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The crux of many couples' sexual intimacy struggles is that one person wants intimacy to get better and the other spouse is completely satisfied with unhealthy status quo.
And status quo may really suck. Like it is so bad. And maybe has been for years. If that describes your situation, I am heartbroken for you and with you.
Occasionally, though, I hear from individuals and couples who are like, "Enough already. I'm ready for something to change. I'm ready for sex to be full of hope and connection rather than despair and distance."
If so, what's the one thing you must STOP first? Look at the below list, and claim which statement(s) best describes the stumbling blocks in your sexual intimacy.
I challenge you to print this list and actually circle the statements that resonate with you. EVEN BETTER, print two copies, and have your spouse circle the statements too. Then compare your two lists to generate authentic conversation toward something better in your sexual intimacy.
...feeling so inhibited about sex.
...clinging to poor body image.
...standing on false sexual beliefs I was taught while growing up.
...expecting that sex should look like it does in movies.
...limiting our sexual intimacy to only missionary position.
...doubting I can heal from past sexual abuse.
...assuming my spouse will know how to sexually please me without me saying anything.
...thinking I will never have what it takes to sexually please my spouse.
...acting like sex doesn't matter to our marriage.
...downplaying my own need for orgasm.
...believing that my past promiscuity prevents me from enjoying sex now that I'm married.
...judging my spouse harshly for desiring me sexually.
...ruminating about sexual struggles, instead of actually doing something about them.
...hiding my sexual sin.
...ignoring my spouse's pleas for more sexual connection.
...pretending there aren't good Christian resources available that could help us in our sexual intimacy.
Okay, once you have circled what you need to stop, now I want you to look below at how I have taken the above statements and written them as a POSITIVE.
I am uninhibited about sex and sexual pleasure, because I know God gives us tremendous freedom in the exclusivity of our marriage.
I think positively of myself and my body, knowing I was created in God's image and that I have what it takes to sexually connect with my spouse.
I know that real sex is better than movie sex, because real sex is real!
I enjoy more than just missionary position, as my spouse and I find several ways to explore each other's bodies and make love.
I embrace enthusiastically that when we nurture our sexual intimacy, our marriage is stronger and healthier (not only for us, but also for those around us!)
I love it when I climax. It makes me feel wonderful and has such a positive effect on our relationship.
I know that my past is in the past. God has forgiven me, and any promiscuity I once participated in is no longer a stumbling block for us experiencing great sex in our marriage now.
I love that my spouse desires me sexually! I crave the feel of my spouse's body close to mine.
I recognize our sexual struggles right away and resolve to do something about them. We have what it takes to overcome sexual struggles.
I listen attentively and respond to my spouse's sexual pleas, because I know our sexual intimacy adds so much to our marriage. I enjoy bringing my spouse sexual pleasure.
I seek Christian resources on sex, gleaning what applies to our situation and growing in our sexual intimacy.
As with any growth, what it really comes down to is, "Are you willing to take that first step?"
You'll notice that in each of the above statements, I have included a link (or a couple of links) to other posts that you may find helpful. The above list is not an exhaustive list, but it can be an initial path.
What ONE thing do you need to STOP doing if you want better sex in your marriage? Sure, you could comment here and tell me. OR a better idea? Tell your spouse.
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.