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spilled-milk
September 19th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

spilled-milkI read a lot, so my ears perk up when a friend recommends a book.

A good friend of mine recently recommended the book Spilled Milk by K.L. Randis.

I'm sharing about it here for a couple of reasons.

First, It is an incredible personal story of childhood sexual abuse and what it took for one person to not let that abuse define her life. Though the author writes it as a novel, the book is based on her own story.

It is the account of a girl named Brooke, who endures horrendous sexual abuse at the hands of her father in a family wrought with dysfunction.

Not only does she eventually realize that the abuse she has suffered since she was a small child is not normal behavior for a family, she also courageously faces her abuser to see he is brought to justice.

And she fights her way to a healthier life.

Second -- and possibly more importantly -- I'm sharing the book because it has a message worth acknowledging -- not all cases of sexual abuse carry with them what we often consider "classic" warning signs. Brooke never was a "troubled" child or teen who "acted out" rebelliously.

In Brooke's case, though her family was extremely messed up behind closed doors, the outside world would have had a hard time detecting the horrific physical and sexual abuse. Brooke was a model honor student who excelled in school. She had friends. She was a cheerleader. She was incredibly responsible at her job.

It isn't until she starts to spend time with a her boyfriend's healthy family that she starts to realize the pain and abuse and fear she and her siblings experience at home is not normal and should not be tolerated.

The title Spilled Milk hails from her eye-opening moment when her boyfriend's little brother spills milk at the dinner table one evening, and Brooke is amazed the child's father doesn't beat him for it.

This a novel about courage -- Brooke's courage, of course, but also the courage of adults who rallied around her to support her.

That should be a reminder to us as well, that it is not only people in "official" positions who play a part in justice, but also people who simply were in the right place at the right time to courageously get involved in one person's path toward healing.

This was not an easy book to read, and I say that as someone who has never been sexually abused. I can only imagine how hard it would be to read for someone who has been abused. I can see, though, where Spilled Milk could help countless people feel less alone in what they endured as children at the hands of people who are supposed to love them.

This is an important book, if for no other reason than to shine light on conversations that are vital if we want to protect some of society's most innocent members -- its children.

Thank you, K.L. Kandis, for your courage. Your heart. Your story.  This book shows your exemplary bravery in the face of excruciating life circumstances.

You can find out more about Spilled Milk at this link.

As someone who writes about intimacy in marriage, I know that many marriages struggle because of the abuse one or both spouses experienced when they were young.  It is for this reason I am forever grateful for authors like K.L. Randis who are willing to speak up.  Her courage not only helps individuals, but also couples who are suffering because of the effects of past abuse.

If you were sexually abused, please do not give up hope in finding healing. May K.L. Randis' story and others you may know of inspire you to seek out resources that will help you on a path where the effects of your abuse no longer have such devastating impact on your life.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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Dustin and Bethany Riechmann
September 18th, 2016 by Julie Sibert
Dustin and Bethany Riechmann

Dustin and Bethany Riechmann

One of the best things about writing a blog is I have connected with other like-minded Christians who also have a passion for encouraging marriages.

And they write blogs too! Some also record podcasts!

Over the next several weeks, I want to share with you some of these great resources.

I've asked them to answer a few questions and share their favorite post. Today I bring you www.EngagedMarriage.com by Dustin and Bethany Riechmann.

 

1. Why did you start writing/speaking about sexual intimacy in marriage?

We struggled in a big way with sexual intimacy during the early years of marriage.  At first, it just didn't come as naturally as we had hoped, and then, when we did "get the hang of it," the busyness of our life with kids robbed us of true intimacy.  It was only after we put God first in our marriage AND our bedroom that we truly connected to experience all that sex was meant to be in marriage.

 

2. What do you hope readers/listeners gain from visiting your site?

Engaged Marriage is all about providing real, practical help to other couples who are struggling to live the dream marriage they envisioned when they first got together.  Our goal is to provide the tools and advice that busy couples need to truly live engaged, connected lives together and honor God through their relationship.

Favorite Post:  The Best Kept Secret About Mind-Blowing Sex

THANK YOU Dustin and Bethany!

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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orgasm-in-marriage
August 28th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

orgasm-in-marriageWhen was the last time you faked orgasm?

I've written about sex long enough to know there are a variety of answers (and reasons) rolling through the heads of my readers right now.

Some of you (I hope a lot of you) never fake orgasm, because like me, you'd rather have an orgasm than fake one.

Some of you fake orgasm rather regularly (maybe even your entire marriage).

My guess is your reasons generally fall in one of two camps -- you want to protect your husband's ego and give him the satisfaction of thinking he has wildly pleased his woman (even if he hasn't) OR you don't really like sex and you fake orgasm to end sex as soon as possible.

Certainly some of you are in both camps -- you don't want to hurt his feelings AND you want sex to end quickly.

And just to be fair, I know there are some of you who have tried to explain to your husband what it will take for you to climax, and he has been less than willing to see the value in your sexual pleasure.

Regardless of your reason for faking orgasm, I challenge you to stop.

Orgasm feels incredible, unique in its sensations and the way it affects us emotionally, relationally, physically, spiritually.

Nothing good, in the long term or short term, comes from faking orgasm.

If you are faking to protect his ego, you may be temporarily satisfied with that altruistic motive. Ultimately, though, it is wrought with all kinds of pitfalls.

An obvious pitfall is you aren't experiencing sexual pleasure. And sex without sexual pleasure is reduced quickly to mere obligation. Going through the motions. Check it off my list. This approach numbs us to the positive role and effect sex can have in our marriage.

Trust me on this -- your heart will never be able to righteously reconcile taking something that is meant for pleasure and oneness in your marriage and making it nothing more than duty.

Another pitfall is it builds your sexual foundation on a lie. (That's some shaky ground, I might add).  Marriage is hard enough. We don't need to actively bring lies into it to make it worse, especially when those lies are wrapped up in something as intimate as our marriage bed.

Another pitfall is it perpetuates selfishness -- yours and his.  What?

That's right. Selfishness. You faking orgasm fuels a false sense of pride in him.  And it perpetuates a false sense of control in you. When faking orgasm is intricately part of your sexual encounters, you both lose sight of what it authentically means to give and receive pleasure.

Also, faking to protect his ego is not sustainable. Your motive of kindness likely will spiral to a deep root of resentment. You'll end up angry -- either at yourself or your husband or both -- that you have sacrificed your sexual pleasure on the altar of good intentions.

His protected ego is no longer going to be enough to compensate for your lack of orgasmic pleasure. Even worse, trying to fake that you are just fine with faking is only going to make matters worse. I mean seriously, how wide can the distance between the two of you become sexually? Quite wide. And the toll of that is quite high.

If you are faking orgasm because you want sex to end quickly, why do you want sex to end so quickly?

This is a hard question. I know.

And I can't answer it for you, but I can say this. Sex is intended to be an intimate, pleasurable bonding experience for a husband and a wife. The degree to which a husband and a wife navigate this will be reflected in all aspects of their relationship, not just in their bedroom.

God wants you to have freedom in your sexual pleasure. I'm not naive -- I know finding that freedom is harder for some couples than others.

Some people have to heal from and overcome the damage of past sexual abuse.  Some people have to reconcile and make peace with God about their promiscuous past.  Some people have to challenge the outright wrong messages that other Christians have repeatedly told them about sex being gross, just duty or for procreation only.

If you are still reading, do you see that orgasm has a greater significance than we sometimes realize?

I'd rather have an orgasm than fake one. Because I know what happens to me and to my marriage when I climax.  I know what a positive effect it has not only on my overall positive outlook on life, but also on my relationship with the man I married.

Wouldn't you rather have an orgasm than fake one?

For more reading, I have an entire page with posts on orgasm. Well worth the read.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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August 25th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

The older I get, the more aware I am that time is fleeting.

A friend and I were talking about this recently. We were thinking back to when we were in our 20s and how anyone over the age of 40 (like our parents at that time) seemed soooo old!!

We were laughing about the irony that we are now that to our own kids. We are in our 40s, and though we still view ourselves as "young" in our minds, we are indeed closer to the grave than the cradle (Sorry. Just keeping it real).

And, if you want to get really philosophical and spiritual about it all, we see value in being closer to the grave than the cradle. Word. (Insert Fist Bump!)

As a writer about all things sexual, I of course look at this "time is fleeting" revelation through the lens of intimacy in marriage.

When you look back on sex in your marriage, what will you see?

Will the lens be foggy because of all the passion or will it be foggy because of all the confusion, disconnect and misunderstanding?

I've received a few emails as of late from people understandably at their wits end with sexual rejection and disillusionment. Some of these people (wives and husbands) have gone years without receiving any sexual interest and attention from their spouse.

It's heartbreaking.

They are angry, sure, but more often than not, they are profoundly sad, feeling as if they have endured needlessly, all because their spouse just "didn't want to have sex."

And then I got a cool email from a gal in New Zealand who spoke so authentically about changing unhealthy sexual patterns in her marriage into healthy ones. Now she courageously and enthusiastically is encouraging other women in her circle of influence to nurture sexual intimacy in their marriages.

Good stories. Sad stories.  Lots of stories flowing into my inbox that all have to do with how we handle sex in marriage.

Sex is part of marriage. When we say those vows, who among us could make any sane argument that sex is simply optional, like an ala carte item that's ours for taking -- or passing right on by? No one could make that argument.

When we get married, whether we realize it or not, we are agreeing with God that sex is a good and holy part of His plan, meant for pleasure and oneness in our marriage (not just for making babies).

I write about the importance of healthy sexual intimacy in marriage because my first marriage was marked by a lot of sexual struggle, and looking back now I know I didn't put in the effort to figure that out then.  I didn't know what I didn't know.

I know now, of course, being in a healthy second marriage that sexual desires and sexual struggles and sexual pleasure all deserve tremendous attention.

Or the marriage is going to suffer. Horribly.

Some of you have been married long enough that you do have enough time to look back upon in your marriage -- you can, right now, look back at sex in your marriage and piece together a fairly complete picture of what that has looked like.

Others of you reading this have been married only a few months or a few years.  Your look back period is short.  My guess is it still reveals something.

Wherever you are in marriage, how would you describe your sexual intimacy?

Is it mutually valued, pursued and enjoyed? Does it add oneness and pleasure and bring you closer to each other?

Or is it a source of conflict, distancing you from each other to the point that your marriage is a mere shell -- a mere arrangement on paper, but void of abundant life?

These are big questions.

I know.

They are worth asking, though.

And if you have young marrieds or soon-to-be marrieds in your circle of influence, you could be saving them years of heartache if you help them see the significance of sexual intimacy -- that they shouldn't take it for granted or assume that slight sexual struggles won't turn into full fledged unhealthy sexual patterns.

When you look back on sex in your marriage, what will you see?

For more reading on this, consider my posts What if The Last time You Made Love Was Truly the Last Time? and Do You Really Have "Plenty of Time Later" to Nurture Your Marriage?

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in intimacy, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: , ,

August 24th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

 

I’ve made great strides in growing up in my marriage, but like all of you, I’m a work in progress.

I think one of the best ways we can nurture our marriage is to recognize where we need to mature.

That's what I have tried to do with regard to four ways I have sometimes sabotaged intimacy (sexual and otherwise) in my marriage without realizing it.

Do you see any of these four dynamics in your marriage:

Not Showing Gratitude

It is so easy to take people for granted, even when (or especially when?) they are the people we do life with day in and day out.

I have sometimes become so comfortable with all that my husband does for me and for our family that I get laxed in actually saying “thank you.”

(Since we're being real here, I might as well admit I was even developing a bit of an entitled mentality.)

While I don’t think my lack of gratitude was necessarily destroying our intimacy, I began to see that it wasn’t building it either.

Showing appreciation builds tender connection (sexual and otherwise). Taking each other for granted, on the other hand, lends itself to stagnant co-existence, which sucks. It breeds a roommate mentality that is not healthy for a husband and a wife, who certainly should be way more than roommates.

I'm far from perfect in showing gratitude, but I am more conscientious of it for sure. It only takes a moment to speak the words, write a text or drop a note in his lunch box to point out something specific for which I am grateful.

Expecting Him to Think Like Me

“If only...”     Those two words can be the death of intimacy in a marriage.

“If only he would parent like me."

"If only he would tackle house projects like I would."

"If only he would deal with in-laws the way I think is right."

"If only he would look at sex like I do."

Yes, it’s reasonable to expect that we find healthy ways to compromise and work out disagreements. But it is not reasonable to expect him to think like I do, no more than it is reasonable for him to expect me to think like him.

Not Assuming the Best in His Motives

I have read a few books by Brene´ Brown, a social researcher, author and speaker who has written extensively about emotional vulnerability and how we relate to people. I like her book Daring Greatly the best, but she has other books as well.

In her book Rising Strong, one thing she digs into is what happens when we assume people are doing the best they can (which is freakishly hard to do in some scenarios, right?).  Can that assumption, even when we are disappointed or frustrated with someone, help us better navigate the situation?

Yes!

When I read that portion of her book, I began to wonder to myself, “Am I assuming the best about Randy?”  Sadly, sometimes I’m not, even when I can rationally tell myself that I know beyond a doubt he is a good man, loving father and husband, and hard worker.

I'm trying to discipline my heart more to assume the best about him, rather than default to assuming the worst.  Assuming the best about my husband builds intimacy between us.

Extending Grace to Others, but Not to Him

I’m not proud to admit this, but I at times have been more gracious with my friends than with my own husband.

For example, a friend texts me and says she needs to reschedule our coffee date. I’m compassionate, flexible and happy to find another date.

But when my husband suggests changes to a date he and I had planned (and has a legitimate reason for the change), I can feel the resentment building in my heart before the words are barely out of his mouth.

And it’s not even like he is doing this on a regular basis.

Instead of being so easily offended by him (and so rarely offended by my friends), I started asking myself, “Why am I not more gracious with him?”

And you know what? I couldn't come up with a good answer, which of course was a humbling lightbulb moment for me. It challenged me to be as quick to extend him grace as I do with other people I love.

Like I said, I'm still a work in progress on the above four dynamics, but it's good to be a work in progress, especially when it nurtures intimacy.

This side of heaven, I know we will all struggle to some degree with our selfish desires and depravity. That’s just the harsh reality of being human in a world marred by sin and the prowl of the enemy.

BUT we also are called to grow in our righteousness and reflection of Christ. That’s just the jubilant reality of being children of God in a world privy to redemption and the love of the Savior.

What have you done to sabotage intimacy in your marriage? What could you do to change those patterns?

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in authentic, marriage problems, Uncategorized Tagged with: ,

passion in marriage
August 22nd, 2016 by Julie Sibert

passion in marriageWhen my beloved and I said our vows, we had never had sex with each other.

In those first few months (and even first few years, really) of our marriage, we had much desire (and much lovemaking), but little sexual variety.

I think we were just trying to figure out being naked together.

The idea of trying anything beyond the basics we had already mastered didn't cross our minds.  Our sexual repertoire was narrow, and we settled into a pattern of predictable (albeit frequent) lovemaking.

Don't get me wrong. We were definitely sexually satisfied. But we had not found true sexual freedom in our bed.

Do you know what changed everything and made sex better for us?

We became comfortable enough in our own skin to try new sexual techniques and talk about what we liked.

I know.

Sounds simple enough, all written out in one concise sentence, right? But wow is there a plethora of truth in that sentence.

Comfortable enough in our own skin to try new sexual techniques and talk about what we liked.

When we let go of the idea that there are only a few ways to please each other sexually, it transformed sexual intimacy in our marriage.

And we started having a lot of fun making love, and connecting with deeper oneness that I knew was different than we had experienced in our first few years of marriage.

It's not that we haven't had our share of sexually difficulty in our marriage, because we have.  BUT what has carried us through is that we have a deep understanding of what it takes to bring each other intense sexual pleasure and nurture closeness.

We are turned on by turning each other on.

That understanding in our bed is profound.

And we would have missed out on that level of sexual enjoyment and connection if we hadn't embraced -- even pursued -- the freedom God gives a husband and wife in the exclusivity of their sexual intimacy.

Trying new ways to arouse each other and please each other sexually may be as simple as new ways of touching, new positions, undressing for each other or making love with more light in the room.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about doing anything that would compromise your exclusivity (there is no room nor need for third parties in your lovemaking, no pornography, no illicit behavior).  And certainly I'm not talking about one spouse demanding or forcing certain sexual acts.

Nope.

God has always intended sexual intimacy to be a place of respect, mutuality and sacred covenant.

What I am talking about is taking great liberty in exploring your husband's body and inviting him to explore yours.

Our capacity to give and receive pleasure is multi-faceted because what appeals to our senses is multi-faceted.

Are you ever surprised by what you find arousing?

In that surprise, we can be tempted to downplay or even run from the arousal, overwhelmed by the exhilaration of maybe something we have never before felt. Don't run from it. Believe instead that it is sweet privilege for a husband and wife to please each other and find mutual enjoyment in making love.

This is your marriage bed, after all.

Exclusive ground for the two of you alone to explore each other, share, talk, touch, climax.  Exclusive ground to feel valued, desired and enthralled with sexual connection.

What will it take for you to become comfortable enough in your own skin to try new sexual techniques and talk about what you like?

When you do that in bed, it just might change everything.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in authentic, body image, orgasm, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

July 26th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

For married couples in Eastern Nebraska and Western Iowa, you have a great local opportunity coming up Aug. 6, 2016.

Christ Community Church in Omaha is offering a half-day presentation on improving communication skills in marriage.

Registration is required for the session, but cost is only a free-will donation. To register, email Sue Beed at sueb@cccomaha.org or call Dr. James G. Johnson at 623-202-4037.

This is a great opportunity to spend a Saturday morning investing in your marriage.  Your marriage is worth a Saturday morning!

Couple_Talk 1.0
August 6
8:30 am -- Noon
Christ Community Church
404 South 108th Ave, Omaha NE
(Bagels and coffee will be provided).

Dr. James G. Johnson will offer this session packed with relevant content and humorous and interactive delivery.  He is an author, speaker, counselor and mentor who has a heart for helping married couples.

Topics covered will include:

Successful conflict resolution

Increased relational satisfaction

Understanding and being understood

Increased problem solving

And more!

Take the time to pick up some great communication tips that could transform your marriage!

Posted in authentic, marriage problems, Uncategorized Tagged with: ,

wife-undressing-for-husband
July 12th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

wife-undressing-for-husband

I know what some of you are thinking.

"What's the big deal with him seeing me undress?!  It's not like he's never seen my body before."

Or possibly others of you reading this are struggling with body image, and you're not giddy one bit at the idea of your husband seeing you naked, let alone seeing you get naked.

But letting your husband see you undress might be a bigger deal than you realize.

It might be a pathway to sexual oneness and playfulness that you've thus far left untapped. And you may be surprised to discover that taking your clothes off isn't just arousing for him, it's arousing for you too.

As many a wife has happily discovered, sexual seduction is never just about the person being seduced.

Here are 3 reasons it's sexy to undress for your husband:

1. He Doesn't Get to See Other Women Undress.

Here's the thing gals.  You're it for him.

You're the only woman he gets to see do this undressing thing.  If he is a good upstanding Christian guy, he is trying (and likely succeeding) in keeping his focus on you.  And not that he needs to be rewarded for doing what Christ has called him to do, but for the love of God, reward him already!

Consider it a privilege to undress for him.

If you feel nervous about doing it, ask him to help you undress. That can be quite the turn on all the way around.

2. He is Visual.

If he's like most guys, he is visual.  There's just something about a woman's body that a man finds attractive. Your husband wants to see your curves. Your softness. Your breasts. Your hair.

Everything.

"Yeah, but Julie, my body doesn't exactly look like a Victoria Secret's ad."

Hey, even the women in the Victoria Secret's ad don't look like a Victoria Secret's ad in real life. Our idea of authentic beauty has been hijacked by photoshopping, good lighting and a whole slew of professional make-up artists and hairstylists.

And you know what?  Your husband doesn't want the airbrushed model anyway!

He wants you -- the woman he does life with.  The woman who gave him babies.  The woman who fixed him dinner and dropped the kids off at baseball practice.

He wants his wife, because the most amazing thing about building amazing sexual connection is doing it with the person you literally said you would die for.

There is nothing sexier than a marriage covenant lived to God's fullest imagination.

Your husband doesn't just want to lay his hands on your body. He wants to fix his eyes on it as well.

3. It's Good Foreplay.

Most married couples spend years -- even decades -- together.

That's a lot of ground for familiarity in lovemaking.  It's easy to fall into a sexual routine that we could recite with our bodies without even thinking.

I get that there's a comfort in predictable sex. But there's also excitement and opportunity in sexual play and allure.

Undressing for your husband is good foreplay, because it forces the two of you to slow down a bit, take your time with arousal, and extend an invitation to touch one another.

Still unsure about all this? Just remember that you're undressing for an audience of one, in the privacy of your bedroom. This isn't America's Got Talent. It's sexual intimacy with the man you love.

Let go of your inner critic and stop overthinking it.

Enjoy the journey, because I kid you not, there's a lot of great sex to be had in the journey.

And for more posts on body image, consider these...

A Body that Never Quits (possibly my favorite post of all time)

The Secret to Stopping the Body Image War

Are Body Image Struggles Destroying Sex in Your Marriage?

Body Image: The War Between Feeling Shame and Finding Freedom

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in authentic, body image, passion, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , , , ,

Hot Holy Humorous Sex Book
July 10th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

Hot Holy Humorous Sex Book

Funny story about J. Parker, author of Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God's Design.

When she first emailed me as a fellow sex blogger years ago, she was still writing her blog anonymously at that point.

She was even writing her email to me anonymously.

Or so she thought.

We live hundreds of miles apart, but when I read her email, I knew we were kindred spirits.

You know, just two Christian wives who have an unabashed appreciation for profound sexual intimacy in marriage, indescribable orgasmic pleasure, and good wine.

J. Parker and I love sex and are on a mission to get other Christian wives to love sex.

If God lays stuff on your heart, you'd be wise to heed the call.  God dealt J. Parker and I the "Be a Champion for Sex" card, and we agreed to play that card.

Can you imagine if she and I lived in the same city? Oh the conversations people would overhear us having in coffee shops and wine bars and farmers markets. Good Lord, if people could hear our phone conversations now. Seriously.

Anyway.

I was super glad she emailed me. Obviously because there aren't too many of us Christian wives who are writing specifically about all things sex.

I happily emailed her back, adding to the end of my reply (with a mischievous twinkle in my eye) something along the lines of...

"By the way, just so you know, you have an auto signature on your email. I now know your full name. So much for being anonymous, eh?"

Here we are five or so years later, and we've forged a really good friendship, complete with shared inside jokes about sex, tough conversations about blog topics, and unbridled support for each other when some readers beat us up.  And honestly, we just click really well.

But that friendship isn't why I'm telling you about her book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage By God's Design.

I'm telling you about her book because I know without a doubt it can make marriages better.  I know it.

And the more people (particularly wives) who read this book, the more marriages that can be healed, strengthened and wowed by God's gift of sexual oneness.

So consider this book your opportunity -- your invitation -- to set things right in your marriage bed.  Better yet, consider it your invitation to set things on fire in your bedroom.

Not only is it possible to like sex, it also is possible to savor it, pursue it, value it, protect it and pour into it.

When a husband and wife have this sort of attitude about sex, the impact on their marriage reaches far beyond the sheets, far beyond the intense pleasure of orgasm, far beyond the revelation that God was really on to something when He came up with this idea of sex.

All I'm saying is that this book is a worthy investment in your marriage.  Much to gain. Nothing to lose.

It's $12, people. Check it out:

Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage By God's Design

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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Posted in authentic, orgasm, sex education, sexual intimacy, Uncategorized Tagged with: , ,

never-had-an-orgasm
July 8th, 2016 by Julie Sibert

never-had-an-orgasm

I was talking with a friend and she shared with me what it was like to tell her husband 10 years into their marriage that she had never had an orgasm.

I appreciated her vulnerability, because her experience of going years without sexual pleasure is not unusual.

Maybe her situation mirrors yours to a degree, even if the circumstances vary.

If you've never had an orgasm, I imagine it all has played out one of these ways...

You thought at some point you would have an orgasm, but then you didn't, and that's just "how things are" when the two of you make love.

(Your husband has grown accustomed to a quiet wife during sex and assumes your status quo is fine with you).

Or you kind of get "close" to climaxing.  Something good is going on, but you never quite fall over the edge into profound pleasure.

Or you have been faking orgasm and your husband thinks you are wildly pleased sexually.  And that lie is about to undo you -- make you want to crawl right out of your skin with disappointment, confusion and anxiety.

Regardless of what lack of sexual pleasure has looked like for you thus far, you're now ready for something -- anything -- to change.

Maybe you've heard other women talk about orgasm and you are intrigued about what you are missing.

Or could it be you're beyond intrigue?

You're downright frustrated -- months or years or decades of him in you and on you and with you. Yet something is always missing.  Long ago you reduced sex to a task on your "to-do" list, a mere chore you get through to keep the marriage moving along.

Am I making too much of orgasm?  No.

Sure, orgasm isn't everything.  But it's a very important something.

(And it was God's idea, after all, so we can't really skirt past that bit of relevance either).

Your sexual pleasure -- your intense climax -- is this gift that you want to unwrap and revel in, right?

So how do you tell your husband you've never had an orgasm?

1. Bring up the discussion when you are not having sex.

In the throes of lovemaking is not the time to reveal you've never had an orgasm.  Find a different time and place to address the matter, preferably when you both are well rested, well fed and won't be interrupted by little tykes  (I know. Tall order. But find the space to make it happen).

Sometimes side-by-side communication works better when discussing something awkward or difficult.

Go on a walk.

I found this helpful recently when I had to address something difficult in our marriage (it didn't have anything to do with orgasm, but it was something causing division in our relationship).  There's just something about side-by-side communication that feels less confrontational.

Share with him that you've never had an orgasm.  Be honest in a loving, yet clear, tone.

And if you've been faking orgasm, be honest about this too.

Apologize, and in the same breath say, "My heart was in the right place with it.  I was faking because I didn't want you to feel bad or because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I realize now that me faking it wasn't doing either of us any good."

2.  Learn all you can about orgasm and your body.

If you have never had an orgasm, it's going to take a bit of practice and trial and error to figure out what will help you climax. Just keeping it real with you. That's the truth.

The clitoris is not quite as predictable as the penis, but even so, once you climax, you'll be glad you didn't give up on unlocking its secrets.

If you've never had an orgasm, you're heading into unchartered waters, and it wouldn't hurt to garner some wisdom from trustworthy Christian resources.  I have a whole page on my site about orgasm.

Well. Worth. The. Read.

The more you learn, the more you will be able to get specific with your husband.  Don't assume he knows how the clitoris works. That kind of assumption finds its roots in really unreliable places, like locker rooms, dorm rooms and bars.

3.  Invite your husband on the journey.

Together you can figure this out.  Together you can become more uninhibited in your marriage bed, exclusively pursuing pleasure.  Along the way, my guess is you will find new ways to increase his pleasure too.

He will like this journey.

If your husband is like most, he will be incredibly turned on by you climaxing.  That's the whole reason I wrote the post 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax.  Good read.

And I'm not just saying that because I wrote it.  Or because I really like orgasm.  Or because my husband likes it when I climax.

Okay. Maybe I am saying it because of those reasons, but that's beside the point.

My point is that an orgasm is an indescribably good feeling.  A rush. A release.  An intense physical revelation of oneness in a marriage bed. Seriously.  It's all that and more.

And once you have one, you'll want another.

Don't believe me?  Well. You're just going to have to trust me on this one.

As for my friend, she said she was glad she was honest with her husband and only wish she would have told him sooner.

That's a wise woman, my friend.

Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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