marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex
Jun
Disclaimer: This post is directed at marriages where abuse is not occurring. I realize without this disclaimer, some people could assume I am saying that a wife in an abusive situation has no reason to deny sex.
If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive situation, I encourage you to find at least one safe confidante who will help you strategize on how to protect yourself and any children from the abuse.
Also, I recognize that some marriages are dealing with physical or mental illnesses that make sex difficult or impossible for a wide variety of reasons. This post is not written for those situations either.
My humble hope is that this post speaks to wives who possibly have been sexually denying their husbands, treating sex as something inconsequential and don’t realize the toll that could be taking on their marriage.
Recently I received another comment.
From another frustrated husband whose wife has been denying him sex. I get these regularly, so one would think I’m numb to them all. But I’m not. I’m grieved every time.
Because not long ago, in my first marriage, I was the wife doing the denying. I was the wife who thought it was “no big deal” that we rarely had sex and I was the one who thought that “someday” we would get around to figuring out our struggles.
Well, “someday” showed up in the form of divorce papers and another woman. If you are denying your husband sex, I humbly ask you to listen to me. One wife to another.
I want to share with you 5 things you MUST know:
1. If you deny your husband sex, you are missing out on what God has in store for YOU sexually.
I could start rambling endlessly about all that your husband is missing because of your sexual denial, but I want to first focus on you. Here’s the deal—the Cliff’s Notes version you might say—sexual pleasure is God’s idea for both a wife and a husband.
Orgasm, passion, foreplay, being turned-on, soul bonding—all that physical, emotional and spiritual stuff—those elements are all part of God’s plan for sex. And nowhere in His Word does He say he did all that just for husbands.
Nope.
His Word is clear that sex is a gift to both a husband and a wife. God wants you both to experience all the benefits of sexual connection. Orgasm feels good, and as I have often said, there is no other purpose of the clitoris except sexual pleasure in a woman.
Consistent and nurtured sexual intimacy endears you to one another, making it easier to extend each other grace. It has so much potential to be a place of tenderness, passion, fun and even stress relief! I wish I would have known all of this in my first marriage.
2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God’s heart.
Okay, I get that you and your husband have issues. At least I’m guessing that’s the reason behind all the non-existent sex. Or possibly you are the one with big issues that you have been unwilling to address.
Those could be physical issues with hormones, depression or poor health. They could be emotional issues, such as past betrayals, sadnesses, family of origin struggles, or sexual abuse from which you haven’t sought healing. Or maybe they are mis-information issues. You were always told sex was “dirty” or “obligation” or “wrong.”
Whatever the issues, whether they are within your marriage or within your own journey, if they are negatively impacting your sexual desire for your husband, stop pretending like they will resolve themselves.
Do something.
Pray and read God’s Word about marriage and sex. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Go to counseling. Read a Christian marriage book. Stop staying stuck in stagnant status quo.
I know that marriage is complex, and in some marriages, the struggles are deeply shattering. I also know, though, that as long as you are married, you are in a place where God implores you to do what you can to nurture the relationship.
3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.
Oh it sounds so harsh to say it this way, but it tragically is true. Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created. And division is Satan’s go-to tactic. (Divide husbands and wives. Divide families. Divide communities. Divide friends. You get the point.)
That being the case, why on earth would you give Satan any more opportunity to sabotage your marriage than he is already taking all on his own? When you regularly deny sex to your husband—or when you half-heartedly go through the motions sexually—you are opening your marriage up to unfathomable attack.
You are making it easier for your husband to fall into temptation and sin with pornography and adultery. You are watering the breeding ground of resentment and bitterness. In no way am I removing a husband’s accountability to obey God, remain faithful to his marriage vows and steer clear of sexual temptation. I’m just saying that if a man is starving, he will be drawn to any food within his reach, even if it is food that is dreadfully bad for him.
You give your marriage a much better fighting chance if you stop leaving so many doors open to Satan. Having and enjoying sex with your husband helps keep the doors from flying wide open.
4. If you deny your husband sex, you are setting a crappy example for your kids.
If you have kids, they are looking at you and your husband and constantly picking up insights about marriage. This isn’t about giving your kids the impression that marriage is always perfect, because let’s face it, it’s not. But I can only imagine that your heart’s cry is to give them the truth, and the truth is that marriage is a sacred union that is worth tending to.
“But my kids don’t even know what goes on with us sexually,” you may say. Sure, your kids are not privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, but I will bet my last dollar that they sense whether mom and dad genuinely care about each other.
They pay close attention to how you interact and how you show respect and affection. They get things that we don’t think they get. If you intend on training children up in the way they shall go, then don’t forget to live and breath what God says about marriage and sex.
5. If you deny your husband sex, you are hurting the man you love.
I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry. Yes, this is the guy who you entrusted with your heart and life. When you deny sex to him, suggesting with your actions or words that he is an insensitive animal because he wants to make love to his wife, you are hurting him. Why would you want to hurt the person you love?
If you are denying your husband sex, my heart goes out to you and him. Your actions are robbing you both of something profound. For more reading on this, check out my post What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me.
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5-video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I’ve been married now for a little over 8 years but we’ve been in a relationship for almost fifteen years. At first things were great and sex was never an issue but affection never had a common place in our relationship. After marriage I thought that things would change and that as a wife she would then know her role. However, I was wrong! Now I find myself in a very varnuable place all because she continues to reject having sex with either I’m tired, sleepy or not just feeling well. She comes from a family that’s kind of selfless caring and sharing how they feel or how they feel for someone else. So for that matter I give her the benefit of the doubt. But lately being a person who likes to be told I love you and like to have my wife come on to me. Well I’m not getting neither. So I avoid putting myself around other women or placing myself in an environment that would provoke me because I think that should the right women get a hold to me and know what their doing my marriage is in trouble. I’ve talked to her about it but there seem to be no change. At this point I need touch and I’m not getting it and getting attention from some other w I men is very easy for me.
I wish i knew why women publish this sort of thing. How in the world can i be expected to make love to a sexist pig??? A pig that urinates on the floor and says all men do it, a pig that is harsh with our children we made together, a pig that wont stand up to his homisexual father for me. He never cleans beyond being asked he has to be asked to potty train his own daughter.
Im always appauled when a woman advises all xhristian women to “give it up”
You seriously are out of touch there is a readon he us not getting sex hon!
I had pelvic inflammatory disease for several years and it made it hard and undesirable. Now it’s finally not flaring up every time we are intament but he lacks the desire. I am very straight forward with needing foreplay to “get there” but he doesn’t take the time or effort majority of the time, if there is anything at all…. So if anything he’s the one doing the denying… Not me!
Kevin, your situation is pretty normal for men your age. And I agree with you that leaving will be even worse. You will be tortured over your right to see your child. She will blame any marital failure on you. And, amazingly enough, she WILL CLAIM YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DOES NOT LIKE SEX!!! I have seen this over n over in the courtrooms of my State. Mastubation sucks, but it is a whole lot less expensive. And contrary to some Christians…… You will not “go blind” or go to hell. A man needs to get out of a sexless marriage early—like your 20s, 30s, or 40s. Women, except the ones on this blog, just will not admit to refusing.
Women who are refused by their husbands probably suffer just as much (assuming a high sex drive) but they get custody of the children.
Dear “Over Uninformed Christians”, let me say that we are certainly informed why you do not want to make love, have sex, kiss, etc etc your husband!!! If my wife treated me like that I would never have sex with her. Candidly, if it was that bad I would likely divorce her. Counseling is always an option but in your post it does not sound very likely. You will find that there are numerous well written posts by Juile and other fine women here addressing the physically and emotionally abusive husband. There is a lot to read here that is very helpful. While this forum addresses the very present problem of female sexual refusers ( of which there are more than men) it also addresses male sexual refusers and abused wives. Keep reading and you will find others in who are walking in your shoes. Ask for God’s grace just to live one day at a time as you try to make serious decisions about your future.
My wife has a menopause problem with dry uterus. She will not medical help,but said no more sex. I am becoming depressed and no intimacy. Thinking of suicide.
@jack tuckerjrt — I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. I know that sounds like a cliche answer, but the truth is that if you are thinking of suicide, you need the insights of a counselor or trusted mentor who can help you see that your life has value and suicide is never an answer to anything.
As for your wife struggling with menopause, there are various options/treatments, etc. worth exploring. Have you expressed to your wife what the lack of intimacy is doing to you? If she will not listen, I encourage you to write her a letter explaining the depth of your pain the lack of connection to her is causing you. I would then suggest marriage counseling. If she won’t go, then go on your own to not only get the insights of a professional, but also to demonstrate to her that you are willing to do all you can to strengthen the marriage on all levels.
I want to express my views regarding women who refuse sex to their husbands on the following points;
1. Biological forces/needs. Men and women are just not the same when it comes to sexual urges. Men have testosterone and women don’t have that. Now based on this importanat fact alone, we cannot argue with women in this subject because they will never understand the seriousnes of the sexual urges on men. That is why rape is only committed by men and not women (I am not at all condoning rape, I’m just trying to prove the force of testorone).
2. Biblically. Paul explains it very clearly when he said the woman’s body is her husband’s and vice versa. The reason for this is so that there should not be any restrictions when it comes to sex except for mutual consent.
3. You can’t deny sex to a person you love. The reason the two people are married in the first place is to have sex legally within a God blessed covenant. Therefore if a woman refuses to have sex it simply means annulling the original marriage vow.
4. If you continue denying your husband sex, he will be involved in adultery or extra marital affair one way or another. It could start with watching porn, musterbating (with another woman in mind) or looking at other women admiring to have sex with them (that is udeltery according to Jesus)Finally, if your wife continues to deny you sex, pray to God so you can get a reliable God fearing steady concubine and enjoy good quality sex than to buy from prostitutes.
Enos says: “The reason the two people are married in the first place is to have sex legally within a God blessed covenant.”
Having “legal” sex was the furthest thing from my mind when I married. Secondly, if that is the only or primary reason my husband married me, thanks but no thanks.
That is not to say sex is not important or not part of a healthy, thriving marriage, but it is only PART.
ENOS IS RIGHT. EXACTLY RIGHT.
I am unsure of what to post here. I live in a totally sexless marriage, that is, we have sex maybe 5-6 times per year. I am finding myself in the position of totally despising my wife now. After 24 years of marriage, countless arguments and resolutions, it comes down to this. THERE IS NO SEX. When we have sex, it feels like shes just rushing to get through it and be done. So i withdraw, stop pressuring her to have sex, and she gets angry with me! I tell her she denies me having sex, and shoots down any sexual advance i make, and she claims she doesnt! How do you deal with this?
I once had a counselor ask me “what if she were sick, and you couldnt have sex for 6 months”. ARE YOU FRICKING SERIOUS?!?! What a dumb question! There is a universe of difference in “CANT” and “WONT”. Cant is an inability due to the possibility of hurt or harm. WONT is denial. WONT is rejection. IF ANYONE (counselor, pastor) EVER ASKS YOU THAT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!!!
What do you do with this? I havent seen any part of her naked body in YEARS. She denies rejecting my sexual advances, but actually pushes me away when i try. WTF do I do now?
What about the husband not having sex with the wife! I’m in that situation right now, this has been going on for 45 years. We did have sex once or twice and that’s it no more. He told me there is no use for sex except to make kids and he didn’t want any so that’s the end of the conversation on sex. We never associate with each other I go one way he goes another, we haven’t talked or even said hello to each other. He has an apartment in the basement and has worked the midnight shift all these years. He told me he didn’t like being at home with me. We are now in our upper 60’s and way past the time for any intimacy.
This goes out to “Mrs. Over uninformed Christian” get a divorce then and let him find someone who will not complain and who will love him unconditionally jus the way God & his son love us. Let him go and you will be free of all that you complained about. Your problem is solved
she always deny me for sex and I can’t take it anymore.
Thanks!
OK ,first I was sexually abused, starting before I could even read or write ,about 4 or 5 I ‘m assuming ,and second we are not married !!! We have been together for 25plus years ,and yes I’m told we are common law married .I have always tried my best ,to live by God’s 10 commandments, so I have been living in sin all this time. I never ever have liked,nor enjoyed sex ,and I certainly have no desire for it ,I never did… I truly believe in my heart ,if we were married God would change me in that area. Unfortunately ,since the guy I live with told me straight up ,that he didn’t wanna marry someone like me! So what now ? I would love some answers or comments ,all I can get please … I also have a lot that I’m dealing with which doesn’t help matters !
Dear Over Informed Christians, You are 100% right in feeling the way you do. Now please consider that there are many men that are EXACTLY IN THE PLACE THAT SHE DISCRIBED! dear, many husbands have never done any of those things which your husband has done to you. Yet our wives withhold sex from us and cause us to be more vulnerable to porn or an affair. This is some really great non judgmental teaching. Many women just don’t know this. I pray things will get better for you.
Albert Suarez
My experience is that low sex drive or sexual withdraw is a personality issue that affects men and women. Usually Narcissism and lack of empathy.
In a relationship, sexual withdrawal is a tool used to attack a spouse. To make him/her feel like less of a human being. Less loved and unwanted. Its but one tool used by a skillful narcissist or those with unresolved issues.
To Over uninformed. It sounds like he is purposely offending you as you are with him. Its a spiral and one of you needs to stop it. Leave or agree to draw a line and each be better from that point forward.
For those with low drive… why would you possibly think that being with somone with a normal healthy drive was a smart thing. I’ve actually had a Gf lie to me about her drive. She made up stories and desires to suit what she thought would appeal to me. Then when the relationship got serious I found out it was all lies. To what end. Why.
If your not into sex do not date. Get a dog or cat.
What gets me is she can’t tell me why shes not interested. That would help.
Story of my life. 17 years. Met a Bible college. Good Christians with no sexy time before marriage. The idea was that all the “fruit” becomes available after marriage. Wrong! We’ve had sex less than 100 times in 17 years. That would be near 6 times a year. I wish! I married the Sister Teresa type: always concerned about others, carries the troubles of the world, etc. Oh sure, we’ve talked, very open we are, but results in nothing. It’s not like I’m some pig. I’m attentive, listen, creative, help, clean, fold, good dad, fun, helpful, etc. If I weren’t such a moralist, I feel like I would’ve hooked up outside of marriage ages ago, but that pathetic denied husband forever waiting. Sex is the last thing on her mind—ever. Horrible to admit, but sometimes I think of ways to end the marriage so that I could find someone who a) knows what their body parts are for, b) is interested in pleasuring and being pleasured, c) has a healthy sexual interest (at LEAST once a month). I have a broken wife it seems and I sometimes want a refund. At least I’m saying it. I’m not proud of it, but there it is.
Incredible, incredible irony! Welcome to the 21st century, in United States. This country is where a man can receive accolades and adoration from many Protestant denominations and from his government workplace, for having a gay lover or husband. AND YET, a heterosexual man that is tortured by an unloving wife, better not look at a woman or make a compliment to a woman in workplace. This is a sicko country, taking the concept of man hating and perversion to new levels. I work in an environment where I encounter women from all over the world, in the thousands, each week. Want to know the truth? Women from south America and parts of Europe are so respectful and kind towards men. Women from the United States, if they don’t have tattoos, are none-the- less “man-haters” of the most prolific kind, having been brain washed by the public schools at an early age. In other words, I don’t hold out much hope for this country. I am an eighth generation USA male. God does not honor, and will no longer have his hand of protection on a nation that recognizes counterfeit gay marriage, nor a nation of rebellious women. It’s really folks, that simple, regardless of what Rosie O’Donnell or the Kardashians tell you.
I have lived in this agony for years now.
I now take it as the price I must pay for being a Christian.
Sex denial is however a common tool and weapon in her hands.
I sure understand that It Pays to Serve Jesus
When a wife deals with you this way for 2 months even when she knows you’re passionate for sex and faithful to her.
It really pays to serve Jesus.
My husband emailed me this article r/t the pause I’ve put on out sex life. I’m disappointed that this article does not address valid reasons why wives may hesitate to fulfill that part of the marriage role. My situation is this: I am a born again christian, my husband claims to be. There has been a long history of abuse in my home. I’ve been threatened, pushed, punched, etc. The physical abuse stopped after I finally called the police and he started taking an anti- anxiety med. The emotional and verbal abuse continue. Pattern goes like this- he blows up, it name calling, silent treatment, withholding affection, refusal to have a discussion without over -talking me. He talks to family and friends bad-mouthing me to gain sympathy and undercut my support system. (He will claim I have been the one to do all these things- not true.)He then blames my lack of desire for our lack of sex and threatens to find someone else. I haven’t heard “I’m sorry” in years.
What he maintains is that sex will make him want to be a better husband. Sorry, God puts the husband as servant leader with Christ and the church our example. I am not wrong for expecting due benevolence (1Cor 7, greek-kindness). Husbands have a responibility to attempt to meet the particular needs of their wife. Sex may be good for them but will be make a wife feel like it’s just currency to buy some semblance of peace. That is not God’s design for a marriage relationship.
You would never suspect the backround if you met us socially. Sad thing is, statistically my situation is common in the church today. Please in the future, speak to both sides of the story. Good sex is the RESULT of a healthy relationship, not vice versa.
Elizabeth…why are you still with this man then? You should have left after he hit you for the first time. My wife hit me once and then I told her if she ever did it I am bags packed gone with a smile on my face…she never did it again after that.
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My wife and I are married 28 years and have sex once a year maybe. I am an excellent provider, a good father, athletic and in decent shape at 56 years old. She has complained of pain during sex due to menopause. Since I don’t want her in pain I refrain from pressuring her for sex, but suggest other ways we can satisfy each other, massage or oral or whatever at this point. She is uninterested in any of it claiming I am not romantic enough. Here is the problem, at her job when young guys compliment her or show attention to her she transforms into her old self. She comments about hard body guys in movies. Seems to me it may all be an excuse to not bother with me. I am a martial arts black belt, not an out of shape slob, meanwhile she is 60 pounds heavier than when she was younger, she will even criticize me for bathing too often. I think she wants out. Any input is appreciated
My wife and I had fallen into the “life is too busy” trap a few years ago, as we were raising our children. And our physical intimacy had dwindled down to next to nothing… had me really frustrated. During one of our heart-to-heart conversations on the issue, we decided that we should schedule sex into our week. I know… I know… So many folks will immediately say “UGHHHH! Scheduled sex? That’s stupid!” But we accidentally discovered that by having a scheduled time each week, it removed essentially ALL of the pressure over who would initiate and when. And having all of that pressure removed was very freeing.
That was several years ago… and it was a huge turning point for the positive in our marriage. Now, no matter how busy and crazy and stressful our week has been… We always know what we will be doing together beginning at 7am each Saturday morning… :>)
I refused my husband sex for about 6 months…….we were very active before but I discovered he was cheating online with several ladies. On refusing him, resentment set in and i wished he would just serve me divorce papers. After 6 months we made love since then I’ve been able to relate with him better and even forgive him.
I would like to say the reason I deny my husband SEX, is because he’s VERY MEAN, DISREPECTFUL, RUDE, SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, SMELLY, NONCOMPASIONATED, WE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 20YRS & I DONT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT FROM HIM…TO BE HONEST I HATE HAVING SEX WITH HIM HE’S SO MEAN TO ME??THAT I CAN EVEN BRING MY SELF TO ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH HIM, & WHOM EVER SAD WORDS DON’T HURT, IT’S A LIE, HURTFUL WORDS STAY WITH YOU FOR A LONG TIME…..TO BE HONEST MY MARRIAGE MAY BE OVER??? THERE IS NO REASON A WIFE SHOULD HAVE TO BEG HER HUSBAND TO LOVE HER???
I would like to say the reason I deny my husband SEX, is because he’s VERY MEAN, DISREPECTFUL, RUDE, SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, SMELLY, NONCOMPASIONATED, WE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 20YRS & I DONT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT FROM HIM…TO BE HONEST I HATE HAVING SEX WITH HIM HE’S SO MEAN TO ME??THAT I CAN EVEN BRING MY SELF TO ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH HIM, & WHOM EVER SAID WORDS DON’T HURT, IT’S A LIE, HURTFUL WORDS STAY WITH YOU FOR A LONG TIME…..TO BE HONEST MY MARRIAGE MAY BE OVER??? THERE IS NO REASON A WIFE SHOULD HAVE TO BEG HER HUSBAND TO LOVE HER???I SO TIRED OF BEEN UNHAPPY, IF I NOT HAPPY, I CAN’T BRING MY SELF TO HAVE SEX I’M SORRY I JUST CAN
@Michael Can you convince my wife of this? I’ve tried bringing up having a night when “we go upstairs, take off our pants, and see what happens” but she doesn’t like the idea of “scheduled sex.” Having sex at least once a week would be better than what we’re doing right now, which is basically never. I’ve went from LD to HD and now I’m losing my mind. (She’s still used to a barely existing sex life.)
All I want to do is give her massive amounts of pleasure, and all she wants to do is watch “Fuller House” on Netflix.
So what’s the big deal with sex? I mean if you really think about it, it’s very primitive and isn’t just pleasure of the flesh if you’re not doing it to conceive? People give way too much importance to sex. Life happens, kids, careers, jobs, illness, etc. Like one of the above ladies asked, “is it really why people get married, to have sex?. I thought it was to form a family and home. Sex is ONLY part of the equation. If it’s not, we’re definitely a very primitive species and sad too. There’s more to life…
@MG
Good sex is not the only important ingredient in a successful, happy and lasting marriage. But, if you just read the many comments on this blog and other marriage blogs you will be compelled to acknowledge that good sex is a very important ingredient for a happy, strong and lasting marriage. Married couples neglect sex at their peril.
I have not yet seen something so important left to survive by chance and experimentation rather than factual learning and preparation . Marriage they say is the sacred union between man and wife , an institution symbolic of God’s bond with His church but how did we miss the opportunity to put this subject in the curriculum of our education systems. The answer is perhaps that the Authorities do not have any interest in the survival of marriages . Most people would have been prepared for the truths that are mentioned in this article and many others about the centrality of sex in marriages . It is just simple , if No sex , No marriage . A vehicle cannot move without fuel , unless you push it with your strength that leads eventually to pain . Please don’t fool yourselves , if you don’t like sex , don’t get married , period . Good sex sustains marriage . I can get all other things from friends , siblings and relatives , but SEX is what I get from my wife .
I enjoy having sex with my husband but have difficulty getting in the mood when we are not getting along. If we have an argument he can get nasty and makes me feel devalued. He’ll say hurtful things that makes me question whether he loves me or not. Rarely does he apologize and it just hurts. When we have sex without resolving the issue i feel used and violated. I need to be emotionally intune with him in order to give myself freely and openly, to enjoy sex both physically and mentally. I recently had sex with him while not resolving an issue we had and all i did was cry silently.
Reading the Bible helps. I and my wife are happy thanks to http://www.bibaudiosoft.com
I was so lazy to read the Bible or go to church then I bought Bibaudiosoft from Amazon.com
All answers to the problems I face with my wife or others are in it.
All I do is I search and listen to the audio Bible which I must say is the best ever.
Joe
Reading so many of these posts, I identified with so much of what different people have said. My wife and I will be married 16 years this year. We both grew up in Christian homes but did have sex before marriage, a lot of it. After marriage, it happened about once a month. I needed to bond, to feel close and I’m a man, physically, I needed to have release.
It ended up I started taking prescription anti-depressants to deal with rejection and anxiety brought on by living in a sex-less marriage. The rejection hurt so bad. After a while, I became very grumpy. My urologist told me I had to masturbate at least 5 times a week or I was going to have serious issues. When I told my wife this, she thought I was using it as a means of manipulation. This stuff went on until year 7 of marriage. Then, my wife had an awakening. She wanted to have sex and actually tried new things. As it would turn out, she conceived our third child, a daughter. This daughter brought on a very painful pregnancy which resulted in no sex again. I took care of my wife. But, it took it’s toll on me, the lack of intimacy. The following year, after our daughter’s death, my wife conceived on birth control (yet again). This time the pregnancy was rough as well and we had twins which resulted in a lot of sleepless nights and exhaustion for both of us. Sex was falling by the wayside, as was our marriage.
She gave me sex after all of this but so much damage was already done. I couldn’t be intimate, it was just sex. As many circumcised men may know, after years of chaffing, desensitization happens. It became harder for me to be turned on and I got to where I didn’t want it as much and it hurt emotionally because I never got over feeling rejected.
Fast forward until 2013 and I finally had enough. Something I had asked for for years was oral sex, for me. Selfish? Damn straight! I wanted it and after years of living in sex purgatory, I was angry. She still refused. So, I went outside our marriage on three occasions. I had three different, complete strangers do to me what my “wife who loved me” refused to do. I was a good husband, her words, good provider, good father and still, I got sex more frequently but my hurt was totally not something she “got.” In the end, I confessed and truthfully, I didn’t want someone else giving me oral sex. I gave it to my wife willingly and she accepted. She had many an orgasms through it.
I’ve learned a couple things throughout the years.
Women, quit waiting until you “feel” like it. Take the bull by the horns and get it done. Teach your man to be intimate, DO NOT MANIPULATE with sex! You will ruin what could be a very good thing and man. Assuming the wife is healthy and there are not issues of abuse to overcome, DON’T create issues.
Second, this is something I was not taught about myself but men NEED INTIMACY! I’m not just talking about sex. Men need to be close to their wives. Men need to be in their wives and men need to be close to their wives. Sex is more frequent now and better than ever. Part of it was realizing I need more than just to get off. Sometimes, it feels like something in my chest is breaking open when we are sexually intimate. Sometimes, I just need to be in her, on top with our chests together, NOT moving! Sometimes, it’s about being close.
Third, something we didn’t realize but sex is different for women and men if a man is circumcised. There’s a book online called, “Sex as Nature Intended It.” It is about men restoring their foreskin. I’m circ’d and would do it again because of my faith. However, I would have MUCH LESS skin removed. What my wife and I have discovered as I’ve restored is that the glans (the head, tip) of a man’s penis is supposed to be moist and supple, like the inside of an eyelid. Not to be too graphic but my wife now has crazy orgasms (she had them before but these are different). She has cervical orgasms because my glans is no longer dried out chaffing the inside of her vagina. Also, I have much more feeling and it takes little movement for me to experience pleasure, allowing our bodies to be closer, something I need but wasn’t taught I would need. Also, I have full body orgasms versus just a “release.”
I’m still dealing with a lot of hurt from years of rejection. I don’t know how to process it. Sometimes, I feel very unloved. I am still waiting to receive good oral. I don’t want it because I’m a pig. I want it because it feels really good. Being told no or it being ignored makes me feel ignored. I don’t want her to “submit.” In fact, that’s the last thing I want. I want her to want to give it to me like I want to give it to her. I realize, she will likely never get there. I’m not sure how to deal with that rejection and it brings up all of the other rejection from the past.
Oh well, that’s part of my story. My wife isn’t a bad woman, she can be lazy and selfish. She can be very hard-working and likes to give to others more than her own family, something we’ve both dealt with personally and she is working on it. For me, there’s no one outside her and my kiddos.
It’s been good reading some of these comments. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I wish we had a local support group for this, to encourage one another and to bounce ideas off of one another.
If you aren’t pleasing your husband, I can assure you that someone else is. Whether you believe it or not women, and whether or not you men admit to it. Maybe if you wouldn’t deprive him in the bedroom, he would would actually care more and help out more with housework and with the kids. You bring it upon yourselves women!
I know it is not my place to understand why God does what he does and that pondering it is simply a pointless exercise. Still, from my own experience and what I read here I must wonder why he puts so many people, so many Christians, with completely “mismatched sex drives” together. It leads to so much pain and so many failed marriages.
We were such good friends when we married.
But without physical intimacy the relationship changes. The things that hold you together, the things you share are literally JUST the “things” of life (property, friends, kids). The love becomes more familial – which is fine from your parents and siblings but not what you want from your spouse. Not what I need from one other special person on this planet. A physical relationship is a part of growing your intimacy as a couple. It is what you two can share that no one else in the world knows about or can take away from you or come between.
Yet, overtime, her lack of interest in physical intimacy has killed even the familial love.
While I would never dream of “making” her have sex with me, it seems to be okay for her to (in effect) say that I have forfeited the right to my own body and that SHE has decided that I can never expect to have sex again.
You don’t think THAT will change your feelings towards another person?
I prayed for years that the Lord would at least change my wife’s heart towards counseling. Nothing. No response.
Now I find myself praying the Lord will just take me in my sleep and deliver me from this failed marriage.
Ladies, don’t believe “The Truth.” There are many, many low drive women out there whose husbands are completely faithful. I’m one of them. The notion that we’re getting it somewhere else is lunacy. And, I help out with housework and the kids even without the hope or promise of a sexual reward.
It’s hard to have sex with your husband once he’s called you fat and ugly, along with many many more hurtful words. Then he send me the link to this site. Oh please, I don’t feel bad one bit!! Maybe he will wake up and realize he caused it upon himself.
I did not hear “THE TRUTH” say a word about “women getting it somewhere else”??? You INFERRED he did. THAT made your comment much more interesting that you would raise an issue not being discussed?
Now, if their husband is abusive and a with-holder I CAN UNDERSTAND why a wife might be “getting it somewhere else”. And I will not cast stones at her.
If you are one of many, many low drive women with a faithful husband he is a martyr. Keep him at all costs. My suggestion is you and your friends work on your low sex drive problems before one of these “nice guys” drops the DIVORCE bomb on one of you. John R
What about not wanting to be a part of lies, cheating a the desperation of Husbands who have confidence issues, no matter how you engage, motivate, give and show love and respect? I’m a woman of God, who truly loves my husband. There are forms of spirits who pray on weak women and men, more so men. When a man is unfaithful, his wife feels it in her spirit and often physically. She may not have any proof or facts, however, another women’s sexual demons can invade your spiritual space, mind body and spirit. Masturbation and porn are doors that allowing these spirits to enter and destroy your life. Only God can heal, restore and renew. For many, it has nothing to do with low sex drive. For me, I restrained from having sex with my husband because, I began to get sick and it was no longer a good feel. I felt dirty. Later, I found out he had an addiction to sex, that could never feed. Don’t be deceived, listen to only God and yourself. I my heart I knew. After 32 years I left. I asked him if we could see someone, but he declined. I love me more!
Marriage is crap; men-don’t do it. You will be refused/denied/lied to etc etc and God forbid you slip after YEARS of rejection, you’ll be the one who loses your house, your kids, a big chunk of your income etc. Not to mention your reputation, while she sits pretty among all her “church” friends, the long-suffering wife/betrayed spouse-who is JUST as guilty of not obeying God’s command for marriage. But whatever. I’m done with trying. I’m like a poster who said he wished God would just take him in his sleep; I’d rather die than live another 20-30 years like this.
Men, first of all quit watching porn, stop masturbating (it’s s form of idolatry, as it only benefit yourself). Stop putting yourself in situations where temptations are. Me and my wife has been married for close to 19 years and last year I can count on my hand how many times we had sex and none this year. Even though she has major medical issues I still feel rejected and ugly and unwanted. I feel like I’m just her wallet and care taker. I love her more than anything and I do anything and everything for her. Her mom hates sex and often bad mouths her husband about his intimacy needs. I don’t know if my wife gets her ways for her mom.
I agree with TW if you aren’t ready for a relationship with intamacy then by all means please don’t lie to him only because you want to get married, I’ve been married for 35 yrs and to her sex is a bad word we have no intamacy at all, she said she was a virgin before we actually were together come 6 years after we married she tells me she had been abused as a child we go to counciling together buts it’s been over 5 years since we had sex and to be honest I m very lonely and feel unimportant in this marriage I have been patient but it’s hard
The only thing remotely ok with these 5 “tips” is number 5. The rest is bs that allows the majority of the blame for marital failings to lie with women.
Uma could not be more wrong… God has a perfect plan and those who deny His plan will simply live a life of misery.
Hi I’m Daniel married 35yrs with no intamacy or sex she was abbused as a child, so she has her issues and I try to understand so I’ve been waiting for her but it’s been soo long I’m now 55 but I still have a need and want for intamacy / sex I’m not a slob no offense to anyone but I try to help in all ways wash dishes throw trash cut yard listen too her work stories I’m even at the point of sleeping in other room cuz she won’t let me touch Herod bring up sex she will get up and leave to couch I guess I’m just tired of waiting I don’t know what to do I know one thing I hear these ladies out there that are going without from their husbands, I sympathize with you and I can tell you that men go threw it too and I think it’s very hurtful and darn right depressing I need some advise please