Intimacy in Marriage

Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Be His Porn Star? Here’s the Problem…

be his porn starOccasionally, I receive comments that track along this line…

"Wives, you should be his porn star."

While I get the idea behind such statement (at least I think I do), here's the problem...

1. "Be his porn star…" instantly stirs up negative connotations for women.

We as women, especially as wives, are not too keen on anything closely associated with the word "porn."

(I deeply believe that any woman who says she is not bothered by her husband, boyfriend or father looking at pornography is either lying or deceived.)

Pornography has devastated and outright destroyed many marriages.  It doesn't just "feel" like betrayal.  It is betrayal.

You could ask expert upon expert about the effects of pornography on individuals and on marriages, and the people who really study this sort thing (as well as nearly everyone who doesn't study this sort of thing) will agree:

Porn causes horrendous damage to people and to relationships.

It tries to paint promiscuity in a positive light.

It distorts sex, creating completely unrealistic expectations and images.

It objectifies people, particularly women.

It can easily become addictive.

It replaces authentic intimacy with perceived intimacy (that really is anything but intimate).

It makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for the viewer to then connect authentically with their spouse.

It takes what is sacred and manipulates it, all for profit.

It often uses and preys upon people who are already marginalized.

It desensitizes perception of seriously dangerous behaviors of coercion, abuse and bondage.

It destroys trust and causes division and confusion between a husband and a wife.

Suffice to say, any time the word "porn" is brought up, we can't help but face the truth of the damage it has left in its wake.

2.  "Be his porn star…" likely will have the opposite effect.

Here's the irony.  If someone wants a wife to be more uninhibited and adventurous in bed, "be his porn star" is really the last thing they should say to her.

I have not viewed pornography, but I am aware enough of the industry to know what goes on there.

However, just because some sexual acts are depicted in pornography does not automatically make them off limits in marriage.  Context means everything.

For example, many Christians consider oral sex to be acceptable and good within the exclusivity of a sexual relationship between a husband and wife.

And a wife seductively undressing in front of her husband -- or wearing a sexy negligee -- also are experiences that within the covenant relationship of marriage bring variety and sensual stimulation to the marriage bed.

And certainly there are many sexual positions besides missionary position that are not prohibited in marriage.  Wife on top, for example, is a fabulously wonderful position.

All of those things I just mentioned show up in pornography on a regular basis.

And here's where the irony comes in. If a wife hears "be his porn star" and she starts to think that anything depicted in porn is forbidden in her marriage, then she is likely to shut down.

She doesn't want to even entertain the idea of doing something that mingles closely to "be his porn star" jargon.

And that's unfortunate and sad.

Because she and her husband could be missing out on sexual intimacy that is scrumptiously delightful and passionate and pleasurable -- all because she mistakenly thought all things that look like sexual variety are by their very nature also pornographic.

3. "Be his porn star" reeks with a "quick fix" mindset.

Not all struggles in a couple's sexual relationship can be fixed quickly.  "Be his porn star" may suggest to a wife that her legitimate concerns or struggles in bed can be solved simply by dressing sexier or performing any sexual act her husband requests.

This misses the mark, though, when what a couple truly needs is to genuinely dig into those struggles.

It's not that they can't overcome them and have profoundly enjoyable sex. But those struggles didn't show up in one night and they won't be fixed in one night -- especially if "be his porn star" is the vehicle they're using to get there.

So, what is a better approach?

Instead of telling wives "be his porn star," we should encourage women to look closely at their sexual inhibitions. If you are rigidly opposed to any sexual variety, hold those inhibitions up to God's Word and Spirit, and discern if such inhibitions are hurting your marriage more than helping it.

God is faithful to give us solid guidelines on what is acceptable in the marriage bed.  And within those guidelines, sex can be a place of intense  pleasure, excitement and connectedness for both you and your husband.

God, after all, is the mastermind behind sex, so He wants you to enjoy it immensely.  I encourage you to read my post 5 Reasons You May Be Sexually Inhibited, as well as my post Modesty is Destroying Your Sexual Intimacy.

And if you and your husband are experiencing deep-rooted struggles in your sexual relationship, start asking yourselves what it will take for the two of you to look at those struggles and heal those painful places.

Wherever you are in your sexual relationship, I truly believe a husband and wife can play and rejoice upon a path of  healthy, passionate, intimate sexual oneness.  That is a worthy endeavor for sure.

But the phrase "be his porn star" won't do anything to get you there.

Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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January 3rd, 2014 by