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Awhile since the two of you genuinely enjoyed sex.
Or even had sex.
The circumstances that usher a married couple into little or no sex are varied, and it's possible I've heard them all.
Some of those circumstances are rooted in painful betrayals, like abuse, infidelity and pornography use.
Some are fueled by empty promises of "Not tonight. But maybe tomorrow."
And some... well... some we couldn't quite pinpoint even if we tried. Life happened, what with its babies and bills and busyness and basketball practice and broken dishwashers and brash calendars.
Life got crazy. And you didn't just push sex to the back burner. You pushed it right off the stove (ya didn't really mean to, but that's what happened).
And I also hear from pa-lenty of couples who are just exhausted and disillusioned with marriage, wrestling more with heartache and heaviness. Instead of resting with hope and happiness.
So whatever circumstances landed you at a sexually-dead marriage, maybe it's time for a new perspective.
I'm an optimist to the core! Yeah for me! And yeah for you, if you're still reading!
And I believe -- genuinely believe -- that nearly all sexually-dead marriages can be revived, if the two people in the mix are willing to walk in that direction.
I know. You hate it that I started here.
But if there are long-standing unresolved sexual struggles in your marriage, no better time than right now to start shedding light on those.
God is totally in the business of redeeming the pain of our past, whatever that may look like, and refining it into His vision for the future.
Your future likely includes hot passionate authentic sexual intimacy, if you're willing to deal with and heal from whatever messed up sex for you in first place.
Everyone wants to know what I think is the secret to great sex. Most are surprised that my answer is friendship.
But not just any friendship. The kind of friendship where a husband and wife intentionally seek after each other's company.
When was the last time you laughed with your spouse?
When was the last time the two of you did something fun together?
When was the last time you really felt like you had each other's back, understood each other's inside jokes, and longed for each other's voice?
Well, my friend, hot sex is hottest when you have endearing friendship with the person who stood next to you at the altar. No lie. It is.
Have you ever noticed that whenever "married" sex is referenced or portrayed in the media or entertainment, it's often made out to be boring and void of any real pleasure?
Sadly, sex in a marriage is used as fodder for jokes, rather than laid out as a passionate opportunity for fun and oneness.
Within the exclusivity of your marriage, you have a lot of freedom to enjoy each other's bodies. No one is privy to what's going on when you shut that bedroom door, and that kind of privacy should inspire us to make the most of it.
As long as your sexual intimacy doesn't involve any third parties (real, portrayed or imagined) and as long as neither you nor your spouse are finding pleasure in causing the other person pain (physical, emotional or spiritual), then you really have a lot of freedom to enjoy sex.
Embrace sexual passion. Enjoy each other's bodies. Try different positions. Get crazy beneath those sheets. Get loud if you want. God is the author of orgasm and sexual arousal in a marriage. Well done, God. Well done.
I know the reason a lot of wives struggle with sex is they are rarely if ever having an orgasm, either because they don't think their orgasm is important (insert sad face here) or they have a selfish husband (insert even sadder face here).
We could get rid of a lot of sexual apathy if both a husband and a wife took great care to help each other climax intensely. To do this well, you have to communicate and learn each other's bodies.
I've long said that healthy patterns are intentional and unhealthy patterns typically are unintentional (we drift into them rather than actively pursue them).
Here's the deal -- whichever way you go will become your normal if you go that way enough.
So if you are intentional about nurturing sexual intimacy and making it a priority often, then that will become your normal. If you are unintentional and let yourself drift into little or no sex, then that will become your normal.
What normal do you really want to be living?
As for me and my marriage, well... you can guess which normal we are loving and living!
If you know of engaged or newly-married women, please help them get their marriages off to the right start sexually by telling them about the March 5, 2016, Pursuit of Passion Event in Omaha!
Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.