Comments on: Are You Making Cupcakes Instead of Making Love?

By: 5 Reasons "Faking It" Is Hurting Your Relationship | Intimacy in Marriage

5 Reasons "Faking It" Is Hurting Your Relationship | Intimacy in Marriage — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 05:46:33 +0000

[...] I just get this over with pretty quick, I can still get a load of laundry in and cupcakes made for tomorrow’s classroom party. Hmmm. How can I get this over with pretty quick?! I know!” Thus the “fake” [...]

By: Dan

Dan — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:21:23 +0000

Alan – I guess I’m just caught up in the catch 22 of how do I “inspire” her to be interested in us while I recognize the only person I can truly change is ME.

I do see her trying a little on the intimate/sex side. But her “activity” is much less focused than mine. Maybe a better way to say that is that I’ve been kicked up a few notches and she is still at a lower level.

REALLY hard to be patient with this. I feel a bit unequally yoked on this critical part of our relationship.

I don’t have much advice for you other than to keep loving her. I pray that both of our wives will be shown how important this connection is to their husbands.

By: Alan

Alan — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 12:21:39 +0000

Dan, all I can say is that I fell your pain brother. Same situation here, albeit without the covenant part unfortunately. My wife has never felt the marriage comes first, and will argue that point even. I’ll be shocked if we get to 25 years frankly (18 now) – it’s hard to work on issues (or just have fun) when the relationship has been delegated to last place priority. I hope things get better for you two.

By: Dan

Dan — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 13:40:22 +0000

I’m a guy – OF COURSE I’m looking for easy answers

Seriously, thanks for the suggestion of writing a letter. I’m not sure how she would view it. In general, her response to other similar items has been “get over it”. Meaning that this happened in the past, why bring it up again.

She doesn’t have reservations per se about sex, it’s more of a situation of the kids being a higher priority than me and our sex life. (wow, I guess I’ve never really said that outloud to anyone else before…..). She was a stay at home mom, previously. As the kids are now in college and high school, I am beginning to see some change – but now she is working outside the home 3 days a week. She doesn’t feel fulfilled taking care of the house and making a home for us (even if it will shortly be just the two of us). Maybe its my fault that I have somehow failed as a husband to communicate how much I cherish her.

I guess I can appreciate all of the sacrifices she made (gave up a career, read the same books to the kids a million times over, was there when they came home from school, is a wonderful mom). But by the same token, now that those responsibilities are decreasing, I was hopeful that she could turn her attention more to me and to “us”.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself – sorry for the pity party.

By: JulieSibert

JulieSibert — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:50:55 +0000

Dan thank you for your comments on this post. I’m sorry sexual intimacy has not been all you hoped for in your marriage. Sadly, what you have shared is reflected in many marriages. I do not have easy answers (not that you were looking for easy answers). If you have calmly talked to her and she gets defensive, do you think maybe writing a letter to her would be another approach worth trying. Obviously, I don’t know anything about her reservations about sex, so it’s hard to know how she would react. I affirm you both that divorce is not an option…that shows tremendous commitment to the covenant of marriage. Thank you again for sharing so honestly.

By: Dan

Dan — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:09:25 +0000

We’ve been married 25 years. For most of those, I DID feel like just another kid or a visitor in my house. I’ve tried to discuss that with my wife – but she is SO defensive about this. I got so tired of begging for sex and feeling like an interruption that I told her, I’m “available” whenever she is in the mood – it’s up to her when and where. I resigned myself to being content with that level of frequency – whatever it

Divorce is a word removed from our vocabulary – so we’re both here for the long run.

I’ve seen some improvement in the last 4-5 years – but I do lament, what could have been…..

By: Filipe

Filipe — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 21:13:07 +0000

Great post, Julie. I think you’re right on. The marriages of future generations are taking shape right now, in our living rooms, with the way husband and wife talk to each other, with thoughtful actions, with affection, and with showing your kids your marriage is worth it! My mother-in-law always told their children, “your father was here first” when it seemed like he was getting the short end of the stick and kids were demanding more. I am thankful for that example, because today my wife and I feel the same way about each other and our hopefully our kids will understand our marriage is a big deal.

By: Lori Lowe

Lori Lowe — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 01:30:42 +0000

I love the title, and thanks for pointing me to the post. Yes, you’ve captured my point exactly!
Peace,
Lori

By: JulieSibert

JulieSibert — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 23:37:51 +0000

Thanks for the comment Kristina! I think often married couples think “there will always be time somday to nurture our marriage.” But now is as good as time as ever…it helps the kids understand the “one flesh” mystery of marriage, so that they someday can treat their marriages with great care as well. Hope you like the site! Thanks again!

By: Kristina

Kristina — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 23:32:44 +0000

So true! And just what my mom’s always been saying. My home was the safest place on earth, because I knew my parents loved each other. And I’m so thankful for that gift. I think it’s one of the best they ever gave me, together with giving me a lot of siblings…