You Are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity
Posted on Monday, May 17th, 2010
So you weren’t a virgin when you arrived at the altar? Really. That makes you similar at least in one way to…uhhh…. just about every other Christian (okay, I didn’t do a scientific poll. I’m just going off many conversations I’ve had with many Christians, as well as a tad bit of street sense).
And maybe you weren’t just “not a virgin.” Maybe you were very promiscuous in days gone by. Can’t remember the names of guys you slept with? Can remember a few indiscretions you partook in during a drunken state? Found that your sexual power gave you… well… power?
Maybe you were allured by the promise of romance and “happily ever after” with your (fill in blank…high school boyfriend, college boyfriend, roommate’s handsome older brother). So you gave yourself up to him…and maybe to many more after him when you realized he wasn’t the “one.” Or maybe the promiscuity happened all with the man who eventually became your groom.
Now, here you are… a married woman who possibly is experiencing less-than-fulfilling sexual intimacy with her husband. You wonder — sometimes briefly, sometimes indefinitely — if that disappointing aspect of your marriage is your punishment for your promiscuous past. Do you ever wonder that?
Here is a resounding TRUTH to embrace instead: Your sexual sin is not beyond the reach of Jesus’ blood-stained hands. Wherever we got this idea that sexual sin is unforgiveable or at the minimum is “worse” than other sin, I am not sure. I have some theories, most rooted in the fact that Satan knows that sex is one of God’s most precious gifts. Satan is the ultimate liar and manipulator, so suffice it to say it is in his best interest to do all he can to sabotage our right image of sex. But I digress. You can read my meandering thoughts on that here.
I’m not going to go all Jesus freak on you (even though I do love the Savior. He rocks.) I just am another wife wanting to pour some compassion and truth and hope into your life.
Whatever you did in the past… all the crazy sexual favors you maybe performed or compromising positions (literally and figuratively) that you found yourself in… GOD KNOWS. That is reassuring. Because what He wants you to also know is that He offers His freedom. The weight of those sins no longer has to rob you or fill your head with dilussional tapes that “my sex life sucks because I was a very bad girl long ago.”
God says “come to me” with your repentent heart and I will free you. True repentance is simply acknowledging what I imagine you already acknowledge…that your heart is grieved that you were careless with His precious gift of sex. (1 John 1:9)
I am not saying that fully walking in His gift of forgiveness is a quick fix to all that ails your sexual intimacy. I’m just saying that accepting His forgiveness…especially for what you feel are really nasty sins…helps us gain perspective. We can find comfort where we otherwise had wallowed in condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
Do you believe you are being punished for your past promiscuity? After reading this post, do you have a different take on that false tape? I welcome your comments, your heart and your insights.
Related posts:
- It’s Reigning. It’s Pooring.
- Sex in the “Post Skinny Jeans” Era
- Who’s In Charge of Your Sex Life?
- 5 Things I Learned from My Failed Marriage
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Tweets that mention Intimacy in Marriage » Blog Archive » You Are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity -- Topsy.com says: May 17th, 2010 at 10:51 am
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Julie Sibert. Julie Sibert said: You Are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity http://bit.ly/bFWxm7 [...]
Julie,
I’d like to hear you talk about the ways we punish ourselves, and/or our spouse, for past sexual sins. How do we stop, and how can we help our spouse to stop?
Paul
I won’t kill them, but neither will I protect them. says: May 23rd, 2010 at 12:07 am
[...] You Are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity: Julie over at Intimacy in Marriage has a very good post about past sexual sin. Read and apply as needed, and ask your bride to do the same. Oh, and be sure that you are not punishing yourself of your bride for past sexual sins. [...]
Two or Three Gathered | Daily Generous Wife Tips says: May 23rd, 2010 at 4:31 am
[...] You Are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity a great article by Julie of Intimacy in Marriage The Marry Bloggers 5 Must Read Marriage Books for Your Summer Reading List What 39 Years Have Taught Me About Life and Marriage by Corey of Simple Marriage [...]
Thank you for writing this. Seriously. I feel like I just breathed in pure oxygen. =)
Paul Byerly…thanks for your question. How do we punish ourselves or punish our spouse for past sexual sin? While each circumstance is different, I think a few things come to mind… punishment may mean we refuse to allow ourselves to enjoy sex; it may look like martyrdom…a woe is me attitude that screams “this is my lot in life;” etc. As for punishing our spouse, the most obvious one would be withholding sex, but there also is… constantly reminding our spouse of their past sexual sin, constantly asking about the circumstances of that sin long after there has been healthy resolution about it, refusing to extend forgiveness, etc. If the past sexual sin involves infidelity, I’m not saying this is an easy path to walk. But there are couples who have done it… it is not impossible. But if we hold on to grudges, we are more apt to punish. Plain and simple, when we are punishing ourselves or our spouse for past sexual sin, we are not on a path toward oneness.
Intimacy in Marriage » Blog Archive » Are You Punishing Yourself or Your Spouse for Past Promiscuity? says: June 1st, 2010 at 11:38 am
[...] on Tuesday, June 1st, 2010 Recently I wrote a post about how You Are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity. The gist of that post was that sexual sin is not beyond the reach of God and that if you think [...]
Intimacy in Marriage » Blog Archive » Sex and the Soul of a Woman says: June 11th, 2010 at 11:35 am
[...] on Friday, June 11th, 2010 Recently I wrote a few posts on promiscuity — You Are Not Being Punished for Your Past Promiscuity and Are You Punishing Yourself or Your Spouse for Past [...]
3 Ways To Turn Around a Sexual Slump | Intimacy in Marriage says: April 16th, 2011 at 1:50 pm
[...] with thinking God can’t forgive you for past promiscuity, read what I have to say about that here. Your past sexual sin is not beyond the reach of Jesus. And it does not have to be an [...]
Modesty is Destroying Your Sexual Intimacy | Intimacy in Marriage says: May 26th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
[...] truth is that you are now married and you are not being punished for your past promiscuity. Sex is a privilege, meant for married couples to thoroughly explore, nurture and enjoy. To [...]
Your Orgasm Is Your Responsibility (Mostly) | Intimacy in Marriage says: July 12th, 2011 at 1:15 pm
[...] pain from past sexual abuse, shame about previous relationships, skewed theology about sex handed down from relatives or the church, modesty or any of a number of [...]
Thank you. I have been in prayer overdrive. I have been parked at your page just reading and feeling a burden lifted. THANK YOU!! I am trying to heal from my husband’s infidelity and I just don’t think I can do it alone. Even if we part at some point, I am giving it my best effort and I know I need God in my corner to be strong.
I am trying to be forgiving and faithful but I am hurt so deeply. I see God’s light at the end of tunnel since I found your site. THANK YOU.