Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For

Posted on Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

Not all orgasms come easy.

No pun intended.  I'm being serious here, because one of the most common frustrations I hear from women -- one of the primary reasons they don't enjoy sex -- is that they are not climaxing.

What would things be like if thousands upon thousands of husbands rarely or never enjoyed the intensity of orgasm?  I doubt anyone, least of all the husbands, would be sitting idly by, just chalking it up to "Well, that's just the way things are."

And yet, this is exactly what many wives resign themselves to, as if orgasm is an ala carte item available only to men on the sexual intimacy menu.

Now, I'm not saying orgasm is everything. Certainly I too enjoy the emotional connection and oneness that sex affords.  Let's get real though. Orgasm may not be everything, but it is definitely a very strong something.

Sexual intimacy without orgasm is like driving all the way across the country to see the ocean, only to simply peer at it while standing in the asphalt parking lot.  Yuck.

Seriously, why come so far to not enjoy such intense pleasure (God-designed pleasure, I might add).  Sure, there's "joy in the journey," but we would be fooling ourselves if we try to argue there ain't a whole bunch of joy in the destination as well.

Just ask any kid if they would like to go to Disney World -- just to stand outside the front gates, rather than venture into the frenzy of fun.  Hmmm. Can't you hear the wails of countless 10-year-olds, revolting with full force on the parents who made them endure airports, traffic and bad hotel food  -- only to stand outside the gates of Disney World? The thought is preposterous.

Suffice to say, as any woman who has had an orgasm will admit, such intense sexual pleasure is an experience unlike any other.

Thank you, God. Kudos to You for a job well done in the area of creative design.

I know what many of you may be thinking. "Did He really do such a great job?  If He did, why is it so difficult for me to come?  What if I really want to experience orgasm and I'm  not?!!?" 

You are not alone.  Many wives want sexual pleasure and for a variety of reasons, they are not climaxing.

Some of those reasons may be incredibly serious, like past sexual abuse, medical reasons, significant marriage struggles, etc.  In such instances, I encourage professional resources for help.

For many women, though, the reasons for not climaxing are not rooted in deep problems.  The below insights may give you an inkling of solution.  That is what you want, right?  You want to experience the intensity of orgasm?  I hope so.

You need more foreplay.

There is a bit of truth in the generality that husbands tend to be "ready to go" at even the slightest hint of sexual opportunity.  And by "ready to go" I mean their penis is already hard and they could engage in intercourse as soon as you both can get your clothes off (or even partially off).

For many women, though, foreplay is a bit more complex.  It can take awhile to relax.  And relaxation generally is what is conducive to sexual readiness.  So, what turns you on?  You're going to have to educate your man.

We need to let go of this idea that we can "assume" ourselves into hot sexual passion.

In other words, don't assume your husband will know what you need.  And don't let him "assume" that you know what he needs.  Talk.  Talk about caressing.  Talk about touching.  Talk about words.  Talk about what feels good on all parts of your body. Talk about acts of kindness.  Get specific.  Really, really specific.

The more you entertain this kind of dialogue, awkward as it may seem in the beginning, the more you are creating circumstances that will make climaxing more likely in your sexual intimacy.

Understand your own body.

The clitoris is fickle little organ.  It is not quite as predictable as the penis.  It doesn't always respond the way we think it should.  For this reason, you as the woman really need to first understand your clitoris yourself before you can really be in any position to teach your husband how it "works," so to speak.

If you have never had an orgasm or you have difficulty climaxing, I encourage you on your own, while alone, with your fingers, to bring yourself to climax.  I know some people gasp at that thought.  For a Christian wife, it seems to fly in the face of modesty or it reinforces the lies we've been told about the genitals being dirty.

I'm keeping things real here, though.  Do you really want anything, even your fears or insecurities, to prevent you from experiencing sexual pleasure with the man you love and married?

The clitoris often needs more stimulation than women or men realize.  One of the best ways to determine the amount and type of stimulation is by stimulating yourself.  Your goal, of course, is that what you learn you can then share with your husband, so that he too knows how to best touch you, caress you and help you enjoy sex.

Together you can try different positions, different ways to use your hands, your mouth and your entire body.  For all we think we know about sex, there usually is still a lot more to learn.

It's true -- some orgasms you have to work very hard for.  The hard work is in the vulnerability and authenticity only you and your husband can bring to your sexual intimacy.

My theory as to why climax does not come so easily for most women is that God desires that we go to great depths emotionally and relationally to experience sex as He designed it.   If both a husband and a wife could always easily climax without genuine communication and effort, then I don't think sex would hold the significance it truly is.

Likewise, if it was extremely difficult for both genders to climax, I think we would possibly give up too easily.  Instead, God has allowed for a situation that almost necessitates that a couple pour tremendous heart and effort into experiencing sexual pleasure.   See, there's a method to His madness.

That's my theory at least.   Would love your thoughts though.  Do share.   And retweet and share this post, okay?  That's what it takes to shed light into dark lonely places.

Copyright 2010, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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23 Responses to
“Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For”

  • Tweets that mention Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For | Intimacy in Marriage -- Topsy.com says: November 9th, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Brent Mulberry, Julie Sibert. Julie Sibert said: Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For http://bit.ly/dwhUF5 [...]

  • Alisha says: November 12th, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Very good article. Very insightful...sniff sniff, SOB. It is a dark and lonely place, know what you need but not having anyone listen.

  • 28 weeks pregnant and feeling orgasms in my nipples when lactating? | Optimal Health Journey says: November 13th, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    [...] Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For | Intimacy in Marriage [...]

  • Is your bride’s faith slipping? says: November 14th, 2010 at 1:05 am

    [...] Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For: Thank you Julie for posting on a very important sexual subject that goes unmentioned too often. If your bride’s lack of orgasm is not as much a concern to you as it would be if you failed to climax, something is wrong! [...]

  • Is your bride’s faith slipping? says: November 14th, 2010 at 2:06 am

    [...] Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For: Thank you Julie for posting on a very important sexual subject that goes unmentioned too often. If your bride’s lack of orgasm is not as much a concern to you as it would be if you failed to climax, something is wrong! [...]

  • Jenn says: November 15th, 2010 at 5:01 am

    I very much appreciate your article. I found your blog listed on another site and decided to check it out. I find it refreshing and encouraging that a Christian woman is talking openly about God honoring sexual intimacy in the marriage! Thank you for your openness and insight! Keep up the wonderful work.

  • Amy says: November 16th, 2010 at 12:15 am

    As a wife who RARELY goes without an orgasm, I am saddened that so many are living without. My husband is such a great guy. HE actually can stimulate me better than I can. The one thing I disagree with is that you should try stimulating yourself with your husband, without him expecting anything, just watching. But as I've said, he knows me better than I know myself, and that's the key. Also, an unselfish husband (one who wants you to have an orgasm before he has one) is a good idea too!

  • K says: November 21st, 2010 at 12:44 am

    I appreciate the encouragement. I get tired of never having one and then I just assume that's the way it has to be. My husband is really great and he wants it for me more than I want it. (He's the one who found this blog.) I found this comment interesting, "Instead, God has allowed for a situation that almost necessitates that a couple pour tremendous heart and effort into experiencing sexual pleasure."

  • Cyndi says: December 11th, 2010 at 12:22 am

    I just don't understand why it has to be difficult for the female in this department.. Why not make it easier for females to come and harder for males?? It's not like they have to give birth to a child

  • cj says: December 30th, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Wow, Julie! I love this blog... I just found it today and just have to reply.
    The WHOLE post hit home, but particularly for me was this part:

    "My theory as to why climax does not come so easily for most women is that God desires that we go to great depths emotionally and relationally to experience sex as He designed it. If both a husband and a wife could always easily climax without genuine communication and effort, then I don’t think sex would hold the significance it truly is. Likewise, if it was extremely difficult for both genders to climax, I think we would possibly give up too easily. Instead, God has allowed for a situation that almost necessitates that a couple pour tremendous heart and effort into experiencing sexual pleasure. See, there’s a method to His madness."

    It seems to me that, since so much of the Christian life is like that -- that is, to be an effort of our will to focus on Him and His kingdom -- that sex must be no different.

    Now perhaps this will help others: When I realized how much I desired to turn around my marital intimacy (and whole life) and focus it on God (and that God wanted that, too!), I simply asked Him to do it. I asked Him as one with no power to change my wife's desire for me. Sometimes I felt that He heard me and that everything would be alright; sometimes it felt like He was an "unloving father" and it was something that He wouldn't give. Eventually through struggles and daily prayers for this and other things, I, through tears and great emotional pain, agreed that whatever He wanted is want I want. And now, after six months of walking with Him strongly (and very imperfectly, I might add), she and I are growing much closer. Our intimacy is much better.
    Six months ago, I was demanding sex. She was refusing. We fought. Then I pulled back and "gave it to God." Now, she is much more receptive and seems to understand -- seeming to me that this is wisdom from God, even the Holy Spirit prompting her -- how important our intimate times, our own emotional connectedness is.
    We've got further to go, to be sure, but the Lord has brought us far. And so I know, in faith, that more blessing is to come!
    So please pray (ask) our Father for what you need!

    Julie, thank you for your ministry.

  • Renae W. says: January 11th, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I love your site, mainly because it validates me as a sexual being even though I am a Christian wife. My husband loves that fact, mind you, but I struggle with the feeling that I shouldn't be as sexual with him as I am. I love how you aren't afraid to tackle certain topics, such as masturbation & oral sex. This site is VERY empowering to Christian wives as well as husbands, and I thank you for it! God bless!

  • JulieSibert says: January 11th, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Thank you Renae for the comment... I think one of the biggest barriers we as Christian wives have to wrestle with is embracing our sexuality -- appreciating it, nurturing it, and expressing it fully within the safety and exclusivity of our marriage. This truly is what God desires for married couples.

    Thanks too for your affirmation about the site... please point others to the site so we can continue to shed healthy light in this area of sexual intimacy.

    Blessigns!

  • kat4life says: February 6th, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    I appreciate you having the courage to blog about these topics, but I have to say I cannot believe you are actually encouraging women to stimulate themselves. This is mortal sin for God did not intend our sexual intimacy to only involve ONE person. This could & does lead people down a slippery slope. Turning to ONESELF (& then maybe porn, on so on) for pleasure. I read your pornography love letter in which you wrote well. (It kind of is in tune with The Loser Letters by Mary Eberstadt - where she tackles many Christian truths with satire).
    Anyhoo - just putting it out there as I would ENCOURAGE you to seek further truth on some of this subject matter. In all honesty I would encourage you to expand your studies and look at things from a Catholic perspective so you can be FURTHER informed from various "directions". Peace in Christ!

  • JulieSibert says: February 7th, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Thanks Kat4life for the comment! I think this is an area where we will have to agree to disagree. I am encouraging women to stimulate themselves -- under the right circumstances and with a goal of better understanding their bodies so they can then help their husbands understand. I don't believe this is a mortal sin. I recognize completely that self pleasuring is a point of disagreement among Christians. As with anything, I do seek truth through God's Word and through prayer, and I don't arrive at the interpretation that masturbation is wrong.

    However, as liberal a viewpoint as that may sound, I actually do not have a "free for all" approach to self pleasure. I'm going to address that in a future blog posting, because I definitely agree that in some circumstances, the "slippery slope" to which you refer does exist. But to say it exists for all people in all circumstances is a bit of a stretch.

    To use another example, there are some Christians who believe drinking alcohol is wrong; and there are some Christians who believe it is not wrong. Both argue their cases from a Biblical standpoint... different interpretations of scripture, of course. Those against may even say that taking one drink of alcohol can take people down a slippery slope. And yet, there are many people out there who have an occasional alcoholic drink and do not go down any slippery slopes at all.

    Anyway, I do appreciate your comment! I love this kind of dialogue. Obviously, there are many points of faith and scripture interpretation upon which Christians disagree. That's part of our journey of faith! Have a blessed day!

  • Your Orgasm Is Your Responsibility (Mostly) | Intimacy in Marriage says: July 12th, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    [...] back, I wrote a post explaining that some orgasms you have to work very hard for. That post has additional helpful [...]

  • Search for the Missing Big O | One Flesh Marriage says: August 19th, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    [...] will recognize Julie from Intimacy in Marriage.  A while back Julie wrote a post entitled, “Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For” while it is directed to women it is one post that every husband should read!  In this post [...]

  • Purpose of Orgasm? You Tell Me. | Intimacy in Marriage says: March 20th, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    [...] Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For [...]

  • Are You Afraid of Sexual Pleasure? | Intimacy in Marriage says: October 1st, 2012 at 12:26 am

    [...] Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For [...]

  • Working on it and still need help says: December 13th, 2012 at 12:38 am

    Thank u for this wonderful article and blog. I believe it help many wives to understand they are not alone regarding a sensitive issue like this. Me and my husband are happily married for 4 years and an active sex life too. We both enjoy each others company and he is reaching there ( i am not sure thinking so)and me left behind. After an year of marriage i felt that it is not in me becoz everywhere it is said that "that is something amazing in this act " and I never felt it like that way.
    But 2 or 3 times i felt reaching somewhere near to that and once i think I reached. but it is always when he do the oral. he is very kind to do that for me and he dont mind to spend much time down there. but I feel guilty during that time becoz the whole act is for me and not for him.And I never reached there during our intercourse. Do you think I have any serious problems or can I reach der with some help. I used some breathing techniques but never worked. And I want to know that what it would be like and how you know you reached there or how I can ask him whether he is hitting the right point coz I am afraid if he will ask me in return then I dont know to explain my situation without hurting him.( coz he s a person who want me to see der). Thank u once again for all u r doing.

  • 5 Reasons "Faking It" Is Hurting Your Relationship | Intimacy in Marriage says: April 3rd, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    [...] climaxing, you are missing out on one of the best parts of sex.  For more about that, read my post Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For.  The only purpose of the clitoris is orgasm.  I'm just [...]

  • Newly wed says: July 26th, 2013 at 12:16 am

    Thank you for the post. I have been married for over a year with no orgasm. I've gotten close but no O. Trying not to bruise my husbands ego has stood in the way of a happy sex life. Just going along ready or not is ignorance. While I don't want to abstain from sex getting my husband to meet me emotionally and physically in a place we can both enjoy is a challenge that I've needed encouragement to face. I've tried and tried. This website has given me ideas for new approaches.

  • Under Pretties says: September 7th, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    [...] Reality of a One Sided Journey The Confident Mom: What’s Your Rhythm? Intimacy In Marriage: Some Orgasms You Have to Work Very Hard For The Dating Divas: Family Fun: Candid [...]

  • amy says: October 14th, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    This topic brings me to tears often. 7 years of Christian marriage and I'll climax 1 out of 25+ Times of intimacy. He is resistant to looking for medical help for dysfunction. I am emotionally disconnected from him and even though I've never refused him, my needs are never e r as important as his pride. I've given him a list of what I like, nothing out of the ordinary, pressure in a kiss or a touch but he won't listen. I've been secretly crying after for 7 years. I can't even begin to believe God created this to be enjoyable.

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