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Not all orgasms come easy.
No pun intended. I'm being serious here, because one of the most common frustrations I hear from women -- one of the primary reasons they don't enjoy sex -- is that they are not climaxing.
What would things be like if thousands upon thousands of husbands rarely or never enjoyed the intensity of orgasm? I doubt anyone, least of all the husbands, would be sitting idly by, just chalking it up to "Well, that's just the way things are."
And yet, this is exactly what many wives resign themselves to, as if orgasm is an ala carte item available only to men on the sexual intimacy menu.
Now, I'm not saying orgasm is everything. Certainly I too enjoy the emotional connection and oneness that sex affords. Let's get real though. Orgasm may not be everything, but it is definitely a very strong something.
Sexual intimacy without orgasm is like driving all the way across the country to see the ocean, only to simply peer at it while standing in the asphalt parking lot. Yuck.
Seriously, why come so far to not enjoy such intense pleasure (God-designed pleasure, I might add). Sure, there's "joy in the journey," but we would be fooling ourselves if we try to argue there ain't a whole bunch of joy in the destination as well.
Just ask any kid if they would like to go to Disney World -- just to stand outside the front gates, rather than venture into the frenzy of fun. Hmmm. Can't you hear the wails of countless 10-year-olds, revolting with full force on the parents who made them endure airports, traffic and bad hotel food -- only to stand outside the gates of Disney World? The thought is preposterous.
Suffice to say, as any woman who has had an orgasm will admit, such intense sexual pleasure is an experience unlike any other.
Thank you, God. Kudos to You for a job well done in the area of creative design.
I know what many of you may be thinking. "Did He really do such a great job? If He did, why is it so difficult for me to come? What if I really want to experience orgasm and I'm not?!!?"
You are not alone. Many wives want sexual pleasure and for a variety of reasons, they are not climaxing.
Some of those reasons may be incredibly serious, like past sexual abuse, medical reasons, significant marriage struggles, etc. In such instances, I encourage professional resources for help.
For many women, though, the reasons for not climaxing are not rooted in deep problems. The below insights may give you an inkling of solution. That is what you want, right? You want to experience the intensity of orgasm? I hope so.
You need more foreplay.
There is a bit of truth in the generality that husbands tend to be "ready to go" at even the slightest hint of sexual opportunity. And by "ready to go" I mean their penis is already hard and they could engage in intercourse as soon as you both can get your clothes off (or even partially off).
For many women, though, foreplay is a bit more complex. It can take awhile to relax. And relaxation generally is what is conducive to sexual readiness. So, what turns you on? You're going to have to educate your man.
We need to let go of this idea that we can "assume" ourselves into hot sexual passion.
In other words, don't assume your husband will know what you need. And don't let him "assume" that you know what he needs. Talk. Talk about caressing. Talk about touching. Talk about words. Talk about what feels good on all parts of your body. Talk about acts of kindness. Get specific. Really, really specific.
The more you entertain this kind of dialogue, awkward as it may seem in the beginning, the more you are creating circumstances that will make climaxing more likely in your sexual intimacy.
Understand your own body.
The clitoris is fickle little organ. It is not quite as predictable as the penis. It doesn't always respond the way we think it should. For this reason, you as the woman really need to first understand your clitoris yourself before you can really be in any position to teach your husband how it "works," so to speak.
If you have never had an orgasm or you have difficulty climaxing, I encourage you on your own, while alone, with your fingers, to bring yourself to climax. I know some people gasp at that thought. For a Christian wife, it seems to fly in the face of modesty or it reinforces the lies we've been told about the genitals being dirty.
I'm keeping things real here, though. Do you really want anything, even your fears or insecurities, to prevent you from experiencing sexual pleasure with the man you love and married?
The clitoris often needs more stimulation than women or men realize. One of the best ways to determine the amount and type of stimulation is by stimulating yourself. Your goal, of course, is that what you learn you can then share with your husband, so that he too knows how to best touch you, caress you and help you enjoy sex.
Together you can try different positions, different ways to use your hands, your mouth and your entire body. For all we think we know about sex, there usually is still a lot more to learn.
It's true -- some orgasms you have to work very hard for. The hard work is in the vulnerability and authenticity only you and your husband can bring to your sexual intimacy.
My theory as to why climax does not come so easily for most women is that God desires that we go to great depths emotionally and relationally to experience sex as He designed it. If both a husband and a wife could always easily climax without genuine communication and effort, then I don't think sex would hold the significance it truly is.
Likewise, if it was extremely difficult for both genders to climax, I think we would possibly give up too easily. Instead, God has allowed for a situation that almost necessitates that a couple pour tremendous heart and effort into experiencing sexual pleasure. See, there's a method to His madness.
That's my theory at least. Would love your thoughts though. Do share. And retweet and share this post, okay? That's what it takes to shed light into dark lonely places.
Copyright 2010, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.