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Certainly I am not traipsing on new ground here.
For centuries, authors, counselors and theologians have all dissected the question, "What does it take to get a woman in the mood for sex?"
It's easy to generalize and say that "if he would just help with the kids or do more around the house or have more conversation with me, then I'd be more willing to have sex."
Honestly, though, I hear from countless exasperated husbands who tell me they are just plain fed up with the advice that makes sex a transaction, where bartering consumes much of the energy.
"If you give me this, I'll give you that."
It doesn't take them long to recognize when they've been duped -- when their wife offers countless pre-requisites for sex, only to then change or add to those pre-requisites.
And I know this happens the other way too -- I know that some husbands are the ones laying down the ultimatum. "I'll help more when you give me sex."
And certainly the less-likely scenario is showing up in some marriages as well... where it is the wife who wants more sex and the husband makes empty or half-hearted promises, with no intention to follow through on the carrot he is dangling out there. (Very bad visual. I know.)
I have a whole page of posts dedicated to wives who want more sex and aren't getting it.
Let's push generalities aside for a moment.
What will it take for you and your husband to experience great sex? And by "great" I mean sexual intimacy that is mutually valued, mutually nurtured and mutually enjoyed.
Here are 3 suggestions:
1. Have a conversation.
I wish there was a quick fix to all that ails faltering sexual intimacy in a marriage, but there is no quick fix. There is no way to skirt around the reality that you and your husband need to talk about what sex has looked like and/or meant to your marriage.
And don't think I'm referring just to the difficulties, although certainly if sex has been a source of contention, then those hard issues have to be addressed.
What about the positives? What do you each like about sex? Even if there are only a few things, build upon those.
If "location, location, location" is the key to success in real estate; then "communication, communication, communication" is the mantra for great sex. And by communication, I mean good communication... the kind drenched in grace, vulnerability and a shared desire for things to improve.
2. Stop using lack of time as a reason to not have sex.
Time is such a subjective commodity. What? We literally all have the same amount of time, right? (We each have 24 hours in every day). BUT, what each individual, couple or family has to accomplish within those 24 hours varies greatly from person to person.
In other words, comparing my 24 hours to your 24 hours is hardly an apples-to-apples comparison.
That being said, regardless of your circumstances, to say there is no "time" for sex is more of a symptom statement than a fact statement. It is a symptom that other things have taken higher priority. There is absolutely no way to fix this than to start making adjustments in priorities.
You might be surprised that it doesn't take much of a shift in priorities to actually create more time and energy for sex. But you have to be willing to make that shift... and to recognize your marriage is worth it.
3. Start placing value on your own pleasure.
As a wife, do you view your orgasm as a "nice side benefit" but not "necessary" in the overall lovemaking proposition? Do you think your husband would look at his orgasm that way?
I'm not saying orgasm is everything, but I think we would be downright foolish if we try to argue that sexual pleasure isn't a vital component to awesome sex.
And if you haven't been climaxing, then it's time to right the ship on that pattern. This is likely going to take some humble willingness on the part of both you and your husband to better understand your body, to give feedback, to embrace pleasure, and to recognize that intercourse alone might not do the trick every time.
Gateway to great sex with your husband? Are the two of you willing to find that path? Share this blog post with him and start talking.
It's at least worth the try, isn't it?
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.