orgasm, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Is It Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex?
Dec
Years ago, a friend and I were talking in general about sex. In the course of our conversation, the topic of oral sex came up.
I casually mentioned, “What’s not to like about oral sex?”
“Giving or receiving?” she asked.
“Both,” I responded enthusiastically.
Now I realize that this throws me into a narrow group of wives who embrace the value of oral sex as part of a couple’s sexual repertoire.
I hear from husbands who wish their wives were more interested in incorporating oral play into their sexual intimacy.
Some even wonder if it is reasonable that a wife say “no” to oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving.
Is it reasonable to say “no” to oral sex?
In some cases I think it is. I’ll address those first, and then I’ll explore what I think are weak reasons for saying “no.”
First of all, if a woman has experienced past sexual abuse, particular as a child, and oral sex was part of that abuse, I think it is reasonable that it may be incredibly difficult to include oral sex in the current context of her marital intimacy.
I’m not saying this would be true with all wives, and I’m certainly not saying that past sexual abuse gives a wife a lifetime free pass on no sex at all.
When a woman marries, even if she has suffered past sexual abuse, she is agreeing that sexual intercourse will be part of her marriage. This doesn’t mean she is agreeing to everything her husband may want to do sexually.
What I’m sensitive to is that sexual abuse is one of the most horrendous traumas a person can experience. If there are triggers that linger long after much healing has taken place, it’s really not beneficial for a husband to set off those specific triggers that are extremely painful to his wife.
What about sexually transmitted diseases?
I know this probably goes without saying, but if there are concerns about sexually-transmitted diseases, then a couple needs to be wise to not expose each other to risks.
I’m not a doctor, but I do think it’s reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if there are risks of disease transfer. And if disease risks are present, a couple still needs to take precaution during intercourse.
Lastly, I think it would be reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if this has become the only kind of sexual intimacy a couple is experiencing. There is something powerfully unifying when a husband’s penis is in his wife’s vagina. If this has been erased from the menu, and oral sex is the only sexual encounter happening, that’s a bit of a red flag to me.
Balance. Oral sex can be a great complement within sexual intimacy, but not to the exclusion of everything else.
What about wives who just don’t like oral sex, but don’t really have any strong reason for saying no?
My challenge to wives who have flat out refused any kind of oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving, is to really look at why they feel that way.
Are you trying to argue it from a biblical standpoint?
In my opinion, you won’t get very far. Most theologians and people who have thoroughly studied the book of Song of Songs believe it includes positive references to marital oral pleasure. Also, there is no scripture in the Bible that specifically says a husband and wife cannot include oral sex in their intimacy.
I think common sense, though, is the strongest path toward broadening your perspective on this.
Obviously, as husbands and wives, we often kiss and touch each other in various ways during lovemaking. Most people would say it’s just fine that a husband kiss his wife’s neck or even her breasts or navel during lovemaking.
Likewise, most people would not find it odd if a wife were to kiss her husband’s chest and so forth.
Following this logic, why would we think that there are certain parts of our anatomy that cannot be touched and kissed and caressed during lovemaking? How do we possibly draw an arbitrary line where no line exists?
Are your refusing oral sex because of hygiene concerns?
The simple solution to this is that you both come to bed having washed your genital area.
Some wives are hesitant because a husband ejaculates from the same opening as he urinates. But God designed the male body so these experiences don’t happen at the same time. When a penis is erect, the focus is on sex, not on urination.
Likewise, some women worry that a husband will be offended by the vaginal area, but as I already mentioned… a shower, bath or simple use of a washcloth before sexual intimacy can help ease those concerns. (A shower together can be great foreplay!)
Are you refusing because you don’t know if you will do it right?
If your unspoken reason for not initiating oral sex is because you are afraid you won’t be very good at it, I think your husband would still want you to give it a try and vulnerably ask for his feedback. I have no doubt that if you are open to being taught, he will teach you. (Same goes for you husbands — allow her to coach you on how to orally please her).
I recognize that despite all the rationalizations as to why oral sex would be okay, some wives simply won’t have anything to do with it.
What is a husband to do?
Well, it definitely isn’t loving to force a sexual act, so coercion, physical force and demands are not an option.
If her heels are dug in, then I think the husband has little alternative but to ask the Lord to help him let this desire go. As a married couple, they are at an impasse. Lovingly trying to generate conversation is good. Throwing the marriage under the bus because of no oral sex is not.
My hope would be that a wife who is unwilling to budge would do a bit of introspection to see if her steel-clad refusal is really reasonable.
If you are that wife, are you being reasonable on this?
Under the right circumstances, oral sex can be an amazing addition to sexual intimacy, resulting in new waves of pleasure and closeness.
For many husbands and wives, I think there’s a lot to like about oral sex.
What do you all think about this topic? Please comment and add to the discussion.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Hey, I’m not married but have had sexual experiences in the past (I’m 35 and I am the standard messed up human-being -and a christian). I am reading this blog after following a link to an article a newly married friend of mine posted 🙂
Anyway, I would like to say that for quite a while oral sex did not attract me at all; a boyfriend would ask me and I would block out. No. This may have been partly related to past sexual and emotional abuse as a child, I was not at ease with relationships, with sex.
However with time my relationships and my experience of intimacy got healthier and I am not struggling quite as much with either and with oral sex. I would give it to Mr Right if he ever turns up (after we’ve had time to get to know and trust each other a little maybe).
I think it was when I myself felt attracted to ‘wood’ and followed my desire that I managed the first time. I need to feel I am choosing to do something. Because I did suffer abuse I am quite sensitive (the expression ‘sexual duty’ makes me cringe). Love is a place of respect and freedom, respect of each other’s desires, the parties can express their desires but shouldn’t expect anything.
@Anonymousto… Thanks for your comment. I do think you make some good points. My hope of course would be that you wouldn’t do anything sexual with Mr. Right until he became your husband.
I definitely agree with you that the words “sexual duty” can be a huge negative trigger for someone who has been abused in the past. You are right that love is a place of respect, but in the same regard, it is reasonable to expect sex once married. Sex is part of marriage, so I don’t know if I would agree with your assessment that the “parties can express their desires but shouldn’t expect anything.” If they are married, they should expect that each would nurture the sexual relationship (1 Corinthians 7).
Anyway, thanks for commenting!
@Julie,
my hope is the same; my priority would be to work on getting to know each other and learn to relate to one another a little before deciding to step into it all (life and everything). Making progress with boundaries, saying what I want and trusting God, myself and others. It’s all about the progress.
Concerning sexual expectations, yes if they have agreed before getting married that they will work on their relationship they can expect the other to nurture the sexual relationship. Sex is part of marriage however sometimes life throws things at you (either individuals or couples) that come in the way of the sexual relationship or the ability to nurture it. The relationship is a work in progress with seasons and at times it requires patience and personal growth. Couples adjust their sex positions when they are expecting a baby, in the same way some adjustments may be necessary for a while in some seasons of life. And some practices are not enjoyed by some people and it needs to be respected. I REALLY don’t like when somebody snugs the inside of my ear for instance, yuk! Well I suppose it must excite others?
🙂
Great discussion on a facet of sexuality that unfortunately can cause so much pain and division. My wife and I have been married almost twenty years … and we’re both Christians much longer than that. I believe honest communication is so vital to healthy sexuality as well as a real and mutual willingness to please and meet one another’s deepest needs and desires. But we are casualties here so I pray that others are more successful … I’m guessing I asked for OS too much in our first fifteen years. Now after three kids (9,11,13) she is ‘uncomfortable’ with it …. so I don’t ask, demand, or expect it. Of course that would not be love.
But my wife’s refusal to explore it (after 7 years) or ANY variety other than plain-Jane vanilla sex makes me wonder where my sexual partner went.
Hasn’t God laid out a bountiful table … a feast of delicacies for His children to enjoy within the confines of holy marriage? So my sexual morale is at a low. I can’t say I have given-up and of course will not throw this union ‘under the bus’ but this simple man cannot/will not believe this is what sex is supposed to ‘mean.’
What do I do? I love her. I respect her. I pray: “God change my desires.” But I also ask God to change her desires too. No one’s right no one’s wrong …. but when sex happens only every three/four months because of hard feelings and mismatched sexual preferences that’s a huge red flag. Thank God He know us and knows how to bring healing ……
@Black Winged Angel and @Dan, regarding your comments to the effect that no one should have to perform OS or anything else they’re uncomfortable with:
I struggle with your comments. On the one hand, I absolutely agree that no one should be forced or guilt-tripped into doing something they find uncomfortable.
On the other: practically speaking, in my marriage, this policy (which comes from my wife) amounts to a trump card—in fact, even absolute veto power—toward anything she doesn’t want to do for me, anytime, for any reason. It can be easy for the spouse who wants “it” less to feel entirely reasonable in asserting themselves this way, but put yourself for a moment in the shoes of the spouse who wants “it” more: bring to mind something innocuous you really enjoy, and then imagine your spouse had, and exerted, complete veto power over it.
I’d suggest the possibility—it’s worked for me—that a person who loves and wants to please their spouse (excluding, possibly, those with serious sexual trauma to work through) can develop an enjoyment in performing pleasurable acts for the other. I know I’ve developed such an attitude towards certain things my wife prefers, and it pains me that she (mostly) has not done the same.
How about this?
I don’t like my in-laws. I don’t enjoy being with them. I don’t like seeing them. I don’t like how I feel when I do see them or visit them. Their house smells like old people. I’m uncomfortable when I’m there. They have plastic on their sofas for goodness sake. Whenever I do go there, I leave as quick as I can. They are way too old fashioned, stuck in their ways, and have the personalities of old shoe leather.
Its even worse when they visit. They seem to bring that all with them and infect my home as well.
Therefore, since I don’t like any of the above, I should never have to visit them, or have them visit me. And my wife, if she loved me, wouldn’t have us do that. Its not loving if she does.
Perfectly fair, right? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
I have hang-ups about OS not because of past abuse, but because for some random reason, I associate it with cheap sex and hookers. I don’t know why, but I do. We’ve been married for over 6 years, and I’ve never tried it. I have received it once or twice, but was too tense to enjoy it, and now it’s pretty much not on the table. In a recent effort to become more sexually free and increase intimacy in our marriage, I’m doing some research and trying my best to be open-minded about the topic. Here is one concern I have- what if my husband gets so used to the intensified pleasure and sensations that come with OS that regular good old fashioned sex just isn’t enough? That idea really bothers me, because I relish the idea of both of us being pleased (and orgasming if possible) at the same time, which happens most of the time. I am afraid of spoiling my hubby so much with OS that my vagina becomes second fiddle.Same goes with sex toys, too, I’m afraid that the extra pleasure and ease with which I could orgamsm with a vibrator will make his penis less appealing in and of itself. Any thoughts?
Good points. I suppose it depends on what one really needs as opposed to what one is picking up from outside the marriage. All new practices have to be thought about in this light. My wife is not comfortable with oral sex although she did try it for a while. Both ways. I have accepted that. There is another thing that she is very comfortable with but others may find the thing quite racy.
Ive been married for 7 years now…and have grown in our sexuality and intimacy. I give my husband oral sex frequently because I enjoy and enjoy pleasing him. However he’s only given me oral maybe twice. I don’t ask him anymore, but I do wish he could come to please be orally. I wont lie, I hope he can come to embrace me, with oral…since I know that I would feel more intimate and close, knowing he is willing to please me sexually.
@Ady, I read through all the comments, and I see a lot of people in the, “I give and never get” category. I think it’s less severe if a woman doesn’t give to her husband, as vaginal intercourse will do it for him. But 70% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone, so something else has to happen besides that. I’d be pissed if my husband was getting what he needed every which way and unconcerned with what I needed. And then I’d take that and use it: “Hey Honey, we have a problem. You’re selfish in bed. It’s all what you want and no or little concern for my basic needs. I’ve gone down on you about 200 times for the 2x you’ve done that for me. Oral sex on you will resume when the score is even. My hope is that we get to a place where I don’t have to keep score because we’re both being generous. Until then, I’m going to protect myself from being used and then ignored.”
I stumbled upon this website because my mother has a coworker who has been married for 45 years and has never given or received oral sex. I did a search just out of curiosity to see why people take this stance, completely unbiased.
This was the first page to pop up, and let me tell you Julie- what a FANTASTIC article!
Everyone commenting here seem very open, conversational, so I don’t fear that I will be judged… I am a non-Christian. It is very rare to come across a biblical-based web site, especially about sex, that appeals to me in such a way!
I am a married mother of two, and contrary to the (at times) ill-founded beliefs about non-Christians- my husband and I are not any different in terms of respect, boundaries and love within our marriage. We are 100% monogamous, madly in love with each other, and dislike pornography. Even my husband who imbibed as a single man gave it up after we became married, as we practice being intimate as often as we can, while learning that waiting and building desire makes it even better in the end vs instant gratification! While we will experiment from time to time, as all couples do, we never do anything beyond what makes us closer, more intimate and connected in our love.
I just wanted to submit this comment to let you all know that I think you have such a healthy outlook on marital sex, and it’s refreshing! Not all of us non-religious people find Cosmopolitan magazine and smut in general appealing!
I hope you all have a wonderful Spring and Summer 🙂 Take care <3
@MrsMeredith… thank you so much for your comment! I’m glad the post was encouraging to you, and it’s awesome that you and your husband have such a healthy marriage.
I really appreciate that you stopped by the site! Thank you!!
I’m in the group where the wife is iron clad against it. In fact her words are “the thought of it is gross”.
Like Paul who has prayed that his thorn in the flesh be taken from him and it wasn’t. This desire is not being taken from me either.
All I can think of is hearing her say, “you are gross”. 🙁
Well my hubby and I have been married going on nine years. We are just really getting into the exploring stage which includes a lot of oral sex as foreplay. As a wife it makes me happy!!!! To give and receive. I feel strongly that sex is a good thermometer in your marriage. When it’s not happening, it is way too easy to let little things become big things.
I am glad to see that visitors are still reading and commenting. Even though oral sex is more widely accepted within marriage now than a generation ago, there are still some wives and husbands who have some difficulty in this area.
Yes, there can be valid reasons for saying “no” to oral sex in specific circumstances. For instance, if you are ill and want to wait until you are well. Spouses can be patient with each other if there have been bad experiences in the past, but a lifetime pass on not performing oral sex really robs the marriage of some potential shared intimacy and acceptance (as well as a little variety).
The concerns that lead to hesitation and reluctance were addressed well (above in the essay). So, if your spouse is free of STIs (sexually transmitted infections), there is no valid reason to refuse to ever try this. The main culprit seems to be mental attitude – which can be changed. (A negative attitude may be due to being told when you were young that oral sex is “dirty” or wrong or something that only prostitutes do.) One sees comments from wives (on Christian marriage forums and websites) to the effect that once they actually tried performing oral sex for their husband, in a fairly short time with some experience gained, they began to enjoy it. The enjoyment they experience is at first about giving this kind of pleasure to their husband, then many wives find they begin to enjoy the playfulness of the act and the sensations for themselves. The mouth is a very erogenous, sensuous zone after all.
One thing I think that can be helpful for wives and husbands who are struggling in this area is to remember that you are showing acceptance and love in a special way to your spouse. This is a giving act, but it is NOT degrading nor demeaning to the wife! (Not if you are in a truly loving marriage.) Should oral sex be the main event most of the time the couple makes love? No. Julie addressed that well. But, oral love is tender, and playful, and the couple share a certain vulnerability and acceptance and mutual respect when it is performed. There is more to it for the husband than just exciting physical sensations. (I stress this for the wives, as fewer husbands have inhibitions with giving oral sex to their wives).
Forgive me for being a little graphic here: but many wives have psyched themselves out at the thought of accepting their husband’s climax during oral. Wives work up to it. But, do not over think this. You do not have to swallow. But, be aware that both the acceptance and the sensations you give to your husband are very satisfying if you at least allow him to “finish” inside your mouth from time to time. Sorry to be so long winded, but it strikes me as a shame that oral sex can be a source of tension, resentment and/or frustration in a loving(!) marriage.
In case the author is still reading and responding: I am a Christian man, married for over four years to a wonderful woman. During our dating period, we were active sexually, but we limited it to oral sex – she wanted to save vaginal sex for marriage, and out of love and respect for her I agreed. Besides, the OS was very satisfying to both of us, and I figured our intimacy would only grow when we added full intercourse after marriage.
Well, now that we’re married, she is no longer giving me OS. I give it to her every time we have sex- she needs it to become naturally lubricated, and lucky for her I enjoy giving it to her (and watching her enjoy it). But after she climaxes from oral she jumps on top of me for vaginal sex. She knows I love receiving OS, but the most she gives is a quick lick before hopping on top of me. I’ve brought this up multiple times, but she dodges the question and now acts annoyed when I try to bring it up.
I can completely relate to men who say they miss previous relationships that held much more satisfying sexual activity than they now enjoy with their wives. I don’t want to make her feel bad, and I don’t want this to become a reason for our marriage not to work, but I’m bored sexually and it’s terribly depressing to think this is all it will be for the remainder of my sexual life.
In reply to Frustrated:
It is surprising to hear that your wife, who had previously no problem with giving you oral sex, now does not perform it for you now that you are marred. That appears to be a case of viewing the oral sex as being only a substitute for intercourse, rather than as a supplement to it. (I have seen other comments from husbands elsewhere who have similar situations.)
Perhaps, you could approach the subject in a non-threatening manner and stress that oral sex is very pleasurable for you and that it is not just physical but gives a special emotional connection. Ask her to spend more time with it as foreplay; and then if she is willing to do that you could work up to having her now and then bring you to climax through oral. As well, what seems to help some wives is reading an essay (or two) written by a wife about the positive effects of oral sex for the man. See if you can have your wife read some of Julie’s essays on oral sex (and on sexual intimacy) here on this blog. It is worth a try.
Frustrated,
I have a few questions for you. You say that you are Christians. Was there any discussion from your now wife while you are dating that even the oral sex was sinful and that she was just doing it to please you? My wife and I did things physically while dating that we both knew was wrong if we were following Biblical principles. After we got married, there are some things we did then that we have not done since. The reason is that those activities renew the guilt of what we did while dating.
Another possibility is that, for most women, nothing is as emotionally intimate as vaginal sex. Could it be that the oral sex was just as close as she could get, but now that the fullest intimate act is available, she does not want anything less? I know that it is hard to discern the mind of a woman as a man, but this is the best I can offer.
To answer the question directly raised in the article — No, I don’t think it’s okay to say no. Intercourse and oral sex are two basics I think both in a marriage have a total right to expect.
I miss oral sex
I miss you wanting to give me oral sex
I miss you wanting to make me happy by giving me oral sex
I hate it
I hate the way you pretend that you don’t know
That Tuesday has come and gone 5 times
Since you told me to put it on the calendar
I hate your aversion to giving me oral sex
creating new excuses on the go
instead of plainly saying, “I hate it as much as
I love you doing it to me”
Instead of pretending, I wish you would acknowledge
That it sucks that this is outside of your comfort zone
recognize that I have had to adjust my expectations of you
While you expect me to continue to meet your needs
brushing up what I consider to be a vital component of sex
and so you treat me like a pervert
The like of whom has committed the biggest crime
That of wanting a blowjob from his wife
I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life
chasing your acknowledgement
Trying to convince you time and time again that it is a real need
not something that I approach with you based on pornography
or because I want to be dominant and in control
But because I get real pleasure in a different way
It’s weird that marriage occurs between two loving individuals
Who for the sake of the happiness of another
Do things they don’t want to do
Like watching TV shows, enduring in-laws, driving around, clean up after you when you’re sick
but when it comes to oral sex
it does not belong in the list of things
that you should do once in a while
with a semblance of enthusiasm
just because it pleases me
JM – your post made me cry.
“it does not belong in the list of things that you should do once in a while…just because it pleases me…” – how poignant and true!
I have been married for three months and just learned my husband is totally averse to giving me oral sex and touching my vagina. This is because he is not getting physical pleasure apparantley. I asked him: “doesn’t it make you feel good to see me experiencing pleasure?” e replied: “not really…a bit I suppose, yeah”.
He then declared: “giving you oral sex does nothing for me except give me a sore back.” He followed that by a chuckle and congratulated himself on his wit.
I am devastated because I give him oral sex almost every day – sometimes twice daily and am happy to do this as for me I am still making love to him – albeit with my mouth. I allow his refusal to have sex with me when I am menstruating – which frustrates me – but this is the final straw. How can he be so emotionally detached? How can he refuse to meet the basic sexual needs I meet for him? And yet he used to use pornography (when I was at work!!) Yet when I came home – no oral. He’s quick to tell me when he needs an orgasm – but he has to be ‘in the mood’ if I need one.
I am shocked and stunned at his complete disregard for my wellbeing and his emotional intimacy. How can he feel so unmoved by something so beautiful, loving and intimate??
I just can’t get my head around it.
Are there any men who are anti-porn and pro cunnilingus?!
J
J,
Yeah, I am. I was addicted to porn for years. I just recently quit it for good (dabbled in soft porn last year but finally stopped it all in November). My sex life is non existent now. My wife is a prude, disrespectful and insulting by accusing me of things I never did! I would love oral sex from her or to perform on her even once per week. However, untreated Vaginismus for the last 9 months put a stop to the sex. She doesn’t care, I’m an unemployed dweeb to her. Her fake injuries to her shoulder is another problem. I think she is counting on my Christian morals to keep me from wandering. I am not tempted by porn because I do other things to keep boredom away and I am healthy and exercise to take off stress. I see our marriage as a thing of détente for the remainder of our years. No more “honey-do.” And the 30th anniversary trip this year, I am cancelling. Not revenge, just avoiding another non-sex, boring trip to save money.
@JM – thanks for putting all my thoughts and feelings into human readable format.
@Jody C – Your husband is selfish little man… with a bad back…
I understand where a woman is coming from when she has a hard time with oral sex. I know that it take getting over some of the fact that the genital areas serve a dual purpose. It isn’t just a pleasure point, but a place where you do your business. I think that unless a woman is struggling with past sexual abuse, she should really consider this type of play. No, it might not ever be something she wants to do a lot, but she should at least try. Same for a man. Some men are not ok with giving their wives oral.
I had to get over some mental things to be ok with oral sex. I’m glad that I did. One thing that is frustrating me right now, is that I’m not able to give my husband oral like I used to. My jaw has been popping a lot, and it is making it painful for me to give it as much. For now, he is just happy to receive it as long a I can until it starts hurting me.
Thanks for the post on this. I know it is kind of an old post, but really, it is always relevant to marriages.
As a Christian male, I abided by my wife’s wishes not to have any type of sex prior to marriage. So, in twenty years of marriage, I have gotten one gift of oral sex. She tied it in the first year of marriage, never again. I give to her as regularly as she will allow. Sex is once every five to seven weeks. I do all the work. She does nothing. No touching, kissing, embracing, nothing. The choices are missionary or doggie style, don’t ask her to switch mid session, she’ll be annoyed. She won’t take the time to wear something pretty, shave her legs, hair, makeup, perfume, nothing. On my 40th birthday she informed me we would no longer be having sex, that I will have to take care of myself, but not use porn to do so. Since then she has admitted to intentionally gaining weight in the hopes that i would no longer be attracted to her. This is not the car, so she now allows it about once every two months. Even then it is only when it is convenient for her. If she happens to be undressing for a shower our something in that vein. Her foreplay dirty talk is, “You have twelve minutes.” This is what I have to look forward to until death do us part. I was rather a letch before meeting her, and I know what I’m missing. Like Meatloaf says, I’m posting for the end of time.”
I too am in the same situation. He has never performed is on me and I stopped giving it about 7 yrs ago. This year will be #15. To add he’s not very affectionate…he doesn’t kiss (not even during sex) no holding. There are no words to describe how I feel. Yes, we are Christians but this is ridiculously. You say don’t throw out the marriage but I’m not sure how much more I can take.
Pingback: How to Give Great Oral Sex to Your Husband | Intimacy in Marriage
Funny the last poster brought up Meatloaf…just last night I told my wife of nearly eleven years “you’re the Meatloaf song. ‘I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that.” I’m not physically cheated, but I frequently stray emotionally with porn. To the poster who gives it often twice daily: your husband is a lucky man and I jerk. I love giving and receiving. My wife refuses either. In the totality of our marriage the amount of time I’ve been inside her mouth is less than one episode of oral sex I received from a former girlfriend. She’ll ask “why does it matter so much to you?” My honest answers fall on deaf ears: it feels good, better than vaginal sex. It demonstrates you love me enough to do something JUST for me. I can actually completely relax during it. There’s no other way (without a mirror or video camera) for me to visually enjoy sex. Regular sex is boring and incredibly infrequent. The irony or Catch 22 is she feels we’re not emotionally close enough much of the time to even allow intercourse. Guess what the single most important thing for many guys is to make them feel loving and protective and emotionally close to their wives? Sex. Of any kind.
Funny the last poster brought up Meatloaf…just last night I told my wife of nearly eleven years “you’re the Meatloaf song. ‘I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that.” I’ve not physically cheated, but I frequently stray emotionally with porn. To the poster who gives it often twice daily: your husband is a lucky man and a real jerk. I love giving and receiving. My wife refuses either. In the totality of our marriage the amount of time I’ve been inside her mouth is less than one episode of oral sex I received from a former girlfriend. She’ll ask “why does it matter so much to you?” My honest answers fall on deaf ears: it feels good, better than vaginal sex. It demonstrates you love me enough to do something JUST for me. I can actually completely relax during it. There’s no other way (without a mirror or video camera) for me to visually enjoy sex. Finally, why should it matter WHY I request something? The expression of the desire should suffice in and of itself.
Regular sex is boring and incredibly infrequent. The irony or Catch 22 is she feels we’re not emotionally close enough much of the time to even allow intercourse. Guess what the single most important thing for many guys is to make them feel loving and protective and emotionally close to their wives? Sex. Of any kind.
Its at least comforting to hear that im not alone in this struggle. Ive been married 10 years and we are happy together. But 3 kids and totally different desire levels its been tough a lot. Two years ago i confessed to her about a secret porn addiction i brought into the marriage. Ive been off of that drug and have earned her forgiveness but two years later and os is still off the table. She never liked giving though i always gave freely and often. Now i feel like my confession and repentance is being used as an excuse for her to be done w oral sex. How sad. I used to love it so much and im too young to just give up. And im convinced the absence of os makes it much harder to stay truly off porn though id never say that; itd sound like i was being manipulative. Weve talked. She thinks its dirty. What does that even mean? We arent in grade school, there are no cooties. There are many things i do ONLY because it makes her happy in and out of bed. But im starting to rethink those things. Its hard not to let feelings of rejection pervade. Its hard to stay off the porn or other replacements for the godly intimacy with my wife i was built for. Why do people deny each other so much joy? Well see. I have a birthday coming up. Maybe once a month has just gone down to once a year. Swell. just swell.
To all the Christians here: We can all focus too much on “my spouse wont [fill in the blank]” Maybe they used to, maybe never had, maybe with someone else but not you.
Remember Proverbs 26:2″…even a malediction does not come without real cause…”
We may not know it. Your spouse may not even know it. But it is there. And you must respect it, or your marriage is nothing but a sham, anyway. You are not excused from anything, after all “return evil for evil to no one”
Your spouses actions/attitudes may subject you to temptation if you are not strong in your faith. Deal with it. But with God’s help. You are not alone; you have the best possible helper with God.
Praying to receive what your spouse won’t do is selfish and will not be answered anyway. Deep inside, you know that as well. You are responsible for your OWN actions. Your job is to “love, cherish, obey/protect” Nowhere is “beat down, degrade, discipline, coerce” mentioned.
Do something nice for your spouse WITH EXACTLY ZERO (0) percent expectations of receiving ANYTHING back in return. Then DO IT AGAIN, and repeat. Again and again.
Make your spouse feel safe, loved and cherished at ALL times and ALL occasions. Do it long enough, and IT WILL spill into the bedroom. Gradually. YOU do only what is right and loving. With God’s help, your partner will eventually come around.
You cannot control what your spouse does. You CAN control what YOU do. Start with that.
My sweet bride will give me oral, up to that point when she begins tasting me. Tha’s fine. I am very interested in the dietary information on that. But our diet in general is not what it should be and I am having a great deal of trouble getting that changed within my own household. But I would love love love for my bride to ask, even just allow, me to give her oral sex. She tells me it is strange. I would love to be more oral with her in general, not just in that one special place. She refuses to allow any of that. When we have sex it always can only begin with her completely under the sheets, lights out. And it is basically only the old standard. No variations. So it is somewhat frustrating for me as a husband. In fact the intercourse part doesn’t really work anymore because frankly I am just too bored. She was raised in the home of a Baptist deacon. He was extremely overweight and, I believe, for that reason his wife, as we have learned since their passing, restricted him to sex only on Thursday nights, since she would go to the hair salon on Friday’s. I don’t know of any other reason for my bride to be so restrictive except perhaps that she is not too proud of her physical condition. But she also refuses to excersize. I do my best in staying happy with her but sometimes it is really a burden that I cast on our Lord. Frankly I was deathly afraid of a situation like this arising even as a young guy prior to our 25 year marriage. Now here I am.
@JodyC, Your question: Are there any men who are anti-porn and pro cunnilingus?!
YES!
Don’t just suffer silently in your marriage. If things aren’t right, go find some counseling. Force the issue. My wife would if it were me.
Please don’t be astounded by a man who detests fellatio. My wife has come to virtually insist on performing fellatio on me. Sometimes she won’t stop until I ejaculate, but more often she is worn out before she can bring me to climax.
When I do, it is very unsatisfying. I tolerate it because she insists but I have gotten to where I rarely initiate lovemaking.
Some may think, “Wow! He is so-o-o blessed!” but to me it’s a curse.
I agree with what you say. However I’d offer a counter point. Christians in particular (opinion alert, I have no verifiable evidence) are prone to a certain brand of passive aggressiveness on the topic of sex. Something about our Lord’s command to be meek, to hold others higher than oneself, to sacrifice for others. Somehow that gets translated to “well, I’m not at all happy, but I’m going to sit hear quietly until my spouse figures out how unhappy I am” or “this isn’t any good for me, but the Lord put me here, so oh well!”. And when that happens I think something got lost in the gospel message. God desires us to have a full and vivid life, not live like scared little hermits. It goes then that one should expect Christians to have above average sex lives, because we live in truth and love and with God’s grace and blessing. Why is it then that instead Christian’s have so many sexual hangups and regressions? Oral sex is pleasurable beautiful and valuable, or has the potential to be, for many if not most couples. Just saying “I’m going to be SUPER DUPER nice to my spouse, and never mention what I want/need” isn’t being Christ like, it’s just hiding the problem, and it will come out in other ways. I think I must be venting a little bit. Sorry!
ive been with my husband for six years and he has flat out refused oral sex with me. He does not even feel comfortable getting me give it to him. Sex is Not passionate and when he’s done, he refuses to help me get to an orgasm. I’m at a point where I have been considering looking elsewhere for passion and sex. I love my husband and cannot even imagine being married to another man, because we have so many other things we share outside of the bedroom that bring us together, but I’m so unhappy when it comes to our sex life. In addition, I’m the one who has to initiate it and I’m lucky he touches me at least once a week. He told me he tried it once with an ex but did not like it … I told him he can’t compare me to her …
@Joy: “At least once a week” is pretty good. There is some interest on his part, so you have something to work with.
What do you know about his ex? Does he talk about her? Have you seen her or pictures of her?
Here is one experience: A couple of days ago, I went into my bride’s bedroom before #3 could wake up. I lay down next to her in my daily trust exercise just enjoying bring next to her. We talk a little, then her foot wanders to just the right spot, and *boom-there-it-is,” quicker than lightning, my little soldier is standing at attention. She stretches, offering me a nice view of my personal Shulamite, and as I lean forward to kiss her, she says:
“Take your clothes off. Let’s do it.”
*IMMEDIATELY* my little soldier goes into hiding and a bowling ball crashes into my chest.
That is what my ex used to say when she’d come home looking for sex.
Men are so much more sensitive than women realize, and probably the first indication or distress is sex drive.
You say you cannot imagine being married to anyone else, yet you are considering looking for passion and sex elsewhere.
The two are *not* compatible. As the Scriptures say, “A man cannot serve two masters; he either hates the one and loves the other or he sticks to the one and despises the other.”
Decisively and irrevocably make up your mind where you stand. You want in or out?
After you make the choice, the path starts to become clearer. Maybe not easy or pleasant, but clearer.
You’re in our prayers.
Ive been married 13, together 16, 2 kids. Last night my husband brought up that he feels i dont like giving him os. So i explained i love it sometimes and others-at the beginning of os- i dont, but i eventually get into it once i see im pleasing him. He took this that i find him disgusting and now he feels disgusted with himself as well. He wont look at me, wont talk to me. He said this changes his outlook on things. I tried to explain that thats not the case, he’s not disgusting and its not everytime i feel that way. He said it only takes one time for me to feel that way and itll ruin it. So, now im stuck. I dont know whats going to happen.
I feel like he’s being slightly unreasonable, he thinks i should love it everytime.
For me the issue is he wants it all the time. He wants it romantically and dirty…porn like. I dont like the porn like part. It makes me feel degraded, dirty. Unloved.
Second… he has a very mild form of MS. But its bad enough though, that he’s exhausted most of the time. He doesnt help with our girls or help around the house. He does muster enough energy that the yard and outside of our house is nice. I am 100% a caregiver to our girls and him and i have never asked for anything or expected anything in return. Recently he started new drug therapy and has more energy than normal but still doesnt help out. Even putting his toothbrush back in the drawer.
I feel like a beat down ragdoll that just gets kicked around and forgotten until someone needs something. Even my parents and siblings have stopped talking to me even though i try to reach out to them. My husband and my kids are all i have really, but i feel taken advantage of. How do i change my outlook on os. I want to like it everytime. When im into its great but when im not.. its total opposite.
Sorry if this all seems to jump around. Raw/recent emotion here, im scared and sick to my stomach about it all. I just need to figure out how to change my thinking and accept that this is not dirty.
The unimportance of sex to the refusing spouse in any form is well noted. Aside from any unreasonableness, the gatekeeper to hot uninhibited sex, should not be surprised at the husbands use of porn or an affair. In my case, as a man, the fact that my wife would sit there & smugly refuse any and all sex acts and expect me to be a good Christian man while she accuses me of causing all my sexual complaints, is utterly preposterous and contemptful. My assumption is that she hates me. Can it be a case of naiveté, maybe, but she’s 51 so, no. She hates me and wants to stay in the marriage to save face before family and friends and church people. I cannot go anywhere and my sexual needs are NOT met AND she will not sit still for me to perform on her and texts friends while I attempt it. I am stuck. Too many kids too little money. I’m tired of faking this love thing. It’s over.
Well I printed off this article AND the 20 plus pages of responses and asked her nicely to read at least the article tonight.. And guess what.. She did… then she went to bed… When I asked her if she read the article (at the very least) and the response I received was “yes I did”. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she just smirked and said “no.. that article is not even right”.. and then she rolled over and went to sleep… So much for a college educated career medical professional… who is very active Christian (she is the piano player for all services, member of several committees, read her bible every night, etc). Like so many I read about here, she is in complete denial that there is an issue… BTW.. Please dont tell me the Lord created the pleasure of sex and then say I should at this point resolve myself to nothing and “pay to God to remove these urges”.. thats kind of an oxymoron aint it??
Well, MARRIED BUT HAVE GIVEN UP what has happened to you is just a constant in the Christian marriage. My wife simply will not admit hundreds of refusals over the last ten years. I asked again tonight and again it was no. My average for “planned” sex runs about twice a month. Spontaneous sex has not happened in nine years. What??? Have I been a martyr in Christian sex for that long? Yes, unfortunately I have. I read in this blog comments by women whose husbands refuse them. I just wish I had married one of those women when I read the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages. I don’t remember agreeing to be “celibate man” while we were dating and she was after me constantly? You are not alone. And like you I am about to surrender to this non-Biblical way of life. Well at least I will die a martyr. Sorry I sound angry but I am—-every day for years. I actually thought I would make some progress sharing the comments of Julie and other fine women on this blog but it is not happening. Funny how a Christian women wanted to sleep with me so much before the wedding date.
Everyone should have a chance to have a satisfying sex life and have their fetishes satisfied from time to time, and no one should be forced to do anything that they don’t want to. My wife does not swallow. But ladies, if it is something your man desires, he does feel rejected if you don’t. He will feel that you do not love or care for him enough to do that for him. And if you do not adore your husband enough to fulfill his fantasies, then what is the point? Men know it’s not like drinking hot chocolate, so if a lady is willing to do that occasionally, a good man will do anything he can for her! It makes him feel like a king, like he won the jackpot! If he is a good man, he will treat his queen just as well, and do what she likes! It doesn’t have to be swallowed every time, but when you rush off like you have been poisoned it is a big turn off. My wife’s failure to follow through on the promise she made before marriage proved indicative of other things she would not follow through on, concerning money, kids, etc. If I could go back in time, I would have left her as soon as I figured out she wasn’t going to keep her promises, instead of hoping for years that she would change.
Julie, why would a male or female say no to oral sex??? My experience is more spouses, male and female, can be brought to orgasm by oral sex than any other way. PARTICULARLY it is useful for women who cannot orgasm. If a spouse does not know HOW to use oral sex successfully for one of the most wonderful roads to intimacy and orgasm then this blog and others have links to help you. Most of the women who have discussed HOW to finally have an orgasm DID once they participated in this with their husbands. I also do not understand spouses who refuse to kiss each other after oral sex??? THIS just adds ammunition to the faulty thinking that oral sex is bad. Oral sex on your wife will, sooner or later, produce the most dynamic orgasm you may ever experience. Open up your heart and your intimacy and go for it. My marriage does not allow for much sex but there is never an orgasm problem for my spouse. She just struggles with the thought that something so good must be basically wrong? Very sad indeed to allow faulty Christian teaching to ruin ultimate intimacy. Thanks.
@John R … I couldn’t really tell from your comment if you were implying that I was saying oral sex is wrong biblically? Just to clarify, I don’t think there is anything wrong with oral sex from a biblical standpoint. If anything, I think in the post I was a champion for oral sex in marriage. I think oral sex can be a great part of intimacy in a marriage, but I tried to shed light on scenarios where oral sex may be difficult.
Anyway, hope this clarifies.
Julie, Heck no! I was saying just the opposite—oral sex is Biblically sound and I am happy that a married Christian woman will come out and champion it! I was saying, and maybe not very well, how significant oral sex can be to marital intimacy. And I was questioning why people ( not you) would oppose it so strongly? It is an intimacy builder and, at least in my experience, a likely way for a wife to have an orgasm. For those who have difficulty with orgasm–oral sex is a wonderful approach and a gift from God. Thanks.
I’ve been looking for info online to see if I am asking for too much in our relationship. We’ve been married for 10 years and have 2 young children. Since we’ve had kids my wife’s interest in sex seems to be dropping off, at least to me. One subject of debate is oral sex. I’ve always loved to go down on my wife and I believe it delivers her best orgasms. She always try’s to stop me but she is conflicted as she wants me to do it, yet she doesn’t because she doesn’t want to reciprocate. Only recently she admitted to it. Keep in mind I have never used it against her to coerce her into performing on me.
Once in a great while she will perform for me, but it is always half hearted and she complains and makes it not worth it for me. This lack of care for pleasing me is what concerns me. I would rather not have the act if it is not sincere and loving. I’ve tried talking about it but it always gets turned around and makes me look like I’m the one that’s unhappy. Lately that same feeling of her not enjoying oral sex, I feel about all other sex and intimacy. I feel that everything, not just oral sex is starting to become more of a chore for her and I don’t know how to get her interested again. I feel like our sex life especially oral sex, is being thrown out of our lives.
Do you think it to much for me to want my wife to enjoy sex and enjoy pleasuring me? With regards to both regular sex and oral?
The Song of Songs can be interpreted in many different ways. To say that it implies or points to oral sex is presumptuous. The beauty of this passage is in the eye of the reader and inferring oral sex is just one interpretation but is not definitive. The “fruits of the garden” (to paraphrase) can mean anything, including engaging in regular, normal sex. That having been said, I feel it’s perfectly reasonable to say “no” to oral sex. I don’t like oral sex. I tried it once and it made me gag, and made me sick. So do I want to do it again? No thanks. If a roller coaster makes me sick, I’m not going to go on it again, no matter how thrilling it is, and no matter how much you sugar coat it. I’m not saying that oral sex is wrong, in fact within the marriage bed, it can be a wonderful source of enjoyment, and should be done if both parties enjoy it or are willing to try it. However if you are like me, and do not like it, you shouldn’t feel like you have to do it to further your relationship with your spouse, or that your “reasons” for not doing it are unjustified. I only have one reason: I don’t like it. I think it’s gross (no matter how much showering you do beforehand). And that’s enough for me. I think way too much hype has been put on oral sex, and people who don’t want to do it are made to feel guilty, or that they somehow don’t love their spouse enough to try. This couldn’t be more wrong. I love God and my husband with all my heart, but I am not going to keep praying every day that God will “make me like oral sex somehow”. It makes me uncomfortable, and there are lots of other ways to please my husband other than that. Here’s another scenario….if I know that my husband doesn’t like peanut butter, but every time we go on a picnic, I make peanut butter sandwiches (because unless he’s allergic there is nothing wrong with peanut butter other than the fact he doesn’t like it), is he going to want to go on picnics with me? Probably not. He will not look forward to it; he will dread it. So while I appreciate all of the articles out there that say oral sex is OK within the marriage bed, and that it’s not unhealthy (in most circumstances), I really do not feel that it’s the be all and end all of sex. If you enjoy it, great! If you don’t like it, don’t do it. And don’t feel bad about it. Truly loving your spouse means finding other ways to enjoy them. IMHO.
My wife doesn’t like the taste or texture of semen in her mouth, so as I get close to orgasm I pull out and come all over her face. She seems to prefer this method and it’s quite exciting for me.
I think one thing does have to be acknowledged here: Things HAVE changed over the years. My wife and I got married in the mid-70s, and this was before any of the “Christian sex books” were published. Our main source of information was Van de Velde’s “Ideal Marriage”, and that was first published in the 1930s! Lots of evangelical couples didn’t even have that to consult. Yes, oral sex was mentioned – barely, for maybe less than one paragraph, and with great reticence. It certainly wan’t endorsed and recommended with enthusiasm.
Frankly, I do see some similarity in changing attitudes toward both oral sex and tattoos, believe it or not. Back in the mid-70s, both were seen as something done by people on the margins of society. Neither were seen as something that upright, proper, educated, middle-class, evangelical Christians did. For the most part, we didn’t. Now, let me hasten to add here: any personal condemnation toward others that might have gone along with that was clearly wrong. However, that doesn’t change the fact that for many of us who are now in our 60s or beyond, we just grew up with different attitudes than you younger people have toward oral sex as well as tattoos. Attitudes really have changed a lot, and relatively quickly.
None of this constitutes a suggestion as to what anyone should or should not do now. It is just an attempt at an explanation as to why those of us who are older might struggle quite a bit more with the whole idea of this, and why some of us are reluctant to even give it a try.
What does it mean when your husband wakes you up giving you oral but when yo want to return the favor or have sex he tells you that he doesn’t want to? I asked him why he woke me up then and he had no answer.