Is It Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex?
Posted on Saturday, December 31st, 2011
Years ago, a friend and I were talking in general about sex. In the course of our conversation, the topic of oral sex came up.
I casually mentioned, “What’s not to like about oral sex?”
“Giving or receiving?” she asked.
“Both,” I responded enthusiastically.
Now I realize that this throws me into a narrow group of wives who embrace the value of oral sex as part of a couple’s sexual repertoire.
I hear from husbands who wish their wives were more interested in incorporating oral play into their sexual intimacy. Some even wonder if it is reasonable that a wife say “no” to oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving.
Is it reasonable to say “no” to oral sex?
In some cases I think it is. I’ll address those first, and then I’ll explore what I think are weak reasons for saying “no.”
First of all, if a woman has experienced past sexual abuse, particular as a child, and oral sex was part of that abuse, I think it is reasonable that it may be incredibly difficult to include oral sex in the current context of her marital intimacy.
I’m not saying this would be true with all wives, and I’m certainly not saying that past sexual abuse gives a wife a lifetime free pass on no sex at all.
When a woman marries, even if she has suffered past sexual abuse, she is agreeing that sexual intercourse will be part of her marriage. This doesn’t mean she is agreeing to everything her husband may want to do sexually.
What I’m sensitive to is that sexual abuse is one of the most horrendous traumas a person can experience. If there are triggers that linger long after much healing has taken place, it’s really not beneficial for a husband to set off those specific triggers that are extremely painful to his wife.
What about sexually transmitted diseases?
I know this probably goes without saying, but if there are concerns about sexually-transmitted diseases, then a couple needs to be wise to not expose each other to risks. I’m not a doctor, but I do think it’s reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if there are risks of disease transfer. And if disease risks are present, a couple still needs to take precaution during intercourse.
Lastly, I think it would be reasonable to say “no” to oral sex if this has become the only kind of sexual intimacy a couple is experiencing. There is something powerfully unifying when a husband’s penis is in his wife’s vagina. If this has been erased from the menu, and oral sex is the only sexual encounter happening, that’s a bit of a red flag to me.
Balance. Oral sex can be a great complement within sexual intimacy, but not to the exclusion of everything else.
What about wives who just don’t like oral sex, but don’t really have any strong reason for saying no?
My challenge to wives who have flat out refused any kind of oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving, is to really look at why they feel that way.
Are you trying to argue it from a biblical standpoint?
In my opinion, you won’t get very far. Most theologians and people who have thoroughly studied the book of Song of Songs believe it includes positive references to marital oral pleasure. Also, there is no scripture in the Bible that specifically says a husband and wife cannot include oral sex in their intimacy.
I think common sense, though, is the strongest path toward broadening your perspective on this.
Obviously, as husbands and wives, we often kiss and touch each other in various ways during lovemaking. Most people would say it’s just fine that a husband kiss his wife’s neck or even her breasts or navel during lovemaking. Likewise, most people would not find it odd if a wife were to kiss her husband’s chest and so forth.
Following this logic, why would we think that there are certain parts of our anatomy that cannot be touched and kissed and caressed during lovemaking? How do we possibly draw an arbitrary line where no line exists?
Are your refusing oral sex because of hygiene concerns?
The simple solution to this is that you both come to bed having washed your genital area.
Some wives are hesitant because a husband ejaculates from the same opening as he urinates. But God designed the male body so these experiences don’t happen at the same time. When a penis is erect, the focus is on sex, not on urination.
Likewise, some women worry that a husband will be offended by the vaginal area, but as I already mentioned… a shower, bath or simple use of a washcloth before sexual intimacy can help ease those concerns. (A shower together can be great foreplay!)
Are you refusing because you don’t know if you will do it right?
If your unspoken reason for not initiating oral sex is because you are afraid you won’t be very good at it, I think your husband would still want you to give it a try and vulnerably ask for his feedback. I have no doubt that if you are open to being taught, he will teach you. (Same goes for you husbands — allow her to coach you on how to orally please her).
I recognize that despite all the rationalizations as to why oral sex would be okay, some wives simply won’t have anything to do with it.
What is a husband to do?
Well, it definitely isn’t loving to force a sexual act, so coercion, physical force and demands are not an option.
If her heels are dug in, then I think the husband has little alternative but to ask the Lord to help him let this desire go. As a married couple, they are at an impasse. Lovingly trying to generate conversation is good. Throwing the marriage under the bus because of no oral sex is not.
My hope would be that a wife who is unwilling to budge would do a bit of introspection to see if her steel-clad refusal is really reasonable.
If you are that wife, are you being reasonable on this?
Under the right circumstances, oral sex can be an amazing addition to sexual intimacy, resulting in new waves of pleasure and closeness.
In my book, there’s a lot to like about oral sex.
What do you all think about this topic? Please comment and add to the discussion.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Related posts:
- Enough With the Double Standards Regarding Oral Sex
- An Important Follow Up on the Oral Sex Post
- Pulling Back the Sheets: Genuine Dialogue Among Christians about Oral S.ex
- Does a Wife’s Orgasm Even Matter?
- 5 Reasons “Faking It” Is Hurting Your Relationship
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What if a husband likes to give, but the wife doesn’t like how it feels? If the goals are bonding and pleasure, then it seems like something that doesn’t bring any kind of pleasure to the recipient shouldn’t be included. Should the wife allow the husband to give even if it causes the wife to tense up and doesn’t bring her any pleasure? This is not a case of past abuse.
Great comment Anonymous. My suggestion would be that the wife and husband have a heart-to-heart conversation about this. Only the two of them can arrive at a place of whether this is enhancing their intimacy. As a wife, I would try to understand how much the husband really likes to give.
When you say he “likes to give,” is it because it is a big turn on to him or is because he feels like he “should” do it because she performs oral sex on him?
In other words, if it is a huge turn on to him, I could see where the wife would allow this occasionally — but with an attitude of love, not an attitude of tension or annoyance, because obviously that’s not going to create a very good scenario.
But if it’s not that it’s a huge turn on for him and the wife could convey to her husband that she simply doesn’t care for receiving oral sex — and that it has nothing to do with him — it’s just a personal preference thing… well, hopefully the husband could see that this isn’t a deal breaker.
As with everything, tone says a lot. Getting to a place of being able to vulnerably talk not only about what each person likes sexually, but why they like it…. when that kind of conversation happens, a husband and wife can learn a lot about each other.
Thanks again for the comment! So appreciate you stopping by!
Thank you so much for posting this! I have been looking and looking for a long time for a blog post or SOMETHING Christian that I can read up on this topic. I got married over a year ago and still have not given my husband oral sex. I am very nervous about it and as the time goes on further, it has become like an elephant in our room so it’s really awkward for me now :/ I think I need to pray and just do it already lol. Thank you again for this post- it was an encouragement to me. God bless.
What if it is an issue of taste and smell? My husband loves oral (both receiving and giving) but I can’t stand the taste or smell of genital fluids. The first time I gave to him I threw up. I don’t mind recieving oral but I have a rule of no kissing afterwards if he decides he has to for whatever reason.
Maybe this is an issue of past abuse (I was molested and raped repeatedly at the age of 3-5). I’ve gotten past most the things that make me uncomfortable and remind me of that awful time of my life but I can’t seem to get past the taste and smell. I’d hate to use past abuse as an excuse. I’m not even sure if taste and smell is an excuse. It just doesn’t seem fair to ask someone to do something that makes them sick to their stomach. DH never asks but I know he greatly desires it. Am I wrong for turning him down?
Nicole, speaking as a husband, I think it is a pretty safe bet that anything you do along these lines out of love will be well received.
I don’t think you should feel like you have to be an expert right away. You and your husband can learn together. A kiss or a lick – “was that nice? Or is this better?” might be a good way to explore.
Also, if the idea of having the whole thing in your mouth worries you, start with kisses and licks, and go from there.
My bride sometimes has to remind me to breath! I get so wrapped up in the intensity and intimacy of it.
Be loving, be bold!
Is it really fair to ask a loving husband to ask the Lord to let a god-honoring sexual desire go? Oral sex should neither be demanded in the moment nor unreasonably withheld, so as to prevent temptation outside of the marriage bed. Stronger forces may be at play within the denial. It should not be taken lightly.
Thank you Nicole, JM, Robert and Anonymous Man for your comments… I appreciate you stopping by!!
JM… as for taste and smell, I recognize that these can be challenges. I would say that there are ways to still give pleasure, but not necessarily complete the act with your mouth. As a couple, it can be good to talk about what is helpful to make the experience less offensive as far as tastes and smells.
Anonymous Man… My point with saying a husband needs to try to let the desire of oral sex go if his wife refuses to budge was simply that I don’t think refusal of oral sex is grounds for throwing the marriage under the bus. Certainly a husband can continue to lovingly bring the topic up. My hope would be that the wife would broaden her perspective (which I tried to convey in the blog post). But the reality is, if the wife isn’t going to do it, a husband has to decide if it’s really worth it to devote so much focus to that one particular sexual act. Now, if there is no intercourse happening, I think that’s a different issue all together. There’s a lot of potential for fabulous sexual intimacy even if oral sex never happens.
The first time I gave oral sex was on my husband after we were married. I love to give and receive. I give more than receive but that is okay. I don’t mind. It really enhances our sexual experience. I didn’t know how to do it when I first tried it on my husband but he helped me and now is very pleased.
My thought on taste and smell, make sure they are clean and maybe try some flavored lube stuff. I cannot think of the name. That might help. Just a thought.
Oral sex is the least of my concerns, as I am starting to dislike sex period. I do it out of duty and it is getting more difficult as time goes on.
JM’s comments about smell and taste, I relate to because the more disconnected I I feel, the more uncomfortable and ‘yucky’ the smells becomes. I don’t even like kissing him anymore.
Honestly, men are men whether they are Christian or not. This particular act is about dominance and control, which is the icing on the pleasure of the act itself. Most men want to have it performed on them because of what they’ve seen in porn. It has very little to do with God-sanctioned pleasuring of your spouse, IMO.
Why can’t we just be honest and call it for what it is? I has nothing to do with being religious or fulfilling a wifely duty. It’s about the male animal behaving the way they were built.
Thank you for your comments Shelly and Sasha…
Great points Shelly about flavored lubricant. Lots of choices these days!
Sasha, I’m sorry to hear sex within your marriage has become such a difficult place. I hear your pain. We’ll have to agree to disagree on your observations that oral sex is about dominance and control. While that may be true in some situations, I don’t think it’s true in all. Men are men whether they are Christian or not, but that does not mean all men approach sex with their wives based on pornography or control.
I am saddened by your pain… my heart grieves over the struggles in your marriage.
Wish you all a Happy New Year!
Christian or not, a man wants oral sex because it gives him pleasure and it ‘pampers’ him at the same time. Men love being spoiled. Just like us…
Some say that love is the first casualty of marriage. This didn’t happen to us, on the contrary. Love is about giving without waiting for something in exchange. Among the many things he gave me was oral sex. He didn’t ask, he kept giving, along with being romantic and spoiling me on many occasions. Couple years later, I took the courage and began giving him back. Couple decades later, oral sex is the most amazing giving and getting part of our intimacy in marriage. We do it in every possible way minus anal, because anal is totally unhealthy and that’s a physiological NO-GO! That’s one of the good reasons for banning sodomy, after all.
About the taste of sperm? Feed him less meat, less spicy meals, focus on fruits and veggies, pineapple is a prime. Then see how sweet your hubby will become…
If you want him on a diet, then trade unhealthy meals for oral sex. Sit and watch in amazement how he changes his eating habits…
If he loves you and spoils you, why shouldn’t you give him an extra in return?
The first time a woman chooses to give oral sex, there is a “you want me to put my mouth where?” nervousness that passes through her. I have wondered if there is a delicate way to post a how-to on that subject because it doesn’t have to be horribly uncomfortable; it should be pleasurable for both.
A lot of people I know who won’t have oral sex simply can’t seem to relax about the concept. If they could tune in to the physical sensations in the moment, they might learn to like it. As to God being okay with it, I don’t know how else one can interpret “his fruit is sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3) and “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (Song of Songs 4:16).
I certainly don’t believe that oral sex is a must to a great marital sex life, nor should anyone be coerced, but if you’re sitting on the fence, you might give it a shot. Great advice overall, Julie!
I think Doris has a good point.
Oral sex is wonderful both because it feels amazing and because it is pampering. When my bride does this for me, she is very much in control. All I can do is revel in the sensation. Because all I can do is receive her gift of pleasure, it allows me to focus on the sensation. I hadn’t thought of calling it “pampering” – but that’s a really good description.
Thank you for this article. Mine and my husbands sex life was horrible in the past. We would do it maybe once a month if that. This lasted for about 17 years. Now, we are totally opposite. We practically have sex every night, but this didn’t happen until we started working on our relationship in general. We both have fell so much in love with one another that it is coming out every night physically. Another thing that changed was the fact that we are so open with each other and enjoy every aspect of sex whether it is the holding each other, kissing, oral sex (which we NEVER did in the past) and then the intercourse. Oral sex was a turn off to me due to my past of being sexually molested by being made to perform oral sex, but something within me triggered where after all these years, once we started working on our relationship, I wanted to have oral sex with him and to allow him to do the same. Sex is something so wonderful and beautiful that was given to us by God that just amazes me now. I enjoy the gift God gave me to enjoy everyday…every single part of it.
I agree with Robert that a gradual approach is the way to go for a wife who feels very nervous about trying oral sex. A little kiss, a little lick, a little bigger kiss, etc. You can work up to it over time. Chances are, your husband will like anything that you do, especially if he sees that you are trying hard to give him pleasure and make him happy. When you are ready to try something more than a little kiss or lick, be sure to get into a comfortable position. I didn’t realize for years that the position I was using (both of us lying on our sides) made it ridiculously difficult for me! Kneeling between his legs is is much more comfortable.
If the idea of him coming in your mouth is a bit much, oral sex need not result in him finishing.
For me and my bride, oral sex is very much a part of our love making. However, I don’t finish that way – its probably been 20 years since my bride has finished me off that way. I have no complaints!
As a husband, let me express my deep love for my bride who has overcome some issues to be more sexually free with me, including the issue of giving me OS. She is not ready (and may never be) to bring me to completion, but that’s okay. She is generous nonetheless.
But I also had to make the decision to overcome my own concerns and fears to ravish her orally. I made a plan to do it, told her that I was going to do it on a certain day (night she got out for Christmas break), and geared myself up for it. Honestly, I had to muscle my way through it for a couple of weeks but soon enough my mind began to associate the aroma, the taste, and the texture with my bride’s arousal and it quickly became one of my favorite things.
So for any bride or groom who is concerned about the smell or taste, I would agree to try the flavored lube, but I would also ask that you consider giving it an honest effort. If you have other concerns, that’s fine; but if your primary concern is this, then that can probably be overcome relatively quickly with some time and effort. And we still always make sure we are cleaned up beforehand, which makes this such a great part of our love life.
Sasha is absolutely right that oral sex is about control. When my wife gives it to me, she is in absolute control of me! In fact, I am putty in her hands. I’m pretty sure that right after, whatever she asked me to do, I would do it, no questions asked (not that she’s ever taken advantage of that!)
Also, Sasha, taking your argument at face value, who built the “male animal” that particular way? Why do you suppose He did that?
He did that because a lot of women could really care less about sex (hence this entire website, yes?). So if we are going to propagate the species, SOMEONE has to get the ball rollin’! (smile)
My disillusionment with marriage and sex has to do with outside forces in my own relationship and not being equally yoked, as it were. From porn to other issues, and being made to feel like *I* am the one who is out of touch and judgmental because *I* don’t accept things that ‘everyone’ else deems as normal.
I am resigned to what is. Maybe if I felt a greater emotional connection and could let go of my hurt for things past, I could be happy in my relationship the way I used to be. I am my own enemy. Thank you David S., and everyone, for your comments and insights. They are truly appreciated.
Ah, that puts a different light on it. If you don’t feel emotionally connected to him outside the bedroom, or don’t feel he’s trustworthy or safe, it’s no wonder your sex life is suffering.
I’d encourage you to seek out trusted third parties who can at least help you get as healthy as you can, given a discouraging situation. Pastor, counselor, etc. And whether you do that or not, a book like Boundaries In Marriage would be a tremendous aid.
And though you can only work on yourself, often the work you do on yourself changes the terms of the game, so that your husband feels compelled to change as well.
Prayers and blessings!
Also: I’d answer my own earlier question this way — God made your husband “that way” for reproductive purposes, of course. You’re right.
But it seems he also created him that way to give him a reason to seek oneness with you. I’d imagine that without a sex drive, many men would be more than content to be little islands unto themselves, busying themselves with work, hobbies and TV. But to have sex requires a relationship. To have GOOD sex requires a good relationship! God was pretty smart that way.
I believe that God did not create us to do oral sex. He created us for reproduction and hence regular sexual intercourse. But in no way were our mouths supposed to be there! My main concerns are that there are increasing research studies showing that oral sex can cause throat cancer (just search it in Google). And using flavored lubricants would probably make the possibility of cancer that much more likely! Do you know the chemicals or other ingredients in the lubricants? In my opinion, things that can cause cancer are not intended by God! I don’t care if it even seems like “everyone else is doing it”, the fact of the matter is that I would rather be the more educated one, doing my research and doing what’s natural!
Hello Concerned… Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I so appreciate you took the time to read the post.
I respect that we’ll have to agree to disagree on whether God approves of oral sex.
As I mentioned in the post, people should be aware of sexually transmitted diseases, including any that could cause damage to the throat. When those risks aren’t present, though, I think many married couples welcome what oral sex adds to their sexual intimacy.
God did create us for reproduction. But reproduction is not the only purpose of sex. If it were, then what do you say to 60-year-old married people, or people who are infertile — are they to live a sexless marriage. God obviously created sex for pleasure too! A husband kissing his wife’s breast doesn’t have anything to do with reproduction either, but I don’t think you’d find too many married couples who could argue this is wrong.
As for lubricants, I’ve yet to see any reputable ones that aren’t edible. But a lubricant isn’t needed for oral sex, so there are certainly plenty of married couples enjoying oral sex without any man-made lubricant.
Simply because you do not prefer oral sex or you do not think it is right for married couples doesn’t make you “more educated” than someone else.
I am very grateful for the dialogue, though, even though we disagree on some major points! I’m loving the dialogue this post has brought forth. Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you’ll take the time to comment again in the future.
Be blessed! Julie
One more thought for wives not sure they want their mouth anywhere near that thing when it goes off.
You could love him orally until he is desperate for release, then either switch to some other activity you might both enjoy or use your hands to finish him off.
I feel verrrrrry loved when my bride does this for me!
You continue to amaze and inspire me with your ability to tactfully handle such delicate topics. As a sexual abuse survivor who was forced on numerous occasions to both give and receive oral sex as well as being raped I have struggled with oral sex off and on over the years: both giving and receiving. There have been times when I relish the idea and act and other times when it just doesn’t appeal to me. For me, and I think many women (and maybe men) the “approach” is critical. For example, spending the day without connection and then going to your spouse and announcing “I want a BJ” or sticking your genitals in your spouses face would be a trigger for me and a BIG turnoff. You so often emphasize that sex the way God created it to be is about LOVE and everything we do surrounding it should be with that intention – loving your spouse. Oral sex puts the receiver in a very vulnerable position and if the emotions or love and trust are not there AT THE EXACT TIME, then OS isn’t going to be pleasurable for one, or possibly either, spouse. No type of sex should ever be coerced – be that physical or emotional coercion. Also, I think as we age our bodies change and acts we did or did not enjoy need to be reevaluated and possibly modified. My 20′s were VERY different from my 30′s and now 40′s. Once again, thank you for your courage and candor in handling sexual topics in a God-honoring manner. Blessings
Whoa, I wasn’t expecting this! I love that you didn’t tip toe around this subject that is such a dividing point for women (especially, Christian women). I’m not too sure why so many find it gross but I know many do. I’m so happy you chose to dive into this subject and begin the conversation.
Thanks for this, Julie. My feelings with regards to OS is that I feel most vulnerable with receiving, so I prefer to give instead. I don’t think that is OK really, ‘cos to be honest, it is as though I am holding a bit of myself back- a safe place that only me knows about. Phew!
So your article does help and I will try to review the issue with my husband. I am getting butterflies in my stomach now…….
Sexual Intimacy Variety? Want Some? | Intimacy in Marriage says: February 8th, 2012 at 7:56 pm
[...] Sure, as long as it’s a complement in the sexual repertoire, not the one and only main event. (I’ve written about oral sex before here, here, here and most recently here). [...]
in response to sasha:
I understand where you are coming from. Let me briefly tell you what has just happened to me just a little over 2 weeks ago. I too felt the same way you did about my husband. Wanted nothing to do with him, sex or any other kind of affection. I choose masturbation over sex with him not realizing that the problem was deeper then that.. I needed to be healed of deep rooted issues in the past where sex was concerened.. My husband has a brain injury and he also had an anger problem. I wouldn’t even pray for him..I have a very high sex drive, but when God says no premarital sex, He means it because you bring all that over into a marriage and you will have issues on down the line..I had been raped at age 12..as a result of that, I had deep down resentment that I did’nt even know was there..I had sexual partners from teenage years up until I got married…Im now 46 years with 2 kids 8 and 6..I very much wanted to be married and loved..My church was offereing a healing and delverance class and I decided to take the class..I went back to every person I had been with…Not only had I forgave them,but I had to break that curse that was over my life and ruining my mariage…All of a sudden I ask the Lord for a more “intimate” relationship with Him…He turned my feelings to my husband…It was like a truck had been lifted off of me..I felt feelings coming back for my husband….It changed my mind toward sex with him and re building my relationship with him..We now have sex, and oral sex every day, sometimes twice a day.:)…Ask God to heal you and show you what needs to be done…He will do it, because he is sooo very concerend about your marriage..He invinted sex and He invinted orgasms…They are a gift in the marriage bed.:)
let me clarify something in my last post…I have been with my husband for 8 years. and When I said ” I went back to all of those partners”, I ment that I wrote there name down on a piece of paper…I see that I was writing this is a hurry because I had so much to say, lol….For two years we had sex once every two weeks
…He would look at porn because of me…I had to repent of all of this that I caused.