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So you weren't a virgin when you arrived at the altar? Really. That makes you similar at least in one way to...uhhh.... just about every other Christian (okay, I didn't do a scientific poll. I'm just going off many conversations I've had with many Christians, as well as a tad bit of street sense).
And maybe you weren't just "not a virgin." Maybe you were very promiscuous in days gone by. Can't remember the names of guys you slept with? Can remember a few indiscretions you partook in during a drunken state? Found that your sexual power gave you... well... power?
Maybe you were allured by the promise of romance and "happily ever after" with your (fill in blank...high school boyfriend, college boyfriend, roommate's handsome older brother). So you gave yourself up to him...and maybe to many more after him when you realized he wasn't the "one." Or maybe the promiscuity happened all with the man who eventually became your groom.
Now, here you are... a married woman who possibly is experiencing less-than-fulfilling sexual intimacy with her husband. You wonder -- sometimes briefly, sometimes indefinitely -- if that disappointing aspect of your marriage is your punishment for your promiscuous past. Do you ever wonder that?
Here is a resounding TRUTH to embrace instead: Your sexual sin is not beyond the reach of Jesus' blood-stained hands. Wherever we got this idea that sexual sin is unforgiveable or at the minimum is "worse" than other sin, I am not sure. I have some theories, most rooted in the fact that Satan knows that sex is one of God's most precious gifts. Satan is the ultimate liar and manipulator, so suffice it to say it is in his best interest to do all he can to sabotage our right image of sex. But I digress. You can read my meandering thoughts on that here.
I'm not going to go all Jesus freak on you (even though I do love the Savior. He rocks.) I just am another wife wanting to pour some compassion and truth and hope into your life.
Whatever you did in the past... all the crazy sexual favors you maybe performed or compromising positions (literally and figuratively) that you found yourself in... GOD KNOWS. That is reassuring. Because what He wants you to also know is that He offers His freedom. The weight of those sins no longer has to rob you or fill your head with dilussional tapes that "my sex life sucks because I was a very bad girl long ago."
God says "come to me" with your repentent heart and I will free you. True repentance is simply acknowledging what I imagine you already acknowledge...that your heart is grieved that you were careless with His precious gift of sex. (1 John 1:9)
I am not saying that fully walking in His gift of forgiveness is a quick fix to all that ails your sexual intimacy. I'm just saying that accepting His forgiveness...especially for what you feel are really nasty sins...helps us gain perspective. We can find comfort where we otherwise had wallowed in condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
Do you believe you are being punished for your past promiscuity? After reading this post, do you have a different take on that false tape? I welcome your comments, your heart and your insights.