Intimacy in Marriage

Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Altar of Inhibition: Are You Sacrificing Your Sexual Intimacy?

This is Part 3 of our series “What Altars Are You Sacrificing Your Sexual Intimacy On?”

I've been blessed to connect with Brad and Kate Aldrich of One Flesh Marriage.  Today Kate shares how inhibitions can sabotage sexual intimacy.  Take a look and see what you think.

All wives have inhibitions where sexual intimacy is concerned.

Even the best of us, who consider ourselves sexually confident, have times of doubt and fear.  The question is whether you will choose to stay in the place of doubt and fear or choose, with Christ’s help, to move beyond the inhibitions to a place of sexual confidence.

That is a question that greatly affects your marriage and your growth toward full sexual intimacy with your husband.

So who the heck am I to be talking about sexual confidence?  Good question . . .

I am almost 34 years old, my husband and I have been married for 12 years, and I have given birth to two children, one vaginally (TMI, I know!) and one C-Section.  I have stretch marks and a C-section scar to prove it.

So I am right there with you all and I know what it is like to feel subconscious about putting on a piece of sexy lingerie or parading around naked for my hubby.

So how did I shake this off?

How did I become a sexually confident wife and a real participant in the sexual intimacy with and for my husband?

First I recognized the roadblocks!

If we recognize the roadblocks, we can learn to move them out of the way!  Here are the two major barricades that could keep you from finding sexual confidence and growing sexual intimacy with your husband:

Roadblock #1:  Naked and Ashamed

The main thing that keeps us women locked in the chains of inhibition in the bedroom is our feelings about ourselves.  How we perceive our self and how we feel about our bodies.  On our blog, One Flesh Marriage, we have talked about this very subject in our posts:  Reflections on the Mirror and Sex in the Mirror.

How we feel about ourselves affects everything in our lives, especially sexual intimacy.  Why?  Because we are letting it all hang out -- literally. We are completely exposed, naked before our hubby. At least we are supposed to be.

How many of you hide under the covers in the dark for sex?

When thinking about this, I think back to Adam and Eve -- the first marriage.  Before their disobedience, they gave us a glimpse into what a perfect marriage should be.  They were naked before each other and unashamed.  There was nothing to come in between that connection.  Then sin entered and we questioned everything.  We questioned God and ourselves.

Thus began the timeless struggle with self worth and body image.

Our society is super saturated with images everywhere, most inappropriate and unrealistic.

It is no wonder why women feel this way.  But we have the power to change all of that, to become confident women -- sexually confident women!

What is keeping you from making progress?  Past hurts, body image, weight, low energy?  Whatever it is, you need stop letting it have a hold on you and your intimacy with your hubby.  Break free and stop dwelling!

Find a woman you trust and talk with her about your struggles. You are beautiful to God and your hubby!  It is time for us ladies to take back our lives.  Realize that the way God created you is beautiful and let your husband enjoy that beauty.  Let him bask in the sunshine of you!

Roadblock #2:  Fear the New

Couples are often afraid to try new things in the bedroom for one of three reasons. Some are afraid because they are intimidated to bring up the idea of something new to their spouse, some because they are not confident in themselves and some because they question whether or not these new things are "dirty."

Spicing up the bedroom is a fun way to keep your sexual intimacy new, fun and adventurous.  I am not talking about doing anything that makes you truly uncomfortable, but I am talking about things that are healthy and fun.

For example:

  • Trying new positions
  • New locations
  • Wearing sexy outfits or lingerie
  • Talking sexy to him during sex
  • Even talking with your hubby before intimacy about what feels good and pleases him.

Many times Christ followers think trying new things in the bedroom is wrong or dirty.  These feelings may come from our upbringing or teachings that we have heard.

My hubby and I have investigated the Scriptures about sex many times and there is nothing that says being adventurously sexy for one another or having variety with one another is bad in any way.  What we do read is that sex is a very special bond that was created for husbands and wives to experience together.

God designed sex for our mutual pleasure. Be willing to step out and try something a little new and different.  Talk with your hubby about being adventurous.

Share where you are and where you would be willing to step out.  Talking about it with your hubby can be very stimulating in its own right and will lead you both to a better understanding of each other. Willingness to communicate will speak volumes about how much you desire to have amazing sexual intimacy and connection with your hubby.

Need a road map to overcoming roadblocks?

Let the book of  Song of Solomon in the Bible be your guide!!  In our posts Climb the Palm Tree and Take Hold of Its Fruit and I Delight to Sit in His Shade and His Fruit is Sweet to My Taste, Brad and I share some of the very vivid and encouraging words of Solomon.

Regardless of who Solomon was talking to, it is clear that sexuality and enjoying each other’s bodies as God created them is highly valued.  I encourage you to read through the whole book of Song of Solomon with your hubby.  Be encouraged and inspired by the imagery described.

I know there are other roadblocks as well, but I am thinking these are the top two!

If you spend time, effort, communication and prayer on these two, I believe that God will bless your sexual intimacy in ways you never thought possible.  It is time to stop sacrificing your sexual intimacy with your husband at the altar of inhibition.

It is time to stop laying back and taking one for the team.  You know exactly what I mean!  Your hubby wants and desires for you to be an active, sexy, confident participant in your sexual intimacy together.

It is so incredibly simulating to our husbands when we as wives are working the "gifts" God gave us and enjoying his advances to them!

Brad and Kate write and speak to encourage couples on their One Flesh marriage journey, believing Intimacy is a HUGE part of that journey.  Brad and Kate’s blog/ministry can be found at www.onefleshmarriage.com.  Brad and Kate live in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, with their three children.

Don't miss the other posts in this on-going series!  Sign up with the RSS-thingy so you can catch what other great marriage bloggers will be saying about the Altars We Sacrifice Sexual Intimacy On.

PART 1: The Altar of Time by Dustin Riechmann

PART 2: The Altar of Ideal Conditions by Lori Lowe

June 13th, 2011 by