Category: Uncategorized

November 21st, 2015 by Julie Sibert


1. Wait. wait. wait. And everything will instantly be great, great, great.

5-lies-christians-spread-about-sexOh man.

There are young people who hold up their end of the biblical bargain by maintaining their purity, only to discover on the wedding night that they kind have been duped.

Not by God.

But by other Christians.

I know, the lie wasn't malicious.  But nothing good comes from painting a sweeping generalization that from the wedding night forward, sex will instantly be amazing.

Yet, that is what we tend to do.

We scream purity from the rooftops, but are conspicuously vague about sex in marriage. We offer up these polished promises that sex as a married couple will be a flawless blend of ease, tenderness, romance and pleasure.

It will look like every romantic chick flick they have ever seen.

Then -- in what must feel like a shocking turn of events -- many freshly-married couples close the door of the wedding night suite, only to find everything but sexual bliss.

Instead, they find themselves trying to soldier on through sexual awkwardness, confusion and disillusionment (and maybe even pain).

"THIS looks nothing like the movie," they silently ponder to themselves.

As a body of believers, we simply have to stop lying to these young couples. We have to help them understand that building phenomenal and mutually-valued sexual intimacy in their marriage takes effort.

And patience. And communication. And a willingness to pursue and learn how to bring each other indescribable pleasure.

I'm all for purity for singles (it is, after all, God's clear plan).

But for Christ's sake, can we please give some equal air time to how to enjoy great sex once they are married!?

Seriously, when I say for Christ's sake, I literally mean it.

Because I think He would really appreciate it if we didn't set these couples up for major disappointment at the very time when they have full privilege and permission to unabashedly learn how to enjoy each other beneath the sheets.

Things can be great, great, great after the wait, wait, wait.  But not if we don't teach them how to make things great.

2. Your past sexual encounters will destroy sex in your marriage.

Okay, I know that some most Christians come to the altar without their purity pledge perfectly upheld.

Why is it, though, that sexual sin gets relegated into its own category, where forgiveness seems more like quasi-forgiveness?

This is a big stumbling block, particularly for women. They think that their past sexual promiscuity is something beyond the reach of Christ's blood. That God will "sorta" forgive them. But not really.

So they head into marriage suspecting that their "punishment" will be mediocre or difficult sex going forward.  When sexual struggle do arise, they only take that as confirmation -- rather than motivation to set in place healthy patterns.

Or they think that everything they did sexually before marriage is now off limits. But just because something is sin in one context does not inherently make it sin in another context. (Oral sex, for example. Sin before marriage. Completely acceptable after marriage, in my opinion).

We need to let go of shaming people for their sexual past. And we need to proactively show people why they should stop shaming themselves.

3. Sex is just for the husband.

I don't even know how this lie got started, seeing how God Himself came up with the clitoris.  The clitoris serves no other purpose but sexual pleasure in a woman. No other purpose, people.

So it should be obvious that sex is for the wife too, right? I mean, I know sex isn't just about the pleasure, but seriously -- we can't really talk ourselves around how God is fanatically generous in His design of sexual pleasure for both a husband and a wife.

And if we unpack one of the most direct scriptures about sex (1 Corinthians 7), we see crystal clear encouragement that neither a husband nor a wife are to withhold their body from the other.

Can you picture it?  Paul is writing to the folks in Corinth.

And he's basically saying, "Hey you -- yeah, you Joe. If your wife wants to get naked with you, you gotta do it man. Enjoy it. Enthusiastically say yes to her as often as possible!  In fact, you should only go without sex if you two have decided to go deep in prayer.  But even then, don't let praying keep you from each other for very long. That would put a huge damper on things. Not good Joe. Not good for you or the Mrs. or your family or this whole town."

Okay, I might be paraphrasing a bit.

But suffice to say, sex is not just for the husband. It's for the wife too.

4.  We can't talk about sex. That's private.

Yes, sex is an exclusive act between a husband and a wife.  I'm not lobbying for ripping off the proverbial filters and everyone start talking about the details of their sexual encounters. We need discernment.

BUT, what I am advocating is that we stop skirting around genuine dialogue.

We have got to get more comfortable as a body of believers talking about enjoying sex in marriage, facing and overcoming struggles, and heralding God's truth about sex.

And I don't mean only talking about it for 20 minutes in pre-marriage counseling.  And then staying eerily silent until a marriage is about to fall apart.

Sexual intimacy is an aspect of marriage where couples often need the most guidance and biblical truth, yet the church is clumsily vague at best and painfully silent at worst. And by church, I don't just mean the preachers, because we all are the church.

Take up the cause. Buy a t-shirt. Wave a banner. Start talking about sex.

Churches across the country should be having annual or semi-annual multi-week sessions about nurturing sexual intimacy.  Kind of like Dave Ramsey classes. Only for sex. (Better yet, offer both! Talk about money one week and sex the next. That would make for interesting pillow conversation).

5. Raw uninhibited sexual pleasure is wrong, even in a marriage.

I hate this lie. Probably because I like sex so much.

I think this lie is the worst one, perpetuated by too many Christians who are robbing themselves and their spouses of fully enjoying all God has to offer them sexually.

And before you think I'm talking only about physical pleasure during sex, I'm also referring to a nakedness that is fuel for uninhibited passion -- the bearing of our souls, you might say.

Within the exclusivity of marriage, a husband and wife have tremendous freedom to seek and share the most intimate of experiences -- their feelings, desires, vulnerabilities, and sexual expression.

The covenant of marriage isn't just well suited for raw uninhibited sexual pleasure, it's perfectly designed for it.

Hmmm. I wonder Whose idea that was.

Often, these lies make me want to freak out speak truth.

Truth will ultimately win in the end. I know.

But can we aim for sooner than that?

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, orgasm, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,

sexually selfish wife
November 17th, 2015 by Julie Sibert

sexually selfish wifeRecently, I wrote about sexually selfish husbands, and it's only fair I give equal voice to the reality there are some sexually selfish wives too.

You might be a selfish wife sexually if...

(1)  You see sex as something he has to earn.

This can show up in a variety of ways.

Maybe you subconsciously tell yourself, "If he does such-and-such, then I'll give him sex."  Or maybe you come right out and say something along those lines to him.

Sex becomes a bartering tool, a scorecard of "you do this" and "I'll do that."

In particularly malicious scenarios, you may manipulate the game the opposite way.  You punish him by withholding sex.

Painful damage comes from reducing sex in a marriage to mere commodity, where one person is always in the position of having to "earn" it.  There's nothing in God's Word that would support this kind of arrangement.

If anything, 1 Corinthians 7 gives us a selfless picture of a husband and a wife offering their bodies to each other freely, rather than turning it all into a transaction.   We could even go so far as to say that when you make sex something your husband has to "earn," you have prostituted yourself. In your own marriage.

And God has pa-lenty to say about prostitution.

(2)  You are never willing to try something new.

God gives a husband and wife tremendous freedom in the marriage bed to exclusively enjoy one another.  Go God!  This is one of the sweet privileges of marriage -- you can enjoy 31 flavors of sex, so to speak.

Sadly, too many wives are steadfast on having only vanilla on the menu.

Hey, I'm not saying vanilla is bad (every marriage needs a bit of vanilla sex).  But vanilla every time?

Sounds boring.

It is no wonder that many husbands want some sexual variety.  Variety that is exclusive, mutually valued and acceptable in God's eyes is not only possible, it is what some married couples pursue with passion and love.

Here is a post I wrote with 3 ideas to spice up your lovemaking.

(3)  You make sexual promises you never intend to keep.

This is actually a big complaint I hear from husbands.  Their wives either tease sexually or promise sex "soon" -- but then rarely follow through.

Some guys even describe this as a mild form of torture, like setting an ice cold glass of water in front of a man who has been crawling around in the desert. But he never actually gets the water.

He just has to stare at it.  Wonder what it would be like to enjoy it.

(I had one man email me this lengthy analogy that sex deprivation in his marriage was like being a starving man chained to a bed in a bakery, but he never gets any bread. He is forced to constantly see the baker baking the bread and smell the bread. But he never gets even a morsel.)

Anyway, I think you get the picture.

The other problem with making sexual promises that you don't keep is that it fuels distrust in the very relationship where you need trust the most.

It causes division, not unity. If your husband doubts your sincerity in sexual availability, he likely doubts your sincerity in other aspects of love -- even if he would never speak those reservations out loud.

(4)  You're not willing to understand what sex means to him.

So many women assume that sex is just sex for a man -- it's just a release and intense sexual pleasure, but it doesn't have much to do with an emotional or spiritual connection.

Wrong.  Especially for the majority of husbands I hear from.  Sex isn't just sex. Some husbands are so pained by their wives not understanding the significance of sex that they have asked God to take their sex drive away (interesting post on that here).

If you have used wide brush strokes to paint your husband into a corner, stereotyping him as nothing more than an animal bent on simply responding to his sexual urges, you have not been fair to the man you love.

(5) You think every sexual request he makes is rooted in porn.

Before you think I don't recognize that porn has caused huge devastation to marriages, please remember that I do blog about sex.  I hear about and read about many circumstances where porn has in some cases destroyed marriages.


We have to be careful in thinking that particular sex acts or positions are inherently wrong simply because they also appear in pornography.  Yes, you need to search God's Word and your hearts.  No, it's not okay for one spouse to force another spouse to do something or to hurt their spouse, all in the name of sexual pleasure.

But there are a lot of married couples enjoying different positions, oral sex, sex toys, etc. In those situations, pornography is not at the root of that enjoyment.

(6) You just go through the motions but never really show up.

If I had a buck every time I hear from a husband who says that he doesn't just want her body, he wants her, I'd be a rich woman.

If your husband is like most, when you offer him obligatory sex or you just treat it all like a big chore to check off your list, he is dying a bit on the inside. (I wrote a popular post about that here).

Some wives may say, "Well, what's it really matter any way? He can't tell whether I'm into it or not.  I fake it."  Regardless of whether he is on to your ruse, faking orgasm is not good for you or your marriage.

In looking back over the above examples of selfishness, do you see any where you can begin to be a little less selfish?

Baby steps count.  Take enough baby steps toward nurtured sexual intimacy and you'll be astonished at what it does for your marriage.

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in body image, marriage problems, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

sexually selfish husband
November 16th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


sexually selfish husbandOh my, I can already hear the laments on this one about how you aren't selfish.

And maybe you aren't one of those sexually selfish husbands, and this post doesn't apply to you.

But there are some out there.  And maybe you are one.

Yes, there are some wives who are sexually selfish too. I wrote about them here.

Before you read the post on wives, here's something worth pondering...

You might be a selfish husband sexually if...

(1) You are just in it for your own satisfaction.

Imagine for a moment that every (or nearly all) sexual encounters you have end with NO orgasm.  No tingly feelings.  No release.  No mountaintop experience.

That. Sounds. Horrible. Right?

Well, if you are focused only on your sexual climax and aren't making sure your wife gets to hers, it's no wonder your wife sees sex as one big chore.

If she is not climaxing in most of your sexual encounters, then it might be that you are selfishly consumed only with your orgasm.  One and done.

(Yes, I know. Sometimes, she is the one who isn't interested in having an orgasm, but I do hear from pa-lenty of women who wish their husbands would pay a bit more attention to making sure she gets there).

For more on orgasm, check out all the posts on this page.

(2) You rarely or never respond to her initiation.

Maybe you're that guy who has a wife who initiates, subtly expresses her sexual desire for you or even comes right out and says, "I really want to have sex tonight."

And you do nothing.  No interest.  No response.

You handle her comments and initiation as if they are nothing more than a passing phase.

That's selfish.  And it's sinful.  It's blatant disregard for 1 Corinthians 7.

I know that the reason some men ignore or back down from their wife's sexual initiation is because of struggles with desire, erectile dysfunction, stress and so forth.  I am in no way minimizing the legitimate physical and emotional issues that take a toll on sexual intimacy from a man's perspective.

Even so, though, if that describes you, you owe it to yourself and her (and your marriage in general) to explore why those struggles are happening and possible solutions.

Through honest dialogue with your wife, you likely will discover a woman who wants to support you and reassure you.

But you can't just keep ignoring her.  That's not going to work.

(3) You're not willing to understand what sex means to her.

I don't know what sex means to your wife, but I would be willing to bet it might be different than what sex means to you.

For some wives, sex is reassurance.  (I touched on that in this post about my husband and I making love after someone tried to break into our house).

For some wives, sex is what reminds her that you are in this thing called life -- together.  For some wives, sex is a release of stress and the embodiment of love all wrapped into one.

Seek to understand what sex means to her.

(4) You aren't pulling your weight around the house.

I know this is beyond cliche, but the truth is, most cliches find their roots in this thing called truth.

If you're expecting her to take care of everything with the house, the kids, the in-laws, the errands, the soccer practice, the "we are out of milk again," the bills, the homework and so on, well that's just a huge drag on her sexual desire.

I'm not here to give you commentary on how division of labor should work in your home.

Just make sure it's not all on her.  Because if it's all on her, she probably has little interest, time or energy to get naked with you when the lights go down.

(5) There are ulterior motives behind your compliments.

Every now and then I hear from wives who feel their husband is complimentary toward her only when he wants sex.

If your compliments find their foundation in an ulterior motive, she saw the pattern in your compliments long ago.  The gig is up.

It hurts her.  And possibly even angers her.

Plain and simple, compliments that are dripping with the sting of ulterior motive are never going to arouse her.   Try a different approach -- one that is authentic and affirms her regularly, not just when you want to get busy beneath the sheets.

(6) You insist on things always being your way.

I get it.  There are certain sexual positions or experiences you like more than others.  But sex can't always be on your terms.

Sexual intimacy in marriage needs to be a place of mutual learning and awareness.  It simply has to be the right mix of selflessness and selfishness, where sexual needs and desires are not just acknowledged, but pursued.

Of course, I'm talking about needs and desires and sex positions and sex experiences that all fall in the realm of what's acceptable in the marriage bed.   So, third parties are a no go.  Pornography is a no go.  BDSM is a no go.

You get the picture. Talk with your wife about ways you both can enjoy sex.  Don't insist on things always being your way.

If you're still reading and you see yourself in any of the signs of sexual selfishness, be encouraged that you can right the ship on this.

If there are things you need to confess and ask for forgiveness on, then don't delay!

Share this post with your wife and use it as a spring board into some good conversation on how the two of you together can move forward to heal and build intimacy.

Because sex should be a place marked much more by generosity than selfishness.

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, body image, intimacy, marriage problems, orgasm, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: , ,

November 15th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


sex-begins-in-churchIt sounds blasphemous to say sex begins in church.  I mean, it really does.

But not when it's the kind of sex I'm talking about -- between a husband and a wife who see the value of nurtured sexual intimacy.

I dare say that church is one of the BEST places to begin sex, what with God being the designer of sex and all.

(One of the posts I loved writing a few years ago was Worship the Lord. Make Love to Your Spouse.)

When I say sex begins in church, I'm in essence saying sex can begin anywhere. It just takes being intentional with our affection.

Worried you're going to miss the sermon? Or forget about the canned food drive that just scrolled in the messages on the big screen? I'm not worried at all.

For most women, multi-tasking is like sport.  If ever there was a gender that could be affectionate  and engage in worship and listen to the sermon and remember the canned food drive, it's us women, right?!

Sexual arousal between you and your husband relies heavily on what happens when your clothes are on and you aren't verbally saying anything.  The way you discreetly communicate your attraction for your husband can do wonders for what happens when the clothes come off.

We get this.

I mean, it wasn't long ago that the wildly popular song "When You Say Nothing at All" could be heard at countless weddings.

Keith Whitley, Alison Kraus and Ronan Keating all recorded this song, which is a modern-day anthem for speaking love and desire without words. (If you want a sizzlin' hot old school version, just read Song of Songs in the Old Testament).

Anyway. I digress.

Back to this idea that sex begins in church (uh, I mean anywhere. Sex begins anywhere).

Below are 5 tips on playfully saying, "I want you, even though I can't have you right now."

1. Use your fingernails. 

Light touch is amazingly alluring. When you run your fingernails along the back of his neck or just under the cuff of his shirt or to caress his hand and trace his fingers, that will pique his interest.

2.  Hold his hand.

All hand holding is not created equally.  Sure, there's the hand holding that says, "Wow! It sure is fun to be at the amusement park together! Let's go!!"

And then there's the hand holding that reassuringly says, "I am so attracted to you. So grateful you are mine. So turned on. Maybe later after this lovely rendition of Amazing Grace, we can go back home and find new and creative ways to agree with God on His amazing gift of sex."

Okay. Maybe it doesn't say all that. But you get the idea.

You can convey your sexual attraction through hand holding. Probably works best if you mix in some light touches along his forearm and wrist as your hand makes its way to his.  (I know, I keep coming back to those fingernails, don't I?)

3. Whisper something.

Whispering is not only acceptable between a husband and a wife, it's almost expected if what they're communicating is exclusive to the two of them.  We as a society are neither shocked nor offended when lovers whisper to each other.

Lean over and whisper something sweet, sexy or inviting into your husband's ear.

4. Put your hand on his knee.

There's just something about a wife's hand resting softly on her husband's knee or thigh.

This particular gesture is incredibly sexy in its own unique way.  Maybe because it's an appropriate public touch that is alluring at the same time.

I think we'd have to search high and low to find a husband who doesn't like the feel of his wife's hand on his knee or thigh, whether they are sitting on the couch together or sitting in church together.

5. Lay your head on his shoulder.

Yes, I know.  This seems a bit cliche and meek and maybe even a bit sappy.   Who cares.

Laying your head on his shoulder and leaning into him can be a great way to say, "I want to be close to you."

When you do any of the above, you are discreetly and passionately giving clues to a puzzle the two of you will solve later.

Foreplay isn't just what happens in your bed.  Foreplay is what happens throughout the day, in simple and profound interactions between you and your husband.  In your home.  In your community. In your car. In your church.

My great-grandmother Iva MacDonald Deaver wrote in her diary on February 5, 1915, about the love between her and my great-grandfather.

Her words echo wisdom that is as relevant today as it was a hundred years ago:

"I guess love doesn't reason. It just feels and knows from the little things that would mean nothing at all to anyone else."

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, passion, sexual intimacy, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

November 14th, 2015 by Julie Sibert

Confusion. Pleasure. Frustration. Life. Pain. Excitement. Shame. Fun. Apprehension. Oneness. Betrayal. Connection. Angst. Glory. Crime. Righteousness. Sin. Confidence. Division. Unity. Emptiness. Fullness. Regret. Reassurance. Doubt. Clarity.


Why does sex cause so much of the above?

Well, my short answer is that God designed sex, so in its right context, it's a gift; and because God designed it, Satan hates it, so in its wrong context, it's a burden and sin.

But let's face it.

The short answer has rarely wrapped up the conversation for us.  If it had, we'd have sex all figured out, always celebrating it in its right context and always avoiding it in its wrong context.

Generally speaking, we are easily confused by the things of God -- until we aren't confused and we discover and decide God's way is indeed the best way (even if the larger society tells us otherwise).

I hear from many people who reach a point where they get it -- they get that God designed sex to be a blessing, not a burden.

Sometimes it's a light bulb moment, but more often it's something for which they had to fight hard, on their knees in prayer, at their fingertips through God's Word, and with their ears and heart in dialogue that is more often painful and awkward than easy.

So, let's dig into the long answer.

Marriage is a covenant relationship God designed (a relationship that, not ironically, is what He uses to remind us of His love and oneness with His body of believers).

"This is where you are starting the long answer, Julie? Marriage is a covenant relationship?"

It's vital to the discussion.

When we see a marriage that is strong and healthy (not perfect, mind you, but overall marked by mutual love, compassion, faithfulness, forgiveness, gratitude, honor, intimacy, companionship, etc.), we usually find two people who individually and together recognize that marriage is a covenant.

It's different from all other human relationships.  The stakes are higher.  The investments greater.  The payout -- or fallout -- significantly different than other relationships.

Interestingly, even in a marriage where the two people are not Christians -- but they hold to the covenant attributes I listed above --  we will find a marriage that looks strikingly similar to a strong Christian marriage.

(Regardless of whether two people acknowledge Christ, I still think we are God-designed, and as such, intuitively we long for identity that reflects Him. This sometimes plays itself out in actions, even if the person doesn't claim God as the source.  It's how someone can be moral without necessarily being Christian).

Obviously, having Christ at the center of our lives and our marriages is what God desires. BUT do you see how sometimes there is evidence of God's covenant design of marriage where we don't necessarily see evidence of Christian faith?

I think that alone further confirms that marriage is divinely different from any other human relationship.  It's like how the Word tells us God's fingerprints are all over the place, leaving us without excuse  (Psalm 19:1, Romans 1:20, Luke 19:40).

Anyway. I kind of digressed there.

But it's still vital to my point.

Why does sex cause so much pain and so much joy (and every other thing I listed at the top of this post)?

Because we simply can't escape the undeniable truth that sex is not merely a human issue; it's a God issue.

I think we will never fully wrap our heads and hearts around the depth of the joy or the depth of the pain until we wrestle with the truth that sex is a God issue.  What we do sexually matters to God, not in an abstract removed sort of way, but in an intricately connected sort of way.

So where does Satan fit in?

Well, like I mentioned at the beginning, God designed marriage, and that fact alone makes Satan loathe it.  He'll do whatever he can to sabotage it.

I don't really want to give the enemy too much air time here, but I encourage you to consider that whenever sex happens outside of marriage or is mishandled within marriage, Satan is within close proximity, pouring lies and confusion into the mix.

Word to the wise, one of the best things you can do for your marriage and your sexual intimacy in marriage is to renounce Satan in the name of Christ.  Kick Satan out of your bed.  Tell him he's gotta go.

I'm convinced that whether we are trying to heal from sexual pain and injustice or we are trying to thoroughly enjoy sex in its right context, we are best equipped to do that with God.

I know.  This post doesn't exactly make for light reading.  Or light reflecting.  Does it?

Maybe a better way to make it all relevant is to ask you this, "What does sex cause in your heart and in your marriage?"

Take a moment.

Think before you answer.

Yes, I know, many marriages face huge challenges sexually because of monumental betrayals of abuse, adulterous affairs, pornography use.  And maybe your marriage is one of those.

I also know many other marriages suffer sexually for no other reason than sexual apathy by one or both spouses.

And, of course, there are marriages where sex is mutually valued, passionately pursued and ravenously enjoyed.

Where you fall on the spectrum with your answer is not near as important as what you do going forward.

My hope is that if sex is a healthy and enjoyed aspect of your marriage, you'll keep heading in that direction.

And if it's not? My hope is you'll do all you can to seek God's heart on how things can get better. Probably not easy, but definitely worth it.

What is sex causing in your marriage?

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: ,

25 Questions Cover
November 10th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


25 Questions CoverI have great news!

Author and speaker Dr. Juli Slattery has released a book I believe will become a vital "go to" guide for any woman wanting to better understand love, sex and intimacy.

The book is 25 Questions You're Afraid to Ask about Love, Sex and Intimacy, and Juli asked if I would read it and get the word out about it.

She sent me a copy and offered an additional one I could give away (because honestly, I'm not giving up my copy!)

Keep reading to the end of the post to find out how you can enter for an opportunity to win the free copy.

Here are three things that are astonishingly profound and beautiful about this book:

It's comprehensive without being cumbersome.

Seriously, this is what first caught my attention by the time I was 2-3 chapters in.  Juli tackles tough questions and strikes the right chord between saying too much and not saying enough.

She doesn't gloss over tough topics, which makes me think she put a lot of thought into her word choices.  She makes every word count.  The end result is that in every chapter, she gives us deeply needed points and clarifications -- without drowning us in lengthy hard-to-follow paragraphs.

It's an "easy" read, so to speak, yet doesn't back down from the challenging questions where many women are hungering for solid feedback.

It's biblical.

Make no mistake, she drenches this book in God's love and in His indisputable Word.  Juli humbly recognizes that without God's wisdom, generosity and truth, we cannot frame sex and intimate love in its right context.  We simply can't do it.

If we want to follow His plan, we are left with no choice but to align ourselves with His heart and Word.  What we do with our bodies and our relationships matters.

She does a great job conveying all that with grace and love.

It's conversational.

The first two points I made are obviously deal-breakers for me if I'm going to recommend a book, but this last one is what really piques my interest.

Is the book conversational?  Do I read it and feel like I'm having coffee with this woman?


This is why I think this will be a book that can spur great conversations across generations.

It would be easy to assume the book is geared only toward younger women, but I believe it also would be an ideal book for a women's book club or small group, no matter the ages of the women.

I also think it would be a great book for a couple of single female friends to go through together to help encourage each other and hold each other accountable.

And no doubt it has nuggets of insight for women who are engaged, as well as those who have been married for quite awhile.

So, all that being said, you want to read this book, right?

If you simply can't wait one minute longer, head on over to Amazon and buy it.

Or, if you're patient and want a shot at winning the free copy, you can do this:

Simply comment on this post by sharing one question you would love to ask about love, sex and intimacy. (Or maybe it's a question you wish you would have asked long ago).

You can do this anonymously (just put "anonymous" in the name section or make up a name), but be sure to include a real email address where I can reach you (this address won't appear with your comment, but I can see it on the admin side).

On Dec. 1, I will randomly pick a number, and whichever comment that number matches up to, that will be the winner!   I'll then email you to get your address so I can have the publisher send you your book.

IMPORTANT:  I moderate my comments, so if you make a comment, but don't see it right away, that's because I have to go in and hit "approve."  I do this to protect my blog from all those icky links and fake comments that tend to fill blogs if not moderated.  I write about sex, people. So you can imagine some of the icky links trying to sabotage my site!

Juli Slattery

Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author, speaker and host of the weekly radio program Java with Juli. She is also the cofounder of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry passionate about reclaiming God's design for intimacy.  Juli and her husband, Mike, have been married for over 20 years and are raising their three boys in Colorado.







Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.












Posted in authentic, marriage problems, orgasm, passion, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual sin, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

take sex drive away
October 31st, 2015 by Julie Sibert


take sex drive awayI receive more emails and comments from men than I do from women.

This does not surprise me.

What did initially surprise me, though, when I began blogging is the depth of pain expressed in these emails from men who hunger for more sexual intimacy in their marriage.

Notice I just wrote "sexual intimacy," rather than using the word "sex."

Nearly all the communication I receive from husbands clearly shows that sex is not just sex to them (contrary to what popular culture and stereotyping would lead us to believe).

They aren't just looking for a release.

Because let's face it, they could get that from their own hand.  Sure, some resort to secret masturbation on a regular basis, because they see no other option afforded them. Yet most would gladly admit that what they really want is to make love to their wife.

Sex is never just about sex.  It's about wanting to feel connected, affirmed and one with the person to whom you've pledged your life.

Some marriages are high on conflict about sex and incredibly low on resolution and healing.  Two people slowly drift away from each other sexually, either because healing the disconnect is not a shared value or because one or both spouses believe the marriage is irretrievably broken sexually.

My God, marriage is hard, isn't it?  I get that. I know.

I don't minimize the challenge it is to build an intimate marriage. Being married is a high and holy calling and it is hard, hard work.  And so much impacts sexual intimacy, from hormonal and physical issues to relationship struggles to betrayal to life circumstances to skewed views about sex.

The list goes on.

But it is tragic commentary in a marriage when either spouse has prayed for God to take away something that is inherently woven into the very design of marriage.  God's design for marriage.

I am grieved any time I read an email or comment where a husband has resigned to defeat, thinking there is no longer any viable option but to pray -- even beg -- for God to take his sexual desire away.

The devastation of laying next to a woman who neither pursues him sexually nor responds lovingly to his initiation is just too much.  Too much.

To frame this in another perspective, consider if you as a wife are feeling emotionally neglected by your husband.

Do you pray that God remove your desire for emotional oneness with the man you fell in love with and married?

Some of you may pray this, but my guess is that most women in that situation do not wish for their desire for emotional connection to go away.

They would rather see the relationship healed and strengthened, right?

Deep down when a husband has prayed God take his sexual desire away, what he is really screaming from the caverns of his soul is that he desperately wants the relationship healed and strengthened.

He wants -- genuinely wants -- authentic sexual intimacy with the woman he married.

If there are struggles in your marriage about sexual frequency, do you ever wonder if your husband has prayed for God to take his sexual desire away?

Well, here's the deal.

God probably isn't going to answer that prayer with a yes.

And even if He did, would we really consider that a victory for your marriage?

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , , ,

female ejaculation
October 30th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


female ejaculationYears ago an acquaintance and I were having a conversation about sex, and she asked me about female ejaculation.

I was new to blogging about sexual intimacy in marriage, and to be honest, I hadn't really read much about female ejaculation, let alone experienced it.

I think I responded with a casual, "Well, some people think it's a myth and some people think it's a reality."

I regret that my casual response likely did her a disservice.

Certainly that wasn't my intention, but looking back, I know she was wanting some reassurance that what she was experiencing in her marriage bed wasn't weird or wrong or cause for alarm.

She changed the topic.

And because our paths rarely cross, I have yet to find an easy way to revisit the conversation with her.  (I mean seriously, I would have to seek her out. And initiate a discussion about female ejaculation out of the blue.  Even for me, that feels a bit awkward. Maybe she'll read this post).

Fast forward to today.

I've wanted to write about female ejaculation for awhile.

(And then I had lunch with fellow bloggers The Byerlys at Cracker Barrel and this topic came up. I know. Crazy, right? By the way, Paul Byerly is doing an anonymous survey on female ejaculation, which I highly encourage you to take after you finish reading my post).

For the record, I'm not overly enthused about the words "female ejaculation" -- not because they aren't accurate, but more so because they sound so cold and scientific.

Cold and scientific hardly seem like the right word choices for what's going on in my marriage bed when I regularly experience female ejaculation. And by regularly, I mean every time we've made love in the past 2 years.

I just got a bit transparent right there, didn't I?

Well. Anyway. The reason I just shared something so personal is two-fold.

First, I want to reassure wives who have experienced a wetness -- an ejaculation -- during sexual intimacy that what you are experiencing is real, not myth.

The initial time a wife experiences this, she likely thinks it's urine.  Yet most researchers believe it's not urine, at least not urine as we traditionally think of urine.

And it's different from the wetness that your vagina produces when you are aroused.

The wetness that lubricates the vagina so a wife can more comfortably receive her husband's penis comes from the Bartholin's glands, which have nothing to do with female ejaculation. (More on the science later in the post, I promise).

Second, I want to reassure wives who have not experienced female ejaculation that this doesn't mean your sexual intimacy is less satisfying or less complete. If we hold female ejaculation up as a goal to strive toward or an indication of true sexual enjoyment in a marriage, we are really missing the point.

I think the experience feels incredible, but I can't say it feels any more incredible than when I have a clitoral orgasm.  Suffice to say, it's all sexual pleasure and it all feels good. (All that wetness does make sexual encounters a little messier, but nothing that a nearby towel can't handle).

As for the science and physiology behind female ejaculation, remember that I am not a doctor. Or a scientist. I'm just a housewife talking to you about sex. I'm going to simply give you the Cliff's Notes version.

Female ejaculation is closely associated with what is known as the G-spot (named for Ernst Grâfenberg, M.D., who wrote about this spot in 1950, although he didn't coin the term G-spot).

So where is this spot, anyway?

Generally speaking, it is on the anterior (front) wall of the vagina. Don't worry if you're directionally challenged and already feeling confused about its location. No GPS needed, I promise.

Easiest way to describe how to find the G-spot is imagine you and your husband are standing naked face-to-face.

As he caresses your body, he moves his hand to your vagina, slides his index finger in. With his palm facing his body, he does a "come here" motion with that finger -- the same motion as if you were to beckon someone from across the room.  With this motion, he is using the tip of his finger to stimulate the upper inside wall of your vagina.

That's where the spot is.  (Better to think of it as an area, rather than a definitive spot. And probably more comfortable to find when you are laying down).

It's also where we find what are sometimes referred to as the Skene's glands.  These are named for Alexander Skene, M.D., who studied this area and found that some women do indeed have ducts and glands that are somewhat similar to a male's prostate gland. (They also are called the paraurethral glands).

These glands produce a fluid that in some women is released when they are highly aroused sexually. It has some of the same properties as the fluid released from a male's prostate gland.

For decades upon decades, there has been much debate among doctors and researchers about what exactly does happen when a woman ejaculates.  Is this thin clear fluid coming from the Skene's glands only or is it diluted urine that accumulates in the bladder during arousal and then is released? Or is it a combination of those?

Unfortunately, there is no consensus (as well as no extensive studies that I could find) on the exact origin of this fluid.

Sometimes it gushes out, whereas other times it is trickles out. Quantity varies from woman to woman.  I mean, it's not bucketfuls, but for some women, it's definitely enough to be quite noticeable during sex, that's for sure.

For most women who experience it, the release of the fluid typically happens while she is experiencing what most describe as a G-spot orgasm. (From a personal viewpoint, I will attest that this is definitely a different sensation than a clitoral orgasm).

While experts can't land on a conclusive origin of the fluid, there does seem to be consensus that "something" is happening that is quite wet.

So there you have it.  Female ejaculation. It's not a myth (just ask any woman who has experienced it).

If you experience it, you don't need to feel self conscious.  In fact, if a husband knows that this wetness is simply his wife's uncontrollable response to intense sexual pleasure, he likely will find all that wetness quite arousing.

If it happens and your husband seems caught off guard, take the time to talk about female ejaculation (probably do the talking afterward, because I'm guessing you'll be rendered speechless while climaxing).

Word to the wise, the finger trick isn't the only way to stimulate the G-spot.  Some wives (myself included) attest to the G-spot being stimulated during certain sexual positions and/or when the penis is at a certain angle during penetration. And no surprise, there are entire lines of sexual vibrators designed specifically to stimulate the G-spot.

If you never experience the release of this fluid, no worries. Doctors have yet to really determine why some women ejaculate and some do not, but either way, it's no reflection on your degree of sexual confidence as a wife.

What's of vital importance is that you and your husband are committed to enjoying and nurturing sexual intimacy.

Within the exclusivity of your marriage, you have tremendous freedom to pursue and appreciate sexual pleasure and sexual oneness. Don't get hung up on how wet that pleasure is or isn't.

For more reading on female ejaculation, check out the below posts by my fellow blogger friends. And don't forget to take Paul Byerly's anonymous survey at this link.

Female Ejaculation at The Marriage Bed

Female Ejaculation: Is It Real? at Hot Holy Humorous

"O" Zones: The Delightful Urethral Sponge at Bonny's Oyster Bed

For more reading on orgasm in general, I have an entire page on my site on orgasm.

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in body image, orgasm, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , ,

begging for sex
October 21st, 2015 by JulieSibert


begging for sexAs someone who blogs about sex, I see common storylines revealed through the comments and emails I receive.

Yes. I know.

Every marriage is unique with its own details, history, circumstances, plots and perplexities.

But today I want to talk about marriages where there are no huge struggles -- except for sexual intimacy.

One spouse wants sex more often.  The other spouse couldn't care less about sex.

Maybe sex happens every now and then, but usually in these marriages, weeks or months will go by with no sex.  Obligatory sex makes its appearance occasionally, just to keep the peace.

But eh, not always.

What then?  Well, maybe you see your own marriage peek out from this sexual dynamic:

The refused spouse responds to the ongoing refusal by taking a practical approach. They logistically think that if they can just "win" their spouse over with good deeds and romantic gestures, the natural response from their disengaged spouse will be more sexual interest.

Sadly, that usually doesn't happen.

So then the refused spouse tries to address the issue in a more direct way through conversations or questions about "what may be wrong" or "why don't you want to have sex" and so forth.

This usually garners a bit of defensiveness from the spouse who is doing the refusing.

The spouse who doesn't see sex as a priority starts to throw into the arena questions like "Is that all you think about?" and "It's just about sex, isn't it?"

A back-and-forth battle ensues. it's intermittent, though, resulting in discouragement and anger, but rarely humility and hunger to draw close.

Classic passive aggressiveness from both sides may arrive on the scene too.  Silent treatment. Manipulation. Withholding sex as a way to punish a spouse.  Lack of respect.  Sabotaging things that are important to one another.

The emotional chasm is like a sleeping giant just below the surface. It begins to define their new normal of little or no sex.

And then, if all of that doesn't compel some positive change, they arrive at a crossroads.

I say "they," but what I really mean is that one of them -- the rejected spouse -- has arrived at the crossroads.  The spouse doing the refusing is oblivious that the crossroads is right beneath their feet (or right in the middle of their bed, as the case may be).

At this crossroads, the refused spouse makes a decision -- to either shut down completely sexually (setting up unspoken emotional distance and boundaries at the same time) OR to begin begging for sex.

Shutting down.  Or begging.

That's usually the decision happening at the crossroads.

So, my question to you is, if the above scenario feels painfully and eerily familiar (like I'm literally describing what's going on in your marriage right now), what is happening at that crossroads?

Is the refused spouse shutting down?  Or are they begging for sex?

Those two options are not good.  Like not good in a "huge red flag" sort of way.

None of us stands at an altar and imagines a day when we will shut down emotionally and physically to our spouse.  Or a day when we will have to beg -- literally beg -- for sex.

These are hard hard things.  I know.

You may be the spouse doing the refusing. Or you may be the spouse being refused.

Regardless, the status quo is unsustainable.

My hope is that somehow the two of you will move TOGETHER toward healing and strengthening your marriage, including your sexual intimacy.  This blog post may just be your wake up call.

So, wake up. Please wake up.

"A year from now what will you wish you had done today?" -- Liam Linisong

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: ,

paul and lori byerly JS
October 18th, 2015 by Julie Sibert


paul and lori byerly JSI could have titled this post "Fellow Marriage Champions Paul and Lori Byerly … In the Flesh!"

But this is a blog about sex.

So a headline like that could REALLY be misinterpreted, right?!

In all honesty, I am super excited I recently had lunch with Paul and Lori, who were on their way through Nebraska as full-time RV adventurers.

We hung out for a couple of hours, talking about everything from life to kids to mission to ministry to marriage (and, of course, sex!)

I give a lot of credit to these two, who were trailblazers in the world of Christians writing authentically about sexual intimacy in marriage. Seriously. Trailblazers!

They began in 1997 with their blog The Marriage Bed, and eventually added The Generous Husband, The Generous Wife and The XY Code.

I shared with them that years ago, when I was just beginning to blog, a friend of mine said to me with much enthusiasm, "You have to check out this site called The Marriage Bed. It's about sex! And it's by this couple who are Christians.  It's so cool!"

She was right.

Who would have thought I would eventually get a chance to meet them and call them friends?!

I highly encourage you to visit Paul and Lori's sites and learn from their wisdom, because these two are the real deal.

They have hearts for genuinely encouraging marriages, and they speak openly about what it takes to build intimacy (sexual and otherwise!)

Here's to you Paul and Lori. THANK YOU again for the camaraderie as we speak hope and truth into countless marriages!

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

Click on the below image for more about the book:








Posted in authentic, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , , ,