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I want to unpack those today, but first let me say I know this marriage gig is hard work. So hard.
Probably a heap harder than you ever could have imagined back in the day when you were tripping over yourself falling in love with that person you married, right?
There are days I cannot believe how hard it is.
And then there are days when I get why the effort is worth it. I get that marriage is a grown-up party, not just a grown-up responsibility. I see and feel with everything in me that this man -- this guy doing life with me -- is worth my whole heart. My whole body. Every last ounce of my devotion.
And therein we find so much friendship, sexual connection, sacred oneness and rich familiarity that splashes over the edges and spills across the floor of our life.
Do you have those moments, too?
My hope is you do, and that you revel in gratefulness that you have stuck it out. My hope is you enjoy the connectedness, passion and love that mesmerized you in the beginning.
Oh yes. Those assumptions.
It's a real game changer if we can throw open the curtains on these little sticklers and proclaim, "Enough already! Enough. We are better than this. We have it in us to stop letting these assumptions wreck sex in our marriage."
Let's fight the good fight, y'all, and reclaim how astounding sex in marriage can be.
There are a ton of great links in this post, so you'll want to read all the way through.
Without further delay, here are the assumptions you and your spouse are going to have to SLAY if you want extraordinary sex in your marriage:
The social landscape, annoying little memes, snickering from late night talk show hosts, Cosmopolitan on the magazine rack, and shiny sound bytes everywhere have led us to believe that singles are in some kind of super-sized glistening sexual theme park.
And married folk have arrived at nothing more than a pathetic dilapidated one-ring circus.
If you have assumed that it is normal for sex in marriage to descend into a boring and infrequent routine, you have been duped. You may even be perpetuating this narrative in your marriage. If so, that's on you, so own it.
BUT I'm an optimist at heart, so I think you and your spouse have it in you to right the sexual ship, so to speak.
A good place to start is by admitting you haven't embraced all sex can be in your marriage and possibly haven't made it the priority it needs to be. Check out the posts Can Your Marriage Survive Without Sex? and Why the Excuse "Sex Isn't a Need" Doesn't Hold Water and Sexually Speaking, Is Your Marriage a Fraud?
That's what I was thinking when I wrote the post Why God is So Thrilled When You and Your Husband Make Love. (I was even surprised at how well that post did, and I write about sex all the time.)
Sex in marriage does not have to be boring, routine and infrequent. It can be the exact opposite of that.
When We Did This in Bed, It Changed Everything
Is It Biblical for a Wife to Initiate Sex?
Sexual Playfulness in Marriage: 3 Rules to Live By
3 Ways to Have More Fun During Sex
Sex Begins in Church. Not Just in the Kitchen.
5 Fabulous Truths About Sex You Won't See in a Romantic Movie
5 Great Things About Sex When You're No Longer a 20-Something
And if you want a good comprehensive read on sex in marriage, check out my book Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. It makes for an ideal wedding gift, too.
While many of my blog posts come from the angle of husbands wanting more sex, I know that sometimes it is the wife who wants more nurtured sexual intimacy. That's why I have an entire page on my site full of posts for higher-drive wives. Check it out at Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren't Getting It.
Okay, let's keep moving and check out assumption #2.
Did you marry a mind-reader? Kudos to you if you did, but if you're like 99.9% of us, you're going to have to be more forthcoming in giving and receiving feedback if you want to experience awesome sexual pleasure.
For one, a woman's body is full of more idiosyncrasies than I could list. What turns us on at one point in the month may not work a week later. And the clitoris doesn't come with an operating manual, but if it did, I guarantee it would be more than one page.
For two, a man's body isn't all about his penis. Sure, that's what the jokes would tell us -- that he's always thinking with the little head.
But have a mature and honest conversation with most husbands and you'll discover that what arouses them extends beyond the radius of their man parts. (Side note: I don't recommend you have this conversation with random men, because... well... that would just be weird. Maybe just have the conversation with your man).
Want to dig further into this? Consider the post It's Not Just About the Sex, Is It Guys?
Do not assume that your spouse will simply figure out what you find arousing and how to help you thoroughly enjoy orgasmic pleasure.
A better approach is to actually seek to understand and show each other what feels good. Can't form a sentence in the heat of passion? Well, simple words like "more" and "don't stop" and "that's the spot" and "keep going" can be helpful.
In more composed moments when you can speak, tell him exactly what you like. Ask him what he likes. Maybe peruse some Christian sex resources, because there are pa-lenty of options out there!
If you are a married Christian wanting to learn more about sexual pleasure and connection, there is no better time than now! The Christian Marriage Bloggers Association alone has countless Christian blogs specifically on marriage and sex, and some of my favorites are listed at this link.
As a woman, if you struggle having an orgasm, I have an entire page full of posts on orgasm. Seriously, so many posts it is crazy ridiculous.
Guys, if you are reading this, there are a lot of great posts out on there on how to help your wife experience more pleasure, so you too should check out the orgasm page, and possibly start with the post 5 Ways to Help Your Wife Have a Great Orgasm.
Anything is Foreplay if You Want It to Be
Does Your Husband Want You to Be More Sexually Assertive?
6 Ways to Enjoy Giving Oral Sex to Your Husband
3 Reasons It's Sexy to Undress for Your Husband
Great Oral Sex on Vacation. Or at Home.
The Sexiest Thing You Can Do For Your Husband
The Sexiest Way a Wife Can...
3 Ways to Be (Slightly) More Adventurous Sexually
Don't stop reading now! We are slaying these assumptions, so let's keep going!
Have a promiscuous past? Or possibly you were sexually abused? Did you grow up around dysfunctional people (maybe even Christians!) who offered you nothing but skewed or vulgar or non-existent messages about sex? Has body image been a struggle for you?
If any of these experiences describe your circumstances, then you likely arrived at the altar with some pretty tangled perspectives on sex. You scooped them up, drug them into your marriage bed with you, and assumed in the face of the sexual disconnect and disappointment that "this is as good as it gets."
I think there must be a reason more than 1,000 people shared the post 5 Lies Christians Spread About Sex (The Last One is the Worst)
Our past does not map out our future. But we have to be determined to place our trust and healing in the right place. And that right place is smack dab in the middle of God's truth. Because God's heart is that we seek healing, counseling, His Word and solid resources that restore us and equip us to embrace sex in its right context of marriage.
And I know that sometimes what is thwarting sex in our marriage bed isn't what we brought into the marriage, but betrayal that happened after you said your vows. A husband's pornography addiction and adultery would possibly top the list. Maybe it's your own pornography struggles as a wife.
Even as devastating as sexual betrayal is, however, this devastation is not insurmountable if both a husband and wife wholeheartedly commit to leaving sin behind and restoring the relationship. Not easy, but it is possible!
Regarding this assumption that your sexual past or current sexual struggles have destined you to horrible intimacy in your marriage, below are a few posts and resources to consider.
Obviously, this list is not comprehensive. There are countless resources available, so I encourage you to seek and keep seeking until you find something to restore healthy intimacy in your marriage.
Posts and resources worth considering:
3 Ways to Like Sex (When You Hate Your Body)
3 Lies You've Maybe Told Yourself About Sex (#3 is the Worst)
You are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity
Are You Punishing Yourself or Your Spouse for Past Promiscuity?
Shannon Ethridge Women at the Well Workshops
Surprised by the Healer: Hope for Sexual Brokenness
Don't Like Sex? Have You Figured Out Why?
Childhood Sexual Abuse and the Book "Spilled Milk"
On the Threshold of Hope Workbook
Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse: One Powerful Story
Were You a Victim of Sexual Abuse?
Hope and Healing Ministry for Healing from Infidelity
Prodigals International for Sexual Brokenness in Men
Recovery and Healing for Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Addiction
Trapped by Trauma
RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)
I even know of couples who actually divorced and then restored their marriage. AMAZING testimonies from Traylor and Melody Lovvorn and Clint and Penny Bragg. You can check out their ministries at these links:
Whew! Look how far we've come. Don't stop now. We've reached assumption #4:
Oh the humanity! Lies. All lies. Straight from the pit of hell. This assumption is probably the worst of them all. Want to know why? Keep reading.
When there is no reasonable reason a husband and wife couldn't be having sex, then they should be having sex on a somewhat regular basis. To believe otherwise inhibits the relationship from being all it could be.
I know people will disagree with me, but I'm Team God all the way on this one. It's a big reason I wrote the wildly successful posts 5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex and How Long Can a Marriage Go Without Sex?
God never intended sex in marriage to be an inconsequential and sporadic subplot. No, He instead designed it to be an essential and ever-present theme in a marriage, foundational in a way that we will not comprehend unless we explore what He says about sex and intentionally nurture sex in our marriage.
Sex is one of the key ways that God sets the covenant relationship of marriage apart from any other human relationship, and when we really grasp this, we see He did have a purpose for it beyond making babies. God knew marriage would come under great attack. And He knew that to keep it strong spiritually and practically, sexual intimacy would be vital.
Sex doesn't just affect the bedroom. It affects the whole house. Every crevice of your relationship is impacted by the degree to which you can sort out and appreciate and agree with God on this matter of sexual intimacy. I'm Team God all the way when it comes to sex. God is so thrilled when you and your husband make love.
We did it! We made it through 4 devastating assumptions about sex In marriage. So now the real challenge...
Be brave. Unpack that assumption and see if you can do the hard work to replace it with a healthier perspective. Your marriage is worth that effort. YOU are worth that effort. Here's a post to get you started... Are you all in when it comes to sex in your marriage?
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.