The two of you certainly have had a lot of stress. I know counseling probably seems like a time-consuming and/or expensive option, but sometimes it can be incredibly helpful to have an objective voice offering insights. Would your wife be open to visiting a counselor together (or a pastor?)

If not counseling, would she be open to the two of you working through a book together…a book specifically on sexual intimacy?

I don’t think you are in the wrong to want to have sex more often with your wife.

just need to share and make sure I am not in the wrong.

I have been with my wife now for 5 years and have 11 month old baby and a 8 year old adopted step son. We both are in our early 30′s.

So this is my story, my wife wanted to go to nurse school very bad because she thought she would like being a nurse and it would be a big pay advancement for her. So she ended up going to school for 2 years and not work during this time. I was supporting the family and it was very stressful for both of us. At that time her reason for not making love was the stress of not having money and school. I get that so I understood and maybe in those 2 years we make love 20 times. She also told me once she got out of school I could by my dream car as a thank you for putting her through school.

Well she graduated and got a job and I got my car. Then the love making did not improve because the new job was stressful. I understood cause I have been there with a stressful new job.

she tells me that she want me to go back to school since I never had that opportunity, she wants to provide that for me. So I become the stay at home dad and go back to school. Now the love making does not happen because she is too stressed supporting the family and work is stressful.

Don’t get me wrong throughout our whole relationship we make love maybe 8 to 10 times a year. In the beginning we made love every day for the first 3 or 4 months.

She then about six month into her job and at the end of my first semester said I can not do this job any more it is too stressful and I want to be a stay at home mom. (First time ever I knew she wanted this, it would have been nice to know this in the begining)

So I start looking for a job and find a consulting job that can just support us. So she quits her job and I quit school and go back to work.

She then starts telling me ALL the stuff I do and have done wrong. I am sure some of the things I have been have been stupid but I think there is a better way of going about it.

I then get a call for a great job opportunity about 2 hours from my house. The job pays good but the travel expensive is going to be allot each day. So I ask her if she will work one day I week so I can make the drive that way I don’t miss out on my 11 month olds life too much.

The response I get is well you put us in this mess by spending money on buying your car when we did not have it and spending money on other things. She then says no, you figure it out and if you have to work a second job or stay with friend at your new job then that what you have to do.

So I end up selling my car and getting a very fuel efficient car to make the drive cheaper.

I feel taken advantage of. It crazy to think all it would take is to make love to me a couple time a month to make me feel better about the sacrifice I am making for her to stay at home.

So after reading this blog I try and try and talk to her. Did not go so well. I tell her that all she has been doing is telling me all the stuff I did wrong as a stay at home dad. (She is better at it than me but she does not have to tell me how bad I sucked) So the last two weeks have been telling me every day all the stuff I do and have done wrong. I wish she would just cut me some slack. I do the best I know how!
I then explain to her that love making is really important and is what makes me feel close to her. She tells me she is just so tired and worn out by the end of the day. See like no matter what there is a reason why she can’t. Then right before bed she tells me it is really sad that I need love making to feel close to her and not the other stuff she does for me.

It just sucks I am going to be driving 2 hours each way to work making for 12 hour days getting home at 7pm and my wife still can’t find the time to make love to me. Very sad right now.

One last thing. The one guy hit the nail on the head about the bakery. My wife will get naked at night before bed and walk around while getting ready for bed. She also does this in the a.m while getting ready. It like a knife to the heart every time. She also says to me this morning thanks for the snug this morning it was nice. She always want me to spoon her every night. It the give me what I need cause it must be what you need type thing. Because in her mind it is dumb and crazy that I need to make love to her to feel close. Snugging should be good enough cause it is for her.

I don’t get it because when we do make love she enjoys it as much if not more than me.

I have gotten to the point were I don’t want to hold her in bed at night cause it is hurt full. Why would I want to hold my wife in her underwear of all thing and not be able to make love to her.

I would be more than willing to dialogue with your wife…certainly not in a judging way, but simply as another wife who is a good listener and may have some insights to offer. In my experience, though, most wives who are withholding sex from their husbands are not overly interested in talking with me.

As for her lack of interest, there could be a number of reasons. Is she on the pill? (the hormones can kill sex drive, sadly). Is she experiencing orgasm? Does she have unresolved issues from her past? Is she depressed? Would she say there are unresolved issues in your marriage? Are you able to have fun outside of sex (meaning, do you enjoy a good friendship, spend time together, enjoy each other’s company, etc. … a nurtured companionship can help increase a sense of endearment to one another, which obviously can help in the area of sex).

There are a variety of reasons why women are not interested in sex. One thing you may consider is writing her a letter. Sometimes a different form of communication can get through. In my experience, so many women often don’t understand the significance of sex to their husbands…they don’t understand how the safety and affirmation and love they experience with their wives sexually is what gives them courage and strength to (as author Shaunti Feldhahn says)… go out in the world and “slay dragons.”

A letter can be a good way to really get all your feelings on paper, and at the same time express in a positive way what you envision for the two of you in your marriage…that you want things to look different because you love her and want to build a life together that truly is a reflection of love and commitment. You don’t just want it for the two of you, but also so that your children grow with a positive sense of what marriage should be. A letter can be a springboard into more verbal dialogue — that’s the hope at least.

Wow. Ages 28 and 29. Way too young to have your intimacy so strained. (Actually, any age is way too young in my opinion).

Thank you again for your comments on the blog.

As a christian, I need to love my wife and be understanding no matter what and put her needs before mine. I don’t disagree which is why I still try to be romantic. but her lack of sexual desire for me has made romance more of a chore and at times, more of a taunting torture, than the pleasing pursuit it was meant to be.

I have been told to pursue my wife non sexually.

NO.

Sex is a major goal of marriage. It IS why we got married. It isn’t the ONLY why, but it is at the same level as the friendship that we share.

I’m not interested in a marriage without sex and I’m not interested in a marriage without friendship.

A helpful lens to look through is that one of the best gifts you can give your kids is a healthy marriage…one where your children see that the marriage is the foundation of the family and is of great importance. This path not only gives kids security, it also equips them to be able to emulate such commitment and prioirty setting in their own marriage someday.

I feel for both of your situations. Sex is such a vital part of marriage, so when it falls by the wayside, the effects can be so painful.

Thank you for the words of wisdom. Like I said before, I know what we need to do, it is just a matter of putting forth the effort (on both our parts) to make the necessary changes. A lot of our issues are “me”, but he is not perfect either. I think a lot has changed with us since our second child was born, and it feels like we are both being pulled in 100 different directions. We need to make our time a priority. I realize this is not going to happen over night and it is going to take dedication and determination. This past year has been one of the best years of my life, yet one of the worst at the same time. We welcomed our second son, but my husband and I seem to have fallen apart. I am not happy, and I know he can’t be happy with the way things are either. I do not want to wake up 20 years from now and regret changes I did not make, and still be miserable in our marriage, or worse. Thank you again for the encouragement. Best of luck to you!

Thanks for the kind words. No, my wife doesn’t have OCD or any other medical condition, past sexual abuse or similar issues. Our kids are teenagers (which means it’s difficult for us to have intimate time until later in the evening.)

Here’s some free advice (it’s probably worth what you paid for it). On behalf of your husband (and for the sake of the long term of your marriage), I BEG YOU to make time for your husband.

Part of my current predicament is that during the time when our kids were younger, my wife spent most of her energy/time/focus/creativity on our kids. I was much less a priority. Not having much of a parenting role model (my mom passed away when I was 18 and I lost my dad – from an emotional/support connection at the same time) – I knew that it was important for the kids to be supported. Unfortunately, our special time suffered for it.

Next month, we will be married 25 years. For the first 20 years, I was the only one to initiate any physical activity. I was oftentimes rejected or sometimes didn’t even try knowing how worn out she was with the kids. If you read Landschooner’s entry above, you’ll get a glimpse of what I mean. (yes, my wife thinks our marriage is wonderful and I’m her best friend and life is happy too). Again, I made the HUGE mistake of not speaking up. And now I don’t know how to get out of this boat. She is in the “habit” of zoning out in the evening.

At the height of my frustration 5 years ago, we talked about the lack of focus on “us”. I absolutely CRAVED attention. At that point, I told her that from now on, she can decide when/where/how to be intimate. I was tired of the rejection and promised that I would be “ready and willing” ANY TIME/ANY PLACE she was ready. If she wanted to have sex, I would be up for it but my ego just couldn’t take any more rejection. I didn’t know what else to do

In retrospect, that was probably also a mistake. I put her into a situation that she just can’t be successful in. She doesn’t invest any time in getting creative and life is pretty routine/boring. From a sexual relationship side. we do make love more often than before (still not as much as I would like) but it is ABSOLUTELY very predictable. Touch here, stroke there, nibble this, insert -same old sequence, same old thing. I’ve tried to give her books to read, encouraged her with sighs and moans, giving positive feedback if there is ANYTHING new, etc.

From the very beginning, I have been quite a romantic. I remember and celebrate the day we met, the typical holidays (valentines, sweetest,), our anniversaries and even the 7,000th day of our marriage (and goofy days like that – just to celebrate). My favorite was the day on which I have known her longer than the number of days of my life that I had not known her. In January for our 24 and 1/2 year anniversary, I decorated her car with a “Just Married – 24 1/2 years” sign, decorated the house with signs and streamers. Prepared the dining room with candles, soft music and the good china. Cooked a fancy dinner of Cornish Hens with all the trimmings and a chocolate fondue for dessert. She routinely gets flowers, cards with handwritten notes, little gifts etc. She’s my wife. She gets my best.

But from my side, I hardly feel “cherished”. For our 25th Anniversary, I wanted to have a big party, renew our vows and really celebrate. She didn’t want to be the center of attention like a wedding reception. Guess what we’re doing? I’m not sure, but it won’t be a party – maybe we could go out to dinner – yippee.

Anyway – I’m not going anywhere. We’re mates. We’re together for life (part of the better or worse stuff). Who knows, maybe I’ll end up a burden to her in our old age.

At any rate, Chrystal – I once heard an older woman tell a younger wife about the same topic, “Remember, you were a couple before the kids and you’ll be a couple long after the kids grow up. Don’t ever forget your other half!”. I would respectfully ask that you make him a priority now – don’t let the next 20 years go by like this.

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!