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My husband and I have had some okay sex and some great sex.
And there are times we have had phenomenal sex — the kind of sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure that leaves you breathless and craving for more.
I know this won’t surprise you (because you are married, after all), but all sexual encounters in a marriage are not created equal. Sure, I wish it could be off the charts every time (who wouldn’t wish that?), but I’m a realist.
I live in the real world. I have a real marriage.
There have been times when my husband and I have lacksidaisically headed toward sex, and we just know. A few minutes in. And we know. “Yeah. This isn’t going to wow either of us.”
But it’s worth noting that because all sexual encounters are not created equal, I have developed an eagle eye (and heart) for what does make for phenomenal sex between me and my husband. And I don’t want to keep all that great information to myself!
Don’t get me wrong. I like a quickie every now and then. It can be kind of sexy.
And if the quickie is happening at a time when you wouldn’t normally be having sex (or better yet, in a place where you normally wouldn’t be having sex), then let’s hear it for the quickie.
But phenomenal sex probably shows up more frequently when there is ample time. Time for extended foreplay. Time to pay attention to the nuances of lovemaking and sexual pleasure and orgasm. Time to accelerate and decelerate in an ebb and flow that intensifies the anticipation and sexual arousal.
If your life is anything like ours (full, chaotic, messy), then carving out that time isn’t going to happen by chance. You have to protect time for extended lovemaking.
Sure, lots can go into creating the right setting (privacy, comfortable bed or couch, a room that’s not too cold or too hot), but if you haven’t allowed for time, then the setting alone won’t get you there.
I’m well beyond being a super energetic 20-something, and my husband is four years further beyond where I am. So suffice to say, energy levels do play a role in how great the sex is going to be.
One thing that can help ensure you have energy is to communicate about your desires to make love — long before you actually will be making love.
When we get on the same page early in the day, it compels us to prepare our hearts and even our bodies in the way we conserve energy throughout the day. More energy = Better sex. Especially if you aren’t a 20-something who seems to have energy reserves socked away like packets of hot sauce from the taco place.
More energy = Better sex.
Heavy meals and too much alcohol make us sleepy. I say this point is a game-changer, because too often we assume phenomenal sex is going to be the natural progression after a romantic dinner (particularly a romantic dinner out).
But when we go out, what do we typically do? Eat portions and maybe even foods we normally wouldn’t fill up on at home.
“Of course, Mr. Waiter, I would love the twice-baked loaded potato, the 16-oz ribeye, the Caesar salad, green beans with bacon, and some of that homemade cheesecake drizzled with half a jar of caramel sauce. But first let’s start with a loaf of homemade warm bread slathered with honey butter.”
As for alcohol, I’m a fan in moderation. I mean, for Heaven’s sake, there is good craft beer on every corner. And even bourbon has become trendy with its various flavors. But I’m not naive to what alcohol can do to a body.
Alcohol is a depressant, after all, so it’s not exactly in alcohol’s wheelhouse to make us better lovers. Maybe more uninhibited lovers, yes, but if you’re playing the long game on phenomenal sex, too much alcohol will ultimately have its say as to how the evening is going to play out. And you might not like what it has to say.
By all means, enjoy a meal and a glass of wine or beer (if you choose to drink), but remember that moderation is your friend if you want to get busy beneath the sheets later. Whether you are eating out or eating in, make wise choices on food and drink.
Pay attention to arousing your spouse. I know, I know. You long ago figured out what works in lovemaking in your marriage. But why not take a little time to explore their body, try out a few new touches and techniques, ask them what feels good.
My experience has been that intentional foreplay segues quite smoothly into phenomenal sex. The foundation has been laid, so to speak.
Okay, maybe this is just me, but I think the freedom to be expressive about what feels good intensifies everything that feels good. I don’t exactly want to whisper that. It’s better when I can be loud.
And maybe it doesn’t do much for you to be loud per se. But are you able to at least verbally say something feels good — uninhibitedly letting go and saying the words in that moment, even if the volume is kept at a normal level?
What about saying your spouse’s name when you come? Or telling your spouse what you’re going to do to them sexually?
When you and your spouse express yourselves (with words or groans of pleasure) during lovemaking, it can be quite enticing. Hot. Sexy. Passionate. It can put average sex on the fast track to phenomenal sex.
While we are on a roll, I will add three bonus ideas that lend themselves well to phenomenal sex.
Bonus Idea: Come to bed clean. Showering together as part of foreplay can be quite arousing, but if that’s not possible, then each of you find ways to freshen up, smell good, have fresh breath. You get the idea.
Bonus Idea: Show and tell. Yes, show and tell what you need sexually to climax and to feel loved when you’re making love. A husband and wife rarely will have phenomenal sex if they don’t amp up their communication skills.
Bonus Idea: Take time to linger after lovemaking. There is something about being completely spent physically and sexually, laying there in each other’s arms, naked emotionally and physically (and secure at the same time). That’s sacred ground — those moments after lovemaking. Don’t let them disappear too quickly.
4 Devastating Assumptions About Sex In Marriage (many great links in this post)
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