marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex
Jun
Disclaimer: This post is directed at marriages where abuse is not occurring. I realize without this disclaimer, some people could assume I am saying that a wife in an abusive situation has no reason to deny sex.
If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive situation, I encourage you to find at least one safe confidante who will help you strategize on how to protect yourself and any children from the abuse.
Also, I recognize that some marriages are dealing with physical or mental illnesses that make sex difficult or impossible for a wide variety of reasons. This post is not written for those situations either.
My humble hope is that this post speaks to wives who possibly have been sexually denying their husbands, treating sex as something inconsequential and don’t realize the toll that could be taking on their marriage.
Recently I received another comment.
From another frustrated husband whose wife has been denying him sex. I get these regularly, so one would think I’m numb to them all. But I’m not. I’m grieved every time.
Because not long ago, in my first marriage, I was the wife doing the denying. I was the wife who thought it was “no big deal” that we rarely had sex and I was the one who thought that “someday” we would get around to figuring out our struggles.
Well, “someday” showed up in the form of divorce papers and another woman. If you are denying your husband sex, I humbly ask you to listen to me. One wife to another.
I want to share with you 5 things you MUST know:
1. If you deny your husband sex, you are missing out on what God has in store for YOU sexually.
I could start rambling endlessly about all that your husband is missing because of your sexual denial, but I want to first focus on you. Here’s the deal—the Cliff’s Notes version you might say—sexual pleasure is God’s idea for both a wife and a husband.
Orgasm, passion, foreplay, being turned-on, soul bonding—all that physical, emotional and spiritual stuff—those elements are all part of God’s plan for sex. And nowhere in His Word does He say he did all that just for husbands.
Nope.
His Word is clear that sex is a gift to both a husband and a wife. God wants you both to experience all the benefits of sexual connection. Orgasm feels good, and as I have often said, there is no other purpose of the clitoris except sexual pleasure in a woman.
Consistent and nurtured sexual intimacy endears you to one another, making it easier to extend each other grace. It has so much potential to be a place of tenderness, passion, fun and even stress relief! I wish I would have known all of this in my first marriage.
2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God’s heart.
Okay, I get that you and your husband have issues. At least I’m guessing that’s the reason behind all the non-existent sex. Or possibly you are the one with big issues that you have been unwilling to address.
Those could be physical issues with hormones, depression or poor health. They could be emotional issues, such as past betrayals, sadnesses, family of origin struggles, or sexual abuse from which you haven’t sought healing. Or maybe they are mis-information issues. You were always told sex was “dirty” or “obligation” or “wrong.”
Whatever the issues, whether they are within your marriage or within your own journey, if they are negatively impacting your sexual desire for your husband, stop pretending like they will resolve themselves.
Do something.
Pray and read God’s Word about marriage and sex. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Go to counseling. Read a Christian marriage book. Stop staying stuck in stagnant status quo.
I know that marriage is complex, and in some marriages, the struggles are deeply shattering. I also know, though, that as long as you are married, you are in a place where God implores you to do what you can to nurture the relationship.
3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.
Oh it sounds so harsh to say it this way, but it tragically is true. Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created. And division is Satan’s go-to tactic. (Divide husbands and wives. Divide families. Divide communities. Divide friends. You get the point.)
That being the case, why on earth would you give Satan any more opportunity to sabotage your marriage than he is already taking all on his own? When you regularly deny sex to your husband—or when you half-heartedly go through the motions sexually—you are opening your marriage up to unfathomable attack.
You are making it easier for your husband to fall into temptation and sin with pornography and adultery. You are watering the breeding ground of resentment and bitterness. In no way am I removing a husband’s accountability to obey God, remain faithful to his marriage vows and steer clear of sexual temptation. I’m just saying that if a man is starving, he will be drawn to any food within his reach, even if it is food that is dreadfully bad for him.
You give your marriage a much better fighting chance if you stop leaving so many doors open to Satan. Having and enjoying sex with your husband helps keep the doors from flying wide open.
4. If you deny your husband sex, you are setting a crappy example for your kids.
If you have kids, they are looking at you and your husband and constantly picking up insights about marriage. This isn’t about giving your kids the impression that marriage is always perfect, because let’s face it, it’s not. But I can only imagine that your heart’s cry is to give them the truth, and the truth is that marriage is a sacred union that is worth tending to.
“But my kids don’t even know what goes on with us sexually,” you may say. Sure, your kids are not privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, but I will bet my last dollar that they sense whether mom and dad genuinely care about each other.
They pay close attention to how you interact and how you show respect and affection. They get things that we don’t think they get. If you intend on training children up in the way they shall go, then don’t forget to live and breath what God says about marriage and sex.
5. If you deny your husband sex, you are hurting the man you love.
I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry. Yes, this is the guy who you entrusted with your heart and life. When you deny sex to him, suggesting with your actions or words that he is an insensitive animal because he wants to make love to his wife, you are hurting him. Why would you want to hurt the person you love?
If you are denying your husband sex, my heart goes out to you and him. Your actions are robbing you both of something profound. For more reading on this, check out my post What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me.
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5-video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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MamaB — Just tell him! He is not a mind-reader. If you are taking care of your husband like you say you are, I would bet money he will return taking care of you IF HE KNOWS what you want.
Julie — great article. I wish my wife would get this. She has been denying me since we got married (“I wasn’t raised that way”, “only sluts wear that”, “only whores do that”, “why are you so horney?” — in context of being naked in front of me, wearing sexy lingerie, doing anything that would visually excite me, and having sex multiple times a week). Needless to say, she has some big hang-ups with sexuality.
I don’t want to excuse any of my bad or sinful choices, but I do want to confirm what you are saying less anybody have doubt.
In 22 years of marriage, and as a direct result of continued sexual denial, I have:
– Grown to bitterly resent my wife and my marriage. I see it as the greatest mistake of my life.
– Don’t even bother pursing her anymore…ever.
– Could care less about anything romantic.
– Do not go out of my way to make her happy anymore because it is too painful.
– Really don’t even care about our marriage beyond maintaining sufficient stability for our son.
– Don’t have energy / willpower to try working on other marital issues. Issues that could be resolved with some effort on both our parts.
– Know I have my own issues impacting our marriage, but am literally unable to work on them without being overcome by anger.
– Have lost any feeling of intimacy we might have had right after marriage…there is no “we” and I doubt there ever will be.
– Laid awake at night wishing she would leave me, I would die, or she would die.
– Tried to figure out if a safe way exists (aside from castration) to remove my sex drive.
– Experienced extended bouts of significant depression.
– Fallen into deep pornography addiction (which God pulled me out of, but resisting temptation is unfathomably difficult).
– Attempted to have an affair (I can only praise God for creating situational elements preventing this from happening each time).
– Seriously considered engaging with a prostitute.
– Had reoccurring thoughts of suicide.
– Have absolutely no hope our marriage will be anything more than two room-mates sharing a house.
– Plan on getting a job involving extensive travel as soon as my son goes to college.
I’m not fooling myself into thinking we would be trouble-free if my wife did not have issues with sexuality (issues she is unwilling to resolve). But I will say none of the items listed above would be present in our marriage had she only been able to say “yes”.
Before anybody wants to write this off as me just being a bad husband…I spent years really trying. So much that women would regularly comment “I wish my husband would do that”. No more.
I’m writing this not to complain, but because I hope others can avoid the trap my wife created for us.
Former Henderson GVR — I must question if your story is real or made up. I question only for these reasons:
1) What you describe, while possible, is certainly out of the ordinary.
2) Many people have devoted themselves to making Christians look bad. Such people regularly make things up.
If your story is legitimate, my heart also goes out to you. I am so sad that your experience of what a “Christian” is deviates drastically from real followers of Jesus. The Bible presents a picture of Christianity that is very different. So different, in fact, that we would have to seriously question if the people you describe are actually Christians, or call themselves that because it seems fashionable.
Do all people sin? Yes. Do Christians still sin at times? Yes. Do I sin? Sure. But the Christian life is not about excusing sin because you are forgiven. It is about having a relationship with the very God who created us — and who loves us in spite of our sin. As this relationship develops, we sin less and show Jesus more.
Do Christians still have problems? Deep, deep problems at times? Obviously. But again, living for Christ does not mean our problems — or the consequences of past sins — are magically taken away.
Think of it like a father / child relationship. Our children disobey, but we correct them and teach them over time to do what is right. Our children have problems, but if we are good fathers we support our children through their problems.
Because a child disobeys or has problems, should we say nobody should be a child? Obviously not.
If you say no to your husband, he will cheat because you ruefully unleashed Satan on your marriage? Wow, this is the tactic my step father must have used to get my mother to take him back…. I’ve got news for you crazy brain washed broads… It takes 2 to make love and two to destroy a marriage. If a woman doesn’t FEEL like having sex then HE hasn’t made her feel special, beautiful, his one love… We are emotional creatures and its our emotions than control our sexual hormones… And this article is SOLEY blaming women for the lack of sex in a marriage?! So sleep with him so Satan doesn’t tempt him? Give me a f****** break! He’s a grown ass man who made the vow and shouldn’t be given such “Divine” excuses… This post blows my mind you’re brainwashed by whoever fed this to you…
@Kristal… wow, you seem angry. I think you misunderstood my post, but I imagine we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one.
Thank you, though, for taking the time to comment.
Julie, I found your blog several days ago, and this post just a few moments ago. Thank you so much for all that you do to help those of us out here who want and need more intimacy in our marriages. I am unfortunately a wife who refuses my husband. It has been months and months…in fact I cannot remember the last time we were intimate. I will be brief about my issues. During the birth of my second child, something tore, which required stitches in my clitoris. I can still have orgasms. I’ve never experienced one while having sex. Next issue is, I met my current husband online. We are both Christians. We’ve been married 7 years. I did not love him when I married him. I liked him a lot. I trusted that God would give the love for him, sort of like an arranged marriage. I have grown to love him, but never that “in love” kind of feeling. That does not matter to me. I would like very much to please him. He has been wonderful to me. He is my best friend. However, I am on some pretty strong medications for depression. I have NO desire to be touched. To make it worse, my dear husband has no idea how to go about initiating sex. He grabs my breast and twists my nipples, which really hurts, or he puts his hands down my pants, and that’s it for foreplay. My natural instinct is to push his hand away. He gets angry and that’s that. When we do have sex, he says if I don’t have an orgasm, it’s no good for him. I have to fake it every time, which turns into work for me. I never, ever, ever enjoy sex. It never feels good. We don’t have good communication at all. I really don’t know how to fix this. He jokes about finding a surrogate sex partner. He no longer initiates, and when I used to, he would refuse, saying that he “forgot how”. Just like the other men who have posted here, he is grouchy, angry, withdrawn, etc. We do make excellent friends and roommates. 🙁
@Wanting to be Good: Thank you so much for sharing so vulnerably. I know that takes courage.
Here are a few suggestions…
First of all, it is very encouraging that you can still have orgasms. Not surprising that it may be difficult to climax during intercourse. Have you ever explained this to your husband? I recognize that this will require that you humble yourself and admit that you have been faking orgasm, but the sooner you shed light on this the better. Approach it honestly… that you didn’t want him to feel bad, but over time you began to realize that faking it wasn’t really helping either of you (for one thing, it introduces a lie into your marriage bed, which certainly isn’t good).
Ask for his forgiveness and express to him your deep desire that together the two of you work to nurture sexual intimacy so it is enjoyable for both of you and happening more frequent than it has been.
The past does not have to dictate the future.
The other thing you need to try to help your husband understand is that the clitoris is not always as responsive as the penis. The amount of stimulation may vary… for example, can you incorporate more oral sex, more manual stimulation, different positions, etc. It’s no wonder that if you haven’t been having orgasms, then sex is a chore. You deserve to experience pleasure… God designed orgasm for both a husband and a wife. Consistent sex without climax is boring and difficult.
The goal obviously is transparency in your intimacy… that you and him both feel complete freedom to express what feels good, what sex means to you, etc. God designed sex to draw a husband and wife closer… emotionally, spiritually, physically. And that certainly is possible, but most couples who experience profound sexual intimacy would quickly admit that it takes genuine effort to understand each other’s bodies, to listen, to both initiate, etc.
If generating this conversation in person is too difficult, consider writing him a letter… with a tone of love and commitment that you want the intimacy to be better. You may then say in the letter, “My hope is that this letter is just the beginning of more face-to-face conversation about this intimate area of our marriage.”
Of course, if he is open to it, don’t rule out marriage counseling. Sometimes a counselor can be exactly what a couple needs to develop the kind of conversation that moves them toward solution and away from unhealthy patterns.
Even though you and your husband have been stuck in this unhealthy cycle of no intimacy (or intimacy that includes faking orgasms), it is possible to develop new, healthier patterns. It is possible. God is a god of redemption and hope. That’s his business… making things new.
I hope some of this is helpful. Be encouraged! Thank you for writing!!
Our problem started 13 years ago after i broke my hip,and we started sleeping in seperated rooms,he then said he enjoy sleeping alone we tried a couple times after that but he said i would pull the covers off of hin,,then he got an enlarge prostate and ed,but i found out he was trying with the women across the st but he still could not he and her had oral sex ,now that the affair is over he is going to a doctor and will have to get surgeyto reduce the prostate,and now l have being trying to win hin back in my bed but he still gives me the cold shoulder unless i ask for a kiss and hug from hin he will but say to me he is not used to during so ,me very sad
What about when your husband denies you sex?
@MeMe… here is a link on my site that includes many blog posts that address the issue of a wife who wants sex and the husband denies. You may find some helpful information you can glean from…
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
My husband is very angry at me for withholding sex. We have been married almost 8 years. When we first got married, things were very good.
But then there were times that we had sex twice a week. He would complain and say he needed sex three times a week. Then he started calling me names and putting me down. He would never apologize. While I was angry and hurt, we wouldn’t have sex for several days.
But then he got physically abusive. He began to follow me around, push and pull me. Once he knocked down a door to get to me. Another time he had pushed me up against he wall with his hand around my neck. The names and cursing got worse. I was deeply wounded.
Eventually, it got to where I stayed away from him for weeks. He never apologized and always thought I deserved what I got.
We are now separated (again). He gave me a petition for divorce. And even while separated, he accuses me of failing to give him the sex he’s biblically entitled to. It makes me feel cheap and worthless….he doesn’t respect me enough to care for my emotional well-being, but he still wants sex. He says he is angry because I didn’t give him sex as often as he wanted.
Excuse me for not wanting to sleep with the enemy.
I have tried very hard to be close to him again…and I just cannot. I am a strong Christian…my father is a pastor. I grew up deeply rooted in the Word….and naive. The older I get, the more I realize you can’t put everyone in the same pot.
I have spent 8 years being bullied, harassed, belittled, berated, cursed at, threatened, manipulated, and physically/mentally/emotionally abused. Oh yes, there have been many wonderful times. It’s not all been bad…but the “drip drops” over the years have sent me recently into a depression I’m battling to get out. I feel on the brink of a nervous breakdown because he will not stop harassing me about sex….even though we are separated.
He says he is angry because I stay away from him longer and longer periods each time I’m upset with him. Well, yes I do. But it’s because I’m afraid to be close to him. I’m afraid I will let my guard down and he will hurt me again.
So, yes…I’m denying my husband sex. I really don’t want to be with him anymore, and that bothers me….because I don’t want my marriage to fail. I just don’t know how to overcome this. I’ll be honest, I don’t think he deserves my love and affection — at least not until he can acknowledge his abuse and change it.
@Renee…. I am deeply saddened by the way your husband has treated you. He has been abusive and you have every right to set good boundaries to keep yourself safe. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (http://www.ncadv.org/) may also be a helpful resource for you.
I would never suggest that a woman (or a man for that matter) stay in what is clearly an abusive relationship. At the minimum, separation can be a wise step to determine if the abuser truly is repentant and is willing to do the intentional and hard work of building a healthy relationship. And in some situations, reconciliation is not possible and divorce is the outcome.
My thought is that if an abuser is unwilling to change their destructive patterns, they have clearly already “left the marriage.” You do not owe sex to someone who has “left the marriage.”
I don’t think any Christian who has truly sought the Word and the Holy Spirit would consider it wrong for you to set boundaries to keep yourself safe. Anyone who would tell an abused person to stay in the line of abuse all in the name of avoiding divorce is definitely skewing God’s Word in my opinion.
Be encouraged and definitely find a safe support network that will pray with you and help you discern the best choices to make for your safety and your future.
When I met my wife, we never talked about religion. I’m atheist, so it’s something I’d never bring up in conversation.
We got pregnant within a few weeks, and bought a house and had our first baby within the first year.
After we had the baby, my wife said she wanted to go back to church! I had no idea she was Christian. And to be honest, if I knew before hand, the relationship would not have gone any further.
We now have 3 children. But our relationship is always strained. I’m never given a voice regarding religion to the children. When my children have asked in the past, why I do not believe in God and that they are scared that I will go to hell because I do not believe, my wife shuts me up before I open my mouth.
Her religious beliefs are a detriment to our sexual relationship (reading the bible in bed, is a big enough turn off to start with). She’s not giving in bed or even very receiving at times. Her Christian beliefs have completely changed her in bed. She no longer comes on to me, she will not even go on all fours because of her beliefs. I’d go as far to say that I prefer masturbating, it is so boring in bed.
I try my best to be a good lover, always have done. I can last in bed as long as I want to, as it’s harder for me to orgasm than it is not to (delayed/retarded ejaculation). This has always been the case even from losing my virginity. I’m also a very giving lover, this stems from me not always being able to orgasm, so I make sure that my partner does, which gives me pleasure.
I left my wife recently for more reasons than just the sex. The Children do not know yet. It hurts me so much to think that the kids will get hurt.
@Phin… thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m sorry about the pain and strained relationship within your marriage.
If you have even a little hope that the marriage could be reconciled, I encourage you to consider marriage counseling. A marriage counselor likely could spur on some good dialogue between you and your wife, if you both are willing to at least take baby steps toward healing your marriage and making it stronger.
You obviously have been together for awhile if you have had three children together. If indeed your wife is a Christian, I would think she would want to do all she can to reconcile the marriage. Professional marriage counselor could be one of the healthiest steps you both take toward finding common ground, addressing the sexual struggles, addressing other problems, etc.
My prayers go out to you…
We’ve been together 12 years. And have seen a relationship counsellor several years ago, who brought up daddy issues with my wife. We also seen a sexual counsellor a couple of years ago, who again looked towards my wife.
We only saw each counsellor once or twice each, and it made my wife open her eyes. Unfortunately, it’s all short lived. Am I supposed to put my life on hold for months, years at a time because of her issues.
I’m a very level headed person and I do not want to tread on her faith. But personally, I feel at times like tearing it apart and telling my children exactly how I feel. Which will happen in the next week or so anyway.
I have respect for everyone’s beliefs regardless. But equally, Atheists should be respected.
A couple of years ago, A friend of ours who was talking to me about someone who was having a go about religion etc, and he found it offensive as he is a Christian. I simply put to him, it’s equally offensive to Atheists when we are being preached to.
I live in a house where my wife talks more about a relationship with Jesus. All my Children have been taken to Church for years and go to faith schools. They listen to the worst Christian songs at home, some which I find offensive and can subliminally brainwash the kids.
Yes, I would love to save our relationship. But I fear her relationship with Jesus is more important.
Obviously there are two sides to every story. But here is mine.
I have been in church since I was born. I became a Christian when I was 7. My wife was my first and only girlfriend, my first and only kiss, and the love of my life. Today, I am a 37 year old who has been stuck in an unconsummated marriage for the last 9 years. Help!
I was in college. She was still in high school and we had known each other at church for a while. I finally got the nerve to ask her out on a date. One date turned into years of exclusive, uninterrupted dating. I believed I had found the most amazing, wonderful, godly, Christian woman. We were both devoted Christians and so sex before marriage was never an option in either of our minds.
We had what I consider a very romantic dating relationship. I loved loving her. I loved being around her. We dated until she graduated college. Her senior year of college I asked her to marry me. I think everyone that knew us, including our families, knew we were bound for the altar when she graduated college.
Honestly I never gave much thought to whether or not we would have sex once we were married. It seemed like a given, like it was part of the deal.
Finally the month after she graduated college we were married! We went on a beautiful honeymoon. Leading up to our wedding day she started to tell me that she would be uncomfortable having sex on our honeymoon and wanted to wait until we got back home. Brokenhearted, I went along with her request.
During the first year of our marriage I thought that surely she would have sex with me at some point. However, she never did. Every time I asked her about it she said she wanted to “read about sex” first. I fully supported her reading about what to expect, etc. Although, she never read about it. Despite the no-sex policy she still fully expected me to romance her. This romance came naturally and she never needed to request it. I genuinely enjoyed romancing her and making her happy even though I was slowly dying inside.
However, somewhere around the 6 month point of our marriage I started to become incredibly frustrated with our arrangement. It seemed that we were just dating roommates who publically paraded around as very romantic, happy newlyweds. The reality was our marriage bed was dead on arrival and I began questioning if our marriage would last. It’s like she didn’t or wouldn’t make the transition to intimacy that came with marriage. I felt unloved and rejected by the very woman who expected me to love her passionately and completely.
Over the years she has made out with me from time to time. Sometimes she has even taken her shirt off. However, she has never allowed either of us to touch unless we were both wearing pants. I have grown to despise “making out” with her because I know it is not going to lead anywhere. I try to just forget about sex and intimacy. It’s very hard, especially because it’s on my mind all day, every day. I tell her it’s on my mind all of the time and she tells me it’s because I’m not making her feel safe enough, loved enough, etc. The subject gets changed and I try to move on.
I do my best to be physically fit. I am 6’0” and 210lbs. I actively run as well as other aerobic and anaerobic exercise 4-5 times a week. I’m 37 and in good health. I want my wife!
It is also breaking my heart because I am starting to wonder if we will ever have children. I have longed to have children since I was a boy. I have always wanted to grow up, marry, have children, invest my life in my family, grow old with my wife, and then one day go to heaven. I feel trapped because I don’t want to divorce my wife. I genuinely love her. It’s just so difficult being in this marriage.
Nowadays we get into arguments a lot. She is always upset with me because she says I am often irritable and on edge toward her. I agree with her because I know I’m not perfect and I can see these attributes in myself in varying levels from time to time. However, the only way I know to get along with her is to ask her to forgive me for being these things (even though I don’t always agree with her accusations). I just want there to be peace in our home. I have asked her to go with me to marriage counseling. She has said repeatedly that she is all for me going. However, she said that she won’t be going because she doesn’t “need to go.”
I have never asked her to have a job. I have always wanted her to be able to be a stay-at-home mom one day. Meanwhile, I want her to be able to be a stay-at-home wife if she wants. And she has stayed at home even though it took us years to pay off our pre-marriage debt. Furthermore, in addition to no-sex, she has never taken upon herself any of the traditional wifely duties such as cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, or even picking up after herself. I don’t exaggerate this. She has never cooked me a meal, never dusted or vacuumed, never washed my clothes. Perhaps in 9 years she has washed dishes less than 10 times. That’s honestly about it. For me, living in a clean and orderly home is important and she knows it. When I come home from work I try to cook, clean, wash clothes, etc. She thinks that I do these things because I don’t want to talk to her. Although, I probably spend 15-20 hours a week listening and talking to her about whatever she wants to talk about. On top of that, I average over an hour texting and talking to her from work each day. At night I read a devotional and pray for our family and friends with her. I’m drowning not only as a sex deprived husband, but also as her dating roommate.
Today she packed her bags and is currently driving home to her parents’ house after she said she couldn’t take me being irritable and on edge toward her anymore. It exploded after I told her yesterday for the thousandth time that I was broken and hurt because we’ve never had sex. I told her that I can’t stand for her to always be upset with me. Her response was that I was not taking responsibility for my not making her feel safe enough. Part of me wants to say goodbye to this horrible chapter in my life. Part of me wants to cling to the person that I love more deeply than anything and potentially salvage this relationship. Selfishly, I don’t want to be a divorced 37 year old man. Nor do I want her to be alone. I don’t want either of us to have to suffer the embarrassment of a divorce. I believe divorce is wrong. I believe God allows divorce because our hearts are hard. I don’t believe it is right to marry someone else after a divorce. I feel like I can stick this out, or forever give up on the hope of sex, marriage, children, and family.
Since I wrote this last paragraph she has agreed to come back home so long as I won’t be irritable and on edge toward her anymore. I feel like I am trapped in a cage. She just flat out asked me if I would marry her if given the chance again. I said, well … I would want to talk to you about what your picture of marriage was, what your expectations were for things like sex, home maintenance, etc. She thought this was incredibly rude for me to ask. None the less, she’s driving home as I post this article. Please pray that God will give me direction and that He will continue to hold me up.
Sincerely,
Broken
@Broken… thank you for writing and sharing so authentically.
Here is my very honest response to what you have written:
1. Your wife is sinning by not engaging in what are normal Godly aspects of marriage… sex, partnering with her husband, mutually building a life with the man she married, taking to heart what God says about a husband and wife becoming one flesh.
2. You are completely justified in expecting all forms of intimacy with your wife… sexual, emotional, spiritual, financial, mental, etc.
3. I’m guessing your wife has huge past issues or past pain that you are not aware of (either sexual abuse, skewed theology from her family or church leaders), etc. If she is not willing to address these issues through counseling or other deep work, then she carries (in my opinion) nearly all of the fault for misleading you into believing that the marriage the two of you have would truly be a marriage, not a glorified roommate situation.
4. It is not normal for a husband and wife to never have had sex. If you were to ask 100 random people if it seems normal for a husband and wife to have been married for as long as you have and to not even have had sex once, you would not find one person to say that was normal (or healthy).
5. You are completely justified in lovingly, yet firmly, bringing your wife’s sin to her attention, with the goal of encouraging her to study with you God’s Word about marriage, to go with you to seek the wisdom of church elders and to heed what the scriptures and mature Bible-based Christians say about your situation.
6. If she does not take any of this seriously and intentionally seek to repair and heal the deep pain and damage already done, then in my opinion she has already “left the marriage” (as defined in God’s Word). I would seriously question if she is a true believer, although I recognize that those are heart issues between her and the Lord. However, if she is not willing to have a true marriage, then the reality is that you don’t have one. She misled you. She lied to you. She was deceptive.
She can’t possibly think it is normal for a husband and wife to never have sex, can she?! If she told all her girlfriends and family members that the two of you have never had sex, my guess is they would look at her with complete disbelief.
Regardless of whether she will go to counseling, at the minimum you need to go, in my opinion. You need the wisdom and insight of godly Christian men who will pray with you, guide you in the things of the Lord and help you discern what decisions to make about your future going forward.
You say that you don’t want to be alone or her to be alone.
You are already alone. Clearly.
I’m so sorry for your pain. I pray your wife humbles herself, seeks the Lord and His Word, and seeks to have a marriage that fully honors Him. You don’t have that right now.
So am I breaking gods heart if I do not want sex with a husband who finds slit open women and splattered blood sexy? Who wants to be beat and peed on? Who tells me the only god he believes in is himself? Am I supposed to bring him to Christ? I am just disgusted and disheartened.
@RB…. I think God’s heart is breaking more about the way your husband is treating you.
If you have lovingly, yet firmly, expressed to him that these things are not arousing and you don’t feel comfortable doing them… and he still is manipulative about it, it doesn’t mean you have to do these things. You can express to him that you want to have sex, but you will not pee on him, hit him or allow him to do those things to you.
I am concerned that your husband even sounds abusive. You may consider calling the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (http://www.ncadv.org/) for some insights, etc.
Do you have a church home or at least one safe Christian woman who you can confide in? Having a mature sister in Christ who will pray with you, listen to you and offer you wise counsel would also be a start to some support.
As for bringing him to Christ… the Holy Spirit is who brings someone to Christ. What you can do is seek to live a godly life, model Christ-like behavior in word and action, and (as the Word says), always be ready to give a reason for the hope you profess. But “bringing someone to Christ” does not involve being a sexual doormat.
I’m saddened by the pain you are experiencing… I can completely understand why you are disheartened.
Great post Julie, interesting to see it’s still going months later. I’ve condensed my post to a sentence or two now…
Try telling my wife all the above!!!!! I have – and nothing works! And everything else you could ask me to do – change me, pray, seek God, buy flowers, rub feet, help around the house, pray for her – done it all, and nothing changes.
God bless
K
My wife is currently denying me sex and has been since last july. she states that she wants me to get a vasectomy and until i do..she will refuse. when i told her that is unfair and i will not allow that..she said it was my choice. the two choices she gave me is vasectomy or that she would finish the divorce,that of which we bounced back from. i feel i am facing a death or death situation. she wont listen to me an it only creates harsh arguments. need advice!!
@ Broken – Go find a marriage counselor – Today – With or without her. Every big church has someone who does counseling and can help. Your employer/insurance likely also has an anonymous counseling service for things like this – Ask your HR department for the ‘personal help line’ number for the insurance company. In my company it’s available for things like addiction issues, etc. But I know they also cover counselors for all kinds of issues. There is nothing normal about your story. Really sorry for you, dude – go get some help!
@ Other guys struggling to correct your derailed sex life. Check out these 2 books, ‘The 5 love Languages’ by Gary Chapman and ‘The Way to Love Your Wife’ by Penner & Penner. I have a hard time actually reading a book that isn’t an engine manual, but these books have been extremely helpful. The second book is written specifically for men struggling in sex-starved marriages. Discusses things like how American men are conditioned from an early age to ‘score’ in sports, etc. and how that translates to ‘scoring’ in sex for teenage boys, etc. What does that look like 5 years into a marriage and how do you fix an attitude you didn’t even know you had? It’s really made me take a different approach to my wife and sex by explaining some things I never realized or thought about before … and would never have figured out on my own. The answer isn’t easy, and if you’re like me, you’d normally go to your wife for help figuring out this sort of thing. In this case, she can’t help. You have to find it on your own. But there IS and answer – swallow your pride and get to work finding the solution.
One other helpful tidbit I found. Go make a calendar somewhere where you can keep track of your wife’s period. Figure out which days sex is most likely/not likely so you aren’t disappointed on days when there’s no possibility of sex. (I know this is creepy, but read on..) Here’s the deal – From the first day of her period, count 14 days to ovulation, and 14 more days after that to the next period (28 total). Mark days negative before ovulation and positive after. So the calendar looks like this; Period Starts, -13, -12, … -2, -1, Ovulation, 13, 12, … 2, 1, Period Starts, and so on. Keep track of the [few] days you have sex over a few months and it’ll start to show a pattern. In my case days -4 through +5 are the best days. Days -14 through -5 are ‘no way’, and the rest are ‘maybe’. It’s really helped temper my enthusiasm on the low percentage days. I’d otherwise have no clue about this stuff and go to bed mad about 1/3 of the month.
Hope this helps in some way.
Good Luck!
@anonymous… regarding your wife’s demand that you have a vasectomy…. is this because she does not want the two of you to explore any other form of birth control?
I sense though that there are bigger issues going on. While it is reasonable for a husband and wife to have open discussions about the pros/cons of various types of birth control (including vasectomy), I don’t think your refusal to get one is grounds for divorce on her part. Obviously you can’t control what she does, but if she divorces you because you won’t get a vasectomy, well I don’t think that will hold up very well in God’s eyes (sure, she could still go through with it, but as Hebrews 4:13 clearly says, we all will have to give account for how we have lived).
The tension in your marriage is definitely a good opportunity to consider some marriage counseling, as a professional counselor is often exactly what a couple needs to move them past roadblocks and start generating some healthy dialogue.
At the minimum, you may consider going to counseling on your own… not only to seek wise counsel/discernment, but also to demonstrate to her your commitment to do all that is within your power to strengthen the marriage.
Well ur post goes a long way 2 tell women not 2 withheld sex from deir husbands. In my case i have sex with ma husband just 2 please him coz i can’t even remember when last i had an orgasm n he seems not 2 notice it. Once he attains orgasm,he gets down n d next tin is backing me n he dozes off immediately leaving me faustrated. Just little foreplay 2 get me wet n he is in already n out. In dis case whats d best way 2 handle it?i’v tried dialogue bt no improvement n its just a young marriage nt upto a mnth. I tink d best way is 2 keep 2 masef so dat he understnds by experiencing what i’v been experiencing….
Hello. I’ve only been married for a year. This is my second marriage, and I’m devastated. I’ve struggled with resorting to pornography whenever i feel unfulfilled. My wife had told me that porn is cheating and that she doesnt want to be married to a cheater, so i cant be honest with her and tell her what im doing. Its definitely a stronghold in my life and satan has defintely found a way. My wife and i only have sex maybe once a month, if I’m lucky, and if i ever bring it up, then she says shes sorry and understands how I feel, but it never gets me anywhere. I wish i could get her to read this article that you have wonderfully written, but it would just start an argument. I just dont know what to do anymore. I mean I’m definitely not a bad looking guy. I always get hit on and propositioned at work. Im afraid that if I’m ever caught in a weak moment that I may do something regretfully stupid and end up divorced again. I know that sex isn’t everything in a marriage, but for me its important.
@hopeless in a failing marriage… thank you for courageously writing.
For a marriage to be healthy and whole requires transparency and a shared commitment to address problems, to work toward nurtured intimacy, etc.
I recognize completely that this is scary ground for you… to admit to your wife your struggle with porn. But the reality is that there are repercussions either way… If you do not admit to her and seek to heal the marriage, become a stronger healthier couple, etc., then you continue to live in mediocrity and in a lie. If you do admit to her, she could indeed decide to leave you, punish you through further withholding of sex, etc.
BUT, at least in the last scenario… opening up about your struggle… there exists at least the possibility that she will recognize the pain and severity of the struggle and want to restore the marriage, support your journey toward healing, etc.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I’m fairly certain that if you do nothing, things will only deteriorate further on all levels… your relationship with God will continue to suffer, your relationship with your wife will suffer, your relationship will be characterized by growing distance, you’ll see deeper into porn addiction, etc.
At the minimum, I strongly encourage you to seek the wise counsel of a trusted godly Christian brother in Christ. You have to at least start opening up to someone who can give you insight on finding a ministry, resource and/or counseling to get at the heart of why you are turning to porn and how to make healthier choices away from it.
Could the consequence of all this be that your wife leaves you? Possibly. But even if she did, yet you still ultimately healed from your porn addiction with the help of others, then at least you would have repaired your relationship with the Lord.
These are painful painful things… not easy.
But please do not stay stuck where you are. It’s not doing you any good. Be courageous and reach out. You might be surprised in that your wife may actually appreciate the vulnerability and may indeed seek to heal the relationship.
You are a sick woman who has advocated for rape. In writing. You are not bright, obviously, missed a few college class in women’s rights, but stop this: 2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God’s heart. Do not use women’s weakness in reality to allow them to feel obligated to sex.
It makes no sense. and with the revelation of a billion other galaxies and therefore earths, you’re religion is one made of of millions. Stop spreading this. It’s shameful.
You are clearly disturbed: 3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.
There is no Satan, poor thing. You need some science in your life. I know, you think you know better, based on no evidence (evidence has a definition, not “i think so?!?!”.), but really get in touch with any university, they have classes online, they will help you, gain confidence and realize you’re not sole purpose is to service someone else. Some sexual abuse law could really help bring you out of these books that were written hundreds of years after the occurrence of which they write. Honey, they’re made up.
Stop hating yourself and telling other women to do the same You are a very harmful person, telling men this is how women want to be treated. I hope you know you have blood on your hands, bc what you are touting is illegal behavior and the reason men think it is ok to treat women like prostitutes and Chris Brown is an acceptable figure.
If this is how YOU like to be treated, keep it to yourself and seek treatment. Good luck and I hope you untangle yourself from the mask of religion to think clearly and see yourself as worthy of choice.
@Smarter than you… Wow, you sound angry. Thanks for stopping by though and taking the time to comment.
@Now I just feel bad for you… Hmmm… I think maybe you misunderstood the post. If not, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, though.
Hi there,
Let me get this out of the way fast, I am not religious, so you and your readers can determine if they want to continue reading, or not. I am a 32 year old woman married to a man who has a host of health issues (and yes, he is undergoing treatment/taking meds) and next to nil interest in sex. I found your blog while searching to see if I was out here alone. I knew I just couldn’t be alone in this, but it appears that for a woman’s drive to be higher than the man’s is a bit out of the norm, or our largely male-centric society just doesn’t acknowledge this.
In any case, I have had to resort to using dildos and toys to pleasure myself, and I often do, several times a day some days. Every man I see that is remotely attractive, I want to pounce upon like a wild leopard in heat. I can’t even go grocery shopping without seeing men that I would like to do some naked gymnastics with, all because my man is not taking care of me. I wonder do you ever care to address the females like myself, who NEED sex from our man, and WE feel rejected and ugly and unloved as well.
To be honest, I thoroughly resent and get offended by religious perspectives on these kinds of matters, because they always make it into the issue and weight of the solution bearing square on the woman’s shoulders. Do you ever address men who are remiss in satisfying their women? This is a real problem, that as I said earlier, does not get much airplay because it’s almost taboo to suggest a man is anything short of virile and ready to go at the sight of some skin. So totally not true, because my man once was but is no more. It’s so funny, women’s issues are discussed all over with nonchalance, but with men having issues, we can even say he has a testosterone deficiency…it’s “Low T” shame to even say the word. My goodness. How far we have to go.
I also dislike how people are pitty pattying with male egos and emotions. We women have the same egos and emotions. We feel hurt when our partners reject us sexually too, just as much, if not more. I look good and I know I do. I have clear radiant skin, I exercise, I eat well, I am very thin and fit, and I am 5’10 and 129 lbs. I am not undesirable. I deserve my man to desire me and please me. We used to have sex all the time, but since his back problems and low testosterone issues began, there is no more sex for me. I know if I wanted I could find a “friend” to satisfy these needs, but contrary to what most religious people think of we atheists, not all of us are hedonistic self-servers. I wouldn’t want to hurt him like that, but he is hurting me. I have spoken to him, and we are going to counseling…but what do I do with my libido in the meantime? Put it in a neat little box and tell it, “Never mind. You belong to a female. You aren’t allowed to have needs. Just forget and baby the man that is tormenting your life.”
I’m not here to bash your beliefs, by why do you guilt these females so much, and never address the males who are doing damage? I don’t even know why I posted this save for sheer desperation and sadness. Feel free to disregard.
@Farra… thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate you stopping by.
While myself and other bloggers often focus on women denying their husband’s sex, we do hear from women facing circumstances like what you are facing.
I have a page on my site that addresses this. Take a look at the posts on the link to the below page, as some of the links might be encouraging. Glean from what you read, as everything may not apply to your situation.
I’m sad with you for what you are facing, but encouraged that you are seeking ideas, help, insights, etc.
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
There also is a blog written by a high-drive wife… here is the link to it: http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com
julie
I must say this is one of the best posts with knowledge and wisdom I have ever read from a female blogger. It also hit home to me as well Julie. I am in the same boat with many other men in the world. I have been married for 6 years and My wife and I have been struggling back and forth on this issue. Throughout the years I found her with other men, then I tried to leave saying I was with other women. Long story short, we came together for resoultion to take care of our 2 kids, but here we are again back where we started. Not only do I feel rejected, I feel worthless and manipulated. It seems she will give it to anyone except me, and only wants it if I say Im fed up and leave or she wants more kids. I am a dummy and a idiot for falling for this woman, but I do Love her. I am a victim of pornography, and I try to look away and resist any woman who comes on to me. This is challenging for me, and I know it is Satan who keeps tempting me with everything but my wife. I am now in another state for a job, and she will be arriving shortly here with the kids, but I am thinking of giving her the papers and staying single. I do not want to go through this with anyone else, and I believe I need rehab for my porngraphy addiction. I know God is able to do all things, and I am glad that I read your post, and dont feel guilty about how I feel. Talking doesnt seem to work in my marriage, and the only excuses I hear is Im tired, headache..blah, blah. There was an instance when I begged her, and she laided on the bed like a dead body. They say there are no good men, but those that are left are easily used as toss buckets. Thanks Again Julie
I like this article, probably too little to late for me, I already asked my spouse for a divorce.
What if you know about him & found condoms in the car that he & I sure &what if its because you talked to him about spending time with you outside the bedroom & nothing happens,what if I’m the one feeling denied
I have been struggling with sex in my marriage since the 2nd month after the wedding. I have talked t my wife many, many time over and over again, I have gone from 250 to 160 lbs. I have done romantic stuff, I have tried foreplay, asked her what she wants. I have asked her for affection, kisses and more. I have been flexible with her in all what she asked for and still the same. You are right about opening doors to sin. Lately have been fighting with pornography to satisfy my sex drive. This was never the plan GOD designed for me, but I am really to the point that is this or getting out of my marriage. I cannot be unfaithful with my wife even if I want to. There is some thing that hold me back and I know is God. I am really tired of the same result, she said she will change but I don’t see it. I feel she is not attracted to me and she is with me just for commitment and not love me at all. This has been a long 10+years battle. I have enrolled in different sports and activities to distract my mind and exhaust my body, but all these things are not enough. Any advice will be well taken.
@Broken Heart…. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am saddened by what you are experiencing.
It seems your wife doesn’t understand the depth of your pain or she does and is just plain mean. If she is open to marriage counseling, definitely go. If she is not, write her a letter explaining how the lack of intimacy is painful and not what you envisioned for being married to the woman you love. If she doesn’t grasp the seriousness of all this and doesn’t make effort to genuinely make improvements toward healthier sexual connection, then I suggest you go to a Christian counselor on your own…. one to get the wisdom/insights of someone else and also to demonstrate to your wife how deeply serious you are about improving the marriage and doing whatever you can as far as you are concerned.
After reading all the comments on this particular post,I find myself to be so thankful for my loving husband,and the wonderful sex life we share. I have always been a very submissive wife for him,…I never say no,even at times when I am not prepared for his unpredictable mountings. It may be in the kitchen while fixing dinner,..it might be while I’m taking a shower,it may happen in our yard,I just never know,and even though I don’t climax during many of these so called “quickies”,..just knowing my husband is very sexually attracted to me ,and the fact he can’t hold off til bed time,is more than enough satisfaction for me! I have often thought what our sex life would be like at this point,should I have turned him down,..denied him sex in other locations outside of our bedroom. I’m so glad he clearly knows,… what’s between my legs, is open for business 24/7………….
Judy
Wow. This is so so very true. I wish my wife would read this. I don’t know if I can take it much longer.
Unfortunately, when this type of situation goes on for years, hate builds and you just end up giving up. You stay for the kids that you have that you basically destroyed, because all they ever saw was a mother more interested in a can of Pledge then putting her arms around her husband when he came home. As a Christian she knew her obligation to the marriage, but decided that a good Confession would take care of all her problems. Now the kids are both doing their own things and could care less about our family, or the lack of a family. So now when life was supposed to be happy being emptynesters we now stare into space and wait to go to sleep. She in our bed and me in my kids. I’m tired of arguing and basically tired of all the fingers pointing. I have taken this as a personal attack and I can never forgive her for it. Even if our sex lives were to start up again, I would look at it as a forced situation that is basically a chore and not a desire. I’m Done!!
@Paul, my heart truly breaks for you and your situation! Reading your words I can hear your pain. Although I am only six years into my marriage with two little ones, it wasn’t that long ago I was headed down your path. It wasn’t until I went searching for info backing me up that I found these blogs and God changed my heart. Now I get up with my girls and play and do arts and crafts for daddy and then while they take naps I clean the house and shower and try and to look my best for when my husband comes home. Then it’s all about him when he walks through the doors. I know for me that during our dark time I had just had two babies and gained a lot of weight from those pregnancies back to back and had stretch mark galore and felt utterly unloveable and that made me push my husband away to the point of sleeping in different rooms to completely avoid any kind of intimacy. I didn’t realize during this time he was on his knees in prayer. Everyday and night. That, I believe, is what saved me and our marriage. We were able to have the most honest conversation we had ever had. I told him how I felt about my body and that was the reason for my attitude towards him to push him away, and he told me how incredibly beautiful he thought I was, and that this body is what gave him his two beautiful girls and for that he would be forever grateful. I learned the pain he truly felt, and how he gave it all to Him everytime he felt pain. Today we have the most amazing marriage and sex life that can be imagined. I guess my point is you never can tell what outcome God has for you while you are in the spiritual “weight/wait room”, but while your are building your spiritual muscles know it is is something worth fighting for! Don’t let the enemy win, he wants that very badly. He is in your corner cheering you on feeding your resentment, but let God be in your corner. Maybe there is a breakthrough in your future and I will be praying that for you, it is never too late. I have read enough testimonies on these blogs to know it can happen to more than just me! May God be always be by your side!
Thank you McKiinzie, your words are sweet, and I thank you for caring. You have a long life ahead with your little ones and your loving husband. I look around my house at all the memorabila that was purchased for Mom’s Day, Christmas, birthdays, love note written on the bottom of very expensive statues, and none of that meant a damn to her. I was not the person she wanted and she made that very evident throughout the almost 30 years we’ve been together. As I said I appreciate your words and thank you from the bottom of my heart, but I’m pretty burned out.
We are just in beginning of our 30s, met each other when we were 27, kept on meeting on weekends following 2 years (..those were the days..) and married @ 29 have kid by the time we turned 30. We are pretty normal built (though smaller´I 5’5″ and wife 5’2″)
I thought I was alone who was denied almost on daily basis. In a good week we have intercourse 2 times, rest of the weeks remain binary ranging from 0 to 1.
Initially I thought that taking care of our only child was making her tired so I tried everything to take almost complete burden of household work which may make her tired. For example laundry, buying grocery, cleaning utensils. Although KG where my child goes is too near from the place we live but I take break from office to bring my child to KG and take a break again to bring her back in mama’s lap and then go to office again.
She will ask me to wait till she brings our child in bed and then she does not return because she says she becomes cozy and feel like sleeping. Sometimes I keep on waiting for 2-3 hours in hope which I do know will be shaken most of the times.
My wife is not having any affair and am sure about it. I do not know what I can do? And now comes the ultimate! She even says that I could find a girl friend for satisfaction or even go to prostitute instead of begging her all the times. Many times I end up alone helping myself mostly thinking about our per-marriage love and few times seeing adult videos which make me feel krank later. What do you tell such husbands? Starting affair is for me out of question. I want my kid to grow up with strong moral values and should always be seeing his parents as an example couple.
@Julie.
I wish a miracle happens and my wife start thinking the way you do. This is so true what you wrote. Am sure many many men on this planet find their wives attractive. They need not be slim or BBs. Having one good love makes me feel good for coming 3-4 days, I feel so healthy and important and valued that God built beauty (here I mean my wife) allowed me.. But I think we have a long way to go before she starts thinking this way. I just wish that she reads this page accidentally and goes through your comments.
@Nimay… that is sad that your wife says you could get a girlfriend or go to a prostitute. Definitely don’t do this. I would encourage you to not look at adult movies either.
I know this is probably not much consolation, but if you are having sex on average once a week, that really is not that out of the ordinary. However, I understand why you want more sex.
Possibly write your wife a letter, expressing to her that you were hoping twice a week for sexual intimacy would be better. Somehow the two of you need to strive toward a healthy compromise. Emphasize to her that it’s not just about sex, but about your deep desire to connect with the woman he loves and treasures so much.
Also seek to strengthen your relationship in other areas as well… not just with helping with household duties, but also with nurturing the friendship the two of you share… spending time together, enjoying activities together, etc., getting away for a date night every now and then.
If you feel that the intimacy not being at the level you would prefer is causing significant division and difficulties, suggest counseling. If she is not open to going, I suggest you going on your own to seek insights and coping strategies.
Thank you that you replied Julie.
We go out on vacation at least 3 times in a year. Each vacation lasts more than a week. Initially I thought that might be refreshing because we usually do not visit big polluted cities but rather countryside which she really loves but even that has not helped. Going out on Saturday makes her tired because it disturbs (according to her) routine and she goes especially on that day early to bed. Same is during vacation.
German society is rather conservative when it comes to marriage counseling but have heard in big cities they have already started such a service. I am tired of begging and bugging her.
I stumbled across this article recently and it’s by far the best article on sexless marriage I’ve come across. It helped me realize that my husband and I aren’t alone.
I hope that Paul and all the men and women out there in a sexless marriage will learn from my mistakes and show their significant other this letter and the damage they’re causing my denying their spouse sex.
My husband and I will be married 25 years this fall. We have three boys now in there late teens and early 20’s. We have overcome everything you can imagine in our marriage, but this nearly destroyed us.
We married very young, right out of college and until 2003 had a good marriage and sexual relationship. To make a long story short, I completely lost my sex drive after a hysterectomy in my early 30’s. I went from a healthy sex drive to hating sex. My doctor didn’t believe me because my ovaries were left intact and my lab work showed that after six months, I was producing normal hormone levels. I knew differently and struggled for years trying to find someone who would listen to me. Nine years later, I found a family practice doctor that did listen and re-checked my levels and found my fsh was so high that I had probably been in menopause for years. I’ve read that sometimes just the shock of surgery can send you into menopause. My testosterone was almost zero and he sent me to a pharmacist that deals with bioidentical hormone therapy and I was started on hormone therapy and within weeks my sex drive returned enourmously! I felt I had my life back….I did, but it was too late, the damage was done from all the years of denying him sex. Six weeks after starting hormone therapy, I came across a website my husband had been frequenting for several years and had been visiting prostitutes. Before you judge my spouse or why I stayed in the relationship, let me tell you how I treated him. What he did was completely wrong, but looking back I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done the same.
My spouse was never my priority even prior to menopause, but it worsened after menopause. He would always tell me the kids and the dog came first and he was right. I know now that putting your marriage first, makes for a happy home. I didn’t kiss my husband for 8 years and we had sex every 4 to 6 weeks and it felt like an obligation. I just wanted it over….We became friends that lived together and it worked for me because all my needs were being met. He helped with the kids, cooked most of the meals and I was spoiled and happy. He would bring me flowers and tried everything to keep our marriage strong and I plain and simply…didn’t care. I remember thinking, what is he going to do, leave me, have an affair or worse…never, he would never do that. I remember him being so stressed he blurted out in front of the kids that he hated his life. He told me it wasn’t natural to deny your partner sex and I disagreed stating that all changes after having kids. My oldest son remembers him crying and sitting in the garage alone. I remember the day he told me how lonely he was and that if the cat didn’t get fed at home, it would find food elsewhere. I remember thinking…he would never do that. Well he did, he was starving for attention and found it with prostitutes.
Now that I have my sex drive back, I can’t imagine going through a sexless marriage and the feeling that intamacy brings.
It’s been a year since I discovered his secret. Initially, I just wanted to die. I went into a deep depression and started numerous meds to ease the pain. We talked, cried and had terrible fights. I decided to stay because I loved him so much and didn’t want to throw all we had built away and destroy our family. We recently told the children because they noticed the tension and it was wearing on them. I was surprised to hear my oldest son say he never saw any affection between us as a child and how shocked he was to see us hug and kiss over the last year. My other son basically told us how strong we were to survive all we had and by still trying to work things out, said a lot about our relationship. I think about it everyday and pray for the day I don’t. We’re in a totally different place now and we both love each other more than we ever have. Yes, trust is still and issue and I will never forget. I also failed to mention I broke our vows two years into the marriage and he forgave me and the situation was beyond horrible and I have deep regrets.
To all the women and men out there denying your partner a healthy sexual relationship….heed my warning…your walking on thin ice. Sex is a HUGE part of a healthy marriage and you will eventually be alone…as I nearly was ;(
Thanks for the great article Julie…
Susie
@Susie… thank you so much for your deep vulnerability and honesty in sharing so intimately about your journey and the heartache your marriage has endured. It takes courage to share this authentically.
I think your words will have an effect on countless people… people you and I may never know about this side of Heaven.
I’m grateful your marriage has survived and that you and your husband are in the process of trying to overcome the pain and division that was built up over years.
Thank you again for sharing…
Julie,
Thank you for responding. I cried when I read your response and the fact that you didn’t judge me. I pray others will learn from our mistakes and save their marriage.
I was prepared for the comments regarding staying with a man who visited prostitutes. I prefer to look at the situation differently. How can I leave the love of my life that did everything right other than making one big mistake in having sex outside the marriage. God forgives me for my sins…how can I deny my husband the same.
For months I wanted to write the prostitutes he visited and tell them what horrible people they’re, but after deep thought I realized they’re suffering too. What little girl grows up to say, “I want to be a prostitute when I grow up”? They don’t, they’re struggling too to give their self worth and esteem away so easily. I can’t imagine the fear of never knowing who is going to walk through that door and what disease their clients may carry. Many don’t realize that unprotected oral sex is just as dangerous as unprotected sexual intercourse. I read one prostitute tell men how to buy a hobby phone and hide it from their spouse or significant other. I wanted to email her and give her a mouthful, but it wouldn’t change her way of thinking. I can only pray that someday she will come around. I can only forgive them and hope they eventually find their way.
Thanks again, this blog has helped me tremendously!
Susie
@Susie… thank you again for commenting. Of course I wouldn’t judge you. It sounds like you have a very humble and compassionate heart, and that is exactly what is needed in so many marriages. I was blessed by all that you shared so authentically.
I would love to connect with you more and see if I can use your comment (anonymously of course) as a blog posting. I believe strongly that when people share so genuinely as you have, it is great encouragement to others who may be in similar circumstances.
Please email me at jksibert@cox.net.
Thank you!
Julie,
Thank you for your nice comments. Absolutely, I would love you to share my comments. I noticed my grammer was poor because I wrote it from my heart, so you may need to touch it up.
I actually avoided many blogs dealing with infidelity, because the comments were often in favor of leaving your spouse and that wasn’t the direction I was going. I needed to stay positive and didn’t need anymore depression than I already had.
This was the only site I felt comfortable with sharing my feelings. Thank you for allowing me to share.
Susie