No Time For Sex. I Get It.
Posted on Friday, June 4th, 2010
When I hear comments from women that they “have no time or energy for sex”… I get it. I hear what you are saying.
Your responsibilities and details are overflowing at Niagara Falls rate. You’re the wife and the mom and the keeper of all the info that everyone needs but doesn’t seem to have the forethought to manage themselves… like that it takes a minute and a half to pop the microwave popcorn, or that the extra syrup is kept in the back of the pantry, or that there are certain articles of clothing that absolutely can’t be dried.
You are the one who makes sure everything has its license. The dog. The cars. The teenage driver.
You know what to put in the party bags for the gradeschooler’s little shindig on his 7th birthday. You know that you can’t send snacks to school with any peanut products. You are the one who is thinking about summer camp registration in April. You make all the appointments… dentists, doctors, mammograms, Algebra tutoring. You plan most or all the dates with your husband (if there are any dates).
You manage the leftovers. And the calendar. You coordinate a million different details at work (whether you work outside the home or in it or both). You know what size bag the vacuum cleaner takes. You know how to stretch a pound of hamburger into a meal for 5. You’ve potty-trained toddlers and puppies. You always manage to find the athletic cup for which the 10-year-old has looked “everywhere,” but can’t seem to find on his own.
You are a competent, capable, beautiful woman…in more ways than you receive even passing acknowledgement for.
And at the end of the day… after all this… your husband wants to have sex. And you think, “I’ve got nothing left to give. I don’t even have anything in me to want to desire sex, let alone actually participate in it.” Even if you have experienced orgasm…really great orgasm… even that isn’t enough incentive on many nights. You try to offer him some microwave popcorn. He wants more than popcorn. He wants sex. He wants it with you. And he wants it often.
Is this you? Do you feel this way? I don’t make light of it, because hey I’m all about wanting you to feel less alone, not more alone. I still arrive at this place, though… that sex in marrriage is not “optional.” It’s not simply an item on a smorgasbord of relational components that you can easily pass by, like skipping the cashew chicken at the Chinese buffet. (”I’ll take a lot of my pillow please. No thanks on a naked husband laying next to me. Maybe next time).
So your reality is telling you that you have no time or energy for sex. But your gut is telling you that you can’t keep operating in that mode. What are your solutions? How do we find more energy and time (or re-position our daily life) so that intimacy isn’t always getting nixed? (I don’t have to do a lengthy study. I know it’s getting nixed in a lot of households on a lot of nights).
I have a long list of ideas for finding more energy and time. But I want to hear your heart first. Email me at julie@intimacyinmarriage.com or comment on this post. No time for sex? I get it. How do you feel?
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I think you have to be willing to not always have sex be a big production. Sometimes a brief intimate coupling is better than putting it off until you have time the energy for an hours-long, multi-orgasmic extravaganza. Quickies are like fast food. You wouldn’t want to live on it alone, but once in a while it’s OK to grab some to stave off your hunger.
To many, I would typify the kind of woman who doesn’t have time for sex. I have four kids, aged five and younger. Am breastfeeding through the night. Homeschooling the oldest two. Managing a house and the home-based business books. Etc.
However, long ago I realised that I had to notice when we had sex and correct it when we didn’t. So I keep a small calendar at my desk and make a little mark on each day we make love. So when I’m sitting at my computer, I notice the days ticking by and if we’ve had a two-day hiatus.
Simply by keeping track, I’ve been able to initiate it more often. And then I try to build on my previous month’s number to increase the frequency.
When I first started this method, my libido was so low we could have gone without sex for months and I wouldn’t have minded. But since we’ve increased the frequency, my libido has improved. So if you have a low libido, my advice would be — have sex until your libido picks up too!
I also agree with the fast-sex idea. Sometimes I just go in when I notice he’s in the shower, locking the door after me. Other times we take a break in the middle of the day to “talk” in the bedroom. Fast suits me, and frequent suits him.
There are other times for long love-making, but not when you have littlies in the house, ready to throttle each other or when you’re exhausted at night.
And practice saying “yes”. Even in the middle of the night. Even when you’ve been up several times to all the kids (and the dog). Try it. You’ll feel better for it in the morning!
THank you Scott and Lauren for your comments…very good insights! I agree wholeheartedly that all sexual encounters are not the same…sometimes quick is just fine. I had a gal say to me once, “It can’t be 5-star restaurant every night. Sometimes McDonald’s is just as satisfying.” I agree with what you’re saying too Lauren (thank you by the way for being so honest and open about your circumstances… a lot of women can relate). The more you have sex the more your libido will likely increase! Thanks!
My wife always has a legitimate excuse. For almost 19 years legitimate excuses. Ultimately, she puts on her list what she wants on her list. Its all good stuff. She would even say that sex is a good thing. It just never makes her list.
Helping more around the house? : ) I actually do. Probably used to more before than now. This just makes room for items #11 and #12. It doesn’t put sex, #23, anywhere in range. And the list starts anew every day.
Ultimately it really is a matter of priorities. Bottom line, my wife doesn’t desire me. She says she does but what do I care for words? Words are air that comes out of her mouth. What she DOES says “I don’t desire YOU, and even though you’ve told me many times how rejected you feel, I don’t love you enough to make your needs a priority and besides, I haven’t been on FaceBook in three hours. Never mind we haven’t had sex in three weeks.”
She never forgets date night though. Even calls me at work to remind me almost every week. Date nights NEVER ends in sex. She loves them though. Loves the time we spend just chatting and chatting and walking arm in arm through the shops. having ice Cream at Cold Stone and walking through the bookstores. On occasion I used to suggest stopping by a motel – the answer has never even once been yes. That would interrupt our date. ( I haven’t suggested that in 3 years and only did perhaps quarterly.)
LS
I feel like I can finally exhale! I am going through this and it’s so hard! I too have four boys, and I am the “house-manager”. My husband has gone from being angry to simply adapting to the lack of sex in our relationship. I love being intimate with him, however between his work week and the kids I feel as if there is not enough time in the day. I already feel as if I am running myself thin, but I want to have that intimate moment with him… I don’t know what to do. Please help my marriage is struggling. Even I find time to spend with him, he feels as if I am only doing it b/c he is upset. I wish he knew how I felt. I don’t have any friends, i have no one to talk to about this. Any advice would be amazing.
Hi Missy,
I don’t know if you guys are regular church attenders, but at least for Christians, church is a good place to find good supportive friends. Not every church is a good fit though. Even a great bible teaching church may not have folks in it that are a good fit for your family. Its OK to shop around amongst good churches for one that serves your family needs best and that you can serve in as well.
Years ago we had a family member who was widowed. Eventually she wanted to remarry but there weren’t many available men in the singles group at our church. She went to another church (also a good church) where there was a thriving singles group and found her current husband. What better place to look for a husband than church? It’s not WHY she went to church, but it why she picked THAT church amongst the choices of good churches. They still attend there all these years later and are very active. I know some areas don’t have many church choices while others have tons, but if you do have choices, I’d encourage you to look around. Churches with active kids ministries tend to have lots of Moms with kids that you can make friends with.
Blessings to you.
LS
Intimacy in Marriage » Blog Archive » No Time for Your Husband? A Message for Work-at-Home Moms says: August 24th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
[...] But relegating intimacy to the far corners of your relationship isn’t a wise option either! Anyway, I hope the post encourages you. This one might as well (We Can’t Have Sex Because The House Isn’t Clean), and this one too (No Time For Sex. I Get It.) [...]