I am a bit conflicted because, in truth, I don’t desire obligatory sex. Sex is one of the most intimate ways one person can share themselves with the other. In love, sharing that special connection should not seem obligatory.
I am a practicing Christian, which means that God is my head. And I usually go to Him for all of my answers and direction.
I read another article this morning on the topic being discussed here. One thing I found to be certain, woman or man. In this context, denying sex to your spouse flings the door wide open for satan to enter in and divide and conquer your family.
Ladies, believe it or not, many men view sex as one of the major ways a wife can show her love to him. If sex is not happening, we first wonder, who is getting it if we arent? We feel like you do not really love us. And if you say it fifty times in a day, “no you don’t” or “if you love me why are we not intimate?” runs through our mind.
I can only speak for myself here. I do most of what my wife asks in efforts to prove to her that I love her. But am growing increasingly resentful of her because in my mind I am doing what she says it takes to make her feel loved yet, the thing that I verbalize as being what makes me feel special is shrugged off as being inconsequential.
The question asked in the original article, “Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?”
I fit every statement. And feel really bad that it is how I feel. I pray for forgiveness and do all I can to get the thoughts out of my head, but they soon return.
I know that it is Satan attempting to pull me away from my vows. And not just me, but all men going through this. All I desire is to have a secure, committed, caring relationship with my wife where we both can enjoy each other and our lives are free from this temptation.
I guess the question begs to be answered here is how much do you love your husband or wife? And then the big question, how much do you love God? Because ultimately it is Him you have the problem with by withholding something that can and will jeopardize your solemn vows to each other in an institution that He Himself sanctified. Marriage.
I wish I had the answers. Because if I did I would not be in my second month without sex which is a common occurance. I am not going to ask for it either. I’ve gotten tired of the rejection. And will continue to grow more and more distant from my wife because of it. I’m tired of it being said that sex is all I think of.
I will continue to uphold my vows made to her before God and man. I will raise my children to be strong and to make sure they put others needs before their own. A concept that is frowned on in today’s world, but pleasing in God’s sight. And keep praying that God has mercy on those who routinely disregard His command to not cause a brother or sister to stumble.
Married 10 years to a beautiful, vivacious, intelligent, talented woman whom I love very much. We both work full time. We split chores and cooking basically 50/50 (that took some time, but I gradually stepped up to the plate when she informed me that she would have more energy for sex if I helped out around the house; that’s not the case). We have 2 children, 9 and 7 years old. We split taking care of the kids fairly evenly. Before the kids were born, we made passionate love 2-3x a week, she wore sexy lingerie, it was very exciting. After kids, sex eased down to about 2 x a month, but she still seemed engaged. The sexy lingerie went away because she no longer feels attractive, even though I think she is more beautiful every day and constantly tell her so. The sex gradually became routine to the point of boredom. Very vanilla, very mundane. We’re down to about 1 x a month and only when she wants to, and even then I have to practically beg and plead for it. We get along well, except for money and sex we rarely fight. Frankly, I’m getting tired of asking for sex and wish she would initiate at least once in a while. I’m at the point where I’d rather deal with the lack of sex than the stress of trying to have it in the first place.
Women who withhold sex suffer from low self-esteem and they deem their vagina their only valuable attribute. When they can’t shake their low self-esteem issues through exercise, reading, hobbies, socializing (due in large part to their inability to do anything consistently) they are left to hold sex as a weapon and a tool. What almost never gets talked about is the idea that withholding sex is a form of mental abuse! Women will always get a pass on this. When a woman does this it completely shreds a man’s soul and he is left to feel abandoned begins to question his manhood and vitality. My wife of 20 years was once a jovial sexy outgoing person. As the years have passed her self-esteem has gone away and she now is resentful and bitter. I get rejected every day without fail, despite being the bread winner, laundry doer, homework facilitator, grocery shopper, and a whole host of other tasks. She curls up on the couch and loses herself in her word games via her smart phone. If an attempt is made to kiss or hug her, I’m like the plague or I’m deemed the pervert.
Women are highly manipulative and I’ve realized I’ve been exploited for resources and utility. My story is common as I have read all the comments on here and find myself not alone. The bottom line (for me) is women simply do not have the capacity to love and sustain a marriage. They don’t know how to hold up their end of the relationship and this is why men cheat and families are destroyed. They don’t believe in accountability and have no concept of what it takes as a man to provide for the family and the fuel (love and intimacy) that we need to keep going so they are comfortable and safe.
@Starved Hubby I hurt for you as I read your comments. I don’t fit the picture you paint. I withheld sex not as a way to hurt or punish my husband but as a way of protecting myself. I felt trapped in my marriage and sex made me feel terrible. I went through months of painful, frightening, exhausting counseling to address that.
I have always been the primary wage earner and benefits provider and therefore DO know what it takes to provide for our household. I work three jobs so my husband can do the work he enjoys and avoid doing work he does not enjoy.
When we have sex, I don’t think of it as “holding up MY end of the relationship.” Sex is a “we” activity, done out of love and respect, not out of obligation. My husband does not earn sex by mowing the lawn or taking out the trash.
Yet I relate to feeling like you are doing all the heavy lifting. I remember a day when I confided to my husband that I was struggling with the truth that no matter how much money I earned, how much weight I lost, how much sex we had, he had no intentions of getting sober. You have my prayers.
John Wayne
I deploy in 1 week, and nothing from my wife! She tells me my deployments are vacation and time out at sea it a cake walk (she has never stepped foot outside of a building). Yet I’m an a-hole sadistic nympho because I desire intimacy! Now I have had faults, plenty. But I believe we both have wronged equally. We have 2 kids and my wife has initiated sex 2 times in 2 years, but who’s counting. I guess I’m a pig for wanting to be alone, a sin for desiring sex 1 time a month,and a good for nothing g father because I spend all my time with Uncle Sam, not by choice. My welcome homes are take the baby, why don’t you get groceries, have you taken out the trash, why are you still in your uniform sitting down, your so crazy when your tired (after being up since 1am with and M16 and Kevlar vest).
Please help me because I can’t see myself without her, but I just can’t see myself with her
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I love my husband and he loves me. I was just raised in a family that delved to work, while he grew up in one that was all touchy feely. When I work from home, he wants a hug every 5-15 minutes…I am so not joking on the interval. We have sex 2-4 times a week and He swears I’m killing him, I don’t love him, I make him feel bad about himself. I work and he’s a stay at home dad, which totally cool. No issues there. We’re happy with our arrangement , but I am often tired after 10 hours+ of work, then need to work out to stay slim, help with the kids so he can have a break, do my chores, shower, iron my clothes for the next day, and maybe get 30-60 minutes on the internet to buy stuff on Amazon for the family, plan vacations, look for new contracts for my consulting business. By then it is 11pm or later, I get up at 4:30 and he swears I have been putting him off. So I say, let’s plan for 3 days a week at a set time, and I’ll make sure I am there with bells on. He doesn’t like the idea of scheduling because it isn’t spontaneous enough, but I need the time to let go from work and decompress. I can’t get him to compromise, and if I don’t give in he feels unwanted. Sigh. I’m not sure which one of us is going to break first, but I am feeling like am treated unfairly. Most of you guys are talking about sex once a month or less. We seriously have sex a dozen or more times a month and other than the way we approach this issue sex is great (truly no complaints), but it is taking its toll that he is not giving me time to relax. I am super Type A. I run all day until I collapse into bed and fall right to sleep. I have been like that since I was a kid. If you want me relaxed and awake, I need time to make it so. Seriously how hard can that be?
John – I’ve not served, but I do a ton of work alongside folks who have.
I also have talked – a lot – to some Navy chaplains. All of whom are deeply caring guys, who are easy to talk to. They are also deeply concerned about helping folks find a way to have health marriages. If you haven’t done so, I’d encourage you talk to a chaplain assigned to your ship/unit. Its a place to start, but of course not the whole answer by any stretch of the imagination.
What I do not see discussed (here or anywhere actuallY) concerning a sex-starved relationship is the issue of people who have HUGE problems with intimacy. I mean psychologically and emotionally.
I have a wife who is an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic). She has numerous characteristics of it and her childhood wasn’t half as bad as some people who grew up in those alcoholic (or addict of any kind) families. It’s bad enough though. I see the effects in her ENTIRE life. But most especially our relationship. She is basically a “child” emotionally. I’m about 99.9% convinced that she will never grow up that way. Period. She has gone to group therapy too. And made numerous strides. But she basically won’t progress beyond this point.
To be honest it downright SUCKS for me. And I do mean SUCKS!! I have a wife who honestly does not have ability to have a true intimate relationship. I don’t mean “sex”. I mean INTIMACY. We have sex literally 10% of the time I would want. Often less than that. That’s bad enough. While it’s good physically, there’s no “real” emotional, and intimate connection with her. I put my heart on the table so to speak, but it goes nowhere. I have stayed in the relationship because honestly I was scared to death how my kids would turn out if I was only around 1/2 the time. I’m coming to the end of that soon. I can see the hand-writing on the wall. When all the kids are gone and living their lives as adults, it’s going to be a disaster trying to have a “real” relationship with her.
I can not tell you how many conversations I’ve had with her about this over the years. I’ve tried every tactic you can think of. I’ve read DOZENS of books and educated myself on what it’s like on her end. I’ve been as patient as anyone could be. And Sometimes things would get better for like maybe 2 weeks. Then it’s simply the same old same old. I gave up trying now and just try to manage my own emotions about it. Don’t always do a good job of it to be honest as the frustration and anger grow larger every day.
Look I am a good guy who gives more than he takes. Not a doormat, not a codependent, just a natural giver. I don’t have a problem with that. ALL I ask for in return is love and loyalty. I laugh at some of the people and stories I read about husbands who don’t do shit besides work, or don’t help with this or that. Or the best ones are the articles telling guys that if they help the wife around the house more, maybe she will give it up more. That’s a sad, pathetic joke in my world. I do probably 70% of the “stuff” it takes to run a home and family (and I’m being conservative with that number).
The point is that I do it and ALL I want back from my wife is love. Physical love too of course. It doesn’t happen. Frustration, Anger, Resentment, Sorrow, Pain, Hurt…They are my friends in this relationship. Sad but true. I know this…If and When I decide to walk away, I will do so with a CLEAN CONSCIENCE. While I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I’ve also given ALL I HAVE.
Some people are not reachable. That’s just the bottom line. I’m will be quitting soon. I can see it coming. Not yet ready for all the pain and heart ache that will come about because of that, but it’s necessary for the long term, to have a REAL relationship with someone that love me, not just what I do or say, but ME. I don’t need perfection, just effort.